It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing


After winning the Super Bowl, Eli Manning is headed to Disney World!  Meanwhile, Tom Brady is heading home to fuck Gisele Bundchen in the ass.  Ha ha what a fucking loser!

In case the snippets of information about Harriet Tubman and George Washington Carver randomly inserted in between videos about big asses on BET didn't clue you in, this is Black History Month. And let us not forget that this is a leap year. That means one extra day of "Huh...I didn't know a black guy invented the traffic light." And be sure to hug a black person this month. It doesn't matter which one. We're like twins. When something happens to one of us, we all feel it. Whoa...I feel stoned and shot.

President Bush delivered his final State of the Union address last week. My favorite part was when he whipped his dick out and slapped Nancy Pelosi in the face with it. But seriously, I'm glad to know our economy and the war are both going great. "I will orgasm every time I touch my nose." Damn, that didn't work at all. After that speech I figured just saying a thing made it true.

My favorite thing about this stimulus package is that the government can magically create billions of dollars. It isn't taken from any other sources. It just materializes as it is needed. I don't know why we don't do that shit all day every day. Now if we could just figure out how to produce more health care/soldier trees.

With only nine months to go until the election in November, several candidates have dropped out of the race, leaving only a few serious contenders. People have been pestering me for weeks to find out who I'm endorsing, and I'm finally ready to make it official. For the longest time I was leaning toward "Who gives a shit?", but after extensive research I've decided to back "Who gives a fuck?" Rock the vote, kids! And make sure your parents vote against their interests!

penis vagina


Okay, you've been writing old Woody Allen jokes on your chest and walking around shirtless long enough. We've got some hilarious new shirts for you. We've got a shirt for anyone who thinks romance is dead - in a good way, and a shirt just for all you sexy ladies out there. By sexy we mean any ladies who aren't fat. If that's not for you, we've also got a shirt for anyone whose patriotism has just one condition.

We've also added a couple of new baby shirts. Because you've been covering your baby in frosting and calling it clothes for far too long.

All of our new shirts are here:

long division


Just as we continue to lower our standards, we are pleased to announce new, lower shipping rates on all of our shirts

Don't worry if you have an order in process:  you are already paying the new rate.  We have a new deal with our fulfillment center that cuts $2 off the price of shipping for any order you place. 

So, take advantage of this great new deal, buy some shirts, and put the money you save where it will do the most good:  neatly tucked in the thong of a stripper near you.

But not that one. That one, my friend, is a dude.

long division


andyValentine's Day is right around the corner and you know what that means. No, I'm not talking about lonely losers trying to convince themselves they sincerely believe this day was engineered by corporations looking to cash in on cheap sentimentality. I'm talking about a celebration of the most beautiful human experience - Love (narrowly beating out multiple orgasms and harassing the elderly).

But while I do have great affection for Valentine's Day, I also have a major problem with it. (You didn't think I was about to be positive, did you?) The flowers, the candy, the heart-shaped diaphragms...all that shit is great. But a celebration of love? What the fuck is that? We might as well have an "Everyone With Elbows Gets a Cookie" Festival. Point being, Valentine's Day is far too general.

All other major holidays stake a claim for a certain group of people. Christmas and Easter belong to Christians. Independence Day and Thanksgiving are just for Americans. Hanukkah, Yom Kippur and some other throat-clearing sounds are strictly for Jews. And we black folk get MLK Day, Kwanzaa, and Fat White Girl Appreciation

It is in this respect that Valentine's Day is unique. It can be recognized by anyone and everyone who knows love (So, everyone but Germans). It doesn't single out a specific group or pit one set of beliefs against another. It simply asks you to embrace the joy you feel for those closest to you, regardless of their age, race or religion. Where's the fun in that? If I can't lord my holiday over the heads of people who are different from me, I'm not sure I want any part of it. I never even would've celebrated Christmas if it hadn't afforded me the opportunity to make Jewish kids cry.

The problem is that love, when you get right down to it, is a very abstract concept. Your idea of love may involve a lifetime of monogamy and responsibility. Whereas my idea of love might involve a tackle box full of fish hooks and lighters. It's all very vague. We may as well have a holiday that recognizes happiness or female intelligence. Knowing full well that Asians, Hispanics, quadriplegics and all the other species have different ideas of love, I have decided to present you with this list of group-specific messages for Valentine's cards. Enjoy.

