Gerald Ford was just hospitalized with pneumonia. You know when Gerald Ford's imminent death is making the news that it's high time for another pretty white girl to get kidnapped. In other news; on Monday, in honor of Martin Luther King Day, BET showed 27 videos about big asses.
[If You Knew New Shirts like Our New Shirts]
From showing your tits to shaving your balls, this week's selection has got you covered. Not to mention the fun we had with the gift of Christ, getting shit on, and Jew on Jew violence. Are you sorry for being so fucking sexy? Me too!
All of our new shirts are here:
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[The Word of God as told by Pat Robertson]
Pat Robertson recently made headlines when he stated that God caused Ariel Sharon's stroke, because Sharon was trying to divide the Holy Land. This is hardly the first time Robertson's comments have created such a stir. He also claimed that God sent Hurricane Katrina because New Orleans is filled with hedonists and homosexuals. While those statements got the most media attention, we managed to dig up the following additional, actual quotes from Pat Robertson. Enjoy.
Magic Johnson acquired AIDS because God had $50 on the Lakers when the Chicago Bulls defeated them in the 1991 NBA Finals.
God shot Kurt Cobain in the head because 'In Utero' was a disappointing follow-up to, 'Nevermind'.
God commanded my [Pat Robertson's] hairdresser to suck me [Pat Robertson] off in my [Pat Robertson's] dressing room. When she didn't, God blackened both of her eyes.
Osama Bin Laden is still alive and well because God always felt the Twin Towers were, "too towery".
God allowed the Roman soldiers to torture Jesus, because he was disappointed
that Jesus gave up on the carpentry thing. Especially, after Jesus had promised to make God a napkin holder.
Satan was cast out of Heaven because he kept saying, "Ex-squeeze me?" and
"Smell you later!"
God is black. He afflicted Africa with AIDS because he didn't want it to seem like he was playing favorites.
God doesn't mind you taking his name in vain. He does, however, get pissed when people talk bad about the guy that played Mr. Belvedere.
God thinks Nickelback is crap, and not just because they're all queer.
And while being a homosexual is a sin, God forgives them purely on the virtue of also being simply FABULOUS!
As a point of contrast, I think this is a good point for me to throw in a personal conversation I had with God.
Yesterday, I got a flat tire and I was like, 'Why me Lord?' And God said, 'Bitch, thou ate all the cereal this morning.' And I was like, 'Damn it, God, I told you I'd buy more after work!' And He was like, 'Fuck you, cunt. Did thou not see the burning bush that sprang forth from the front of the box of Special K? Why didn't thou just eat the frozen waffles that you've had sitting there for 2 MONTHS?'
So, I just left. You can't talk to Him when He gets like that.
Well, that was just a small sample of the wisdom that pours forth from Pat Robertson each and every day. Hope you enjoyed it. And remember to keep watching the 700 Club. Robertson promises to reveal startling new video evidence that Jesus came over his house, and his neighbor's son accidentally struck Him in the crotch with a wiffle ball bat. Or that might have been Bob Saget. It was either Jesus or Bob Saget.
[Hate to Hate You, Baby]
----- Original Message -----
From: hotpockets45 @ ***.com
Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2006 8:30 PM
Subject: about your shirts
I'm emailing you regarding some of the shirts that I saw on your website. I don't see how you could have such horrible things written on shirts. I saw a few funny things, but most of them really upset me. I specifically don't like the ones that are against God. You must really be a sick person to put some of those different sayings on a shirt. I'm really offended by the shirts, and I just wanted to let you know that. I know that you probably don't care, but I just wanted to express my opinion to you. God gave you life, and you sure don't appreciate it. It's obvious that you don't believe in God because if you did, you wouldn't have these things on shirts about him. I hope that one day you'll realize how horrible you have been by putting this stuff on shirts. I will be praying for you! I love Jesus, and I hope that one day you will, too!
(Editor's Note: I really love the idea that you feel the need to defend God. As if God is so insecure he can't take a joke. Do you think He's up in Heaven checking out
T-Shirt Hell and just bursting into tears? And by the way hotpockets45, if that is your real name, God didn't give me life. There was a court down in Texas that tried to give me life, but when the witnesses kept 'disappearing' they had no choice but to let me go. And to think I wasted all of that money on jury tampering. So, don't talk about shit you know nothing about you dim-witted sow. Also, while I was getting Jesus' permission to use his picture on a shirt, he mentioned that he hates you.
