It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing


How about those politics? That's really something else, huh? You've got that one guy saying "We need to improve America's novelty keychains." And that one lady...forget about it. She's all "My coffee tasted weird this morning. What can we do about that?" And then the guy from the other party was like "Hey...has anybody seen my flag pin? It was on my jacket a second ago. I can't find it anywhere." Man, it's getting crazy out there. (In case you couldn't tell, I neither know nor care about politics. For any of you who do, good luck with the election in August. I'm sure the next Prime Minister will really turn things around for the American States of Unitedness.)

In more interesting (and more relevant) news, Super Bowl XLII is almost here. And with the Patriots looking to be the first undefeated team since the '72 Dolphins facing off against Brett Favre in what may be his last season, this promises to be one of the most memorable Super Bowls ever. But no matter who wins, have fun spending the next day on YouTube looking at commercials you saw during the game. Because everything is better when the image is smaller, grainier and you've already seen it. All hail technology!

In entertainment news, the latest season of American Idol is underway. I was shocked to find out that they were going on despite the writer's strike, but I was pleased to find out that it's just as good as ever. Then again, I guess it doesn't take much of a writer to come up with "Put something slightly less objectionable than burning babies on TV and be watched by 30 million dumbfucks anyway."

An unauthorized biography of movie star and elfin creature Tom Cruise was released last week. It makes many outlandish claims which the Cruise camp is denying. In fact, if the stuff in this book was any crazier, it would be called Dianetics.

Talk show icon Oprah Winfrey is getting her own TV network. Finally. I was getting tired of injecting estrogen and retarded directly into my brain.

In U.S. economic news, [sobbing sounds followed by slashing of wrists].



penis vagina

New Shirts

I hope you've all been doing your kegels, because our latest collection of new shirts has arrived.

Some fags (anyone who knows stuff) told me this was an election year, so we've added the perfect shirt for all you apathetic voters (a.k.a. non-voters, a.k.a. young people, a.k.a. $$$$$$). If that's not your cup of teabag, we've also added a shirt just for the impressively cocked among you. If you are neither impressively cocked [points and laughs] nor an apathetic voter, we've got some other stuff too. Check 'em out, monkey clit.

All of our new shirts are here:

long division

"No news is good news" according to the old adage. And if all this good news doesn't stop I'm going to put a boot into Anderson Cooper's adorable face. The media has done a good job of filling time ever since 9-11 became boring, but all this filler has itself become boring. Just look at what has made headlines ever since 9-11 started inducing yawns: Janet Jackson's tit, baseball players taking steroids, Kramer saying nigger, and Britney and Lindsay doing anything, just to name a few. It has all made for a nice distraction, but distractions are supposed to last a brief moment, not six fucking years. It's kind of like the last 30 minutes of a Michael Bay movie. You've shown me enough 'splosions. Just let me go home already.

And what happens when the distraction no longer distracts us? That's when we get the manufactured, politically charged, yet wholly ineffective, reporting. Those stories keep us interested for a bit, but they run out of steam so quickly. Global warming, border security, gay marriage and priests raping boys held my attention for a while, but we went through them too quickly. We discussed them for the obligatory month before either resuming our ignorance of them or allowing politicians to vote on a meaningless bill that accomplished nothing but to make it seem like they care one way or the other. Now we've completely exhausted our supply of political stories. What's left? Darfur? Please. That shit wouldn't be interesting if it was happening in Canada, much less Africa.

Don't think I'm taking a back-handed swipe at the media. Who can blame them for reporting on trivialities when reporting actual news doesn't affect any kind of change? We've been told everything we need to know about the war...and now what? We can participate in opinion polls, vote and protest, but in the end it has all amounted to us being right back where we started. Even after the midterms, when we got the election "right." The media informed us, we took action and elected everyone we were supposed to, nothing happened. So who's to blame? Surely not politicians. We chose the right ones this time. Activists call people like me apathetic. I prefer to think I'm accomplishing just as much as them, without ever leaving the comfort of my bong-covered couch.

But back to the media. Say what you will about the golden age of journalism when a couple of old white guys told you everything you need to know ("There's too much information in the hands of a few" "Edward R. Murrow is too damn sexy" etc.), but at least it wasn't overwhelming. The problem today is too much media. We have 24-hour news channels, newspapers, blogs, and magazines getting reactions to every mundane story. Then we get reactions to the reactions until footage of the water-skiing squirrel turns into a debate about abortion. The problem with everyone having a voice is that everyone is stupid. I'd rather listen to Walter Cronkite be stupid than listen to ten people be stupid on MSNBC simultaneously.

Now...I don't expect war coverage 24/7. That shit got old about 2,000 soldiers ago. What're we up to now anyway? 4,000? 5,000? Oh well. Whatever it takes to catch Bin Laden, right? So what's my point? Do I want less media? More passionate media? More reliable media? No, I don't want any of that. To be blunt, I want NO media. Journalism has always been a futile exercise, but at least for the last half decade it was fodder for decent satire. Now, even that has outlived its usefulness. No disrespect to The Onion, Stephen Colbert and all the rest, but at this point you've been beating the dead horse for so long that I could drink it through a straw.

Or, if you refuse to go away, you could at least resort to making up stories. Stop wasting your time on actual news and our time on tabloid news. How about some good old-fashioned slander and libel? Here are some headlines to get you started.

President Bush Rapes Cast of Ugly Betty

Unprotected Sex With 10-Year-Olds Cures AIDS

Jesus Returns; Molests Countless Midgets

Tiger Woods/Natalie Portman Found Dead After Apparent Murder-Suicide

Politician Improves Something

Aliens Land; Immediately Declare "Bitch, That Ain't My Baby!"

Earthquake Destroys Oklahoma; Fuck Not Given

Middle East Finds Inner Peace; Surface Still Covered With Blood and Debris

Catholics Change Stance on Everything; Happiness Washes Over Nation

Al Sharpton Protests Candy Corn, Doesn't Know Why

Doctor Discovers Cure for Breast Cancer, Won't Reveal Findings Until Wife Dies

Football Player's House Raided; No Drugs, Guns, or Rape Found

Toyota Recalls Car That Gives You Chlamydia

Poll Reveals Americans Prefer Donkey-Punching To Reading

Dakota Fanning Aborts Ninth Baby

Governor of New Mexico Bans Jew Parties

Apple Introduces Revolutionary iEthnic Cleansing

Record Temperatures Recorded in Diane Sawyer's Vagina

Mischievous Goat Enters Pentagon; 37 Dead, 82 Wounded

Hillary to Obama: "Lick My White Cunt"

[How Do I Spell Relief? H-A-T-E. Fuck the Spelling Bee Commissioner]


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