MAGIC 8-BALL
FREE BLOWJOB ANALYSIS
CONTAINS ALCOHOL FOR MAXIMUM EFFECTIVENESS
THIS SHIRT ENTITLES THE WEARER TO CUT
HUSH LITTLE BABY (SIMPLE PLEASURES)
HAVE YOU HUGGED YOUR KID TODAY? (I HAVE)
SLAVERY GETS SHIT DONE
CEREAL RAPIST
BLING-BLING
STOP CLUBBING
THIS T-SHIRT IS 100% ORGANIC
NOT TONIGHT LADIES I'M JUST HERE TO GET DRUNK
I SHOULD BE IN THE KITCHEN
WHITE FLOUR
FREE HUGS (WORLD CHAMPION SLUT HUGGER)
I SUPPORT SINGLE MOMS

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T-Shirt Hell is looking to hire a new, full time, badass web designer. We're not looking to completely redesign the site or anything of that scale, but we definitely need someone to help create new pages/graphics for new content and to improve upon what we've done (your graphic design ability is more important than your coding ability). You'll get a very good salary and health care and all the girls/guys/goats you could ever dream of.

Rather than just going by your current portfolios and having a traditional job call with retarded resumes and fake references, I'd like to skip all the bullshit and actually find someone who shows they can kicks ass right away. The best way for me to pick someone is to have an open contest...to every web designer out there.

For all of the details go here.

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Starting next week we are going to be bringing back 8 classic shirts from the 8 year history of T-Shirt Hell every two weeks for the remainder of 2009. It's a new feature we call our "Privates". If you'd like to get your hands on our Privates, you have to be a TSH member (which is completely free, by the way). If you're not already a member, sign up.

Every two weeks, a completely new batch of shirts will be brought back. But only for two weeks...then they're back to the bowels of Hell, where you won't be able to get them until you're dead. If you've been waiting for us to bring a certain shirt back, well, this could be your big chance. We're even going to let you vote on what you want brought back most.

In the meantime, all the shirts we brought back for our going out of business sale will be available for the remainder of this week only. Check them out right here.

ASTHMA IS SEXY I PUT THE CUTE IN EXECUTE I BEAT CANCER - BY CANCER I MEAN CHILDREN
1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d SHITTLES - TASTE THE ASSHOLE RAPE IS NO LAUGHING MATTER - UNLESS
MEXICAN'T MARY WAS ONLY A VIRGIN IF YOU DON'T COUNT ANAL AUTISTIC KIDS ROCK
I PLANE NY JESUS DID IT FOR THE CHICKS I EAT MORE PUSSY THAN CERVICAL CANCER
NATIVE AMERICANS - SHOULD HAVE FOUGHT HARDER WHAT ABOUT ALL THE GOOD THINGS HITLER ARREST BLACK BABIES BEFORE THEY
RESTRAINING ORDERS SCHOOL SHOOTINGS TOUR NOTHING RUNS LIKE A QUEERE
I WANNA PUT MY (COCK) IN YOUR (PUSSY) FUCK YOU - YOU'RE IRISH I LIKE MY WOMEN LIKE I LIKE MY COFFEE
THE KERMIT DISSECTION HAN JOB (HAN SOLO PRINCESS LEIA) HOMOSEXUALS ARE GAY
PIMP SPONSORED BY THE LETTER E YOUTUBE MYSPACE AND I'LL GOOGLE YOUR
THIS IS MY CLONE MEDIUM PIMPIN STOP CLUBBING
COOKIE CUTTER CEREAL RAPIST MUSIC IN A MINOR
I NEED A GIRL WHO CAN HANDLE MY LOAD ABORTIONS TICKLE FINISH YOUR PUSSY - THERE ARE HORNY KIDS IN ETHIOPIA
ARREST WHITE BABIES BEFORE RIBBED FOR HER PLEASURE  

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WORST.GANGBANG.EVER

I hope you've all recovered from Mardi Gras. Lord knows I haven't. Doctors say my clit is going to be on a respirator for at least two more weeks. But at least I got a whole bunch of worthless beads without sacrificing my self-respect. I got rid of that years ago.

