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newsfromhell

It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing


HULK RUN FAST. HULK SMASH!


I hope everyone had a good Leap Day. I myself had a terrific one. I hung up stockings, I hid brightly colored eggs, I lit fireworks, and I ran rusty fishhooks through a drifter's flesh for about thirty minutes.

Speaking of the calendar, remember to set your clocks forward on March 9. You'll be losing an hour of your life, but you weren't going to do anything with that hour anyway. Besides, you can always get it back by dropping some acid and stepping into that wormhole. Onto the news…

Congress recently asked the Justice Department to investigate Roger Clemens, who is suspected of lying under oath. Call me naive, but I believed Clemens. Except for that part where he said "Congress is wasting this country's time and money on a bunch of fucking nonsense." They totally busted him on that.

Last week Microsoft was fined $1.3 billion for antitrust violations. Bill Gates immediately paid the fine.  Then he rubbed out a load onto a stack of $100 bills and said "Here's your goddamn tip."

The U.S. dollar is down, gas prices are soaring, and real estate is in the proverbial shitter.  Thankfully, Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke has cut interest rates again. That hasn't really worked over the past few years, but hey, the 142nd time is the charm.

Anyway, I just can't wrap my head around the conundrum which perpetually faces the United States. It seems like every time we have the greatest president ever, our economy is in shambles. It's almost like the two are connected. You'd think Bush would give some economists a truckload of gold bars to figure this out.

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Easter is right around the corner and we've got the perfect new shirts for the occasion. They don't mention Easter, but they are exactly the kind of thing Jesus died for.

Whether you want to save a beautiful creature by destroying a different but equally beautiful creature; or you want to communicate your disappointment with the quality of poon in the room, we've got the shirt for you or someone like you. We've also added a new baby shirt. Because, believe it or not, there are still some people having babies. I know, fucking crazy, right?  Plus, shirts that celebrate the gaming culture, ponies, and the sad inevitability that everything will go horribly wrong.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt_030308_news.htm


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andySince the number of presidential candidates has been winnowed down to a mere handful over the past few weeks, I have been in desperate need of seeing a huge collection of douchebags in one place. So, I decided to watch the Academy Awards last week. There I was, watching the Oscars on my picture-in-picture screen. And as I watched these bloated egos and self-aggrandizing jerkoffs pat themselves on their collective back, I couldn't help but compare it to what I was viewing on my main screen: hardcore pornography.

It was in that moment that I had the following realization: mainstream art is just porn for your emotions. When you think about it, lust is an emotion just like any other. The only difference is that instead of coming out in the form of laughter or tears, it comes out in the form of cloudy goo.  And if you’re really lucky, it still comes out on or in the face of a loved one: so really, it’s virtually identical to the rest of them.

Art is just a way for us to feed whatever emotions we are feeling at the moment. When you're angry, you may listen to a metal album to get it out of your system. When you're sad, you'll check out a tearjerker to have a good cry. If you need a good laugh, you watch the Zapruder film. The same goes if you need a gaygood scare, a thrill, and so on. Art is just there to serve our emotional needs, and porn is no different.

In its own way, porn is the purest form of art. Largely because its merit isn't up for debate. Did you get your nut? "Yes." Well then the porn worked. Whereas when someone laughs at a lame sitcom or cries during an episode of Grey's Anatomy; we'll judge them and tell them they're wrong- however honest their reaction may have been. None of that with porn. If you came, it was a triumph. No thumbs up/thumbs down, no star grading system:  just proof-positive that the work accomplished its goal… right there in that wad of tissues.

I don't want to seem like I'm giving porn too much undue praise here. At the end of the day, I know it's incredibly easy to produce; the people who produce it are attention-starved assholes; and ultimately, what they provide me with I can provide for myself if I really care to. But you know what? The same exact thing can be said of so called real "artists."

andySo, don't think of this as a tip of the hat to the porn industry. Think of this as my way of saying that creative types aren't all that important either. Ron Jeremy will never be held in the same regard as Marlon Brando, nor should he be. But you know who else shouldn't be held in the same regard as Marlon Brando? Marlon Brando. To anyone who has the ability to think and create for themselves (which is everyone, if they'd only take five seconds to realize it), porn stars and "legitimate" actors are equally useless.

Art - just like love and all other abstract concepts - is nice to have in your life, maybe even necessary.  But when you get right down to it, it is cheap to come by and you can always get it from a different source.

So, to all the artists out there - be you musicians, film makers or anything else - get the fuck over yourselves. You're already obsolete; you just don't know it yet. Fortunately for you, not many other people do either. Until then...Hooray for (a world without) Hollywood.


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