Although hardly news, the Muslims are rioting again. This time, it was after a Danish newspaper published a cartoon of the prophet Muhammad with a bomb shaped turban on his head. Leading Muslims reacted in horror over what they felt was the blasphemous depiction of one of Islam's most sacred symbols. The Danish newspaper has issued a formal apology, and promised to run no more cartoons depicting bombs.

[I Left My Heart in our New Shirts, Sorry About All of the Blood]

We have added 4 new designs this week and we've added 14 new colors to our already staggering selection of sizes, colors and styles. That means all of our designs are available in over 75 different style/color combinations! Our 'Age of Consent' shirt lets you know who's legal around the world, and our selection lets you do it in style. Our other shirts deal with this little Muhammad cartoon controversy.

Just imagine what we could have gotten accomplished if we didn't have to stop and machine gun the rioters outside of our plant every five minutes? I knew relocating to Mecca was going to bite me in the ass.
All of our new shirts are here:

If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste it into your browser.

[Fun with Dick and Cheney]

You have probably already heard, but over the weekend Dick Cheney shot a Texas lawyer in the face while they were out on a hunting trip. What you probably don't know, is that last night Cheney snuck into the man's hospital room and finished the job.

With his close friend Satan by his side, Cheney easily snuck past hospital security and unloaded another 24 rounds into Harry Whittington's face and body. Then he and Satan rolled around in, and lapped up, the bloody remains of the 78 year old man. After a quick game of 'Organ Fight' (which is exactly like a food fight, but with human organs), Cheney and the Devil became bored and moved on to the next room.

There, they found a 13 year old boy recovering from a car accident.
Cheney had run out of buckshot, but that didn't prevent him from going apeshit on the boy: bludgeoning him with the butt of the gun, and torturing him with hospital equipment. Cheney and Satan then invited in a couple of nurses to join them in a full on blood orgy. By 'invited' I mean he hypnotized them with his evil powers (Cheney, not Satan).

After they all had their fill of sucking, fucking, fingering the boy's wounds, and using his IV drip to spray down the nurses for a wet t-shirt contest: they decided to eat the boy. And as the night drew to a close, Cheney and the Devil slaughtered the nurses, and dumped them into the hospital's incinerator.

They rounded out the evening by disemboweling a stripper; raping a puppy; beating an old guy to death with his own colostomy bag; putting a baby in a blender to feed it to another baby; and shitting on a stack of bibles: or as the Vice President would describe it, "the usual".

Laura Bush could not attend, but it was reported that she was delighted by the pictures that Cheney e-mailed to her. You may not have heard about any of this. But that's only because the Jews control the media, and Dick Cheney controls the Jews.

[A Valen Time to Spread the Hate!]

----- Original Message -----

From: DRJAMES @ ***.com
Sent: Wednesday, February 01, 2006 10:30 AM
Subject: Re: The End of January Thing

Your reference to Mrs. Coretta Scoot King in vile and tasteless. Go FUCK OFF and remove my name from your bullshit.

(Editor's Note: Well everyone has their breaking point and it's nice to see yours is as completely arbitrary as every other self righteous drone who signed themselves up for our newsletter, presumably at gun point. I wish for all of our sakes you had just been man enough to take the bullet. If my joke about Mrs. Scoot King offended you I apologize. I just can't believe you weren't upset about the Coretta SCOTT King joke. That was much worse. And it really surprises me that you weren't bothered by our Dr. James joke. Remember? It was that joke where Dr. James gets raped by four howler monkeys, only halfway through he ends up liking it and starts sucking off two of them while the other two keep reaming his ass? Actually, it wasn't so much a joke as a link to a website where there's actual footage. It was vile; and yet oddly tasteful. In conclusion, I will honor your wishes and remove your name from our bullshit. But in return, you have to promise me you'll let me know the next time you update your website, drjameshowlermonkeyorgy. com. If you'll excuse me, I have to go dig up the corpse of Mrs. King so that I can grind my wet twat against her full red lips one last time. Oh, I'm just kidding. I actually plan to do it a lot.)

----- Original Message -----

From: Furqan M.
Sent: Thursday, February 09, 2006 9:16 AM
Subject: Stope.. if u r good persons

Dear friend
I hope u r doing good and fine...
since i am muslim .. i love my religion .. i request you to stope making this kind of shirts.. it really hurts us ..

