The 50th Annual Grammy Awards took place last week, and Amy Winehouse took home an amazing five statues. When reached for comment, Winehouse stated, "I am so grateful to all of my fans. This means so much to me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to see how much crack I can get for five Grammys."
Speaking of awards, this year's Oscars will be handed out on Sunday. The glitz, the glamour, the boring movies hardly anyone will see...Thanks, Hollywood, for sucking your own dick, so we don't have to.
After three months of intense negotiations, the writer's strike which crippled Hollywood is over. Finally. Now the American Gladiators can stop relying on improvisation.
Roy Scheider, star of Jaws and Debbie Does Dallas, recently passed away at the age of 75. Although best known for his role in Jaws, he also starred in the classic films Marathon Man and The French Connection. That's why it was so sad to see him resort to making Deuce Bigalow, The Animal, and The Hot Chick just for a paycheck. He deserved better.
The Roger Clemens saga continued last week as the baseball superstar stood before Congress and declared that he has never taken steroids or HGH. After being told what steroids and HGH were, Clemens said "Oh...God yes. Is that what this is about? I did that like ten times a day." Then, in a bizarre twist, Clemens, Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi and Gary Sheffield melded together to form a giant monster that destroyed Congress.
Once viewed as the clear favorite, Hillary Clinton now trails Barack Obama in the delegate count needed to secure the Democratic nomination for the presidency. I suggest they just end all of this and make it an Obama/Clinton ticket. They could be known as Coont. Yeah, that was blatantly racist and sexist, but I work with what I'm given.
Along with our usual assortment of shirts for slackers and people seeking blowjobs, our latest batch also includes a healthy dose of politics. But don't be misled. We don't suffer from any delusions (hallucinations maybe) that we're saying anything relevant about the current political climate. We're just happy to be making juvenile jokes about pot and oral sex while using the election as a backdrop.
Also, there's a shirt calling Hillary a bitch. Because somebody had to say it. Check out our new political tees and many others below.
All of our new shirts are here:
We are more than halfway through Black History Month and at this point you've heard all the old standards at least a dozen times each. "Harriet Tubman started the Underground Railroad, Jim Crow was the first black baseball player in the majors, Danny Glover invented peanut butter, blah blah black."
African-Americans (you may know them as "rappers") are an important part of U.S. history, both culturally and politically. They richly deserve to have the shortest month of the year dedicated to honoring their contributions and accomplishments. That is why I feel this month does them a disservice. We briefly acknowledge a handful of events as if they were answers to be memorized for an upcoming quiz, rather than something to be celebrated and honored.
To read any high school textbook on the subject or see the obligatory news footage recognizing black history, you'd think the only thing a black person ever did in this country was sit at the front of a bus or get sprayed with a firehose. Not so. Those are but two of the countless (it's gotta be at least 20) contributions America has received from the black community.
So instead of clubbing you over the head with the same handful of facts you've heard every February since you can remember, here are some things about black people you may not have known. Enjoy, niggas.
#1. Despite what people believe, we've had three black presidents in this country. They just disguised themselves as white guys to get elected. Kind of like that movie where C. Thomas Howell pretends to be a black guy so he can get into Harvard, except the opposite. And a lot funnier.
#2. Black people spawn several more black people any time you get them wet. Also, you should never feed them after midnight.
#3. The classic phrase "Kill Whitey" came about when the President of Black People decided that the phrase "Knock up Whitey's wife and make him raise your coarse-haired child" wasn't catchy enough.
#4. We all know black people have extra leg muscles which account for their superior athletic ability, but did you know they also have a third kidney and an appendix that actually serves a purpose?
#5. Thurgood Marshall was our first black Supreme Court Justice. Which is why I was surprised to find out he was the fifth Justice who could dunk a basketball.
#6. The idea that black people have an affinity for fried chicken and watermelon is degrading and unfair. While it's true that they must eat these things on a daily basis, it's only because it acts as fuel for their x-ray vision and super-strength.
