Forgive me if I seem a little out of sorts. I've just had a hard time dealing with the passing of a true American icon. I am speaking, of course, about Dignity. Dignity lived a long and full life, but once Anna Nicole Smith died and the entire nation stopped to mourn her passing and pick over the details of her life, it was evident that Dignity suffered a tragic death. RIP, Dignity. We'll miss you.
And let's not forget the woman (whore) herself. Goodbye, Anna. You truly lived your life like a candle in the wind. A bloated, embarrassing candle that married a rich old guy, gained a bunch of weight, lost a bunch of weight, killed its son, gave birth to a daughter that could be fathered by any white man in North America, and OD'd.
She always strived to live her life like Marilyn Monroe, but she failed in death. Because JFK had Marilyn Monroe killed, whereas Anna Nicole Smith was killed by collective human will.
But let's not mourn Anna's death. Let's celebrate her life and focus on the positive. For one thing, her death proves that it is possible to OD on pathetic and shame. And on a personal note, it has really helped my spiritual life. I mean, you stop believing in the power of prayer and then something like this happens. And I remain convinced that somewhere in the world, a retarded horse has just been born to keep the cosmic balance.
Besides, we'll always have Pamela Anderson. You know...until she dies from Hep C.
Do you like to draw? Are you a skilled artist? Here's a chance for all of you creative types to show your stuff and win $1000 in cash and other cool prizes.
We are looking to create Torsoless Ted. He's a character who has no torso. If you don't know what a torso is you're probably too stupid to win this contest. On the other hand, you're probably so stupid that if you do win we could pay you in Monopoly money. So to clarify, your torso is the trunk of your body. Ted only has a head, arms, and everything from the waist down.
Because of this, Ted can't wear t-shirts and that makes him really, really angry.
What does Ted look like? We do have a couple of thoughts. You can feel free to ignore them, and not win. He is not a little devil or a demon. Somehow, his head and arms are connected to his waist: they aren't floating in midair. Don’t make Ted a hardcore badass, he’s more of a lovable little douchebag. That's all we have to say on the subject. Basically it's up to you. So, go draw us a picture of Ted, the pissed off little guy with no torso who can't wear t-shirts.
It's more important to have the best concept, than to be the best artist. Picasso entered our last contest and he came in third. Click here to email your entry. Attach your entry as a jpeg or gif, and keep the picture under 200 kb, and no larger than 400 x 400 px. Larger entries will not be considered. The winner will be announced on March 5th.
In addition to our usual array of shirts that steal the souls of African Bushmen, we've also added two shirts as a glowing tribute to the late (but not late enough) Anna Nicole Smith. That's right, two shirts. One for each part of her that had any value. Her left boob and her right vagina.
All of our new shirts are here:
We are more than halfway through Black History Month (no, seriously) and if you're anything like me, you've hardly even noticed. It seems like with each passing year, Black History Month (or BHM, as I just now started calling it) gets less and less attention. But I don't blame the White Devil or even his cousin, Black Apathy. I blame the month itself.
Let's face it. BHM is boring. The only thing more surprising than this month being forgotten is that it got any attention in the first place. I mean, I happen to be black and I'm bored to tears by this month.
I'm here to say it doesn't have to be that way. BHM can be great if we just put a little effort into it. But it's not going to happen if we just stand by and do nothing. That's why I have some suggestions to lift this event from obscurity and raise it up to the glorious heights of Arbor Day or, with any luck, Colombus Day. So, if you'll indulge me (in the ass), I have some suggestions that will help us take this month from "Black" to "Black-tacular!"
First of all, that name has to go. I would say "Black History Month" was once suitable, but the truth is that it's always been a bad name. Few things are more off-putting than the word history. And few things are scarier or more dangerous than the word black. I propose a name that is more reflective of what the month actually represents. Some suggestions are White Guilt Month, Waste of Time Month and Empty Gesture Month.
Another thing we can do is change how long we celebrate it. Recognizing black accomplishments for an entire month probably seemed like a good idea at the time, but once it actually rolled around, I'm sure whoever decided on that regretted it. A month is too long to focus on any one thing. Especially those people. I don't think we should shorten the amount of time, just break it up. Since February represents one twelfth of the year (more or less), how about if we have Black History Day every twelve days? Or Black History Second every twelve seconds? Think about it.
A big problem with BHM is the lack of festivities and celebration. I know that's not really the point, but if you want your event to be memorable, you've got to throw some color(ed)s around. Why do you think people remember Easter? It's not because Jesus discovered electricity on that day. It's because of all the brightly colored eggs and bunnies. So I suggest some fun BHM staples. These may sound strange, but I'm sure the Christmas tree didn't sound like a stroke of genius when it was pitched.
