Well, Black History Month is almost over and I still haven't done all my shopping. Elsewhere in the world - Muslims are still angry because they are still Muslims, and I won a $100 bet I made with my friend on the Winter Olympics. I bet him that they did just take place. Also, Americans are none too pleased that President Bush has allowed United Arab Emirates to control six key US seaports, but I defend the president. You know the old saying. 'Keep your friends close . . . and they may shield you from the dirty bomb that just went off in the nearest seaport'.
[Doctor! Get these new shirts out of me!]
This week we have 7 new shirts, just in time for you to buy them.
Included this week is the perfect response to Chuck mania, a shirt for females who are skinny enough to have standards and a shirt that reminds you to always be polite when dealing with penis. We've also managed to take the topics of outsourcing, abortion and spousal abuse and make them even funnier. With just enough room left over for a shirt about the one true shocker.
All of our new shirts are here:
If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste it into your browser.
[So, Mohammed Walks Into a Bar . . . ]
Talk about perfect timing. I had already decided I was going to talk badly about Mohammed in this newsletter, and through the grace of God (money) it's going to end up being topical anyway. This whole "terrorists controlling our ports" thing has stolen a bit of the Mohammed story's thunder, but I'll take blasphemy over political commentary any day. Even if the blasphemy concerns a 3rd-rate religious figure like Mohammed.
But therein lies the challenge. It's easy to make fun of Jesus. Everybody knows the whole bit with the cross, the resurrection and the midget genocide, so he's an easy target. Mohammed, on the other hand, I actually had to read about to make fun of. I'll be honest. Until this cartoon controversy I thought Mohammed was a 7-headed badger that punished Buddhist children at Christmas. Color me surprised when I found out that he's actually a talking camel that punishes children that don't have the courage to blow themselves up.
Anyway, the crux of this article is that since people are seeing what a lightning rod of controversy Mohammed is, they're using him in all media outlets and having him promote and endorse nearly everything. His first stop on this media frenzy was a trip to the Regis and Kelly show. Regis usually handles all his guests pretty well, but even he was a little rattled when that talking camel bit him in the face. From there Mohammed went on to shoot a commercial for Jimmy Dean sausage patties. It's actually a pretty cute commercial. Mohammed eats some sausage and he says, "Mmm . . .betraying Islam sure is delicious." You had to see it. And the fact that it's a talking camel makes it that much funnier. From there he went on to TBN, where he was the opening guest speaker for a Christian fund-raiser co-hosted by Kirk Cameron and MC Hammer. Or maybe it was Mr. T. I think it was. Yep, it was Mr. T and MC Hammer.
Anyway, those are just a few stops Mohammed has made on this publicity blitz. In the coming weeks he'll be appearing on talk shows (all except Tony Danza), doing guest spots on Will & Grace and Two & a Half Men, and even laying down a couple tracks with Pharell and Gwen Stefani. Yes, it's been quite an interesting few days for Mohammed, and he shows no signs of slowing down. He has just signed a 3-picture deal with Dream- works and begins shooting his first film next week. He plays a wise- cracking, get this, camel. And Rob Schneider is his long lost camel girl- friend. Stuck in the body of an ugly man! So hop on the Mohammed train now. And to all the ladies out there Mohammed would just like to say, "Shut up and cover your shame." Goodbye people who can read!
[Hate is a 4-Letter Word - Just Like Love and Donkey-punch]
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Monday, February 20, 2006 5:18 AM
There are plenty of other shirts on your website to be offended by, but as a stripper I am offended by your 'I support single moms' shirt. I've been a stripper for 7 years and the girls I've worked with are no different from anyone else. They are wives, mothers, students and in general just people trying to make it. I am not single or a mom. I strip because I love it and it pays the bills. Just wanted you to know that not all strippers are a sterotype.
(Editor's Note: Thanks for the explanation Rebecca. Or should I call you Candy? Lexus? Porsche? Cinnamon? Whatever the fuck your name is, thank you. I had no idea there was such a wide variety of strippers. Now, whenever one of these classy ladies that is no different from anyone else is grinding her snatch on my leg, I'll be able to start up an interesting conversation. And whenever I find out that one is married, I'll find out who her husband is and offer him my sympathy because his wife (you) rubs her greasy twat all over fat, bald, drunk men while Motley Crue plays overhead. See you in the champagne room Rebecca. I'll be the one laughing at your breast implant scars.)
