The New Year Thing
Happy New Year, pudding fans. I hope all of your resolutions are holding up well. I'm sad to say that I've already broken mine. But I just happened to be carrying a box full of fishhooks as I passed a midget parade, so what else was I supposed to do? Let's get to the news.
The past couple of weeks saw us say goodbye to three legends. First, the Godfather of Soul passed away. And this is where I'm supposed to say that the Godfather of Soul was Gerald Ford instead of James Brown to catch you off guard. Wouldn't that have been a wonderful punchline?
But if I could be serious for a moment, the hardest working man in show business, James Brown, passed away on Christmas Day. Sure, Santa can do that, but when I asked for a pony...
And shortly after the passing of James Brown, we said farewell to former president Gerald Ford. Other people say he died, but I prefer to say that he did an impression of Chevy Chase's career. And on a happy note, now that Gerald Ford is dead, I can finally check into Betty Ford.
Lastly, I would be remiss if I didn't recognize the passing of the greatest villain of our time. No disrespect to Osama bin Laden or Kim Jong Il or Britney Spears' vagina, but Saddam Hussein was the evil go-to guy for our generation. He was no Hitler, but he was the best we had. RIP, Saddam. Rape one of your virgins for me.
Movies, popcorn and sticky floors
A friend of ours is involved with something critics are calling "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE" I'd love to discuss it further, but every time I try to describe it I cry blood and the devil starts climbing out of my toilet. Fortunately, you can click the link below to check it out.
YOU WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
3...2...1...Happy New Shirts!
New shirts and a new year have both arrived, but only one of those things will bring you any happiness. Take a moment to examine your life and I'm sure you'll realize which one I'm talking about.
All of our new shirts are here:
New Year, Same Old Bullshit
2007 has just started, but that's not going to keep me from giving you all the year's top headlines. Other news sources may wait until hard facts and data have come across their desks before they report a story, but I'm going to cut right to the chase and tell you everything that went down in '07.
Now, obviously I don't have any specific names, places or dates, but you can just fill those in as the year progresses and information is passed along. So without further adieu (or ado, depending on how big of a twat you are), here is "2007 - The Year in Review."
In political news, President Bush urged Congress to [something involving the Middle East and the U.S. Military]. [Group of jerkoffs] supported the president, but [other group of jerkoffs] strongly opposed the president on this issue.
Also in politics, [random senator or congressman] was embroiled in a scandal when it was discovered that [he or she] [accepted money illegally and/or had inappropriate relations with a minor].
But 2007 wasn't just a big year for politics. The world of entertainment also had a lot to offer us in the way of news. First of all, who could forget when [random celebrity] was busted for DUI and sent to rehab. I think the image of [said celebrity's] mugshot will be burnt into my memory forever.
And who could forget when [B or C level celebrity] came out of the closet. As if that wasn't shocking enough, [celebrity couple] got divorced after [single-digit number] years of marriage. And the release of [lame movie] sparked protests from the Catholic church and helped [lame movie] go on to make over $500 million worldwide.
But it wasn't all bad news out of Hollywood. [Different celebrity couple] gave birth to a beautiful baby [boy or girl] and named it [random object that only a retard would name their baby]. They weren't the only ones with baby news. [Attention-starved, talentless celebrity] adopted a baby from [third world country].
It was also a banner year in sports. [Athlete that I forgot was still playing] broke [some record]. Also, the [random team name] shocked everyone when they won [name of championship trophy for corresponding sport].
Sadly, it wasn't all good news in the sports world. [Asshole] tested positive for steroid use and his case was [quickly forgotten or ignored]. There was also a huge brawl in [sports league dominated by black athletes] that resulted in the suspension of [3-5 dickheads covered in tattoos]. And [superstar athlete] was accused of [rape or murder], but the charges were dropped due to [superstar athlete] paying a large sum of money to [victim].
In world news, a [random natural disaster] struck [country somewhere in Asia] and killed [10,000-100,000] people.
In U.S. news, the entire nation prayed for [kidnapped blonde college girl and/or seven-year-old blonde girl], only to be saddened when her dead body was discovered [one week to four months] later.
Finally, who could forget that 2007 is the year that gave us [name of popular website]. The website that revolutionized [pointless activity] and had the entire world [something that wastes your life].