My first idea is the BHM Stethoscope. Christmas has its mistletoe, well now BHM has its stethoscope. You simply hang a stethoscope above your doorway during February, and anyone who enters your house that month gets violently sodomized. My second idea is the BHM Sausage Toss. This isn't that dissimilar from caroling, only instead of singing you just throw a bunch of sausages at strangers' homes. My final BHM festivity is the Fat Kid Roll. Every Wednesday morning in February, you simply find and kidnap the closest fat child in your neighborhood and roll him in a mixture of vanilla pudding and pickle juice.
It's about time for me to wrap this up, but I'd like to mention a few more ideas before I go.
#1 - Don't just focus on history during this month. Why not have children learn about Black Algebra, Black Geography and Black English? (Note - Black English is better known as Ebonics or unintelligible.)
#2 - To make sure we avoid discussing the same old stuff repeatedly and to help us talk about a broader range of topics, the following terms may no longer be mentioned during BHM. Harriet Tubman, Underground Railroad, Rosa Parks, Frederick Douglass, Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, peanut butter, Jackie Robinson, the guy that played Urkel, and Tony Hawk.
#3 - For February only, black people get to enslave white people. But white people still get to hire Mexicans to do their work.
#4 - Black people get the entire month off. I think we can go that long without basketball and rap. And my doctor can make his own crack for once, damn it.
#5 - Everyone that appears in a movie or TV show during the month of February has to wear blackface. And that includes black people.
I guess that's about it. Enjoy the rest of Black History Month. And hang in there, brothers and sisters. If we keep fighting the good fight, they'll eventually change that law that says we're three fifths of a person. What? They've already done that? Jesus, I really need to pay closer attention.
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From: the-5-yea*** @ ****pc.com
Sent: Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Subject: Baby T-Shirt
To whom it may concern:
I received an e-mail with pictures of babies wearing your t-shirts. I couldn't believe how distasteful and disturbing some of them were. I visited your web site, because I needed to see for myself if there is actually a company that sells those kinds of shirts for babies.
I am particularly disgusted by your t-shirt that says "They Shake Me." Child abuse is never funny. I think it is horrible that your company makes light of a very serious matter. There are countless cases of children dying from shaken baby syndrome, it is not something to be joked about.
I will never buy a t-shirt from your company, and I will warn all of my friends and family that you are a company who thinks killing babies is a joke.
Editor's Note: I've had to read this about fifty times, but I think I'm finally ready to respond to it. The problem was that each time I tried reading it I would start thinking about all the times I've seen babies being shaken, and I would just start laughing uncontrollably. But I'm good now.
First of all, it's unfair of this person to make a blanket statement like 'Child abuse is never funny.' Has she never seen Abbott and Costello's "Fly Swatter and Fish Hooks" routine? Fucking hilarious. Not to mention the classic silent film "Children Getting Hit by a Train" starring Harold Lloyd. And let's not forget my very own video series "America's Funniest Home Child Abuse: Volumes 1 through 18."
Second of all, our company does not think killing babies is a joke. Killing the baby is only the setup. The joke is only complete after I do whatever it is I do with the baby, a whoopee cushion, and a jar of tartar sauce.
Lastly, you don't need to warn your friends and family about our company. I hang out with your friends and family on the weekends, and when we're not participating in our weekly "Running of the Hoboes," I tell them all about T-Shirt Hell. But thanks for your concern. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go check on all the babies that I left in my bathtub full of plugged-in toasters.
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From: Aaron B.
Sent: Saturday, November 11, 2006
Well this is just me...maybe. Your shirts are hilarious but i would just like to say that i commend the person who would were pretty much any of them. Like "Arrest black babies before they become criminals" if you wore that shirt around were i live you wouldn't last 10 minutes on the street. Im just saying that they're funny but who seriously has the ballz to buy these. Not anybody who has a brain.
Editor's Note: Spending 10 minutes where you live sounds like about nine minutes and 58 seconds too long. Those first two seconds would probably be cool because it would make me feel better about my own life, but after that wore off I'd just feel shame and depression.
My point is that I would gladly welcome an ass-kicking or even a stabbing if it got my mind off the fact that I accidentally stumbled into an area reminiscent of "The Hills Have Eyes."
In fact, if I ever have the misfortune of walking through your neighborhood, because I'm doing a study on mouth-breathing retards or something, maybe I can take measures to ensure that the beatdown takes place in less than 10 minutes. In addition to wearing this shirt, maybe I'll put the same image on both sides of a sandwich board, put it on over the shirt, and walk around while shouting "Go back to Africa!" on a megaphone. That might just confuse people since I'm black, but I'd be willing to try anything to make me forget that I was in an area where window-licking chimps like you can walk around freely.
