Happy almost Year of the Ox, Asian people. Not that it matters what kind of year I wish upon you. It'll inevitably be the same routine. Everyone younger than 14 will work in a factory, everyone between the ages of 14-17 will appear in puke and shit porn, and everyone 18 and older will live in an area the size of half a cubicle while putting in a solid 20-hour workday at a plant that produces cars that actually run, or some product that will poison thousands of Americans. You guys really run a tight ship. Life must be really great for .0000001% of you.
Seriously though, Happy New Year to all the normal people of the world. You know, people who can't be described as "tapioca-colored." 2009 promises to be an exciting year full of change and hope and more disappointed voters than you can shake an autistic kid at. But don't worry, Obama voters. Conservatives are a mature and sensitive bunch, and I'm sure they won't rub your nose in it.
John Travolta's son died last week after hitting his head in the bathtub. When asked to comment on the tragedy, Travolta said, "Would ya just watch the hair!" He later added "Wooowheee, you good lookin'!" Then he said "You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with cheese in France?" You're right, I just watched a bunch of Travolta movies. The important thing is a teenager just died.
A coroner recently reported that Dr. Dre's son died as a result of an overdose. The coroner then added, "I mean, what else would it be? He's black and he didn't get shot." Anyway, you may be wondering why Dre was unable to help his son, him being a doctor and all, but he's not the useful kind of doctor. He's the kind that sells millions of albums to idiots because he can rhyme racial slurs.
Bristol Palin, daughter of Sarah Palin, recently gave birth to a loaf of DNA I'm sure they've decided to name after some noun or wholesome sounding adjective. "Big fucking deal" you say? I would normally agree with you. I mean, 17-year-old idiots give birth all the time. What makes this case special is that Bristol Palin is white. What's that about? Those people are supposed to be able to afford abortions.
So 2008 sucked. The economy was so bad I had to fire two of my fork washers and sell all but one of my jet-skis that run on emeralds. As if that weren't bad enough, neither Brian Dennehy nor Kelly Ripa died.
But I'm not about focusing on the negative. It leaves little else to focus on, but I still manage to find some positive things in the garbage heap we call existence. So, instead of recapping a year so bad it vindicated every suicide and atheist on the planet, I'd like to look ahead. Here are some things to look forward to this year.
We got us a black president - It won't mean much politically or economically, but at least a bunch of rednecks and hillbillies who peaked intellectually at the age of 12 will have a whole new batch of jokes about watermelon and crack to keep themselves preoccupied.
The dollar will no longer exist - That sounds bad, but I'm curious about the design of our new money. Will it be essentially the same but with corporate mascots in place of presidents? Or will it be a bunch of crazy coins or small wooden cubes coated with enamel? Maybe (fingers crossed) we'll all get some kind of chip implanted in our arms and the government will give us a monthly allowance and track our spending. Exciting times.
Chinese leadership - Again, that sounds bad, but if you'd take a moment to get over your strident patriotism you'd realize this country needs some help, and no one can do that like those little yellow fucks. Think of them as an efficiency expert. They're just going to get rid of some of the dead weight (black people and midgets) and turn this operation around. Di di mao, round-eye!
NO OLYMPICS! - Well, that's not true. The Special Olympics will be held this year, but I don't count Special Olympics because they're actually entertaining. And unlike my Tard Zoo, you can enjoy them for free.
No more Bush - Again, it won't mean much politically; but Bush's value, if he ever had any, was used up long ago. Even as comedic fodder, he has outlived his usefulness by at least two years. Also, it'll be nice to see Sean Hannity in attack mode rather than defense mode. Go get 'em, Hannity! He fights for people like you and me. You know... ignorant assholes.
Plenty of abandoned housing available - Perfect for squatters, junkies, drifters and runaways. Also makes a great spot to cook drugs, perform off-the-books abortions, or just get together and plot with your hate group.
Heath Ledger can't possibly die this year.
