2006 is not off to a good start. Almost a million people were gathered in Times Square with a clean shot at Regis Philbin, and not one of them had the guts to take him out.

[Happy New Shirts 2006!]

We've decided to kick off the New Year with a slew of new shirts. Celebrate a Happy Fucking New Year with all sorts of fucking new shirts about fucking.
We have shirts about orgies, dog fucking, and sucking yourself. Plus, dirty Jews, clean Brits,dead wives, free juicers, and all of your black friends.

All of our new shirts are here:

If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste it into your browser.

[It's Not Easy Being Green, and That's Good]

With America losing The War on Drugs, Terror and even Christmas, it's nice to see we're winning The War on something: our environment.

Global warming is increasing, the oil reserves are drying up, and we lose another endangered species every five minutes. I could not be happier.
Destroying the environment is good.

Let me put it another way. Let's say Jessica Alba's ass is the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Sure it looks perfect and pristine. But honestly, how much better would it look if someone was tapping it, am I right?

Global warming may lead to extreme weather. But extreme weather leads to extremely entertaining video. I never get tired of watching some shaky amateur footage and hearing someone say, "Gee, maybe we should have evacuated."just before they scream and the screen goes black. Plus, in spite of the cheesy disaster anthems, we often get a couple excellent disaster relief concerts.

It's good to use up all of the oil now instead of leaving it for future generations. You know they would squander it. Why should we deprive ourselves of topless hot oil wrestling just so some future generation can fuel their jetpack to go to school? Let's find a new energy source buried in Arkansas, or some pushover country like Denmark.

Killing endangered species might seem wrong. But unless we kill them, we're never going to know if their blood contains the cure for cancer, or if their guts can make a better tennis racket, or if their liver tastes like a bit of heaven; smeared on a cracker with a dollop of creme fraiche.

Destroying the environment is progress. Anyone who disagrees better be living naked in a cave. And I don't know what they're living on, because last time I checked you needed to kill something if you wanted to eat. The government scientists are never going to get off their asses and build really cool dome houses on Mars, unless we completely devastate and use up everything here on Earth.

So, climb into your SUV, light up your cigar, and drive down the street to pick up your teak end tables. And if on your way you see a rare grey squirrel crossing the road, steer into him. Do your part.

[Let's Make 2006 the Hatiest Year Ever!]

----- Original Message -----

From: Fermidha
Sent: Monday, December 19, 2005 5:00 AM
Subject: RE:The Koran

Dear Sir/Madam,

Why are the American people on the whole determined to destroy and put down the religion of Islam. Could it be that this beautiful religion makes you nervous? Could it be that this beautiful religion has all the answers where yours could not give you a straight and true answer even if all your religious leaders tried? You would not see a Muslim degrading the Christian religion and do you know why? Because we respect other religions and your prophets are our prophets.

This is just to tell you please think carefully before you insult our religion, because in doing that you are also insulting your prophets who are also part of our religion.



(Editor's Note: You refer to me as sir/madam because you didn't know who'd be receiving this. I'm going to refer to you as sir/madam because your name is Fermidha, which sounds like some overly spiced food dish that will leave me howling on the toilet all night and yet provides no clue as to your gender. So, to answer your question sir/madam, no one is out to destroy your religion. We're out to make money by selling shirts that only a mentally challenged caveman would think was powerful enough to bring down an entire religion. If shirts wielded that kind of magical power I'd be enjoying a good fuck in all 3 of my major orifices by solid gold penises, while watching a panda fight an alligator for my amusement. Currently I can only afford 2 solid gold penises. Now go get angry while us regular folks stay perfectly calm and laugh. Oh, and try not to fly a plane into our website.
And if Islam holds all of the answers, ask it where I left the extra set of keys to my beach house on Maui.)

----- Original Message -----

From: Allynn L.
Sent: Tuesday, December 27, 2005 9:05 PM
Subject: They shake me t-shirt

I am a social worker for a childrens hospial and am so angry about this t-shirt. Do you have any idea what this shirt is saying? I see about one DEAD child a month due to being may find this funny but it is deadly. Do you have any idea what it is like to bury your child who has been shaken.this is not a funny t-shirt and i am so sad that you sell this.please take it off you web site, you have enough t-shirts to sell that you don't need this one. I will be watching for it to go off the web site.

Allynn l.
Social worker

(Editor's Note: I actually do have a pretty good idea what it is like to bury my shaken child. I mean, it wasn't my child, and it wasn't shaken, but I assume it can't be that much different than what you're talking about.
I'll tell you one thing, mine put up a heck of a fight! And as for the matter of if the subject is funny. While the actual burial wasn't funny, afterwards Steve hit Jimmy in the crotch with a shovel. We all laughed. I mean honestly, does that ever get old? About your request to take the shirt off our website, you're right. We do have enough shirts to sell without that one. But if we take it down, how will these babies tell the world that they're being shaken? They can't talk yet, genius. They'll be shivering, shirtless, and shaken, you unfeeling bitch. Glad you'll be keeping an eye on our site. Make sure to look for our "Social workers suck cock for nickels" shirt.)

----- Original Message -----

From: B., Robbin
Sent: Friday, December 23, 2005 1:09 PM
Subject: Arrest Black Babies shirt

This is just as bad if it had said "Arrest White boys before they become serial killers." If this had been on a T-shirt, people like you would be in front of the establishment that printed it with picket signs and rocks!
This is unforgivable and it is, and has been, what is wrong with this country today! The re-enforcement of racism is nothing new and is still as destructive as it has always been, from the beginning of this country when Native Americans were slaughtered and their land stolen and Black Americans were taken from theirs and used and abused: all in the name of racism.
Racism has been the basis which certain people in this country use to continue the evil acts they commit. They camouflage their greed, depravity and bloodlust by using racism as justification for such acts. If you are not part of the solution then you are part of the problem.

(Editor's Note: Funny you should mention the "Arrest White boys" shirt, because we actually did carry that shirt for a while. And come to think of it, I did walk around in front of the building where our shirts are printed with picket signs and rocks. But the picket signs were about me urging people to shake babies, so everyone driving by was just confused. And the rocks I brought, I just ended up using them to weigh down my extra picket signs. I was really surprised no one else wanted to join my protest.
Lastly, I am really sick of the idea that the white man stole this land from the Indian. Am I the only one that saw the Fox News report that explained that the red man only came here in the mid 1950's and has since been tricking us into believing they were here first via textbooks and the media?
Don't be such a sucker.)

[The Start of A New Year, The End of this Thingy]


I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet:
and took his shoes. Come on, he had no feet! What's the big deal?