And he told me to ask you to stop masturbating with your crucifix. He's
tired of having sticky feet that smell like rotting tuna.)
----- Original Message -----
From: George R.
Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2006 5:09 PM
I am a fan of ruthless humor, really...but your soldier #3000 shirt fuckin disgusts me. I don't get it this time. Don't you think there is even a line for you guys not to cross. You guys fucked up. Do you think that all the guys over there want to be there, for them it's a job. Do the right thing and drop it from the line.
(Editor's Note: What do you mean, 'you don't get it this time'? What's not to get? It's something as ridiculous as getting a free juicer set against
the backdrop of something as important as our soldiers dying. Now that
explained that, let me get to the rest of your e-mail. As to whether or
we have a line we don't cross: no, we don't. It's only when you have a
you don't cross,that you show your true character in regards to the lines
you do. You, for example, draw the line at 'dead soldier' shirts, but you
have no problem with the rape, murder or pedophilia shirts? By crossing
line we show that every subject deserves the same amount of respect,
you don't mind raped women or children being molested. You are such a
guy because you draw the line at dead soldiers. Can I nominate you for
sainthood or something? You certainly deserve a gold star, or at the very
least a golden shower. Open your mouth wide George so maybe my sweet
can rinse out all of the shit coming out of it.)
----- Original Message -----
From: NemesisAce @ ***.com
Sent: Sunday, January 15, 2006 1:17 AM
As a family member of a soldier and a soldier myself, I would like to make my out rage known. I feel that the "when soldier #3000 dies, i get a free juicer' t-shirt be taken off the site and not sold. it's one thing to not support the war, and one thing to practice freedom of speech, but it's a whole different story to joke about the death of a soldier, someone's loved one. that is totally 100% disrespectful, and damn close to un-American.
(Editor's Note: When we put up this shirt we expected to receive some hate
mail, we just didn't expect so much about soldiers. While you were busy
getting upset about our attitude toward our soldiers, did you ever stop to
consider your own attitude towards juicers? Juicers: the oft slighted
bastard children of the popular, more versatile blender have often been
target of abuse in our country. They juice our fruits and vegetables
without complaint and all they ask for in return is our respect. So, while
all of you are up in arms concerning our soldiers, I think you've shown
true colors by displaying your disrespect and utter lack of pride in our
American, and sometimes French juicers. The fact that we have a 3-hour
winning film about General Patton while the stories of our juicers are
relegated to 4 am infomercials is just more evidence of their second class
status. In the future I hope you'll all be more sympathetic, and think of
all that juicers have sacrificed their sharp blades, and clean pulp
collectors, just so you could enjoy your refreshing
----- Original Message -----
From: OFTHIRTY @ ***.com
Sent: Tuesday, January 03, 2006 3:52 PM
I love your web site and have a couple of shirts but I'm not to happy about the solders one. I know you could give of fuck if I buy anymore or not....But our boys and girls are dyeing over there and you are making fun of them.
(Editor's Note: They're dyeing? Honestly, it's almost too easy. It's like shooting kids in a barrel. No, I don't mean fish. You have your barrel and I'll have mine. So, in no particular order.
#1 Dyeing? Is this a warzone or a beauty parlor?
#2 - I was concerned about our soldiers, but if they have time to give each other highlights...
#3 - If you don't want to be spotted, or humiliated by insurgents: make sure the curtains match the drapes.
#4 - Our boys are dyeing over there, too? So, I guess, 'don't ask/don't tell' doesn't apply to metrosexuals?
#5 - And finally, something about no more blood for Miss Clairol Sunrise Gold #71RG.
Okay, that's more than enough. And just so you know, we didn't make fun of our boys and girls until you pointed out that the only war they're
fighting is the war on visible roots, so this is all on you.)
[Here's Your Happy Ending, I'll go wash up]
Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have. So,
attention in the cancer ward: buck up you bunch of ingrates!