Slumdog Millionaire won 8 Oscars, including Best Picture. Slumdog is the uplifting story of a Mumbai orphan who appears on the Indian version of, "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" and reunites with his lost love. Great movie, but you know what's even more uplifting? Actual Mumbai orphans. Nothing makes you appreciate your shitty apartment and microwave burritos like a homeless 5-year-old eating his puppy. Hooray for third world reality!

Speaking of the moving pictures, after months of anticipation, the film version of Watchmen is set to hit screens this week. "The movie fucking sucks. The graphic novel is a thousand times better." says every fanboy who takes comic books way too seriously and will see the movie seventeen times anyway.

Jimmy Fallon is set to take over Late Night this week. I'm sad to say goodbye to Conan O'Brien's absurd and subversive characters, but Fallon has his own line-up of characters I'm sure we'll all come to love. Characters like "Unfunny Douche," "Guy Who Doesn't Deserve His Paycheck," and "The Reason I'm Watching Kimmel."

President Obama recently announced his plan to withdraw most U.S. troops from Iraq by August of next year. Reactions from soldiers are mixed. Some of them are thrilled to be coming home, but most of them are like "Where? Afghanistan!? Fuck! Where's my fucking rifle?!" And thus begins Operation Move the Quagmire Somewhere Else.

The much debated stimulus package finally began being distributed last week. America is finally on the road to recovery. Kind of like how Andy Dick is on the road to recovery. It's like, "Nice try, America. Try not to choke on China's cock next time you're trying to score your next 8-ball of economic relief."

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Just like two of my last three stepfathers, the economy has hit me hard. I've done everything I can think of to save money (using Venezuelan girls instead of Colombians for my muling), but I can't seem to get ahead. As a last ditch effort to make some money, I've decided to sell what I cherish most in this world: my possessions.

Instead of making my precious, precious things available to the general public on Ebay, Craigslist or a Dutch pawn shop, I've decided to give our fans first crack at them. They are listed below. If anything catches your eye, feel free to enter your bid in comments. And no trades. This isn't the fucking barter system. This is capitalism failing, damn it.

Assortment of Jew skulls - Only used a few times to eat cereal out of. I'm pretty sure one of them is Sandy Koufax.

Captain Rod's Big Angry Fuckstick - Thermos sized vibrators just aren't cutting it anymore.

Half black/Half Samoan baby - Act fast. These things don't last long when you don't feed them.

Fully loaded iPod - I'm already onto the next format. You won't hear about it until Apple releases the iStick and iPiece of Sheet Metal. Until then, enjoy picture 1your cave music, losers.

Thousands of gold bars - I know, these things are worthless, but on the off chance you want them you can buy them cheap. Wait... what's that? No way. Thanks, Cash4Gold!

The stock market - That's right, I bought the whole thing. It seemed like a good investment at the time, but now I'd be willing to give it up for a biscuit and a donkey punch.

Wedding rings, all sizes - Hundreds and hundreds have been left inside me over the years. Let all those husbands' loss be your gain.

picture 1Box of worn out uteruses - I go through one about every two weeks, but I never throw them away. I can't imagine why you'd want them, but hey, I don't judge.

A few dozen bricks of heroin - I'm not gonna lie, heroin is great, but once you've injected the plasma of a baby Eskimo into your eyeball, there's no going back.

A Jonas brother - I threw water on one the other night and now my apartment is clogged with these fucking things.

Six squares of toilet paper - Only used once!

A chubby retard - Priced to move. He was entertaining for a while, but I simply did not expect him to live this long.picture 1

A Bible - I never use the thing and I'm tired of hearing its gentle sobbing.

Television rabbit ears - They're basically useless since most broadcasters have gone digital, but you can use them to... I don't know, some racist punchline.

Heath Ledger's Oscar - You had your chance to steal it from a toddler, but I beat you to it and now you've gotta pay for that shit.

Alex Rodriguez memorabilia - I no longer want it ever since he disgraced the game by being Dominican.



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