BUY SHIRTS
 


02/01/05

The other day I got really excited when I heard Johnny Carson had
passed. My overwhelming feelings of joy were for naught though.
When I threw my fist in the air, and screamed "Enjoy your time in hell,
you Total Request Loser!", the 14 year old boy who I lured into my
hotel room proclaimed, "No, you stupid bitch, that's Carson Daly,
not Johnny Carson".

Bummer. We'll get him next time.

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New Shirts, Styles and Some Old Favorites return
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We have 8 new shirts this week including 3 just for the ladies! We are also
offering our retro ringer shirt in 4 new colors. Plus, we have brought 2
shirts out of retirement. So sell your sperm, your organs, or rob your
neighbors, but do what you have to do to get some money together and buy
these shirts.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt425.htm

If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste it
into your browser.

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Black People Hate Us
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Last week somebody in the black community finally noticed our "Arrest Black
Babies Before They Become Criminals" t-shirt
(http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=332)
and they started an email campaign. Somehow, they got it in their heads that
Mr. Cohen, who's in our PR department, is the owner of the company and they
started been calling him. PR stands for Public Relations, not Puerto
Ricans. It wouldn't make sense to have a Jew in our Puerto Rican
department, although we do have a Puerto Rican in Accounting so we're all
screwed up.

So, they've been sending us tons of emails, as well as a good amount of
traffic and sales! I created a page where I'll be posting the best emails,
but they all sort of break down into the following categories:

1. Black Babies are not criminals!

(Yeah, these are the dumbest of the dumb. The shirt clearly says arrest
black babies BEFORE they become criminals. Obviously they didn't even
bother to look at the shirt or come to our site.)

2. Only a terrible person would believe and perpetuate stereotypes you
dirty, money grubbing Jews! or another classic

I'm black, and blacks are not criminals. If I find you I'm going to assault
you, kill you, burn down your business, or commit some other criminal act.

(I know. I suppose they could be trying to be ironic, but I kind of doubt
it.)

3. Why don't you have a shirt about arresting white babies?

(OK, so I'll admit it. We threw this one together, based on valuable input
from irate members of the black community.

http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=419

It really pissed them off when we replied, and linked to it.
But if you have a better idea for an anti-white shirt believe me we'd love
to hear it. Submit it here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/ideasregular.htm

4. We will pray for you / you should only sell positive t-shirts.

These are obviously from nice black people, like Al Roker.
We send them viruses. We also send them obscenity laden
replies, and links to hardcore pornography.

5. I'm black, someone forwarded me information on your site,
and I'm laughing my ass off.

Me too, brother. Me too.

Here's a page with some of the best emails on it.

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/hatemailbb.htm

We were going to include the addresses, but we didn't want to touch off a
race war. We just want you to laugh like we did. We're laughing all of the
way to the bank. And we're laughing all of the way back, too.
For some reason banks make me giggle. Probably because I'm so rich that
when I go to the bank the bank president has to do whatever I say. Last
week I shoved 6 rolls of quarters up his ass and then I made him squat on
the counter and make change.

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What's Hate Got To Do With It ?
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----- Original Message -----
From: Rolf K.
Sent: Thursday, January 06, 2005 7:43 PM
Subject: zunami shirt

das ist geschmacklos, menschenverachtend und ignorant. mit dem elend der
betroffenenen so umzugehen um geld zu machen, das ist der gipfel. ihr
solltet euch schämen. das ist kein thema um business zu machen. das ist
unterstes niveau. möge euch der blitz beim scheiÃYen treffen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Editor's Note: I hope no one is offended by this letter. Personally I
have no fucking idea what it says. I think it is hatemail, or possibly a
recipe for sauerkraut. And you just know this guy is in his full Nazi
regalia, writing by his desk lamp. The one with the shade made out of
a Jew. I know you're cursing at me Rolf and someone should wash your mouth
out with soap, but not the soap made out of Jews that you normally use that
makes your skin so kissably soft. Fucking Nazis. )

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----- Original Message -----
From: linda
Sent: Wednesday, January 19, 2005 1:41 PM
Subject: Cancer T Shirt

Regarding your new T shirt " I've ate more pussy than Cervical Cancer."

It's fuckin hilarious isn't it? I mean Cancer it's self is just a fuckin
riot !!

You see I know from personal experience what it's like to go through all
that. Ya man !! I lost my 15 yr. old son to Cancer in 2001. I held him in
my arms as he took his last breath and had to say good bye to him. Oh ya,
Cancer is just a fuckin riot !! You heartless son of a bitches !!!

Why don't you print up some T shirts with pictures of the Cancer kids at
St. Jude's and make fun of them too while your at it. You are totally wrong
in selling your Cancer T shirt.

I Thought you guys were a pretty funny and cool site until I got this months
news letter and saw the new T shirts.

(Editor's Note: I find it hard to believe you lost your son to cervical
cancer, what with him not having a cervix and all. Once again we are
confronted with the classic double standard that everything not having to do
with you is funny, anything that does have to with you is not. The midgets,
the Native Americans, the lesbians...only the autistic kids aren't
complaining. Are autistic kids the last people with a sense of humor?)

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----- Original Message -----
From: <NEWC*** @ ***.com>
Sent: Thursday, January 20, 2005 9:02 AM
Subject: autism shirt

http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=413

You people are the most insensitive assholes on earth. I cant believe you
are exposing a terrible, lifelong disability for your own profit. Not only
am I sending a link of this piece of garbage to the better business buero,
the National Autism Society as well as MANY other activists. We as parents
of these children WILL NOT TOLERATE this cruelty. Did you know that 1 out
of every 166 kids are autistic? Look around your office.....you never know
if one of your staff members or their children will be effected by this
mysterious disorder. I would never wish what I go through every day on ANY
other parent.

(Editor's Note: Now the parents of the autistic kids, that's a different
story. I don't know if any of the other staff members are autistic, but
most of them are at least a little retarded. Like the one who proofreads
the neswletter. These people should be happy that they have autistic kids.
Regular kids suck. They use drugs and get pregnant and want money for
college. Then they go to college and use more drugs and get pregnant,
again. But autistic kids? They rock! )

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----- Original Message -----
From: Glowstix*** @ aol.com
Sent: Sunday, January 23, 2005 5:00 PM
Subject: you ppl must have some balls

U ppl are just f**king sick....ur shirts say somethings that are just
uncalled for! What you said about Chris Reeves was VERY much UNCALLED FOR!!!
I hope someone SUES the hell outta you guys for saying sh*t like that. I''m
not even close to being religious but ur shirts that even mention Jesus in
them are horrible. U MAKE ME SICK....I'll make sure no one I know ever
orders anything from UR web site.

(Editor's Note: We have experienced a dramatic drop in sales since
Glowstix made this threat. (Um...yeah) Glowstix is clearly a moron with
no friends. Probably autistic, probably riddled with cancer. This is the
guy who should be a quadriplegic so we wouldn't have to listen to his shit.
Quadriplegics think before they write stupid pointless shit like this
because they have to type everything with their noses. Go fuck yourself
Glowstix.)

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Road Rage Cards
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Don't forget about our twisted sister site that sells Road Rage Cards. They
were featured in FHM this month, although I hope none of you bought that
piece of crap. But you should be buying Road Rage Cards because
better tasting than a delicious ass sundae with ass cream on top.

http://www.roadrage.com/

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Oscar nominations were just announced and I am going to go out on a limb and
make the following predictions: the show will be long, boring and very,
very gay.

I cum in peace in your mouth