The Super Bowl is almost here. I was excited about it; but now that Coretta Scott King has passed away there's probably very little chance she'll flash her titty at halftime. It's too bad they have to show all of that football between the funny commercials. Although, I suppose it does help get people psyched up for the post game rioting.
[Newiest Shirts Ever!]
Well, the Winter Olympics are almost here. But on the bright side, they're almost over.
Whether you're a fan of racism, breast cancer, wire tapping, or midgets:
we've got the shirt for you. Plus, we've gone outside our regular band of idiots to bring you a t-shirt created by a school teacher! Plus, we've updated our Postal Shootings Tour to celebra... commemorate the most recent tragedy.
All of our new shirts are here:
If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste it into your browser.
[Can You Hear Me Now?]
The White House taps my phone. I don't really mind. I would mind even less of course, if they would chip in when I call 976-HOT-TWAT but that's really neither here nor there.
Maybe it's because Osama Bin Laden is a good friend of mine. It's sad really. You destroy a couple buildings, order the deaths of thousands; and people think that's all your about. Well, we're not. We both love long walks on the beach, fudgsicles, Wheel of Fortune, celebrity mags (guilty pleasure) and are overall well-rounded individuals.
But since people can't seem to get past the whole 'terrorist' thing, Osama thought it might be a good idea to release the transcript of one of our chats. Here is a small excerpt from the conversation we had yesterday. Enjoy.
EDITOR: Osama? What's up buddy?
OSAMA: Not much you godless tool of the Great Satan. I just finished Pilates. What's up with you?
E: Oh, nothing. How's work?
O: You know how it is; same dung different day. Seen any good flicks?
E: Let me think... Brokeback Mountain. That was damn good. Have you checked that out yet?
O: Come on, do you know who you're talking too?
E: Oh yeah; you and your 'issues'. You really need to get over that shit.
Think about how many good suicide bombers you've passed on just because they were gay. They can blow up buildings just as well as a straight guy, you know?
O: I know, I know. It's just how I was raised. I'm too old to change now.
When I find out someone is gay I just can't handle it. So, I stone them to death, or behead them, or shoot them. You know, whatever's easiest.
E: What a waste. Just think of all the innocent civilians who they could have taken with them. Well, I'm not going to stand here and lecture you.
E: What else is going on? How's the family?
O: Which one? (laughs)
E: Oh, right. You have a lot of wives and children. I never get tired of that joke. I don't know how you still have the energy to fuck all those goats. Are they putting Red Bull in your dialysis machine?
O: Fuck you, man. How's your family?
E: Oh, you know. Still dead.
O: Yeah, sorry about that. So, I finished cleaning the sparrows from my gutters.
E: The what? Oh, right the 'sparrows' from your 'gutters'. How many were there?
O: About 20,000. And on Saturday they're removing a 30 lb dachshund from my ass.
E: Dachshund? (pause) I'm sorry, is 'dachshund' Haifa or Tel Aviv?
O: Just forget it.
E: You mean...
O: I said just forget it, ok?
E: So, who do you like in the Super Bowl?
O: Smart money is on Pittsburgh.
O: Let's just say Seattle's flight has been rerouted.
E: Gotcha. Thanks for the tip, man. I'll see you later.
O: Peace out nigga.
[Don't Hate the Mail, Hate the Game: which is Parcheesi.]
----- Original Message -----
From: Stephen G.
Sent: Sunday, January 29, 2006 7:25 AM
there's enough anti-semitism in this country without you guys spreading it with your shirts. the dirty jew shirt was bad enough but when I saw the 'stop jew on jew violence' shirt I had to say something. you may not be aware of it, but jews are still the target of a lot of intolerance and racism in this country. we can take a joke as well as anyone, but you don't need to spread bigotry. please remove these shirts or I will pursue legal action.
(Editor's Note: Normally, I wouldn't have bothered to reply to such a silly complaint. But a Jew threatening legal action is like an Asian threatening to do math: you don't want to fuck around with it. So, let me just assure you that we are not spreading bigotry or anti-Semitism. Not through our shirts anyway. I mean, that's kind of the purpose of our weekly Klan meeting. Of course those tend to get ugly when I ask why there are not more black women like me in the group. So, please don't sue me, or use your absolute control of the media to shower us with free publicity. Just sit back, relax, and try to enjoy your wife's latke-flavored snatch. I suggest sour cream over apple sauce, to compliment her milky discharge: but that's really up to you.)