#7. Frederick Douglass grew up as a slave, but later in life he became an author, orator, and an integral figure in securing equality for all Americans. But as anyone who knew him could tell you, he was only truly happy when he was a slave.
#8. Civil War reenactors are legally allowed to whip any black person who makes less money than them.
#9. It is well known that black males have larger than average penises, but who among you knew their penises have more functions than the penises of any other race? Along with urination and ejaculation, black penises also emit a high-pitched sound which repels attacks from fruit bats.
#10. Jackie Robinson only grudgingly became a trailblazer in the world of baseball. The sport in which he truly wanted to break down walls was curling.
#11. George Washington Carver's creation of peanut butter was sheer serendipity. He was actually trying to invent crack.
#12. The Black Panthers went through a long list of nouns before finally settling on Panthers for their group name. That list included: Onion Farmers, Pizza Chefs, Kitties, Clog Dancers, Jew Rapers, Julie Andrews, and White People.
#13. Martin Luther King hated black people.
#14. Jackie Robinson was ultimately accepted into what had always been a white man's game, thus making it possible for other players of color to join the league, effectively shutting down the Negro Leagues. And subsequently putting nearly one hundred black men out of work.
#15. Rosa Parks could outrun most city buses on foot. She was just being a total bitch about the whole thing.
#16. Other than athletes and entertainers, there are only two black men in America with a taxable income.
#17. Blacks make up 12% of the U.S. population, but comprise 44% of our prison population. Those are disturbing numbers. Even more disturbing? 56% of U.S. prisoners are innocent.
#18. Jerry Mathers was the primary speechwriter for Malcolm X.
#19. The Jim Crow laws famously mandated "separate but equal" status for black Americans, requiring separate schooling, toilets and eating areas for whites and blacks. These laws briefly included an amendment that called for mixed-race children to be cut in half and educated in two different schools. But this law was repealed due to the black half of the child always dropping out of school. Also, both halves died.
#20. The NAACP has been irrelevant for the past 20 years. They just keep having meetings to get out of the house once in a while. Black or white, we all hate married life. Am I right, people?
#21. The Aunt Jemima character is based on an actual woman. She never used syrup, and she wasn't even much of a cook, but her blood was often used by aristocratic white men who wanted their pancakes to taste more "sassy."
#22. The now-iconic image of Tommie Smith doing the black power fist at the '68 Olympics almost didn't happen. He was trying to do the Vulcan greeting, but he couldn't get the fingers right.
#23. In a recent poll conducted by the USA Today, it was learned that rap music and crude stereotypes rank second and third in embarrassing African-Americans. Receiving 95% of the vote, the landslide victory went to Al Sharpton.
Comments (27) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: Kareem K.
Sent: Friday, February 08, 2008
Subject: Use of brackets
Hello, I'm the guy who asked about your "Fuck Cookies and Milk, Where's the Whisky Tits" shirt and I was just wondering about your use of brackets when writing the Editor's Comment underneath each of the emails. Not that it's incorrect or anything, but doesn't something so unnecessary get a bit boring after a while? You write an Editor's Comment, and surround it with brackets. Every single time. Why?
And by the way, are you really black and female? And can you really put three bowling pins into your anus?
Editor's Note: [Thanks] [for] [your] [question] [Kaz][.] [I] [can] [assure] [you] [there] [is] [a] [perfectly] [reasonable] [explanation] [for] [our] [seemingly] [unnecessary] [use] [of] [brackets] [.] [I] [can't] [get] [into] [details] [,] [but] [it] [has] [a] [lot] [to] [do] [with] [you] [being] [a] [goat]-[molester] [who] [licks] [Allah's] [snatch] [.]
My apologies if that Muslim crack didn't offend you. I just saw the name "Kareem" and assumed insulting Islam would get your curry-scented blood boiling, since I can safely assume you aren't the king of the skyhook.