So there's your 2007 wrap-up. I would say it will be an amazing year, but the truth is that it will be a year like any other. As the months pass, the information I've left blank will fill in, the stories will be sold to us, and we'll react the same way we always do. We'll argue, debate, pass judgment, protest, make jokes, and, ultimately, nothing will change. And in 2008 it'll all start over again. See ya then, news fans!
There's Always Room for Jell-O - But I Usually Fill That Space With Hate
From: William H.
Sent: Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Subject: Your BOYCOTT!
I have been a supporter and customer of yours for a year now. That relationship has currently ended! I was absolutely enraged to see your "Why waste good toilet paper" Tshirt. Burning the American Flag and calling it "toilet paper" is outright un-American and fucking riduculous. You call yourself Americans, fuck you!! You don't like this country then get the fuck out and take all the illegals with you!
You sell your Tshirts to the soldiers overseas who were sworn to protect and defend the same flag you desacrated by calling it toilet paper! Fuck you, you ungrateful, unAmerican, and unappriecitive sacks of shit. That Flag you call "toilet paper" allows you to call yourself Free, because without it you would be nothing more than worthless peasant living under the control of some foreign power.
I hope you realize what kind of impact that shirt will have on your sales, you butt fuck morons! I have BOYCOTTED your website as have all 300 friends on my myspace list, which you know will spread like a wild fire. I have also sent this boycott to my friend who is a Sergent in the Marine Corp in Iraq! His Platoon and he were livid when I relayed the information to them.
I have also opened a public forum calling for the boycott of all your products, indefinitely! In addition, I have asked all people owning any piece of your merchandise to burn it in protest while taking a picture to be sent to you with the ashes! Understand that I will not stop until that shirt is removed or you go out of business! Hopefully the latter! In conclusion, get the fuck out of my Country!
William H., a proud American!
(Editor's Note: Samuel Johnson once said "Patriotism is the last refuge of scoundrels." I'd like to amend that statement for the 21st century. I think it should be "Patriotism is the last refuge of ignorant assholes." It's not as articulate as the original quote, but I think it suits our times more accurately. Any dumbass can wrap himself in the flag and say "rah rah" for America and he thinks he's better than everyone else.
I've got news for you, William. This flag worship is the patriotic equivalent of idolatry. People like you are so busy sucking the dick of this pretty design that you don't know about anything relevant going on in this country. It's not that dissimilar from people that go to church and buy tiny crucifixes so they can claim to be Christian. Freedom of speech and civil liberties are shit on left and right in this country on a daily basis and morons like you don't bat an eyelash, but make a joke about some strands of fabric and you foam at the mouth.
As much as you'd like to believe it, the flag hasn't done shit for this country. The flag never set sail for this country to start a free nation and the flag never killed a bunch of Nazis to help spread democracy. In short, the flag hasn't given its life for this country because it doesn't have a life to give. It's an inanimate object. Our national symbol may as well be a Rubik's Cube. A country's flag is just a symbol that let's you know which team to ignore slightly less during the Olympics. It's not our heart and soul. And the more people like you forget that, the more we get genuinely fucked over in this country.
But enough of all that. I would like to take this time to wish you good luck on your boycott. Our sales have continued to climb, so I'm assuming all of your friends haven't gotten your message yet. Either that, or they aren't all as retarded as you. In conclusion, me and all the illegals in this country will be staying here to start a new business. We're going to sell toilet paper with the American flag printed all over it. I hope we can count on your business, William. The flag thanks you.)
Sent: Thursday, November 30, 2006
i thought you should know that i'm currently deployed in the middle east, the military (in all its glory) has blocked your tshirthell website from all our computers. just thought that you should know even though we all love you, uncle sam even has it in for your sweet ass company. it's a crock of shit, but what can you do? although we can get shot at, we can't amuse ourselves at someone else's expense. maybe if we could see your site we wouldn't have to go out to rape and kill the dirkas for shits and giggles.
all my love, dave
(Editor's Note: This isn't hatemail, but I wanted to include it right next to the email from the dickhole above. I just think it's simply delicious that Captain Douchebag told his friend the Sergeant (spelled with an A - apparently proper spelling is treason) to boycott us after we had already been blocked on their computers. By simply being ourselves we were more effective than any ban or boycott this idiot could ever have hoped to undertake.
