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02/15/05
Christina Aguilera got engaged on Saturday to her long time boyfriend
Jordan
Bratman. Aguilera said, "I just want my fans to know that
even though I'm
getting married, I will still continue to be a huge whore".
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Love is in the air, so love our New Shirts, New Color
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This week we have something for everyone.
If you want a shirt about anal
sex with the Virgin Mary, we've got one of those. If you want...
did I
mention we have a shirt about anal sex with the Virgin Mary? I
don't know
what else you could ask for. How about 9 other shirts including
3 new baby
shirts, and some great shirts for girls about all of the things
they love:
their boobs, comic books, PMS, the Tsunami, and tiny dicks.
All of our new shirts are here:
http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt435.htm
Also, we have added the color Brown to
our Beefy Tees. If your favorite
design is not yet available on a brown shirt, just check back
because we're
updating all of the designs as fast as we can.
If you're an AOL user, or unable to click
the link above, copy and paste it
into your browser.
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Valentine's Day Massacred
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I feel bad for you lonely losers on Valentines
Day. Personally, I have a
brightly colored tissue box stuffed full of Valentines. I'm also
in
several, meaningful relationships, as well as a few purely sexual
ones; not
to mention one fairly abusive one with the 14 year old runaway
chained
up in the basement.
OK, feel bad is probably too strong a term.
I could really care less about
you. But my job is spreading joy so that's what I'd like to do.
Valentines Day always reminds me what a
stupid place full of suckers the
world really is. I don't understand why they have a holiday dedicated
to
love. They should have a holiday dedicated to hate. Hate is so
much better
than love. Love is bullshit. Most people go their whole life without
being
loved by anyone, and without loving anyone back. But hate is just
the
opposite. Everyone is hated, and everyone has tons of people that
they
hate.
Everyone is always confused about love.
Do I love him? Is it puppy love or
true love? I love you, but I'm just not in love with you. Who
do I blame
for this? I blame Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant. I think they should
be
drawn and quartered in the town square. But then they should sew
them back
together but scramble up the parts so they would be these two
crazy
patchwork one breasted/half dicked/half pussied Julia Roberts/
Hugh Grant
creatures. That would be awesome. And while they're at it they
should hack
up Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. Just hack them up and feed
them to the
kids.
But back to the hate. Hate is so beautiful
and so pure. There's no
confusion, there's no question. Do I really hate him? Yes, you
do. Is it
puppy hate or true hate? It's true, true, deep hate. I hate you,
but I'm
not in hate with you? Oh you're in hate with me alright you stupid
mother
fucker. If ever something deserved to be celebrated, it's an International
Day of Hate.
I propose Yadsenit N'elav, the anti-Valentine's
Day. I think we should
make Nora Jones' birthday, March 30th, an international holiday
to celebrate
hate. A day dedicated to telling everyone you hate to fuck off.
On
Yadsenit N'elav you do not send people cards. Fuck you Hallmark,
you're
not getting a dime.
Do I have to teach you people how to hate?
On Yadsenit N'elav you don't
give people anything. Instead, you take something nice from the
people you
hate. It doesn't have to be expensive; perhaps you take something
of
sentimental value. Is there anything better than seeing someone
you hate
unhappy?
What about the flowers and candy you say?
Valentine's Day has flowers and
candy. Fine. Go to the yard of someone you hate and dig up all
of their
flowers. Happy? Eat a box of expensive chocolates and then stick
your
finger down your throat and Mary-Kate that chocolate right back
into the
box. Give that to somebody you hate. Pour it out in their car.
The best thing about making a holiday about
hate is it's a great way to
avoid getting in trouble for being the miserable cunt you truly
are. When
your boss, or your teacher, or the police start to give you problems,
you
just tell them, "I'm celebrating my holiday you fuckbag!
What are you the
fucking Taliban?" Nobody wants to be compared to the Taliban
and they will
let you go on your way.
So go find Cupid and shove his quiver full
of arrows up his ass. If you
can't find Cupid, any winged baby will do. Just be sure and go
out and
spread the hate. You know you have plenty to go around, so don't
be stingy
about it. I leave you with this soon to be traditional Yadsenit
N'elav
expression:
A Hate filled Yadsenit N'elav to all of
you. You all suck.
