The End of January Thing
A lot has happened the past couple of weeks, so let's get right to the news.
President Bush has decided to send over 20,000 more troops into the Middle East. Many people have criticized him for this, but I applaud the President for doing everything he can to help put a stop to our planet's rampant overpopulation problem. Also in political news, buzz over Barack Obama continues to build as he looks to become the first black President of the United States. As a fellow African-American, you may think that I support Obama, but that's not the case. You see...I like fighting the power. And if the power is black, it'll just make our weekly meetings that much more awkward.
In other news, a major winter storm recently hit the U.S. and left much of the country covered in a thick sheet of ice. As if that wasn't bad enough, the country was soon after covered in a thick layer of retarded after another storm struck. Well, I call it a storm. You may call it American Idol.
One Fish, Two Fish - Jew Shirts, New Shirts
We have added so many new shirts that you can practically smell God choking on his own vomit. Or her own vomit, depending on how your imagination works.
Anyway, we've added something for everyone (except for decent people). Whether you're into circle jerks or bleaching your asshole, we've got the shirt for you. And if that's not enough, we've also got shirts that deal with not one but TWO kinds of rape. Those and many more.
All of our new shirts are here:
Drain the Ocean Until the Job Is Done
Due to the fact that American military efforts in Iraq haven't gone as smoothly as planned, President Bush has called for more troops to be sent to the region. Politicians on both sides of the aisle have disagreed with the President on this matter, but he is sticking to his guns. And I, for one, completely agree with the President on this. That is because Bush, unlike the rest of the world, is smart enough to know that if a solution isn't working, all you need is more of the same solution.
Now, if you try to solve a problem, and you keep on trying to solve that problem the exact same way for a period of four years and you still see no signs of improvement, you may be tempted to find a different solution to that problem. Either that, or just give up on solving the problem entirely. This is where President Bush is superior to the rest of us. He understands that the first solution, as ineffectual as it may be, is always the best solution. Even if the problem you're addressing changes as time goes on, the solution doesn't need to.
Allow me to cite a personal experience as an example. Three years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My doctor told me it was in its early stages and if I started treatment immediately, there was a very good chance I could make a full recovery. But despite the doctor's advice, I decided to combat my breast cancer by eating Circus Peanuts. Nothing in the history of the world suggested to me that this would work, but that wasn't going to stop me from following the path that I knew was right.
My doctor strongly protested. My friends and family also argued with me over my course of action. They relentlessly showed me all the information on cancer treatment. They showed me all the statistics, they explained what steps I would need to take, and they described to me, in detail, the process of the treatment. They even went so far as to study Circus Peanuts to prove to me that they have absolutely no curative properties. They made a compelling case, but I didn't let their facts and knowledge dissuade me from doing what I knew in my heart was right.
As time went by, my condition grew worse and worse. After some time, the cancer spread to other parts of my body. At that point, my deterioration accelerated at an alarming rate. I became incredibly weak and had a very hard time breathing. My doctor and friends told me that even if it was too late to be cured, I could at the very least treat the cancer to make the pain less severe and extend my life. But no matter what anyone said, I just kept cramming those soft orange candies in my mouth.
Things were looking bleak. Everyone, myself included, thought that I could go at any minute. But even as I began to suspect that eating Circus Peanuts to treat cancer was a huge mistake, I never wavered. I just kept on ignoring the advice of people much smarter and more informed than me. And that's when it happened. Suddenly, and inexplicably, I was cured. All traces of cancer left my body. My friends say their prayers did it. My doctor writes it off as a medical anomaly. But I know the truth. I stuck by what I knew was true in my heart, not by what was true on paper. Now I'm cured and I have Circus Peanuts and my own ignorance to thank.
My point is that we should stand behind the President on his decision to send more troops to the Middle East. His solution has thus far proven to be unsuccessful, and there's every possibility it will remain unsuccessful in the years to come, but that's no reason to give up on it or change it.
And that goes for everything, not just the crisis in Iraq. If someone claims that we can solve global warming by throwing pennies at zebras, don't question anything. Just grab a roll of pennies and get to chucking. And if your car starts acting funny, don't take it to a mechanic to get it checked out. Just start pouring gravy on your nephew every day until your car gets fixed. People will dismiss this action as "ineffective" and "illogical," but you just keep pouring gravy on your nephew and, eventually, your car will be purring like a kitten.
A wise man once said "If it aint broke, don't fix it." But a wiser man once said "If fixing it don't work, just send in more troops."
Kiss Me Hate
From: Helena C
Sent: Saturday, October 28, 2006
Do you gentlemen even look at what you're selling on your site? What it implies?
Don't be racist, sexist bastards. Well of course, that's what all the mindless generic fucks are doing these days, but that doesn't mean your submissive little servant selves have to comply. And here's a pleasant little print -
The Fine Line Between Clever and Just Plain Dick-Suckingly Stupid : We At T Shirt Hell Don't Know It, Won't You Help Us?