To answer your question, yes, it does get a bit boring repeatedly carrying out an unnecessary, mundane task. Thankfully I am in the fortunate position of being able to pay knife-wielding hoboes to fight for my enjoyment during the .25 seconds it takes for me to include brackets in my comments.
To answer your other question, yes, for the thousandth time, I am black (don't hold it against me) and female (put it in me). The "three bowling pins" thing, on the other hand, is completely off base. How am I supposed to fit three bowling pins in my anus with Muhammad's face buried in it?
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From: mark P.
Sent: Monday, February 11, 2008
Dear Tshirthell staff,
this is random, but still a request. Could you please change your opening page picture, i can't stand looking at that fat creepy dude anymore, its been up there forever, and its making me want to kill myself thanks.
Editor's Note: On the list of things which should make you want to kill yourself, a picture of a fat, creepy dude on a shirt website shouldn't rank in the top 100. Seriously gude (gay dude), in a world occupied by George W. Bush, Hillary Clinton and Canadians, that picture is what's going to push you over the edge?
How about the impending environmental catastrophe? How about economic and global turmoil? How about the fact that we're alone in the universe and this is all pointless? Is that doing anything for you? Okay, here's my last try. Billy Ray Cyrus' daughter is the biggest musical act in America.
If that didn't do it I will gladly pay you a visit and pull the trigger on your behalf. But not before forcing you to clean that fat guy's taint with your tongue.
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From: James M D.
Sent: Thursday, February 14, 2008
Subject: In Reference to the "Bros before Hoes Shirt"
Hillary Clinton was way more qualified them some BLACK Illinois Senetor with the Name Barrak "OSAMA" Obama.....he's a flippin muslum terrorist!
Editor's Note: Thanks, racist version of Napoleon Dynamite. Senator Clinton appreciates your endorsement. Now if she could only get backing from "Americans for Giving AIDS to Kittens" and "Nazi Qaeda" she'd have the presidency all sewn up.
It is this kind of ignorant and simple-minded thinking that keeps America from progressing. I mean, to hate a man based on his skin color or name instead of the fact that he's a politician? What is this, the 1950's? Or even worse, present-day Texas?
Once and for all, not all Muslims are terrorists or even radicals. Don't let a handful of extremists influence your opinion of what is essentially a levelheaded and peace-loving set of religious beliefs. Let us not forget what Chapter 37 Verse 18 of the Koran tells us: "Blow some shit up indiscriminately and you get to fuck a bunch of prudes. Peace out, bitches."
I did not make that up. I could clearly read that passage in between my smeared shit.
From: steph steph
Sent: Saturday, February 16, 2008
i cant believe anyone would think up such garbage and put this clothing range on the children ... what is it teaching them no wonder society is becoming so scungy... i am shocked and horrified... i feel for the kids so much... you eveil people.... kids get abused sexually asulted and tortured and i blame the parents and you guys.... how do you sleep at night?
Editor's Note: I find it hard to believe that anyone who knows "scungy" is an actual word would have trouble spelling evil or assaulted. I'm going to assume you were trying to spell something else or you simply bashed your head against the keyboard to kickstart that pool of fluid that resides where your brain should be.
You and I are not as different as you may think. For example, you mentioned that you "feel for the kids so much." Well, remove the preposition "for" from that sentence and it describes me all over. Speaking of which, blaming me for children getting sexually assaulted is perfectly justifiable, but don't you dare blame the parents. How are parents supposed to prevent their kids from being molested after I've tied them up and shoved them in a crawlspace? You owe a certain dead couple an apology.
Anyway, I'll tell you exactly how I sleep at night. Through the aid of prescription drugs and booze. Also, on top of a pile of money and dead babies. Thanks for your question, Steph Steph. Remember - The extra "Steph" is for extra "stupid bitch."
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[P.S. - I Just Queefed]
If you can't say anything nice about dirty Jews don't say anything at all.