How about those politics? That's really something else, huh? You've got that one guy saying "We need to improve America's novelty keychains." And that one lady...forget about it. She's all "My coffee tasted weird this morning. What can we do about that?" And then the guy from the other party was like "Hey...has anybody seen my flag pin? It was on my jacket a second ago. I can't find it anywhere." Man, it's getting crazy out there. (In case you couldn't tell, I neither know nor care about politics. For any of you who do, good luck with the election in August. I'm sure the next Prime Minister will really turn things around for the American States of Unitedness.)
In more interesting (and more relevant) news, Super Bowl XLII is almost here. And with the Patriots looking to be the first undefeated team since the '72 Dolphins facing off against Brett Favre in what may be his last season, this promises to be one of the most memorable Super Bowls ever. But no matter who wins, have fun spending the next day on YouTube looking at commercials you saw during the game. Because everything is better when the image is smaller, grainier and you've already seen it. All hail technology!
In entertainment news, the latest season of American Idol is underway. I was shocked to find out that they were going on despite the writer's strike, but I was pleased to find out that it's just as good as ever. Then again, I guess it doesn't take much of a writer to come up with "Put something slightly less objectionable than burning babies on TV and be watched by 30 million dumbfucks anyway."
An unauthorized biography of movie star and elfin creature Tom Cruise was released last week. It makes many outlandish claims which the Cruise camp is denying. In fact, if the stuff in this book was any crazier, it would be called Dianetics.
Talk show icon Oprah Winfrey is getting her own TV network. Finally. I was getting tired of injecting estrogen and retarded directly into my brain.
In U.S. economic news, [sobbing sounds followed by slashing of wrists].
I hope you've all been doing your kegels, because our latest collection of new shirts has arrived.
Some fags (anyone who knows stuff) told me this was an election year, so we've added the perfect shirt for all you apathetic voters (a.k.a. non-voters, a.k.a. young people, a.k.a. $$$$$$). If that's not your cup of teabag, we've also added a shirt just for the impressively cocked among you. If you are neither impressively cocked [points and laughs] nor an apathetic voter, we've got some other stuff too. Check 'em out, monkey clit.
All of our new shirts are here:
"No news is good news" according to the old adage. And if all this good news doesn't stop I'm going to put a boot into Anderson Cooper's adorable face. The media has done a good job of filling time ever since 9-11 became boring, but all this filler has itself become boring. Just look at what has made headlines ever since 9-11 started inducing yawns: Janet Jackson's tit, baseball players taking steroids, Kramer saying nigger, and Britney and Lindsay doing anything, just to name a few. It has all made for a nice distraction, but distractions are supposed to last a brief moment, not six fucking years. It's kind of like the last 30 minutes of a Michael Bay movie. You've shown me enough 'splosions. Just let me go home already.
And what happens when the distraction no longer distracts us? That's when we get the manufactured, politically charged, yet wholly ineffective, reporting. Those stories keep us interested for a bit, but they run out of steam so quickly. Global warming, border security, gay marriage and priests raping boys held my attention for a while, but we went through them too quickly. We discussed them for the obligatory month before either resuming our ignorance of them or allowing politicians to vote on a meaningless bill that accomplished nothing but to make it seem like they care one way or the other. Now we've completely exhausted our supply of political stories. What's left? Darfur? Please. That shit wouldn't be interesting if it was happening in Canada, much less Africa.
Don't think I'm taking a back-handed swipe at the media. Who can blame them for reporting on trivialities when reporting actual news doesn't affect any kind of change? We've been told everything we need to know about the war...and now what? We can participate in opinion polls, vote and protest, but in the end it has all amounted to us being right back where we started. Even after the midterms, when we got the election "right." The media informed us, we took action and elected everyone we were supposed to, nothing happened. So who's to blame? Surely not politicians. We chose the right ones this time. Activists call people like me apathetic. I prefer to think I'm accomplishing just as much as them, without ever leaving the comfort of my bong-covered couch.
But back to the media. Say what you will about the golden age of journalism when a couple of old white guys told you everything you need to know ("There's too much information in the hands of a few" "Edward R. Murrow is too damn sexy" etc.), but at least it wasn't overwhelming. The problem today is too much media. We have 24-hour news channels, newspapers, blogs, and magazines getting reactions to every mundane story. Then we get reactions to the reactions until footage of the water-skiing squirrel turns into a debate about abortion. The problem with everyone having a voice is that everyone is stupid. I'd rather listen to Walter Cronkite be stupid than listen to ten people be stupid on MSNBC simultaneously.
Now...I don't expect war coverage 24/7. That shit got old about 2,000 soldiers ago. What're we up to now anyway? 4,000? 5,000? Oh well. Whatever it takes to catch Bin Laden, right? So what's my point? Do I want less media? More passionate media? More reliable media? No, I don't want any of that. To be blunt, I want NO media. Journalism has always been a futile exercise, but at least for the last half decade it was fodder for decent satire. Now, even that has outlived its usefulness. No disrespect to The Onion, Stephen Colbert and all the rest, but at this point you've been beating the dead horse for so long that I could drink it through a straw.