Terrorist attack - You know it's gonna happen. And even though it will have nothing to do with Obama, it'll be fun to see 10 million rubes feel validated. Just imagine hearing "I told ya so" in the most uneducated voice imaginable five times a day. Hearing a bunch of mouth-breathers get snotty... fuck, it's going to be so awesome!
OJ will be in jail - I guess that's good. People think it means justice has been served. Personally, I'd like to see him remain free. He's getting on in years and it won't be long before he's a harmless old man. It'd be cute to see him walking around. "There's old man Simpson. I heard he once cut a white lady's head off. Oh, and now he's dribbling on his bib... isn't that precious?"
Our troops will finally come home - That's right, US troops will finally- What's that? Okay, I'm being told Obama was just paying us lip service and our troops will remain in the Middle East for the foreseeable future. That's okay; I'll find the positive spin. Let's see... silver lining, silver lining... Okay, got it. I just invested in a company that makes prosthetic limbs and antidepressants. Now THAT is how you turn lemons into lemonade.
Miley Cyrus, Zac Efron and the Jonas Brothers will all be raped and eaten by cannibals - My brain wants this so bad it's going to manifest it. It just has to.
A new season of American Idol - Clearly that's not the good news. So what is the good news? I've recently discovered I'm a new breed of fetishist called a "television masochist." Idol makes me cum three times in one hour. It's as satisfying as golf in one quarter the time.
Increased American presence in Afghanistan - That's really going to drive up the price of opium. I can't explain why, but trust me when I say that is fantastic news. Oh, and we might get that one guy. What was his name? Bon Lordin? Ban Looden? You know who I mean, the bearded cave-dweller who looks like he reeks. You're right, every person reading this. That DOES describe every Muslim. Well done, gang.
Sarah Palin's new career - This is contingent upon how her book sells, but I'm confident we'll be seeing her muff shots in Penthouse by February. Either that or she'll rent out her tard baby to people who need stamps licked. Either one will be entertaining.
We won't see Michael Phelps again until the next Olympics - Seriously, how many times did that retarded-looking fuck smash into the pool wall to make his face look like that? Good lord... it's like he looked at the Ark of the Covenant right after getting stung by a bunch of bees.
We won't have to pretend we give a shit about Caylee Anthony - Did any of you sincerely give a fuck? I mean, she made a tasty stew, but she was nothing special. Just remember to ignore the media next time they try to make us give a shit about a little white trash girl with terrible parents. Here, I'll take care of this for all of you. "RIP, Annabelle Lynn Rebecca Flenderson. Sorry your parents were allowed to breed."
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From: Jim K.
"just someone who is looking for a discount (like a Jew)". Never, ever buy from you. and i'm irish. assholes!
Editor's Note: So you say you're Irish and you're threatening to never buy from us? You are aware our shirts aren't made out of potatoes and beer, right? And they make a poor choice of weapon when you're looking for something to strike your wife with.
Okay, that was pretty weak. It's just so damn hard to offend white people. Well, that's not true or we wouldn't have received this email in the first place. I guess the key to offending white people is to insult or degrade some minority group so they can defend them in an attempt to feel morally superior. With that in mind, I'd like to dedicate the next paragraph to all the Caucasians I'd like to upset.
Gay people should be forced to wear shock collars and be confined to a 200-acre area in Iowa, which will henceforth be known as the "Gay-quarium." Black people (myself excluded) should be our sled-dogs in an event called the "Faster Iditarod." Mexican females should be forced to have their tubes tied between the ages of 4-12, as this is when they are apparently most fertile. All Muslims are potential terrorists and should be shackled and peed upon accordingly.
Take that, honkies!
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Wow. I just logged on to place a corporate Christmas order of around 500 shirts. That email about gas prices being low and my local church just sitting there really made me rethink where I'd like my money to go. Now I'm sorry I've spent so much here in the past.
Glad to see you are doing so well that you don't need the business. Some things are just not funny.
Editor's Note: You're right, some things are just not funny. You, Frank Caliendo, cereal with nuts in it, and Latin comedy (although Latinos themselves are hilarious).
