SLUTS ARE ALWAYS WELCOME HERE
I KISS MY HOT FRIENDS FOR CASH
IT'S NOT GAY IF YOU BEAT THEM UP
I'M AN ANIMAL IN BED
SHUT THE FUCK UP - THE BABY'S SLEEPING!
MY MARXIST FEMINIST DIALECTIC BRINGS
ATHEIST
MOO (CHICKEN)
JESUS LOVES YOU
IS IT SOLIPSISTIC IN HERE, OR IS IT
PURPLES
PLATYPUS OF DEATH
ANTE, CHRIST
HEY YOU. YEAH, YOU. NO, NOT YOU
GO LOCAL SPORTS TEAM AND/OR COLLEGE
SHUT THE FUCK UP - THE BABY'S SLEEPING!
NOT TONIGHT LADIES I'M JUST HERE TO GET DRUNK
BLING-BLING
SLAVERY GETS SHIT DONE
FUCKING CLASSY
THIS T-SHIRT IS 100% ORGANIC
WHITE FLOUR
I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH MIDGETS
I SUPPORT SINGLE MOMS
I SHOULD BE IN THE KITCHEN
I FUCKING LOVE TO CUDDLE

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WORST.GANGBANG.EVER


Happy almost Year of the Ox, Asian people. Not that it matters what kind of year I wish upon you. It'll inevitably be the same routine. Everyone younger than 14 will work in a factory, everyone between the ages of 14-17 will appear in puke and shit porn, and everyone 18 and older will live in an area the size of half a cubicle while putting in a solid 20-hour workday at a plant that produces cars that actually run, or some product that will poison thousands of Americans. You guys really run a tight ship. Life must be really great for .0000001% of you.

Seriously though, Happy New Year to all the normal people of the world. You know, people who can't be described as "tapioca-colored." 2009 promises to be an exciting year full of change and hope and more disappointed voters than you can shake an autistic kid at. But don't worry, Obama voters. Conservatives are a mature and sensitive bunch, and I'm sure they won't rub your nose in it.

John Travolta's son died last week after hitting his head in the bathtub. When asked to comment on the tragedy, Travolta said, "Would ya just watch the hair!" He later added "Wooowheee, you good lookin'!" Then he said "You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with cheese in France?" You're right, I just watched a bunch of Travolta movies. The important thing is a teenager just died.

A coroner recently reported that Dr. Dre's son died as a result of an overdose. The coroner then added, "I mean, what else would it be? He's black and he didn't get shot." Anyway, you may be wondering why Dre was unable to help his son, him being a doctor and all, but he's not the useful kind of doctor. He's the kind that sells millions of albums to idiots because he can rhyme racial slurs.

Bristol Palin, daughter of Sarah Palin, recently gave birth to a loaf of DNA I'm sure they've decided to name after some noun or wholesome sounding adjective. "Big fucking deal" you say? I would normally agree with you. I mean, 17-year-old idiots give birth all the time. What makes this case special is that Bristol Palin is white. What's that about? Those people are supposed to be able to afford abortions.

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So 2008 sucked. The economy was so bad I had to fire two of my fork washers and sell all but one of my jet-skis that run on emeralds. As if that weren't bad enough, neither Brian Dennehy nor Kelly Ripa died.

But I'm not about focusing on the negative. It leaves little else to focus on, but I still manage to find some positive things in the garbage heap we call existence. So, instead of recapping a year so bad it vindicated every suicide and atheist on the planet, I'd like to look ahead. Here are some things to look forward to this year.

We got us a black president - It won't mean much politically or economically, but at least a bunch of rednecks and hillbillies who peaked intellectually at the age of 12 will have a whole new batch of jokes about watermelon and crack to keep themselves preoccupied.

