The Early February Thing

Hot, then fat, then rich, then dead.Forgive me if I seem a little out of sorts. I've just had a hard time dealing with the passing of a true American icon. I am speaking, of course, about Dignity. Dignity lived a long and full life, but once Anna Nicole Smith died and the entire nation stopped to mourn her passing and pick over the details of her life, it was evident that Dignity suffered a tragic death. RIP, Dignity. We'll miss you.

And let's not forget the woman (whore) herself. Goodbye, Anna. You truly lived your life like a candle in the wind. A bloated, embarrassing candle that married a rich old guy, gained a bunch of weight, lost a bunch of weight, killed its son, gave birth to a daughter that could be fathered by any white man in North America, and OD'd.

She always strived to live her life like Marilyn Monroe, but she failed in death. Because JFK had Marilyn Monroe killed, whereas Anna Nicole Smith was killed by collective human will.

But let's not mourn Anna's death. Let's celebrate her life and focus on the positive. For one thing, her death proves that it is possible to OD on pathetic and shame. And on a personal note, it has really helped my spiritual life. I mean, you stop believing in the power of prayer and then something like this happens. And I remain convinced that somewhere in the world, a retarded horse has just been born to keep the cosmic balance.

Besides, we'll always have Pamela Anderson. You know...until she dies from Hep C.


Do you like to draw? Are you a skilled artist? Here's a chance for all of you creative types to show your stuff and win $1000 in cash and other cool prizes.

Look genius, a torso!We are looking to create Torsoless Ted. He's a character who has no torso. If you don't know what a torso is you're probably too stupid to win this contest. On the other hand, you're probably so stupid that if you do win we could pay you in Monopoly money. So to clarify, your torso is the trunk of your body. Ted only has a head, arms, and everything from the waist down.

Because of this, Ted can't wear t-shirts and that makes him really, really angry.

What does Ted look like? We do have a couple of thoughts. You can feel free to ignore them, and not win. He is not a little devil or a demon. Somehow, his head and arms are connected to his waist: they aren't floating in midair. Don’t make Ted a hardcore badass, he’s more of a lovable little douchebag. That's all we have to say on the subject. Basically it's up to you. So, go draw us a picture of Ted, the pissed off little guy with no torso who can't wear t-shirts.

It's more important to have the best concept, than to be the best artist. Picasso entered our last contest and he came in third. Click here to email your entry. Attach your entry as a jpeg or gif, and keep the picture under 200 kb, and no larger than 400 x 400 px. Larger entries will not be considered. The winner will be announced on March 5th.


New Shirts

In addition to our usual array of shirts that steal the souls of African Bushmen, we've also added two shirts as a glowing tribute to the late (but not late enough) Anna Nicole Smith. That's right, two shirts. One for each part of her that had any value. Her left boob and her right vagina.

All of our new shirts are here:


it's still funnier than an adam sandler movie

We are more than halfway through Black History Month (no, seriously) and if you're anything like me, you've hardly even noticed. It seems like with each passing year, Black History Month (or BHM, as I just now started calling it) gets less and less attention. But I don't blame the White Devil or even his cousin, Black Apathy. I blame the month itself.

Cause everything you eat gots FLAVOR.Let's face it. BHM is boring. The only thing more surprising than this month being forgotten is that it got any attention in the first place. I mean, I happen to be black and I'm bored to tears by this month.

I'm here to say it doesn't have to be that way. BHM can be great if we just put a little effort into it. But it's not going to happen if we just stand by and do nothing. That's why I have some suggestions to lift this event from obscurity and raise it up to the glorious heights of Arbor Day or, with any luck, Colombus Day. So, if you'll indulge me (in the ass), I have some suggestions that will help us take this month from "Black" to "Black-tacular!"

First of all, that name has to go. I would say "Black History Month" was once suitable, but the truth is that it's always been a bad name. Few things are more off-putting than the word history. And few things are scarier or more dangerous than the word black. I propose a name that is more reflective of what the month actually represents. Some suggestions are White Guilt Month, Waste of Time Month and Empty Gesture Month.

Back off, whitey.Another thing we can do is change how long we celebrate it. Recognizing black accomplishments for an entire month probably seemed like a good idea at the time, but once it actually rolled around, I'm sure whoever decided on that regretted it. A month is too long to focus on any one thing. Especially those people. I don't think we should shorten the amount of time, just break it up. Since February represents one twelfth of the year (more or less), how about if we have Black History Day every twelve days? Or Black History Second every twelve seconds? Think about it.

A big problem with BHM is the lack of festivities and celebration. I know that's not really the point, but if you want your event to be memorable, you've got to throw some color(ed)s around. Why do you think people remember Easter? It's not because Jesus discovered electricity on that day. It's because of all the brightly colored eggs and bunnies. So I suggest some fun BHM staples. These may sound strange, but I'm sure the Christmas tree didn't sound like a stroke of genius when it was pitched.

StethomascopeMy first idea is the BHM Stethoscope. Christmas has its mistletoe, well now BHM has its stethoscope. You simply hang a stethoscope above your doorway during February, and anyone who enters your house that month gets violently sodomized. My second idea is the BHM Sausage Toss. This isn't that dissimilar from caroling, only instead of singing you just throw a bunch of sausages at strangers' homes. My final BHM festivity is the Fat Kid Roll. Every Wednesday morning in February, you simply find and kidnap the closest fat child in your neighborhood and roll him in a mixture of vanilla pudding and pickle juice.

It's about time for me to wrap this up, but I'd like to mention a few more ideas before I go.

George Washington Carver#1 - Don't just focus on history during this month. Why not have children learn about Black Algebra, Black Geography and Black English? (Note - Black English is better known as Ebonics or unintelligible.)

#2 - To make sure we avoid discussing the same old stuff repeatedly and to help us talk about a broader range of topics, the following terms may no longer be mentioned during BHM. Harriet Tubman, Underground Railroad, Rosa Parks, Frederick Douglass, Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, peanut butter, Jackie Robinson, the guy that played Urkel, and Tony Hawk.

#3 - For February only, black people get to enslave white people. But white people still get to hire Mexicans to do their work.

Don't fuck with Globetrotters.#4 - Black people get the entire month off. I think we can go that long without basketball and rap. And my doctor can make his own crack for once, damn it.

#5 - Everyone that appears in a movie or TV show during the month of February has to wear blackface. And that includes black people.

I guess that's about it. Enjoy the rest of Black History Month. And hang in there, brothers and sisters. If we keep fighting the good fight, they'll eventually change that law that says we're three fifths of a person. What? They've already done that? Jesus, I really need to pay closer attention.

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