----- Original Message -----
From: Slammy*** @ ***.com
Sent: Friday, December 23, 2005 11:03 AM
Subject: your baby shirts
I don't have a moral objection to any of the content on your site. Whatever someone chooses to put on their body is their own choice. Babies, however, don't have a choice as to what they wear. They are forced to wear whatever a parent decides. I have an 8-month old and I can't imagine putting one of these shirts on him. I wish you'd remove the baby shirt section. I just can't believe that there are so many bad parents out there that you feel the need to keep those shirts posted. Please remove them for the sake of the babies that aren't given a choice.
(Editor's Note: You're right. Babies can't choose what they wear. But if they could, do you think babies would choose to wear Elmo shirts? No, they don't give a shit. So, they might as well wear something that makes their parents laugh. Until someone buys our baby shirt made out of lead paint chips and broken glass (which are new for Spring, but will only be available initially in the Philippines), they aren't going to do any more harm than a goddamn Winnie the Pooh shirt. And how dare you call someone a bad parent just because they buy a shirt that makes them laugh and causes absolutely no harm. You know what I consider a bad parent? Someone that wastes their time writing pointless letters about shit they find offensive instead of spending time with their baby. So do us all a favor. Go raise your baby that probably would've been better off being aborted; and pray that the twat-faced cunt gene isn't inherited from the mother's side of the
----- Original Message -----
From: JHAYES* @ ***.com
Sent: Wednesday, January 18, 2006 5:01 PM
Subject: Re: The Mid January Thingy
"While you were busy getting upset about our attitude toward our soldiers, did you ever stop to consider your own attitude towards juicers?"
OH my!!! Comparing soldiers and juicers........so, infantile. So, SAD. What happened to make you so bitter? I'd really like to know that. And, obviously, you'll never recover from it. Every time I get a newsletter, I think, this is so sad. I'm going to remove myself from the list, but maybe one day I'll witness some humanity and be glad I stuck around. You know, no amount of recognition for this or money will fill that void in your soul. Even if you sold it to Satan you'll feel it always.
(Editor's Note: Infantile? I guess you know some really talented, hilarious infants. I'm constantly amazed that the world is filled with assholes like you. Who, even as adults, don't understand that humor is subjective. People that cheat on their wives and beat their kids, but think they're morally superior to me because they laugh at Marmaduke and Jeff Foxworthy instead of something with a little edge.
I don't think you're waiting to find some humanity; I think you just wanted to see your hatemail make it into the newsletter. Well congratulations, you made it. Now you can spend less time worrying about this, and more time masturbating to WW II footage on the History Channel while your wife sits in the next room weeping, and thinking about the day she wrecked her life by saying, "I do".
By the way, who the fuck responds to a hatemail response? It's bad enough people complain about shirts, but to send hatemail about a response to a hatemail? Wow, that's powerfully stupid. When someone shushes someone in a movie theater do you shush the shusher? Like most people who have been institutionalized, you clearly have way too much free time on your hands.
Please find a new hobby. Preferably something like poison tasting, bullet catching, or contracting AIDS from brutal gang rape.)
----- Original Message -----
From: Ellen P.
Sent: Thursday, January 19, 2006 2:28 PM
Subject: suicide gift wrap
Your tee shirts are ok, in fact some of them are quite funny in a sick sort of way - however, your suicide gift wrap crosses the line from sick/funny to sick period. I am a nurse, working in the ER, and am known for having a twisted sense of humor. Your suicide gift wrap is not in the least bit funny. I really think you should stop selling that particular item.
Thank you for your consideration.
(Editor's Note: First of all, you didn't need to thank us for our
consideration: we haven't given you any. Second, I'd like to thank you for being one of the few people to complain about something other than the soldier shirt. Maybe you didn't see it, and that's the reason you're not writing about it. You should check it out. It's really funny. But concerning your complaint: I think I know the reason you're so upset by our suicide wrap. Working in the ER, you probably see a lot of people who commit suicide. And clearly, you are attracted to them. You can't see them without thinking about wiping the blood off of their wrists and rubbing it on your chubby clit. Or maybe you'd just like to finger the hole in the back of their heads while you shove their lifeless hands into your asshole. And you have the nerve to call US sick? You need to seek professional help you sad, twisted freak! )
[Until Next Time]
"Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Just bend over and grab your ankles, Mom."