The dollar will no longer exist - That sounds bad, but I'm curious about the design of our new money. Will it be essentially the same but with corporate mascots in place of presidents? Or will it be a bunch of crazy coins or small wooden cubes coated with enamel? Maybe (fingers crossed) we'll all get some kind of chip implanted in our arms and the government will give us a monthly allowance and tracpicture 1k our spending. Exciting times.

Chinese leadership - Again, that sounds bad, but if you'd take a moment to get over your strident patriotism you'd realize this country needs some help, and no one can do that like those little yellow fucks. Think of them as an efficiency expert. They're just going to get rid of some of the dead weight (black people and midgets) and turn this operation around. Di di mao, round-eye!

NO OLYMPICS! - Well, that's not true. The Special Olympics will be held this year, but I don't count Special Olympics because they're actually entertaining. And unlike my Tard Zoo, you can enjoy them for free.

No more Bush - Again, it won't mean much politically; but Bush's value, if he ever had any, was used up long ago. Even as comedic fodder, he has outlived his usefulness by at least two years. Also, it'll be nice to see Sean Hannity in attack mode rather than defense mode. Go get 'em, Hannity! He fights for people like you and me. You know... ignorant assholes.

Plenty of abandoned housing available - Perfect for squatters, junkies, drifters and runaways. Also makes a great spot to cook drugs, perform off-the-books abortions, or just get together and plot with your hate group.

picture 1Heath Ledger can't possibly die this year.

Terrorist attack - You know it's gonna happen. And even though it will have nothing to do with Obama, it'll be fun to see 10 million rubes feel validated. Just imagine hearing "I told ya so" in the most uneducated voice imaginable five times a day. Hearing a bunch of mouth-breathers get snotty... fuck, it's going to be so awesome!

OJ will be in jail - I guess that's good. People think it means justice has been served. Personally, I'd like to see him remain free. He's getting on in years and it won't be long before he's a harmless old man. It'd be cute to see him walking around. "There's old man Simpson. I heard he once cut a white lady's head off. Oh, and now he's dribbling on his bib... isn't that precious?"

Our troops will finally come home - That's right, US troops will finally- What's that? Okay, I'm being told Obama was just paying us lip service and our troops will remain in the Middle East for the foreseeable future. That's okay; I'll find the positive spin. Let's see... silver lining, silver lining... Okay, got it. I just invested in a company that makes prosthetic limbs and antidepressants. Now THAT is how you turn lemons into lemonade.

picture 1Miley Cyrus, Zac Efron and the Jonas Brothers will all be raped and eaten by cannibals - My brain wants this so bad it's going to manifest it. It just has to.

A new season of American Idol - Clearly that's not the good news. So what is the good news? I've recently discovered I'm a new breed of fetishist called a "television masochist." Idol makes me cum three times in one hour. It's as satisfying as golf in one quarter the time.

Increased American presence in Afghanistan - That's really going to drive up the price of opium. I can't explain why, but trust me when I say that is fantastic news. Oh, and we might get that one guy. What was his name? Bon Lordin? Ban Looden? You know who I mean, the bearded cave-dweller who looks like he reeks. You're right, every person reading this. That DOES describe every Muslim. Well done, gang.picture 1

Sarah Palin's new career - This is contingent upon how her book sells, but I'm confident we'll be seeing her muff shots in Penthouse by February. Either that or she'll rent out her tard baby to people who need stamps licked. Either one will be entertaining.

We won't see Michael Phelps again until the next Olympics - Seriously, how many times did that retarded-looking fuck smash into the pool wall to make his face look like that? Good lord... it's like he looked at the Ark of the Covenant right after getting stung by a bunch of bees.

We won't have to pretend we give a shit about Caylee Anthony - Did any of you sincerely give a fuck? I mean, she made a tasty stew, but she was nothing special. Just remember to ignore the media next time they try to make us give a shit about a little white trash girl with terrible parents. Here, I'll take care of this for all of you. "RIP, Annabelle Lynn Rebecca Flenderson. Sorry your parents were allowed to breed."


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