T-Shirt Hell is looking to hire a new, full time, badass web designer. We're not looking to completely redesign the site or anything of that scale, but we definitely need someone to help create new pages/graphics for new content and to improve upon what we've done (your graphic design ability is more important than your coding ability). You'll get a very good salary and health care and all the girls/guys/goats you could ever dream of. Rather than just going by your current portfolios and having a traditional job call with retarded resumes and fake references, I'd like to skip all the bullshit and actually find someone who shows they can kicks ass right away. The best way for me to pick someone is to have an open contest...to every web designer out there. For all of the details go here.
Starting next week we are going to be bringing back 8 classic shirts from the 8 year history of T-Shirt Hell every two weeks for the remainder of 2009. It's a new feature we call our "Privates". If you'd like to get your hands on our Privates, you have to be a TSH member (which is completely free, by the way). If you're not already a member, sign up. Every two weeks, a completely new batch of shirts will be brought back. But only for two weeks...then they're back to the bowels of Hell, where you won't be able to get them until you're dead. If you've been waiting for us to bring a certain shirt back, well, this could be your big chance. We're even going to let you vote on what you want brought back most. In the meantime, all the shirts we brought back for our going out of business sale will be available for the remainder of this week only. Check them out right here.
	I hope you've all recovered from Mardi Gras. Lord knows I haven't. Doctors say my clit is going to be on a respirator for at least two more weeks. But at least I got a whole bunch of worthless beads without sacrificing my self-respect. I got rid of that years ago. Slumdog Millionaire won 8 Oscars, including Best Picture. Slumdog is the uplifting story of a Mumbai orphan who appears on the Indian version of, "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" and reunites with his lost love. Great movie, but you know what's even more uplifting? Actual Mumbai orphans. Nothing makes you appreciate your shitty apartment and microwave burritos like a homeless 5-year-old eating his puppy. Hooray for third world reality! Speaking of the moving pictures, after months of anticipation, the film version of Watchmen is set to hit screens this week. "The movie fucking sucks. The graphic novel is a thousand times better." says every fanboy who takes comic books way too seriously and will see the movie seventeen times anyway. Jimmy Fallon is set to take over Late Night this week. I'm sad to say goodbye to Conan O'Brien's absurd and subversive characters, but Fallon has his own line-up of characters I'm sure we'll all come to love. Characters like "Unfunny Douche," "Guy Who Doesn't Deserve His Paycheck," and "The Reason I'm Watching Kimmel." President Obama recently announced his plan to withdraw most U.S. troops from Iraq by August of next year. Reactions from soldiers are mixed. Some of them are thrilled to be coming home, but most of them are like "Where? Afghanistan!? Fuck! Where's my fucking rifle?!" And thus begins Operation Move the Quagmire Somewhere Else. The much debated stimulus package finally began being distributed last week. America is finally on the road to recovery. Kind of like how Andy Dick is on the road to recovery. It's like, "Nice try, America. Try not to choke on China's cock next time you're trying to score your next 8-ball of economic relief."

Just like two of my last three stepfathers, the economy has hit me hard. I've done everything I can think of to save money (using Venezuelan girls instead of Colombians for my muling), but I can't seem to get ahead. As a last ditch effort to make some money, I've decided to sell what I cherish most in this world: my possessions.

Instead of making my precious, precious things available to the general public on Ebay, Craigslist or a Dutch pawn shop, I've decided to give our fans first crack at them. They are listed below. If anything catches your eye, feel free to enter your bid in comments. And no trades. This isn't the fucking barter system. This is capitalism failing, damn it.

Assortment of Jew skulls - Only used a few times to eat cereal out of. I'm pretty sure one of them is Sandy Koufax.

Captain Rod's Big Angry Fuckstick - Thermos sized vibrators just aren't cutting it anymore.

Half black/Half Samoan baby - Act fast. These things don't last long when you don't feed them.

Fully loaded iPod - I'm already onto the next format. You won't hear about it until Apple releases the iStick and iPiece of Sheet Metal. Until then, enjoy your cave music, losers.

Thousands of gold bars - I know, these things are worthless, but on the off chance you want them you can buy them cheap. Wait... what's that? No way. Thanks, Cash4Gold!

The stock market - That's right, I bought the whole thing. It seemed like a good investment at the time, but now I'd be willing to give it up for a biscuit and a donkey punch.

Wedding rings, all sizes - Hundreds and hundreds have been left inside me over the years. Let all those husbands' loss be your gain.

Box of worn out uteruses - I go through one about every two weeks, but I never throw them away. I can't imagine why you'd want them, but hey, I don't judge.

A few dozen bricks of heroin - I'm not gonna lie, heroin is great, but once you've injected the plasma of a baby Eskimo into your eyeball, there's no going back.

A Jonas brother - I threw water on one the other night and now my apartment is clogged with these fucking things.

Six squares of toilet paper - Only used once!

A chubby retard - Priced to move. He was entertaining for a while, but I simply did not expect him to live this long.

A Bible - I never use the thing and I'm tired of hearing its gentle sobbing.

Television rabbit ears - They're basically useless since most broadcasters have gone digital, but you can use them to... I don't know, some racist punchline.

Heath Ledger's Oscar - You had your chance to steal it from a toddler, but I beat you to it and now you've gotta pay for that shit.

