web designer wanted

The contest is now closed. Please do not send us any more submissions. We are getting back to all of the people who submitted work as quickly as we can.

We need a badass web designer. Someone who is proficient at basic design. Someone who can create cool graphics. Someone who is excellent at combining the two into great, cohesive web pages. Someone who enjoys what we do. Someone who loves unicorns and someone who doesn't care about my Uncle Steve bouncing them up and down on his knee when he drinks.

We're not looking to completely redesign the site or anything of that scale, but I definitely need someone to help create new pages/graphics for new content and to improve upon what we've done (your graphic design ability is more important than your coding ability). The pages on our site currently use XHTML, CSS, and you should be comfortable working inside a php environment (but not necessarily scripting), working with JavaScript, and Flash. The salary is to be determined, but will be within the $50,000-$75,000 range, depending on ability and experience. Plus, you'll get health care and all the girls/guys/goats you could ever dream of.

But here's the catch. I've tried a few people out in the past who just didn't end up satisfying my need for attention to detail. I understand it's difficult to combine a great creative mind with actual execution, but that's what I need most. Spacing is important to me. Browser compatibility is important to me. Shit like that. I'm pretty picky and I certainly have my own ideas of what looks you need to be open to that kind of input.

Rather than just going by your current portfolios and having a traditional job call with retarded resumes and fake references, I'd like to skip all the bullshit and actually find someone who shows they can kicks ass right away. The best way for me to pick someone is to have an open every web designer out there.

For all of the web designers who lost their jobs recently or who are having trouble getting freelance work in this economy or are looking for a job that allows them to work from their home in their crotchless underpants, while watching porn all day or who are just looking to work for a company where you get to be a complete asshole to the general public on a regular basis and optimize pictures of hot chicks for our T-Shirt wearing whore contest, time to take a day or two...or make your move.

We're going to give you the details of a test page to create below and also a link to an existing page that we would like redesigned. You can choose either or both to submit as your "audition", so to speak. We would also like you to create 1-2 banners to advertise the site (we're open to your creative input, and even if we don't hire you, we may purchase the banners outright from you if we see something we like).

Create your comps/pages, upload your work somewhere and then submit everything along with a link to your online portfolio and we'll hire someone based on the submissions. It's that simple.

If you think this is a waste of time, well, we're not interested in someone with that mentality. If you think you can show up all the other motherfuckers submitting designs, you're who we want. And hell, if you don't get the job, it's a good exercise for you anyway and we may even use you in the future for other freelance work.

We realize that there is very little interaction/direction to come up with final designs...but that is not the point of this exercise. We're just trying to get a feel for the kind of work you do based on the kind of stuff that we do. It should be very clear if someone has the skills we need.

Below is all the info you'll need to get started. The deadline for submissions is March 15th. Good luck and I look forward to working with someone who takes pride in their work and is ready to be part of what we do. The competition is only open to designers based in the United States. If you don't have your own website or an online portfolio clearly illustrating your previous work, please do not even bother getting involved in this competition.


Choose either #1 or #2 to show us your skills. In addition to one of those assignments, also do #3 as part of your submission.

#1. Redesign our Affiliates page. We are looking for something more visually interesting and not so much like rows of text and blocks of graphics. Use the exact wording currently being used.
#2. Design a T-shirt Hell blog page. You should include two blog entries (they can just be junk text) so we can get a feel for how an ongoing blog would look. Don't feel you need to use the template of the current site. You have free reign to create whatever you'd like.
#3. Banners. Everyone needs to create 1-2 advertising banners regardless of which page they choose to do above. The banners should be 728 x 90 and can be static or animated. On that note, here are the winners from our banner contest from a month ago (but we would like you to create something original and even better than what you see there).

In general, you can use any graphics or photos from the site, or feel free to create something completely new. The pages do not have to be functional as far as having working buttons or links.

We are purposefully not giving a lot of direction. We need someone who can take initiative and work independently. We are looking for someone who is familiar enough with the content and tone of our site that they will be able to create something that fits while still being fresh and new.

Don't stress about the actual comedy or text/words you use to fill your designs. We are not looking for comedians and when you begin to work for us, we will be providing all the text for you to use in your designs.

This is a work from home position.

The contest is now closed. Please do not send us any more submissions. We are getting back to all of the people who submitted work as quickly as we can.

When you are finished with your page/pages and your banners, you should upload them locally and email only the links to them (no attachments) and a link to your online portfolio in the same email to xxxxxx . Emails sent to our other addresses will be raped and eaten.