After winning the Super Bowl, Eli Manning is headed to Disney World! Meanwhile, Tom Brady is heading home to fuck Gisele Bundchen in the ass. Ha ha what a fucking loser!
In case the snippets of information about Harriet Tubman and George Washington Carver randomly inserted in between videos about big asses on BET didn't clue you in, this is Black History Month. And let us not forget that this is a leap year. That means one extra day of "Huh...I didn't know a black guy invented the traffic light." And be sure to hug a black person this month. It doesn't matter which one. We're like twins. When something happens to one of us, we all feel it. Whoa...I feel stoned and shot.
President Bush delivered his final State of the Union address last week. My favorite part was when he whipped his dick out and slapped Nancy Pelosi in the face with it. But seriously, I'm glad to know our economy and the war are both going great. "I will orgasm every time I touch my nose." Damn, that didn't work at all. After that speech I figured just saying a thing made it true.
My favorite thing about this stimulus package is that the government can magically create billions of dollars. It isn't taken from any other sources. It just materializes as it is needed. I don't know why we don't do that shit all day every day. Now if we could just figure out how to produce more health care/soldier trees.
With only nine months to go until the election in November, several candidates have dropped out of the race, leaving only a few serious contenders. People have been pestering me for weeks to find out who I'm endorsing, and I'm finally ready to make it official. For the longest time I was leaning toward "Who gives a shit?", but after extensive research I've decided to back "Who gives a fuck?" Rock the vote, kids! And make sure your parents vote against their interests!
Okay, you've been writing old Woody Allen jokes on your chest and walking around shirtless long enough. We've got some hilarious new shirts for you. We've got a shirt for anyone who thinks romance is dead - in a good way, and a shirt just for all you sexy ladies out there. By sexy we mean any ladies who aren't fat. If that's not for you, we've also got a shirt for anyone whose patriotism has just one condition.
We've also added a couple of new baby shirts. Because you've been covering your baby in frosting and calling it clothes for far too long.
All of our new shirts are here:
Just as we continue to lower our standards, we are pleased to announce new, lower shipping rates on all of our shirts.
Don't worry if you have an order in process: you are already paying the new rate. We have a new deal with our fulfillment center that cuts $2 off the price of shipping for any order you place.
So, take advantage of this great new deal, buy some shirts, and put the money you save where it will do the most good: neatly tucked in the thong of a stripper near you.
But not that one. That one, my friend, is a dude.
Valentine's Day is right around the corner and you know what that means. No, I'm not talking about lonely losers trying to convince themselves they sincerely believe this day was engineered by corporations looking to cash in on cheap sentimentality. I'm talking about a celebration of the most beautiful human experience - Love (narrowly beating out multiple orgasms and harassing the elderly).
But while I do have great affection for Valentine's Day, I also have a major problem with it. (You didn't think I was about to be positive, did you?) The flowers, the candy, the heart-shaped diaphragms...all that shit is great. But a celebration of love? What the fuck is that? We might as well have an "Everyone With Elbows Gets a Cookie" Festival. Point being, Valentine's Day is far too general.
All other major holidays stake a claim for a certain group of people. Christmas and Easter belong to Christians. Independence Day and Thanksgiving are just for Americans. Hanukkah, Yom Kippur and some other throat-clearing sounds are strictly for Jews. And we black folk get MLK Day, Kwanzaa, and Fat White Girl Appreciation Day.
It is in this respect that Valentine's Day is unique. It can be recognized by anyone and everyone who knows love (So, everyone but Germans). It doesn't single out a specific group or pit one set of beliefs against another. It simply asks you to embrace the joy you feel for those closest to you, regardless of their age, race or religion. Where's the fun in that? If I can't lord my holiday over the heads of people who are different from me, I'm not sure I want any part of it. I never even would've celebrated Christmas if it hadn't afforded me the opportunity to make Jewish kids cry.
The problem is that love, when you get right down to it, is a very abstract concept. Your idea of love may involve a lifetime of monogamy and responsibility. Whereas my idea of love might involve a tackle box full of fish hooks and lighters. It's all very vague. We may as well have a holiday that recognizes happiness or female intelligence. Knowing full well that Asians, Hispanics, quadriplegics and all the other species have different ideas of love, I have decided to present you with this list of group-specific messages for Valentine's cards. Enjoy.
Scientologists - "Happy Valentine's Day! I hope you're not 'Thetan' on me. Ha ha...MY SPIRIT IS A SOARING RHINO!"
Jews - "You control the media...and my heart. I was too cheap to buy you flowers, but fortunately love doesn't (holo)cost a thing."