Or, if you refuse to go away, you could at least resort to making up stories. Stop wasting your time on actual news and our time on tabloid news. How about some good old-fashioned slander and libel? Here are some headlines to get you started.
President Bush Rapes Cast of Ugly Betty
Unprotected Sex With 10-Year-Olds Cures AIDS
Jesus Returns; Molests Countless Midgets
Tiger Woods/Natalie Portman Found Dead After Apparent Murder-Suicide
Politician Improves Something
Aliens Land; Immediately Declare "Bitch, That Ain't My Baby!"
Earthquake Destroys Oklahoma; Fuck Not Given
Middle East Finds Inner Peace; Surface Still Covered With Blood and Debris
Catholics Change Stance on Everything; Happiness Washes Over Nation
Al Sharpton Protests Candy Corn, Doesn't Know Why
Doctor Discovers Cure for Breast Cancer, Won't Reveal Findings Until Wife Dies
Football Player's House Raided; No Drugs, Guns, or Rape Found
Toyota Recalls Car That Gives You Chlamydia
Poll Reveals Americans Prefer Donkey-Punching To Reading
Dakota Fanning Aborts Ninth Baby
Governor of New Mexico Bans Jew Parties
Apple Introduces Revolutionary iEthnic Cleansing
Record Temperatures Recorded in Diane Sawyer's Vagina
Mischievous Goat Enters Pentagon; 37 Dead, 82 Wounded
Hillary to Obama: "Lick My White Cunt"
[How Do I Spell Relief? H-A-T-E. Fuck the Spelling Bee Commissioner]
Comments (9) - View Comments - Add A Comment
I know how we all enjoy the bitching of idiots, but just to shake things up, I thought it'd be fun to take a look at the "creativity" of idiots. That's why I've decided to share with you a handful of the t-shirt ideas we've received over the past few days in our idea submission contest. I'm not doing this to dissuade anyone from submitting (and not to mention a chance to win $500 and your choice of 10 free t-shirts). Quite the contrary. We both want and need your ideas. But let's face it, people who like Carrot Top and Larry the Cable Guy have access to the same internet as the rest of us.
Also understand that I'm not defending every shirt we have as a work of high art. Charlie Brown kicking off Lucy's head is hardly "Whistler's Mother" and 'My life is a very complicated drinking game' is only slightly superior to "A Tale of Two Cities." Not every shirt we have is a masterwork to be loved by all. Hell, even "Cum-Chugging Gutter Sluts" puts out a bad issue every now and again. I'm just trying to share with you a taste of what we witness at any given moment and maybe help you learn what to avoid on your own quest to submit an idea. Enjoy, bitches. (And enjoy bitches.)
My wife laughs everytime the news does a story about "Ron Paul" because she always thinks "Ru Paul"... I ain't thqat creative - but figured you guys may be able to run with it.
Editor's Note: Perhaps my favorite kind of submission. We call this one the "Not really an idea" idea. The displayed submission is a near-perfect example of this, but I'll explain in case any of you aren't following me.
The submitter finds something to be funny in his or her head (whether they're stoned or retarded is never quite clear), but they don't have a solid idea, so they throw a few words together in much the same way that your Alzheimer's-ravaged grandma at the home makes a quilt out of old blue jean patches and banana peels. Then, instead of taking a moment to create their own idea or simply acknowledging that they don't have one, they ask us to turn their brain-queef into hilarity.
At that point your basically submitting a topic or a theme. "Beer jokes is funny. Ya'll should make a shirt about beer." Thanks, genius. We'd be fucked if you never suggested that we start providing armholes.
If that's allowed, where do you draw the line? "Sex is funny. You should make a shirt about sex." Then when we take someone's fully formed idea and produce the shirt, this asshole gets all pissed. "You totally ripped off my idea about making a joke about sex! Fuck you!" Yeah, sorry about that. And you know that thing you do where you use bread to make a sandwich? We totally stole that. Sorry again.
Having said that, we will be making a shirt that says "Ron Paul sounds kinda like RuPaul." Thanks for your submission!
Comments (7) - View Comments - Add A Comment
Well the idea is that most 7-Eleven or any other markets that I walk into the are some dirty ass motherfuckin people. And when I'm talking about cleanness I'm not talking about the store, I'm actually talking about the hygiene of the person. First thing i notice is funk and gunk all over the place. The floor is very dirty as shit and never gets mop or sometimes the coffee pot is very unclean they would just leave the coffee pot sitting there for hours (every 30min to 1hr they have to pour out the old one and clean the pot and make a new fresh one).
also, Sometimes I see the coffee table is very dirty and never gets cleaned off. I wonder how these people take care them self in their own home. anyways if u don't believe me you can visit 7-Eleven for yourself. and by the way Asian people are more cleaner. "It's not the store that keeps it clean. It's how you keep your self clean." Back T-shirt. "DIRTY MOTHER FUCKERS".