Scientologists - "Happy Valentine's Day! I hope you're not 'Thetan' on me. Ha ha...MY SPIRIT IS A SOARING RHINO!"

andyJews - "You control the media...and my heart. I was too cheap to buy you flowers, but fortunately love doesn't (holo)cost a thing."

Blacks - "To my special bitch: Girl, I know 3 of dem kids ain't mine, but, shit, I gotta put my dick in sumthin'. Spling splang zoozem. (We get to make up words whenever we want, right?)"

Midgets - "HA HA HA HA HA! Oh god...look at your little fingers! By the way, don't throw out this card. You might need a tent someday. Happy Valentine's, freak."

Gays - "It's no 'fairy' tale...I love to be 'queer' you! Damn it Troy, I already told you why I can't tell my parents about us!"

Ugly people - "I ruined my chances with Samantha and at this stage in my life you're the best I can do. See you in the bedroom. Just let me polish off this bottle of Jack."

Fat people - "Happy Valentine's! Don't go breakin' my heart! Or any more of my chairs. Note: Don't eat this card."

Mentally challenged - "[Picture of a helicopter] I LIKE PUPPIES! Note: Don't eat this card."

Frat boys - "Will you GHB mine? No, I didn't fuck your best friend. Don't start this shit, Tiffany! You wanna explain another black eye to your dad?"gay

Sorority girls - "Happy Valentine's Day...uh...what was your name? Anyway, here's the bill from the abortion. You'd really help me out if you could pay half. I understand if you can't. Luv u!"

Pets - "Happy Valentine's Day, Checkers! I'm in 'puppy' love with you! What's that? Yeah, I suppose it is sad that I buy stuff for my pet on holidays. Where's my gun?"

Military - "To my soldier of love: I'm suffering from PYSD (Post YOU Stress Disorder!) But seriously, I hope your nightmares end soon. By the way, I'm pregnant. I know you've been in Iraq 11 months. Isn't that weird?"

Alzheimer's patient - "Happy Valentine's, Grandma! No, it's your grandson Jeff. No grandma, FDR died a long time ago. What the fuck is the Jack Paar Show? Goddamnit! This is why I never visit you!"

Mexican - "To my muy especial Valentine: you have swum the gulf between us and climbed the walls which surround my heart. Now get to work on my lawn, Pepe! I'll pay you in expired food products and you'll like it! You know I'll call INS."

The President - "[Picture of a cowboy shooting at a dragon] Happy Valen- Good lord. Sir, you're trying to shave your reflection again. Note: Don't eat this card."

andyBlack guy you're dating to piss off your dad - "You're the ebony to my ivory, the chocolate to my Caucasian, my love for you isn't sincere, but pissing off my dad is amazin'. By the way Tyrone, I'll be leaving you for a rich, white guy in a couple months to ensure my future comfort and happiness, but keep putting your hand on my knee and licking my ear during dinner. Yeah, you like that, dad? You know what else? He wants to be a rapper! What do you think of your princess now? Happy Valentine's!"

Muslim - "To a very special martyr, I couldn't love you any harder. You jihad me at hello, cuz you're a very special fellow. To you I'm only one of seventy-two, but I just wanted to say that...I love you! Death to America."

Christian - "WWJD? He'd let me put it in your butt. C'mon...what do you think he died for?"

Liberal - "Don't leave me feeling 'blue'. I'd be 'demo-crushed' if you 'left' me. Now let's bone and kill our baby."

Conservative - "Boy is my face 'red'. I 'republi-can't' believe you were 'right' all along. I LOVE YOU! Let's spend the rest of our lives together going gay-hunting and ignoring logic. If we came from monkeys, why are there still monkeys? Tell me that, science. God, I hate learning!"

Jesus - "It's time for the 'pleasure-ection'. You may be the Son of God, but how about getting started on the Grandson of God?"gay

Straight white people - "Greetings, significant other. Would you like to engage in sexual congress? Our missionary-style lovemaking may or may not be followed by a rousing game of 'Monopoly' or 'Uno'. Until then, I'll be thinking of you without any passion in my empty heart. Please respond by 8:00 p.m."

Your rapist - "You took my innocence by force, but I give you my heart willingly. I hope you don't get ra'pissed' off at me for asking, but will U B mine? As if I have a choice."

The blind - "[Series of raised dots]"

Dyslexic - "pHyap ltVaee'sni aDy! Now I'm going to write regularly to make you struggle. Yeah, that's right. Cry for me. God, I love this power!"

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