01/22/04

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T-SHIRT HELL EXPOSED
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When Playboy told us they wanted to do an article on us,
I immediately went out and shaved my ball sack. But they
only used the pictures of our t-shirts. If you're wondering
where they hid the bunny on the cover, apparently it is up
Jaime Pressly's ass.

We also were mentioned in US Weekly, which has so far
devoted 2 entire issues to Britney Spear's recent marriage.
This is the biggest story they've had since the Olsen Twins/
R. Kelley recent gangbang video resurfaced.

Read about us here.

http://www.tshirthell.com/press.htm

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WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF CLEAN UNDERWEAR
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In spite of the fact that we turn it inside out to wear an extra day.
But seriously, check out Underwear Hell where we are down to
our last four designs. Buy underwear now before it's too late.

http://www.tshirthell.com/underwearhell.shtml

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4 NEW SHIRTS, 4 BEATLES. COINCIDENCE?
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Hollywood is full of pathetic posers who wear the lamest crap.
This shirt is one of their favorites, and sure to be coming to a
"Hot Topic" near you.
http://www.tshirthell.com/images/homeboy.jpg

We've designed our own alternative version. Enjoy.
http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=276

The man who inspired Elton John. (Not that there's anything wrong
with that.) Who's the Boss? This guy.
http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=277

Helping people will get you into heaven. But why would you want to do
that? You wouldn't know anybody when you got there.
http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=278

If you need to change the sheets after you bang your girlfriend,
(and not because she saw you with your shirt off and threw up)
Have we got one for her. Or for you, you little freak.
http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=279

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WE TAKE REQUESTS
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We have always had a place for you to send us your crummy t-shirt ideas.
If we chose one of them, we will pay you $100.

http://www.tshirthell.com/ideasregular.htm

Now we have a new place where we ask for specific ideas on a specific topic.
For example, this week we're looking for more things we hate about
white people.

http://www.tshirthell.com/ideasrequest.htm

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HORSE AND BUGGERY
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As most of you probably know I was born and raised in the
Amish community. It was a simple life. We farmed; we ate
only frozen waffles; and played Twister. When an Amish
child reaches their 16th birthday, there is a rite of passage
called Rumspringa. They go out into the "English World"
to see if they prefer it, before joining the Amish church.

Needless to say I chose to stay in the "English World"
Frozen waffles are much better when you can put them
in an electric toaster, instead of leaving them on the
windowsill to thaw.

But now my father is getting older and my mother wants
me to come back and run the family porn business. Porn is
the number 1 industry in the Amish community, just ahead of
our Meth labs. When you hear the Amish talking about a
"Barn Raising" they are referring to a sex act that is somewhere
between a Dirty Sanchez and a Cleveland Steamer. Oh, how
the Amish love a "Barn Raising". Amish men do not have
mustaches because they thought they made their porn movies
look like they were from the 70's. Plus, they interfere when they
tongue each other's assholes. Amish girls are incredibly sexual.
You've never had a handjob until you've had one from a girl who
works a butter churn all day.

So now I have to decide whether to stay here in the glamorous world
of high fashion, or return to a more simple existence of filming teenage
girls getting fucked by goats. Stay tuned. Or as we say in the
Amish community, "un di hallichkeit in ayvichkeit".

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ANGRY MAIL FROM STUPID PEOPLE LIKE YOU
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From: "Brian" <1***@ikillclowns.com>
Sent: Wednesday, January 07, 2004 7:58 AM
Subject: Re: T-Shirt Hell New Year's Special

TAKE ME OFF YOUR MAILING LIST!!!!! Your "interview" with
Michael Jackson and Jessica Lynch makes me sick! I can understand
making fun of Michael Jackson but you guys went way to far bringing
Jessica Lynch into this! There are so many Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and
Marines (like Jessica Lynch, many of my friends, and me) who have made
many sacrifices to serve the USA. There are many more people (like the
rest of the soldiers in Jessica Lynch's convoy) that made the ultimate
sacrifice, paid with their lives, to provide you with the blanket of freedom
that you so comfortably lie beneath. Calling her a "Poontang Of War" is
despicable! The statements you people made obviously mean that you
don't support our troops, the War on Terrorism, or the United States of
America!

(Editor's Note: I've got nothing against the armed forces. If people
want to join the army, they have my blessing. But I'm so tired of this
"sacrifice" crap. When you join the army, they tell you that people are
going to shoot at you. That's your job. Your job is not to sit on your
bunk and jerk off. So don't ask me to congratulate you for doing what
you're paid to do. The fact that a pedophile like Michael Jackson can
appreciate what a piece of ass Jessica Lynch is, should be taken as a
huge compliment. And as for your, "comfortable blanket of freedom,"
I for one find it rather itchy.)

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----- Original Message -----

From: Pat
Sent: Tuesday, January 13, 2004 7:36 PM
Subject: Question

If I send in a cash order, am I guaranteed a shirt, or is there a chance
that you will keep the money and say that you never got any? Thanks!

(Editor's Note: Obviously, we would keep the money and not send out
a shirt. Oh right, like you wouldn't?)

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----- Original Message -----

From: Rosemarie****
Sent: Wednesday, January 21, 2004 4:52 PM
Subject: Improve.. your cup sizes! Medically proven! ejthrenzigj k

How are you doing today? You can increase firmness fullness naturally..
One to three cup sizes more. For a shaplier and sexier bustline. Every
person would like to improve something about themselves and this natural
herbal formula can do the trick

(Editor's Note: OK, so it was the holidays and I may have over indulged
a bit, but my breasts are still very cute and perky. The nerve of some
people. This stuff probably won't work any better than all that monkey urine
I've been drinking. Although I forgot what that was supposed to do, it sure
hits the spot!)

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I'm leaving. You can stay here and read if you want to.
Peace, peace, peace. Peace on Van Nuys.