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Tuesday, February 21, 2006 1:41 AM
Subject: You Will Die
You Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will DieYou Will
(Editor's note: All work and no play make Mohammed a dull boy. All work and no play make Mohammed a dull boy. All work and . . . okay, you get it. Actually, it's unfair of me to assume this is about the Mohammed shirts. I just saw the name Eyup al Zarqawi Bin Laden Hadji Hussein and jumped to conclusions. But this e-mail could just as easily be about our 'When soldier #3000 dies . . . ' or 'Breast cancer kills my erection' shirts. Or about the fact that T-shirt Hell recently contributed $2 million to the 'Post-natal abortion fund'. In any case, it was unfair of me to assume. To make it up to you, I'm going to put pictures of Mohammed in every public toilet and urinal I can. And I'll run all ideas past you in the future. Now . . . what was it you wanted me to do again? I forgot what you wrote.)
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Thursday, February 16, 2006 3:53 AM
Subject: A commentabout your T-shirts
Dear Sir or Madam,
First of all as it appears from my name that I am a muslim, and don't worry I will not kill you!!, as you make a remar that appear to be funny about Islam on your shirt, We are a nation that still has a faith...and values, depsite of the fact that you may refuse these values. Your web site and T-shirt are full of Hate and Racism, It's a Humilation to a billion of people all over the world.It proves that the values of the west including Freedom and Respecting the other are just illusions and Fake propganda that hides , your hate and humilation to our religion and civilization.I am wondering if you could make shirts about the Holocoust if you really think that priniting this shirt is a kind of freedom.. I am looking forward to testify your values by printing T-shirts criticizing the Holocoust.
Finally, hope you can make a useful buisness rather than spreading hate throughout our world.
(Editor's note: A Muslim that won't kill me? Oh man. You're like a 2-horned unicorn. Or a priest that touches boys. Wait...never mind.
We're tired of people saying our website is full of hate and racism.
It is, but it needlessly wastes so much space. That's why we've coined the new word - hatecism. It's a time and space saver. We tried a similar thing because we were tired of always writing out cupcakes and bundt cakes, but people always thought we were talking about something else when we said cuntcakes. And you totally nailed the west on being full of propaganda and not respecting your religion. That's why we at T-Shirt Hell are open about it. No cover-up from us. We don't respect you and we let you know about it.
Concerning your idea about a Holocaust shirt, if it's financially viable, we're totally down. But I don't think it is financially viable because most people know the Holocaust was fake. And the ones that don't were killed by it. Lastly, as people will always need shirts, we are in the fortunate position of being a useful business AND being able to spread hate throughout the world. Now if you don't mind, I've got to get this curry taste out of my mouth (I ate your mom's pussy last night. And your dad's semen). Goodbye Muhammad. Wait...you're not THAT Muhammad, are you? I don't think so. Your e-mail was too well-written to be from someone that was in the middle of a 3-way with a camel and a goat. Later.)
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Thursday, February 16, 2006 2:39 AM
Subject: Whingy people!!
I love your site, I'm hoping to grab some off you soon! I got the newsletter and i have to say there are alot of people that whinge alot about the site. Yes some of the t-shirts aren't for many. But who cares they are funny as hell! If you don't like the t-shirts that are in there then why even continue to look at the shirts, maybe they are in hope of finding the right shirt for them that simply says "Beware i'm a whingy prick, I whinge about everything"Maybe you guys should come up with a whiney bitches shirt then i'm sure you'll satisfy everybody.
Keep up the good work anyways guys, I think your all great! Screw what other people say, they are just jealous that their pathetic little lives suck!
(Editor's Note: Look! Someone that doesn't hate us! Oh God, there are so many people to thank. I'd like to thank God for guiding me down the right path and for eating my snatch even when I didn't ask him to. I'd like to thank my family, for the very same reason. I'd like to thank retarded people, for the laughter, the tears, and for changing the meaning of tears to extra laughter. I'd like to thank the devil for committing suicide and allowing me to slide over one spot (and for the egg salad recipe).
And finally, I'd like to thank you, Kimberly. If it wasn't for your e-mail, I'd be snorting coke off a hooker's tits right now, instead of writing this. On second thought, fuck you Kimberly. Keep your good will to your goddamn self (but seriously, ever been with a black chick before? Cuz I know a dead one).
[Congratulations! You read the whole thing!]
We are all God's children. Man, I have fucked so many of my sisters
(And 2 brothers).