Editor's Note: This one qualifies for multiple categories. The "Unnecessary back story" idea and the "Way too much fucking writing" idea. I never even read submissions longer than four lines. I skim to find out the idea sucks and then skip it. We have a "50 words or less" rule for a reason. Jesus Christ. (That was blasphemy. He's not the reason for the 50 words or less rule.)
So the "too much writing" thing is bothersome, but that can be tolerated if it's used to describe what will actually appear on the shirt. The needless back story I mentioned, on the other hand, is never helpful. If your ideas are good we turn them into t-shirts, not into French films from the 30's. You don't need to set the fucking mood.
Here's the thing...If your idea doesn't stand alone it simply will not work as a shirt. Do you expect us to make this shirt and include a pamphlet with each one we sell for the wearer to pass to strangers so they'll get it after reading for 30 minutes?
The rest of the world wasn't there when the friend you call Monkeyboy kept eating things on a dare in that bar. So your submission of "Monkeyboy will eat anything" may seem hilarious to you, but for the rest of us it might as well say "Zebras can't dance, Sally."
By the way, if Asian people are "more cleaner," why is it every Asian I've ever encountered has been smeared with my shit? Think about it.
Comments (10) - View Comments - Add A Comment
My mom and dad went to vegas and all I got was this t-shirt ....and a sister
Editor's Note: File this one under "There is no fucking way to ever make that formula funny again." In this golden age of funny t-shirts, they have become so hip and self-referential that they sometimes collapse unto themselves under the weight of all that irony. Knowing that, there are certain ideas which should never again be considered.
"___ went to ___ and all I got was ___" is one of the worst offenders. There is nowhere left to go with that idea. But at least the above submission attempted to be funny. Oftentimes people just take a headline and lazily inject it into this old standard. "I did roids with Barry and all I got was this lousy shirt." Real good. Hey, I have a great joke for you. "Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Lindsay Lohan went to rehab!" How do I do it?
"I (heart) ___" is another obvious one. Apparently it's funny to "heart" anything that is of an adult nature. Whether you heart beer, sluts, donkey punches or licking balls, a shirt advertising your sentiments would be hilarious.
And let's not forget "I'm with ___." "I'm with stupid" is the granddaddy of them all, and my how he spread his seed. It's similar to "heart"ing someone or something. If you're wearing a shirt that says "I'm with smelly whore" and there's an arrow pointing to your left, it's funny because it suggests the person you're with is a smelly whore!
Those are the big three, but there are countless others. Transposing words or letters to indicate your drunken state (i.e. "I'm not as think as you drunk I am"), "If you can read this...," "Jesus saves - [any money related punchline]," and so on and so forth. To repeat my earlier point, I realize we're not some beacon of sophisticated humor. "He loves the cock" won't be winning a Pulitzer any time soon and "Slavery gets shit done" only won a Peabody. I'm only trying to help you see through my eyes and guide any of you wishing to submit an idea. And that brings us to...
Comments (13) - View Comments - Add A Comment
1. I like my women like i like my whisky...... 12 years old!
2. Incest is like monopoly. It's a game the whole family can play
3. the words 'I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself' and a picture of a guy mowing a lawn
1a. a picture of george carlin with a word bubble saying his famous quote, "You know what people don't talk about in public anymore? Pussy farts."
Editor's Note: These we call the "Blatant ripoffs." No slight alteration, no slant on a different idea; just sheer thievery. It's bad enough when it's some obscure line someone hoped they could slip past us (Google exists, by the way), but to just steal some joke which everyone over the age of twelve has heard at least 100 times and try to pass it off as your submission...What the fuck?
Along with 1-3, I see "It's not rape...it's surprise sex!" and "Silly faggot, dix are for chix" at least 10 times daily. There are too many others for me to attempt to list them all. If you've heard a joke, even if it was hilarious, you can rest assured I stopped finding it funny about 1,000 readings ago. I don't know if these people don't know or don't care what "original" means, but they have reduced countless jokes to a series of ones and zeroes for me.
Then there are ideas like 1a. Submissions where they actually indicate the source of the stolen humor. You may think they bother me just as much if not more than the rest, but that's not the case. I actually appreciate them. They can still fuck off and die, but at least they're up front about their lack of originality. They're admitting "Hey, I'm not funny, but here's someone who is." It's quite refreshing. When someone writes "...like on that episode of Family Guy" or "this was on a bumper sticker I saw," it actually warms my heart a little. Like lynching transit workers.
Comments (18) - View Comments - Add A Comment
[Vaya Con Dios, Ronnie James Dio]
There's more than one way to skin a cat. And the same can be said of chubby waitresses.