Thank you

(Editor's Note: Dear friend, i m doing fine and good. Glad u r 2. I'm not Muslim, but I love your religion. I write comedy for a living, so how could I not love your religion? Right now there are people destroying buildings and burning flags because of a comic strip!
That's funny. The comedy practically writes itself. Now that I think about it, I hate your religion. It's made my job unnecessary. Why do they need to pay me, when there are headlines like "Cartoonist being asked to apologize because people are rioting in response to his
cartoon." See? An entire room full of writers couldn't come up with
that shit.

Anyway, we are not going to stope making these shirts for a couple reasons; not the least of which being that stope isn't a real word.
We have a right to make these shirts. I realize just because you have the right to do something doesn't mean you should, but it's certainly still a valid point. Also, we are not going to stop because we are simply not good persons. I would've thought that was obvious, but I guess maybe not to someone who thinks flag-burning and rioting is an appropriate response to funny doodles. If our shirts continue to hurt you, I suggest you try a different brand of fabric softener, or less starch. Now, go tell your sister you love her before she gets stoned to death for singing or showing her ankle.)

----- Original Message -----

From:*metalhead666 @ ***.com
Sent: Thursday, February 02, 2006 5:43 PM

hey, i just wanna say i love the sites and shirts, but i think the breastcancer thing is a little overboard. making fun of peoples races and religions is funny, but those things arent a deadly disease which affects a large part of our society. I know the shirts are all about offending people, and being funny and that shit, but i would appreciate it if that shirt was taken off the site. thanks.

---Eric S.

(Editor's Note: It's kind of hard to take a complaint about a breast cancer joke seriously when it comes from 'metalhead666'. Yeah! Throw those devil horns in the air and check for lumps every 3 months, mother fucker! Anyway, your stupidity aside (give me a moment: it's going to take a while to move all of it), let me address this seriously. I like how you basically say minorities and religious people are just supposed to bend over and take it, but people with diseases are supposed to wallow in self-pity the rest of their short, miserable lives.

The classic, "It's cool to make fun of everything... except my thing.
You leave that alone." What if I told you that I hold Corn Flakes near and dear to my heart? Then we went to your mom's trailer and heard her drunkenly spew the most racist, homophobic, blasphemous stuff and laughed our asses off. But when she got to her Corn Flakes material, I ran away weeping? You would think I was ridiculous and you'd be right.

That's what I think every time I read one of these lame complaints.
Eric, tell all of the people with diseases not to cheer up. We're going to make sure they can never laugh at their problems again. In fact, we're never going to speak to them, or make eye contact with them ever again. Why? Because we have far too much awe and respect for their diseases to ever treat them like normal people. And to think they have you to thank! All because we want to please you! Actually, fuck that. I guess we're going to keep the shirt up. Please stage dive off the nearest cliff, ideally onto a field of poisonous snakes, acid, and broken glass.)

----- Original Message -----

From: "Adeel"
Sent: Thursday, February 09, 2006 8:02 AM
Subject: please stop it!!!!!!!!!

This is offensive and uncalled for You guys should have respect for other religions. Your company should pull out all the shirts which had the picture of our Holy Prophet Muhammad (PBUH).

There is fine line between freedom of speech and offensive material. Please do not play with the sentiments of Billions of muslims around the world on the basis of freedom of speech

You probably have already seen what's happening around the world

We should be building bridges between our communities, not burning them.

I hope your compnay would take a notice of it and would immerdiately pull out all the shirts having our
Prophet(PBUH) pictures on it

Thank you


(Editor's Note: It's a deal. Sorry, I hate this automatic spell check. I meant, "It's Adeel! He wrote me an email!" We have plenty of respect for all religions. We also respect other's rights to poke fun at our religion. Just the other day someone was making fun of my religion, and did I burn down his house and stone his sister to death?
No. Well, yes, but it was unrelated. It actually happened the week before he did it.

Anyway, there is not a fine line between freedom of speech and offensive material. The reason freedom of speech exists is because whether or not something is offensive is subjective. Like, you might be offended by a joke about your cousin raping your dad. Your dad might find it hilarious (even if he didn't find the actual rape quite so amusing). Someone might think your e-mail is offensive. 'Offensive'
changes from person to person, so freedom of speech defends my right to say something that might upset you, my delicate little flower. And burning metaphorical bridges kind of pales next to burning real embassies, you know what I mean?

And if you really are serious about wanting us to pull these shirts, next time use a minimum of 12 exclamation points. I think 9 is just

[So long]

The best things in life are free. Unless you want to pee in her
mouth: that will always cost extra.