So, in essence, soldiers who wouldn't have otherwise known about us now do thanks to this guy. That is so fucking sweet. Much like all the pathetic holier-than-thou's who try to ban Harry Potter, and the twats that destroy albums of whichever musician is ruining the country this month, these piles of faulty chromosomes simply do nothing more than raise awareness and help popularize the very thing they're trying to destroy.
So I'd like to send a shout out to William H., proud American. We couldn't do it without you. And to anyone else that wishes to boycott us, may I suggest you do it in Time Magazine or the New York Post? One love.)
Sent: Thursday, November 09, 2006
Hello there, how are you? My name is Nazire, and I was visiting your website today. Granted, your production crew has come up with very imaginative and humorous banners for your t shirts. I must admit I laughed a lot at some of them. None the less some of them are very offending. I would at leaast encourage your team to be a little bit more politically correct and sensetive towards religious and ethnical differences. It might seem funny until someone sees that, gets very offended and sues your company for degradation. Just a friendly suggestion.
Have a great day
(Editor's Note: Thanks for the friendly suggestion, Nazire. Now here's one for you. Kill yourself and take as many of your friends and family members as possible with you. I'm for the death of anyone and everyone, but you and anyone that can tolerate your presence would be the first people I'd like to check off my list. The name Nazire suggests that some kind of bomb should be involved, but however you want to do it is cool with me. Poison your food, start a carbon monoxide leak, jump off the top floor of the building where retarded cunts congregate, whatever.
And to you and anyone else out there that wants to complain about a shirt, you can leave your polite nature at home. If you're going to tell someone to fuck off, let 'em have it. All this "Pardon me sir, but your shirt offends me. Please be so kind as to remove it." bullshit is just embarrassing and boring. Everyone that complains about a shirt offending them is ignorant, but at least some people let genuine emotions out via their ignorance. They curse, they threaten, they condemn...But only assholes like you go for this passive-aggressive bullshit.
"You have every right to make your shirts, but some people are offended. I just don't want to see you get sued. I'm trying to help." Why don't you just say what everyone else is thinking? "I'm a douchebag and I have no friends. Please take some time out of your life to acknowledge the person that doesn't have one." Jesus...this isn't even the equivalent of bringing a knife to a gunfight. This is like bringing flowers to a gunfight and bringing your mom along for emotional support.)
From: Christian U.
Sent: Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Subject: oh my god, that's racist :)
The 'God made Adam and Eve...Not Alejandro and Eva' shirt really shouldn't be there. I like your attitude, even though it tells me to fuck off every now and then, and I'm sure you're not intentionally racist. And the t-shirt IS kinda funny, BUT I bet a lot of Nazis and general racists will wear it because of the extremely racist statement right there on the shirt.
It says "god made the white man, not the Hispanics. Aight?" And, of course, in the right context, that's funny, because that IS racist, but it's somehow a valid argument and that shows how flawed religion is. Yes. So. If I were you, I wouldn't sell it.
(Editor's Note: I can't stand when people assume things about me. How the fuck do you know whether or not I'm intentionally racist? It just so happens I am intentionally racist. Just ask all the wetbacks I shoot with my potato gun as they cross the border. I'm sure they'll back me up on that. And it's okay for me to use the term wetback because I'm not one.
On a related note, how would one go about being "accidentally" racist? Racism HAS to be intentional by its definition. I can't just beat an Asian kid to death and say "Oops. My shovel slipped 217 times." You also mention that the shirt is funny and suggest that Nazis and general racists will wear it. Well who needs laughter more than them? Maybe they wouldn't commit hate crimes if they had a few more things to laugh at in this world. That's why I pack all the humor I can into the speeches I deliver at my monthly "Nazi and General Racist Club" meetings.
The last thing I'll mention about this email perfectly sums up how stupid these complaints are. He says that the shirt is funny in the same email where he says that religion is flawed, yet we're supposed to get rid of the shirt while religion is supposed to go on being fucked up? Here's an idea: we'll keep on making whatever shirts we want and religion can get rid of itself. Or our shirts and religion can live side by side in harmony while dumbfucks like you blow your brains out. Either way works for me.)
Parting Isn't Sorrow, But It Is Sweet
And on the eighth day, God regretted it.