(Editor's Note: I am a racist, sexist bastard, but it's not my fault. I didn't ask to be born an Aquarius. But seriously...I was being serious.
To answer your initial question, no, I don't look at what we sell on our site. I was doing this for two years before I even realized we sold t-shirts. As long as the money kept rolling in, I didn't give a shit where it came from. We could sell robots programmed to rape babies and burn kittens for all I care (FYI - we've discontinued those). I get paid, people get a product they want - everybody's happy. Except for douchebags. That's you, Helena.
By the way - if you want to call us dick-suckingly stupid, just do it. You don't have to try and pull off your own pathetic attempt at being clever to point out that we aren't. If it backfires, you just end up looking like a fool. I'm sure when you conceived this little 'Help Wanted' bit in your head you thought you were creating your very own "Who's on first?" or "Take my wife...please." But to people with an actual sense of humor, it ranks somewhere between a Marmaduke strip and a Carrot Top routine.
So stop wasting our time and go write some fan-mail to the living Belushi to let him know that someone out there appreciates him. Thanks and fuck off.)
From: Dirty Water
Sent: Monday, October 30, 2006
Subject: Nothing runs like a queere
This t-shirt encourages violence against homosexuals. It's no joke. I won't be buying any of your t-shirts again.
(Editor's Note: I'm always curious as to why people feel the need to tell us they won't be buying any of our shirts. There are nearly seven billion people on this planet. I'm aware that not all of them are buying shirts from us. When you mention that you won't be buying shirts, you don't become an enemy. You just become another dick that I don't give a shit about.
Do people like you make a point of telling people what you're NOT buying? When you approach the cashier at Jackass-Mart do you tell them about stuff you didn't buy? "Hey dude...there were oranges back there, but I didn't buy them. Lampshades too. You should get rid of all that shit. I'm never gonna buy any of it."
Anyway, forgive me for sounding like a comedian from the 80's. Concerning the shirt itself - you're both right and wrong about it. It's true that the shirt is no joke, but it most definitely doesn't encourage violence against homosexuals. It simply praises their running ability. If anything, it deters violence against homosexuals. Think about it. If you knew someone was a great runner, wouldn't you think twice before attacking them? Lord knows I've beaten many a heterosexual with a pipe because I simply didn't have the energy to chase after a homosexual. Later, fag.)
From: sarah k.
Sent: Monday, October 30, 2006
Subject: single mothers t
OK I've got a sense of humor and some of those T's are great but the "I support Single Mothers" shirt is stupid and offensive to women, most whome have been screwed over buy men like those who probably make this shirt. Get a clue, get a life, and I hope your own mother smacks you upside the head for making this shirt.
(Editor's Note: Guess who's a stripper. Here's a hint. She's a dumb bitch and she wrote this email.
Anyway, my mother does smack me, but it's more in the ass area. And it usually involves a trout and a jar of honey. And it's not my mother. Well...not always. Honestly, if we're going to start getting complaints about a shirt this tame, I don't know what's left to do but to start poisoning people at random. This is about half a step above complaining about a certain font or using the color red.
I like how people that tell you they have a sense of humor are the only people that don't have one. If you have a sense of humor, you categorize comedy as funny or not funny. The words offensive, insensitive and dangerous don't enter into it. Like, if I were to enter the strip club you most certainly work at and I were to make you cry about what a husk of a person you are, people with a sense of humor would find that funny or not funny, simple as that.
By the way, next time you want to stick up for our gender, make sure you know how to spell the words 'whom' and 'by.' Jesus...it's women like you that keep the rest of us from being taken seriously when we go to work wearing crotchless panties, nipple tassels and sparkles.)
Sent: Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Subject: You think its funny eh
you think its funny that hitler invaded poland, well I myself have no control what you guys think is or isnt funny, but you score a 10 out of 10 for ruining my day ,I just cant stand it when people do that, why would u put something so obcene , does it lighten up your day, you guys are sick, thats all, anti semetic , bulshitters
(Editor's Note: You see...now this is how you make grammatical mistakes. Either go all out or don't go at all. It's cute to misspell a couple of words, but when you just put down your thoughts with no regard for punctuation, capitalization or sentence structure, people may think you just don't care, instead of thinking you're the retard you actually are.
But despite the fact that you don't know what a question mark or a word is, I was able to translate a bit of this rambling from 'paint-huffing mongoloid' into 'human.' And I would like to say, no, I don't think it's funny that Hitler invaded Poland. I think it's funny that a lot of Jews died as a result. But it wasn't so much funny "ha ha" as it was funny "I'll never get tired of that story, grandpa."
Regardless, I'm glad I scored a perfect 10 out of 10 for ruining your day. I'm guessing I would've gotten a similar score from your mom after what I did to her uterus, but she was so upset she didn't even take the time to fill out my survey. Fucking bitch.)
My Life Is Like This Newsletter - I'm Ending It
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But you have to take them orally.