Blacks - "To my special bitch: Girl, I know 3 of dem kids ain't mine, but, shit, I gotta put my dick in sumthin'. Spling splang zoozem. (We get to make up words whenever we want, right?)"
Midgets - "HA HA HA HA HA! Oh god...look at your little fingers! By the way, don't throw out this card. You might need a tent someday. Happy Valentine's, freak."
Gays - "It's no 'fairy' tale...I love to be 'queer' you! Damn it Troy, I already told you why I can't tell my parents about us!"
Ugly people - "I ruined my chances with Samantha and at this stage in my life you're the best I can do. See you in the bedroom. Just let me polish off this bottle of Jack."
Fat people - "Happy Valentine's! Don't go breakin' my heart! Or any more of my chairs. Note: Don't eat this card."
Mentally challenged - "[Picture of a helicopter] I LIKE PUPPIES! Note: Don't eat this card."
Frat boys - "Will you GHB mine? No, I didn't fuck your best friend. Don't start this shit, Tiffany! You wanna explain another black eye to your dad?"
Sorority girls - "Happy Valentine's Day...uh...what was your name? Anyway, here's the bill from the abortion. You'd really help me out if you could pay half. I understand if you can't. Luv u!"
Pets - "Happy Valentine's Day, Checkers! I'm in 'puppy' love with you! What's that? Yeah, I suppose it is sad that I buy stuff for my pet on holidays. Where's my gun?"
Military - "To my soldier of love: I'm suffering from PYSD (Post YOU Stress Disorder!) But seriously, I hope your nightmares end soon. By the way, I'm pregnant. I know you've been in Iraq 11 months. Isn't that weird?"
Alzheimer's patient - "Happy Valentine's, Grandma! No, it's your grandson Jeff. No grandma, FDR died a long time ago. What the fuck is the Jack Paar Show? Goddamnit! This is why I never visit you!"
Mexican - "To my muy especial Valentine: you have swum the gulf between us and climbed the walls which surround my heart. Now get to work on my lawn, Pepe! I'll pay you in expired food products and you'll like it! You know I'll call INS."
The President - "[Picture of a cowboy shooting at a dragon] Happy Valen- Good lord. Sir, you're trying to shave your reflection again. Note: Don't eat this card."
Black guy you're dating to piss off your dad - "You're the ebony to my ivory, the chocolate to my Caucasian, my love for you isn't sincere, but pissing off my dad is amazin'. By the way Tyrone, I'll be leaving you for a rich, white guy in a couple months to ensure my future comfort and happiness, but keep putting your hand on my knee and licking my ear during dinner. Yeah, you like that, dad? You know what else? He wants to be a rapper! What do you think of your princess now? Happy Valentine's!"
Muslim - "To a very special martyr, I couldn't love you any harder. You jihad me at hello, cuz you're a very special fellow. To you I'm only one of seventy-two, but I just wanted to say that...I love you! Death to America."
Christian - "WWJD? He'd let me put it in your butt. C'mon...what do you think he died for?"
Liberal - "Don't leave me feeling 'blue'. I'd be 'demo-crushed' if you 'left' me. Now let's bone and kill our baby."
Conservative - "Boy is my face 'red'. I 'republi-can't' believe you were 'right' all along. I LOVE YOU! Let's spend the rest of our lives together going gay-hunting and ignoring logic. If we came from monkeys, why are there still monkeys? Tell me that, science. God, I hate learning!"
Jesus - "It's time for the 'pleasure-ection'. You may be the Son of God, but how about getting started on the Grandson of God?"
Straight white people - "Greetings, significant other. Would you like to engage in sexual congress? Our missionary-style lovemaking may or may not be followed by a rousing game of 'Monopoly' or 'Uno'. Until then, I'll be thinking of you without any passion in my empty heart. Please respond by 8:00 p.m."
Your rapist - "You took my innocence by force, but I give you my heart willingly. I hope you don't get ra'pissed' off at me for asking, but will U B mine? As if I have a choice."
The blind - "[Series of raised dots]"
Dyslexic - "pHyap ltVaee'sni aDy! Now I'm going to write regularly to make you struggle. Yeah, that's right. Cry for me. God, I love this power!"
Comments (10) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: jason m
Sent: Thursday, January 31, 2008
u guys sell t's that benefit the KKK? wtf!
Editor's Note: Of course we support them. And what exactly is wrong with that? It just so happens that "Kaptain Karl's Krabs" are pretty damn tasty. Man...I really regret firing my rimshot guy yesterday.
