The Early February Thing

da bearsFootball history was made this past Sunday as the Bears faced the Colts in Super Bowl XLI. And I'm not talking about the fact that the Super Bowl teams were led by black head coaches for the first time ever. I was referring to the fact that for the first time in Super Bowl history, it actually made sense when my stepfather shouted "That coach needs to go back to Africa!" right before throwing a beer bottle at the screen.

And who could forget those Super Bowl ads? My favorite ad was the one where Osama bin Laden eats a baby and wipes his ass with the Bible as he burns the American flag. It kind of makes you wonder what the people at Doritos were thinking.

In non-Super Bowl news, Microsoft finally released the highly-anticipated Windows Vista. Not to ruin the surprise, but I've heard that it includes a calculator. Also, Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro was recently put down. But don't weep for him. He's getting euthanized by angels now.

Lastly, don't forget that Valentine's Day is almost here. So to all you guys out there, be sure and remember to go buy some random piece of heart-shaped crap for $20 to reward the special lady in your life who never told you she stopped taking the pill.


New Shirts

Come one, come all, and marvel at our latest batch of new shirts! Your jaw will drop at the sight of the shirt that offends Jews. You'll question the existence of God after laying eyes upon a shirt that makes light of pedophilia.

We've also added shirts for liars, religious alcoholics, people that pose a threat to pregnant women, and anyone that would've made the most sensible choice on Gilligan's Island. Check out all those and many more.

All of our new shirts are here:


it's still funnier than an adam sandler movie

Hounddog, a movie starring Dakota Fanning which depicts the brutal rape of a 12-year-old girl, recently debuted at the Sundance Film Festival and, as you can imagine, has caused quite a bit of controversy. Having seen this movie several times in a darkened theater with a vibrator and jar of Vaseline, I feel that it's my duty to give you a detailed review of the film and separate the controversy from the film itself.

hounddogLet me begin by saying that 'Hounddog' is the funniest movie I have seen since 'The Accused.' Dakota Fanning is much younger than Jodie Foster was at the time she made 'The Accused,' so right out of the gate you know the laughs are going to be stronger. But even aside from that, 'Hounddog' is a really solid movie. It's much better than all those movies that Shirley Temple got raped in.

And, of course, I can't review the movie without reviewing Fanning's performance. If I can't say anything else about this role, I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that rape has never been this cute. And, not to sound arrogant, but I think I really influenced her work here. We did a similar scene together in a movie I like to call 'Real Life.' We practiced that scene in an alley behind a Denny's for hours and hours. Since I don't have a penis I had to use an empty wine bottle that happened to be lying around, but Dakota didn't let that break the reality of the moment. She's a really dedicated actress. Even as she was shouting "Help!" and "Stop!" she wouldn't break character.

But let's get back to the controversy for a moment. My least favorite part of all this furor is that it's a big deal JUST NOW. I mean, I got raped in the movies my dad and I used to make together all the time, but I never got half the press that Dakota Fanning is getting. I'd like to add that if Dakota Fanning gets any awards for this film, I deserve the fucking lifetime achievement award. And if I do win, I'd just like to thank my father, two of my uncles, and seven guys from the Hollywood Foreign Press. It also reminds me that my friend Steve should have at least been nominated for an Emmy for his performance on Dateline's "To Catch a Predator."

phone homeAnd those aren't the only examples. Nobody seemed to care when E.T. raped Drew Barrymore. Where was the controversy then? They probably kept it hush-hush just because E.T. was a Scientologist.

Another problem I have with all of this is that no one is mentioning all the good that can come of this movie. And I'm not talking about raising public awareness of abuse or any of that other bullshit. I'm talking about the fact that since Dakota Fanning portrays a female that gets raped as a child, it'll make her transition to stripping that much easier when her acting career dries up.

And finally, I can't believe no one has mentioned the one element of the movie that will really lead to violence. I'm talking of course about the Elvis soundtrack. When I hear Elvis music it makes me want to shove an icepick through my eardrum. I can't tell you how hard it was to cover my ears and masturbate at the same time. But all in all, I would say that 'Hounddog' deserves two thumbs up...and forced inside Abigail Breslin.

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