Football history was made this past Sunday as the Bears faced the Colts in Super Bowl XLI. And I'm not talking about the fact that the Super Bowl teams were led by black head coaches for the first time ever. I was referring to the fact that for the first time in Super Bowl history, it actually made sense when my stepfather shouted "That coach needs to go back to Africa!" right before throwing a beer bottle at the screen.
And who could forget those Super Bowl ads? My favorite ad was the one where Osama bin Laden eats a baby and wipes his ass with the Bible as he burns the American flag. It kind of makes you wonder what the people at Doritos were thinking.
In non-Super Bowl news, Microsoft finally released the highly-anticipated Windows Vista. Not to ruin the surprise, but I've heard that it includes a calculator. Also, Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro was recently put down. But don't weep for him. He's getting euthanized by angels now.
Lastly, don't forget that Valentine's Day is almost here. So to all you guys out there, be sure and remember to go buy some random piece of heart-shaped crap for $20 to reward the special lady in your life who never told you she stopped taking the pill.
Come one, come all, and marvel at our latest batch of new shirts! Your jaw will drop at the sight of the shirt that offends Jews. You'll question the existence of God after laying eyes upon a shirt that makes light of pedophilia.
We've also added shirts for liars, religious alcoholics, people that pose a threat to pregnant women, and anyone that would've made the most sensible choice on Gilligan's Island. Check out all those and many more.
All of our new shirts are here:
Hounddog, a movie starring Dakota Fanning which depicts the brutal rape of a 12-year-old girl, recently debuted at the Sundance Film Festival and, as you can imagine, has caused quite a bit of controversy. Having seen this movie several times in a darkened theater with a vibrator and jar of Vaseline, I feel that it's my duty to give you a detailed review of the film and separate the controversy from the film itself.
Let me begin by saying that 'Hounddog' is the funniest movie I have seen since 'The Accused.' Dakota Fanning is much younger than Jodie Foster was at the time she made 'The Accused,' so right out of the gate you know the laughs are going to be stronger. But even aside from that, 'Hounddog' is a really solid movie. It's much better than all those movies that Shirley Temple got raped in.
And, of course, I can't review the movie without reviewing Fanning's performance. If I can't say anything else about this role, I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that rape has never been this cute. And, not to sound arrogant, but I think I really influenced her work here. We did a similar scene together in a movie I like to call 'Real Life.' We practiced that scene in an alley behind a Denny's for hours and hours. Since I don't have a penis I had to use an empty wine bottle that happened to be lying around, but Dakota didn't let that break the reality of the moment. She's a really dedicated actress. Even as she was shouting "Help!" and "Stop!" she wouldn't break character.
But let's get back to the controversy for a moment. My least favorite part of all this furor is that it's a big deal JUST NOW. I mean, I got raped in the movies my dad and I used to make together all the time, but I never got half the press that Dakota Fanning is getting. I'd like to add that if Dakota Fanning gets any awards for this film, I deserve the fucking lifetime achievement award. And if I do win, I'd just like to thank my father, two of my uncles, and seven guys from the Hollywood Foreign Press. It also reminds me that my friend Steve should have at least been nominated for an Emmy for his performance on Dateline's "To Catch a Predator."
And those aren't the only examples. Nobody seemed to care when E.T. raped Drew Barrymore. Where was the controversy then? They probably kept it hush-hush just because E.T. was a Scientologist.
Another problem I have with all of this is that no one is mentioning all the good that can come of this movie. And I'm not talking about raising public awareness of abuse or any of that other bullshit. I'm talking about the fact that since Dakota Fanning portrays a female that gets raped as a child, it'll make her transition to stripping that much easier when her acting career dries up.
And finally, I can't believe no one has mentioned the one element of the movie that will really lead to violence. I'm talking of course about the Elvis soundtrack. When I hear Elvis music it makes me want to shove an icepick through my eardrum. I can't tell you how hard it was to cover my ears and masturbate at the same time. But all in all, I would say that 'Hounddog' deserves two thumbs up...and forced inside Abigail Breslin.
Comments (40) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: Cil*** @ ***.com
Sent: Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Subject: BABY TSHIRTS
I received and email with these shirts on babies...I think they are totally disqusting and offensive. You are right on with the name of your company!!! How ridiculous to put a shirt with saying like that on a sweet innocent baby..
Editor's Note: I'll respond to this in a moment, but I'd like to clear the air about something first. People occasionally email us and ask why I don't make fun of grammatical mistakes more often. There is a simple explanation. It's just too easy to pick on grammatical errors. On top of that, it also doesn't warrant much mockery. I do point them out from time to time, but how often can you point out a misspelled word before you're beating a dead horse to a bloody pulp?