Wait - Did you say 500 shirts? I take it all back. The church joke, that line about Latinos, every single word I've ever written in jest or otherwise; I take it all back. I even take back every offensive word or image that appears on all the shirts you wanted to purchase, many of which are more offensive than the line you complained about.
I don't care that your logic shit all over itself or that I caught you bullshitting. I will gladly eat humble pie and apologize if you will follow through with your order. If it'll grease the wheels at all, I'll even promise to build a couple churches to make up for my error.
Obviously they can't be very nice churches or I'll blow my profit margin, but I can set up a couple of pup tents and paint crosses on them; then you and your church buddies can do whatever it is you do in church.
What DO you people do in church? Put on Jesus masks and toss each other's salads? You make me sick.
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From: Steven W.
I was browsing your site and saw some baby t-shirts that were funny. I was actually thinking about purchasing the one "I can't walk yet and I already hate the Yankees". I saw the one about "Retarded Babies for Palin" and felt compelled to write you.
I am not a conservative Christian, (in fact, I even voted for Obama). I do, however, find that t-shirt very insulting and very distasteful. I hope you will remove it from your site.
Editor's Note: Oh God... another one of you assholes. "I'm not this kind of douche. I'm a completely different kind of douche, so my douche-osity is completely excusable. I'm not a fucking retard; I only complain like one."
You can say you're hip and you have a sense of humor all the livelong day, but saying something doesn't necessarily make it so. I don't get off on tying up children, throwing them in a room with starving raccoons and listening to their screams through the door. See what I mean?
A common trait among douches is they are not aware they are douches. We're living in the golden age of self-awareness, yet douches remain oblivious to their own douchiness. Nerds know they're nerds, assholes know they're assholes, and even white trash knows it's white trash. Yet douches don't know they're douches because the connotations of that word are so negative they can't bring themselves to accept it.
But you can buck the trend, Steven. Just look in the mirror and acknowledge that only a huge fucking douche would send a complaint to a T-shirt company. You can be the trailblazer who starts the movement for douches who have come out of the closet. You can single-handedly found the NAADP.
The most important thing is that you just stop lying to yourself. Say it loud and say it proud: "I am an enormous douche. Society hates me, but my life has value." Now go drink bleach.
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To whom it may concern:
My name is Chris B., and I am a college student. I would like a new computer, specifically, a new 15-inch macbook pro. Being a college student, my funds for this are all but nonexistent. Therefore, I am selling advertising space on this yet-to-be-bought macbook for 100$ a square inch.
I am sending this email through my school account, and will sign any paperwork needed to prove this is legitimate. If you agree, your brand name or logo will be seen in coffee shops, public libraries, and shopping malls in the greater Nashville area. If you are interested, please respond and we can hash out the details.
Thanks for your time;
Editor's Note: This may surprise you, but I am interested. I'm also interested in helping out all those Nigerian princes. I'm positive that I'll be seeing some return on that $10,000 investment any day now.
But seriously, if I was interested, I would certainly contact you. But it wouldn't be to hash out the details. I would simply ask you to cut off the top of my skull, pour gas all over my brain and set that mother fucker on fire; because that scenario would indicate to me my brain was no longer fully functional and should be destroyed before it ruined the lives of everyone I care for (me and my Puerto Rican midgets).
I'm sure our sales would skyrocket if I took you up on your proposal, because I know how the college kids love to carefully study and commit to memory every single square inch of stranger's laptops, but I think I'm going to pass. I do have a suggestion for you though. Instead of selling ad space on your computer, save up your money and buy all that space for yourself. Fill in that area with the phrase "I'm a fucking tool and I'm going to kill myself because everyone wants me to."
Gee, all this guy wanted was to sell some ad space so he could buy a computer. Was I too hard on him? No, no I wasn't. Rot in hell, Chris.
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[Crappy Jew Queer]
Cry when you need to, laugh when you can. Devote all remaining time to masturbation.