And don't assume that other people don't have balls just because you don't. It is possible to have both balls AND brains. And, as you have proven, it is possible to have neither. Now get back to your shanty. There's still some glue that hasn't been eaten.
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Sent: Friday, November 24, 2006
Subject: its kind of funny
but I expect a company Ive done buisness with and admired to not go along with the crusifixtion of michael richards....it was rage not racism....Nigger is the only word unacceptable in the english language if it was a asian and he said chink it wouldnt of even made the news......my 2 cents
Editor's Note: Two cents isn't a whole lot, which is why I'm always surprised to find that everyone's "two cents" is often worth even less than that. He is, of course, referring to the KKKramer shirt we carried while Michael Richards was still in the news.
I'm sure you've noticed that most of the complaints we get are from douchebags that think they hold the patent on morality, but occasionally we get something like this from an asshole that goes the other way with his complaint. The thing that both of these groups seem to forget is that we make jokes. Not everything is a fucking social statement. Why can't something just be funny? We weren't making some bold announcement in an attempt to condemn racism. It was a goddamn shirt where Kramer has a Klan hood on. The fact that someone can see anything more than just a silly joke in that shows just how silly that individual is.
And in case you don't know, I happen to be a nigger (if those taunts I hear at the DMV are accurate), and if there's one thing I find just as sad as people fighting to ban that word, it's people like you fighting to try and make it as common as the word applesauce. Is it pathetic that people get in an uproar over the use of something that is nothing more than a few letters? Of course. But if you can acknowledge how sad that is, can you also acknowledge how sad it is that people like you want to use that word for no other reason than the fact that some people don't want you to? That's like me eating my pubic hair just because my mom told me not to (which I stopped doing months ago).
Listen, you can say nigger in your living room all the livelong day and no one will stop you. You can also dip your cock in mustard and swing it around. But you don't do either of those in public. Not because either of those things would offend people, which they would, but because there would be no fucking reason for it. It's great that people want to defend freedom of speech, but it's kind of sad when you realize a lot of them, rather than fight for a cause, just use freedom of speech to piss people off for no reason or to paraphrase Larry the Cable Guy.
You also seem to forget that certain things being taboo is what makes them fun. Right now you can say nigger and it makes you feel like a rebel because you're not supposed to say it, but if we ever get to the point where people are throwing around words like nigger, wetback and gook like they mean hello, you'd just have time to realize how pathetic you are.
Don't get me wrong, it'd be great if those words became meaningless. But people like you fighting for them keeps them taboo just as much as people fighting against them. They get mad because you use that word, you get mad because they got mad, and the whole thing escalates. So in the future, let's do ourselves a favor and not react to the reaction. Then, and only then, will we live in a world free of racial slurs. And racism will once again be about actions rather than words. Awesome.
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From: Levent T.
Sent: Thursday, November 23, 2006
Subject: IROQ fuck u idiots!
I saw ur t-shirts, when i saw ur Iraq t,shirts, i shocked, how can u do this bullshit works? Everyday lots of people die in Iraq becoz of ur idiot Bush & army! And u idiots what r u doing, mother fucker tee-shirts! Shame on u and go to hell
Do u know how many people died yesterday? 150! U fucked up the earth! Meanwhile, I'm not Iraq citizen. u all idiots! u r crazy
Editor's Note: I was initially impressed when I read this, but then I realized it wasn't written by a brain-damaged walrus. Anyway, I understand how someone can write like this, what with the cultural divide and all, but I don't understand how someone capable of writing this has the ability to be offended in the first place.
Meaning I don't get how you can clearly know so little about the language, yet still be offended by it. Like, if I went to Iraq (Satan forbid) and I saw a cartoon of someone throwing shrimp at Uncle Sam's ass, I wouldn't get offended because I wouldn't know what the hell it meant. I think our buddy Levent here just saw the word Iraq or a certain image and thought we were insulting it. Which we probably were, because all of our shirts are created for the sole purpose of insulting Iraqis, but it's still wrong of him to assume that.
Regardless, I had no idea 150 people died there yesterday. That number is disheartening. It means I owe Ricky $50 in the office pool. Are you sure about that amount, Levent? I would think that 150 is a slow morning in Iraq. It seems like that many people in Iraq die every day due to rabid camel attacks alone.
Anyway, you should know that you're not alone. Plenty of Americans disagree with what Bush has done in Iraq. But while we may not all support the war, I think there's one thing we all support. Our troops...killing Muslims.
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Veni, Vidi, Vici - Then Veni Two More Times
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