Alex Rodriguez memorabilia - I no longer want it ever since he disgraced the game by being Dominican.

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-----Original Message-----

From: Devon D.

" fuck the colorblind that remark deeply insults me and i demand something happens

Editor's Note: I just queefed. Does that count as something happening? Demanding that "something" happens is about as vague as you can possibly be, but I'll tell you what activities I was planning for the rest of the week and we'll see if any of them appease you.

Throwing a bunch of Big Macs at a retarded employee in a McDonald's, kidnapping a Mexican baby just to see how low I need to go before the parents pay the ransom, watching Police Academy 8 and working my way backwards to the original to see if that makes them any better, and mailing a box of my stool and used tampons to Rihanna to see if it makes the news.

While none of those things may be exactly what you were hoping for, all of them definitely fall under the heading of "something." So you can accept any or all of these actions as our attempt to do right by you and gracefully move on, or you can keep on being a stupid dick the rest of your life. Guess which one of those options I think you'll choose. Oh, come on, guess. Eh, you'll figure it out, you stupid dick.

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-----Original Message-----

From: Jordan

Funny T-shirts? There are no such things. would you print one of these pics out and show it to people you meet?... "hey look at this... huh... HUH!?.... isn't it funny!?" no, because people would rightly think you're an idiot.;

You may as well wear a special hat with the message "i think im funny because i have a joke written down" on it.... or even a t-shirt. Chances are you won't reply.. Cause you're making a living off of it.

Editor's Note:You're right, I'm not going to reply to this. Wait... Goddamn it! You crafty teenagers and your emails (I'm shaking my fist). You may think it's presumptuous of me to assume this is a teenager, but seriously, who else would have written this?

Idiotic emails from adults typically display some form of moral indignation or religious soapboxery, but this email is nothing more than unnecessary negativity and cynicism, the telltale signs of a teenage mind. Of course we all think things are lame and that certain things suck, but no one offers up those feelings quite as readily as a teenager.

"Someone enjoying something without being criticized and made to feel stupid? I can't let this happen. Hey, that thing sucks. I don't know what it is, but you're an idiot for liking it. Phew, that was close. That guy liked something, but I put a stop to that. Thanks, internet!"

The odd thing here is that this email took so much effort. You could've just left a comment and saved yourself several seconds and up to three mouse clicks. That must've been like texting someone who wasn't already programmed into your phone. You better go have yourself a nap. Oh wait, I forgot that naps are lame. Well just... go call things lame. That's lame too? You damn kids!

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-----Original Message-----

From: Deb

I was just going through your latest t-shirts. Have always loved them until now. THe one that says "Kill yourself, all the cool kids are doing it" is just wrong.Especially showing a little kid hanging by a rope around his neck Alot of kids are doing that, they do not need suggestions of it printed on a shirt.

I lost my 12 year old son last year from suicide. It is one of the most hardest things that happen.I will be forwarding your website to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

Editor's Note: This IS the AFSP you stupid cunt. T-Shirt Hell is just a front. It's a complicated story I'd rather not get into, mostly because I'm lying.

Anyway, what exactly were you hoping to accomplish by letting a suicide prevention foundation know we exist? If you carried through with this, you did nothing more than bother the guy at the AFSP who has to go through people's emails.

I wholeheartedly disagree with an organization committed to preventing suicide, but I empathize with any guy who has to read retarded emails all day. This guy most likely just reads comments from dumbfuck parents all day who want to know how they can tell if Jeffrey Jr. is cutting and he gives them all the same generic response. Then along comes a moronic email from some asshole complaining about T-shirts.

And he's like "Fucking thanks, douche. I didn't know shirts existed." Now you've totally thrown off his rhythm and he starts responding to people with "Fuck it. Tell your worthless kid to put a gun in his mouth."

Besides, this is all moot. Your kid committed suicide just fine without that shirt telling him how. What? You brought him up first. And speaking of your dead kid, he has a message for you: "Oooooo, my mom was a stupid bitch. Oooooo...." I like this kid. Too bad he's dead.

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-----Original Submission-----

From: Faith

Briefly, I viewed your stuff and appeared to demonic. I ask you to Pray and ask GOD to reveal himself to you. Remember, Faith is not by sight (if it was people still would not believe), its by hearing.

P.S. Jesus loves you.

Editor's Note: Instead of asking us to pray to God, why don't you pray to God and ask him to force us to pray to him? I'm sorry. I don't mean to make light of your faith, but it's just so hard to make sense of logic that eats itself. I forget on which days and for which people prayer works. And can one prayer cancel out another? And why is it prayer is only answered in vague and intangible terms? And why are my walls bleeding?

As far as God revealing himself to me, well, the joke practically writes itself. However, I will add that right after he revealed himself to me I sucked him off like I was trying to siphon the world's gooiest gas. Then he popped in my left eye and, long story short, I can see the future.

That was a pretty quote about faith. Allow me to amend it for modern times: Remember, faith is not by sight or by hearing; it is by ignorance and self-delusion. That may sound sacrilegious, but the church endorses it. "Which church?" you ask. You know... that one with the building and the guy who says bullshit.

P.S. Jesus is a paint-huffing male prostitute.

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[Resume Touching Self]

When I became a man, I put away childish things. Except the ones I use to lure the children with.