So someone's finger slips and hits s instead of w. Who fucking cares? Mocking someone's ignorant mindset is not only funnier than pointing out mistakes in grammar, it is also more meaningful. Picking apart this person's grammar is like observing the Bush presidency and mocking him for saying "nucular." It's cheap, easy and, most important, not funny.
Having said that, did you notice that this person spelled 'and' instead of 'an' and spelled disgusting with a q? What a jackass! That's much more pathetic than someone wasting their life away complaining about what shirts other people choose to put on their babies. What's the matter, buddy? Can't tell the difference between a g and a q? Haven't you ever heard of spell check or a backspace key? LOSER! For simply typing in the incorrect letter you should rot in Hell for all eternity and be nose-raped by a baboon while Satan pisses acid in your eyes.
And thus concludes my lesson about typos.
Comments (26) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: Nabeel G.
Sent: Monday, January 22, 2007
I would truly appreciate it, if you could remove some of your offencive logos on this site. I my self happening to be a practicing Christian, and i have come upon your site and feel ashamed to see people like your self. if you co-operate i will contact the arch Bishop of Canterbury and inform him to hold a religous meeting regarding the issues concerning this.
you son of a dog
Editor's Note: Son of a dog? Are you the bad guy in a movie from 1932 about Sinbad the Sailor? At least you didn't call me a sniveling cur. That I would not stand for sir. Anyway, I respect your right to happening to be a practicing Christian, I just wish you wouldn't happening to be a practicing dumbfuck in the process.
Regardless, I'd like to comply with your request to remove some of our offensive shirts, but I need you to be a little more specific. Shirts about rape and racism are the standard tees that initiate complaints, but you might be offended by something else. I assume you would be more offended by shirts about religion, retards, and religious retards, but I can't be sure until you send me a list of shirts you find offensive.
So just do that and I'll be sure and remove them immediately. Lord knows I don't want to incur the wrath of the Archbishop of Canterbury. I've been on thin ice with that guy ever since I tied him down and paid a family of gypsies to anally rape him with a bunch of rusty railroad spikes.
Comments (60) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: KEVIN H.
Sent: Thursday, February 1, 2007
I thought I should tell u the disgrace you put on the reputation of the american people. "if jesus comes back we'll kill him again" in a childs size??? that's wrong and your feeding into communties as laughter and jokes. this company is embarassing and wrong. just let up a little
Editor's Note: I'm sorry that we're feeding laughter and jokes into communities. I considered feeding dumb and bitch into communities, but...well, you know.
And, just so you know, the fact that I'm a disgrace to the reputation of the American people is a point of pride with me. We are widely perceived as obese, greedy, over-indulgent warmongers, so to disgrace that reputation makes me feel all warm and moist inside.
And you should be thankful that children wear our shirts. If they didn't get the shirt they'd just go out and get a tattoo that says the same thing. And concerning this specific shirt, I was going to kill Jesus the second he arrived from Heaven, but thanks to your email, I'm going to wait until he kills your kids before I do it.
Comments (33) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: Kristy K.
Sent: Friday, February 2, 2007
To whom it may concern,
I'm all for freedom of speech and screw whoever I offend, but is the tshirt "I swear I didn't know she was 3" and other pedolphilic phrases really necessary? Do people really buy those? Wait, I'm sure they do. I just think it is gross. I normally think your stuff is funny, but those just hit me the wrong way.
Editor's Note: You goddamn cunt. If I ever see you in public I'm going to run barbed wire between your legs like it's a towel until your genital region is nothing more than a bloody mash of lady-parts.
I'm sorry. I said that to my mom last night and I thought it seemed appropriate to say it here. Regarding your questions, the answer is yes on both counts. These shirts are necessary and people do really buy them.
People seem to think that our shirts create pedophiles and rapists. These people already exist. We just give them something funny to wear. It is law enforcement's job to arrest criminals. It's our job to let them, and the rest of us, laugh at their atrocities until that fateful day when they are arrested.
And aside from lightening up an otherwise tense situation, these shirts also reward the craftier and more effective sex criminals. If you sodomize one toddler or rape one woman and get thrown in jail, fuck you. You don't deserve our shirts. But if someone can molest child after child and violate woman after woman, don't they deserve some kind reward? I think so. And so does a fella by the name of Uncle Sam. God bless America.
Comments (51) - View Comments - Add A Comment
If This Was Spanish, It'd Be 'The Endo' ... And It Would Smell Funny
You can't have your cake and eat it too. Unless you don't care what the cake looks like and you have bulimia.