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Yadsenit N'elav Mail (See it's catching on!)
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From: S. Vyent
Sent: Wednesday, February 09, 2005 9:21 AM
Subject: why
What you mean is:
Before they become like you, someone who has no problem with selling
t-shirts that are disrespectfull to the black comunity an above
all to all
the peoples in the world that are trying to make a diffrence!
People who believe that our youth should
have a better place to live in
without people who try to put them down for there colour, believes
or
religion!
You better think!!!
(Editor's Note: I better think? Are you
going to make a 'diffrence' with
our youth you ignorant cow? Are you going to teach them to be
illiterate,
uninformed cretins like yourself? I think you spelled your own
name wrong.
Vyent? Vyent?!? No one here is putting down anyone for their 'believes'.
We
make funny t-shirts that anyone with an I.Q. over 10 could understand.
Oh
sorry, no offense. One thing I do 'believes', though; I do 'believes'
you be
a stupid, stupid twat.)
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----- Original Message -----
From: Dawn F.
Sent: Sunday, February 13, 2005 11:49 PM
Subject: A small Message
I am not even sure how to start this email.
Let me start by saying this is
thee most offensive, abrasive, racist website, no corporation
I have ever
seen. You hide behind freedom of speech but when you print and
sell shirt
with slogans such as "Arrest Black Babies Before They Become
Criminals",
"There are two people F*cking on the back of my shirt...Just
kidding,
believe in Jesus", "Nigger Lover", " I Bought
Christopher Reeve's
Wheelchair on Ebay", I'm not gay, but my ass hole is"
what are you tryin to
do?
Not only do these shirts take it over and
beyond any line I can think of
they are degrading to the people who made them. They say look
how
dumb I am I thought of things to say that everyone else is to
decent to say!
I just want to let you know that I am highly appalled by you and
everyone
affiliated with this company, and I will be doing EVERYTHING in
my
power to have you SHUT DOWN!
(Editor's Note: This sounds exactly like
one of my press releases!
Seriously, I would say all of these things but I wouldn't want
to sound like
I was bragging. And the shirt said, "Niger Lover" you
dopey bitch. It even
had an outline of the country on it. What did you think it was,
the outline
of that last piece of crack you smoked, you insipid, delusional
prune? You
go ahead and do everything in your power. Crawl out of that cardboard
box
you live in, wring the piss out of your house dress and go shout
on the
fucking street corner until the neighborhood watch comes and beats
you
unconscious, again. )
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----- Original Message -----
From: Martha M.
Sent: Thursday, February 03, 2005 9:17 PM
Subject: autistic shirt
As the grandmother and legal guardian of
autistic twin boys, I must
vigorously protest the cruel message on your autistim-related
shirt. I
gather from your website that social responsibility is not a part
of your
mission. Even so, mocking an affliction as vicious as autism transcends
parody or even dark humor, and descends into unacceptable depredation.
Surely you would not try to make money from the plight of, say,
people with
terminal cancer?
(Editor's Note: I currently have 2 t-shirts
that make fun of people with
cancer, and don't call me Shirley. Shirley is that other black
woman from,
"What's Happening" but I get that a lot. Personally,
I think I'm more of a
Hale Berry type, but as long as you don't call me Whoopie we'll
be cool.
Calling me Whoopie will get my foot in your throat. Grandmas with
twin
autistic boys should have better things to do than writing to
sarcastic
t-shirt companies. Go knit some drool guards you tired, old crone.
I'll
bet your vaginal discharge is nothing but ashes and sand. )
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----- Original Message -----
From: "jeff"
Sent: Thursday, February 10, 2005 5:12 AM
Subject: Re: Here ya go...
I am interested in the shirts when and
where can I pick them up also what
size are they?
Wendy
PS I need directions to your house I live
off of NothLake West.
Thanks,
Unfortunity underr 18!!!!!
(Editor's Note: I can't be sure, but I
like to think that Jeff is
exchanging t-shirts for underage sex; which I've done for years
and might I
say, it works like a fucking charm.)
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Michael Jackson's attorney may call basketball
star/rapist Kobe Bryant as a
witness in the Michael Jackson child molestation trial. "It's
not that we
think he has anything to add" said Jackson's attorney. "Michael's
just
looking for some pointers."
Peace, Piss, and Applesauce
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