But seriously, we do occasionally contribute to the Klan, but it has nothing to do with their political or social views (which are actually kind of quaint in this day and age). It's more about us supporting a struggling organization. Have you seen a Klan rally lately? It's so sad. There's usually two guys standing around in Iron Maiden t-shirts shouting century-old catchphrases through a bullhorn while their inbred kids stand off to the side struggling to eat unwrapped Twizzlers for that afternoon's dinner.
So to answer your question (I believe it was "wtf!"), we support the Klan because we root for the underdog. It would be easy enough to ignore them and let the remaining dozen members fade gently into that good/ignorant night, but if we can supply them with enough funds to buy some more cross-burning fuel and a twelve-pack of Natural Light, well then that's what we'll do. Keep fighting the good fight, fellas! (Would someone who can read please pass this message along to them?)
Comments (6) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: Bill L.
Sent: Thursday, January 31, 2008
Subject: your shirts
Don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of your site, your shirts, and your responses to the dumb asses that take life too seriously. I look forward to seeing your thing as many times a month as you can show it, but best of all, I like the new shirts you crank out. My only complaint is that your creativity appears to be lacking as of late.
Thisis where you are probably going to tell me I should try it some time, because it's not that easy, but I know you are gifted in some fucked up way, and hope I can give you some inspiration, so I came up with a couple of things for you to make fun of: McDonald's (number 1 because thats where my sorry ass works), Guitar Hero (since everyone seems obsessed), the current list of candidates up for election, erections in general, I mean elections in general, CSI, pretty much any over killed movie series, Jamie Kennedy, and thats pretty much the best I can do. Till the next time I see your thing, keep it real. And sarcastic.
Editor's Note: "Give me just a second. Okay...I'll take a #4 and I'd like the drink to be a Coke. And don't get any tears in it. I know you work at McDonald's, but that's no reason for you to get your sadness in mommy's drink. And remember to supersize that shit. Now take your shirt off and rub the special sauce on your nipples. Now dance. You want an extra five bucks, don't you? I SAID DANCE FOR MOMMY!"
Anyway, your point does not fall on deaf ears (Like that time I called Marlee Matlin a dirty cunt). Some of you may have noticed we are not as prolific as we once were. Allow me to explain. We are hard at work on a side project which currently demands much of our time. I don't want to give too much away, but the words "mime" and "holocaust" are involved. Between that and not giving a shit, well, there just aren't enough hours in the day.
We actually are working on a side project. We have a few more sloths to shave before it's completely ready, but I promise it will be worth the wait. Now get me my #4! Hurry the fuck up before I tell your manager you called me a nigger. Oh, and extra ketchup, please.
Comments (9) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: sheila c.
Sent: Saturday, February 2, 2008
Subject: You fucking suck
So I win two t-shirts. Big fucking deal. You don't have enough gay shirts. Yeah, you have a few. But give me something I can wear and piss off other dykes. Now THAT would be something to be proud of. Get some dykes and queers on staff, quick.
Editor's Note: A self-described dyke who goes by High Priestess? Jesus Christ. Have fun at your next poetry slam "Sheila." That is, if you can squeeze it in between the "Granola and Plaid Festival" and not shaving your armpits.
Are you seriously in need of ways to piss off dykes? Here's a brief list of things that will get the job done: Penis, groomed vagina, the Bible, guns, a female either cooking or cleaning, conservatives, rational liberals, women getting paid what they deserve, and humor.
As for us getting some dykes and queers on staff...You're fucking with me, right? If we hired any more homosexuals we'd have to rename ourselves "France." The lesbians are in charge of tongue-cleaning my orifices, and the gays are in charge of trying to catch the darts I throw at them.
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From: superbeth*** @ ***.com
Sent: Sunday, February 3, 2008
I don't mind the offensive nature of your shirts (however ignorant and juvenile they may be), but I was bothered by the "Who gives a sh*t? '08" shirt. This country is apathetic enough without opportunistic a-holes such as yourselves encouraging it. We need to get this generation involved in the process. We don't need to give them another chance to trivialise the democratic process.
Editor's Note: Is there an election in 2008? That's a lucky coincidence. We designed that shirt with a sort of general apathy in mind, but the fact that this is an election year makes it work on two levels. Which is two more levels than most Mexicans.
Your email is actually a perfect example of the appeal of apathy. Just imagine if you didn't give a shit about people who don't give a shit. If that were the case, seeing this shirt would've been like water off a special needs kid's back. And instead of writing this email you could've gotten right back to doing whatever it is that you do. I'm guessing that trying to fit a square-shaped block into a series of different shaped holes is somehow involved.
But at least your email served one purpose. I learned that "Beth" can also mean "retarded." Thanks for that. Cunt you next Tuesday.
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[Sincerely, My Vagina]
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Set a monkey on fire and they'll keep laughing with you.