I hope everyone had a good Leap Day. I myself had a terrific one. I hung up stockings, I hid brightly colored eggs, I lit fireworks, and I ran rusty fishhooks through a drifter's flesh for about thirty minutes.
Speaking of the calendar, remember to set your clocks forward on March 9. You'll be losing an hour of your life, but you weren't going to do anything with that hour anyway. Besides, you can always get it back by dropping some acid and stepping into that wormhole. Onto the news…
Congress recently asked the Justice Department to investigate Roger Clemens, who is suspected of lying under oath. Call me naive, but I believed Clemens. Except for that part where he said "Congress is wasting this country's time and money on a bunch of fucking nonsense." They totally busted him on that.
Last week Microsoft was fined $1.3 billion for antitrust violations. Bill Gates immediately paid the fine. Then he rubbed out a load onto a stack of $100 bills and said "Here's your goddamn tip."
The U.S. dollar is down, gas prices are soaring, and real estate is in the proverbial shitter. Thankfully, Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke has cut interest rates again. That hasn't really worked over the past few years, but hey, the 142nd time is the charm.
Anyway, I just can't wrap my head around the conundrum which perpetually faces the United States. It seems like every time we have the greatest president ever, our economy is in shambles. It's almost like the two are connected. You'd think Bush would give some economists a truckload of gold bars to figure this out.
Easter is right around the corner and we've got the perfect new shirts for the occasion. They don't mention Easter, but they are exactly the kind of thing Jesus died for.
Whether you want to save a beautiful creature by destroying a different but equally beautiful creature; or you want to communicate your disappointment with the quality of poon in the room, we've got the shirt for you or someone like you. We've also added a new baby shirt. Because, believe it or not, there are still some people having babies. I know, fucking crazy, right? Plus, shirts that celebrate the gaming culture, ponies, and the sad inevitability that everything will go horribly wrong.
All of our new shirts are here:
Since the number of presidential candidates has been winnowed down to a mere handful over the past few weeks, I have been in desperate need of seeing a huge collection of douchebags in one place. So, I decided to watch the Academy Awards last week. There I was, watching the Oscars on my picture-in-picture screen. And as I watched these bloated egos and self-aggrandizing jerkoffs pat themselves on their collective back, I couldn't help but compare it to what I was viewing on my main screen: hardcore pornography.
It was in that moment that I had the following realization: mainstream art is just porn for your emotions. When you think about it, lust is an emotion just like any other. The only difference is that instead of coming out in the form of laughter or tears, it comes out in the form of cloudy goo. And if you’re really lucky, it still comes out on or in the face of a loved one: so really, it’s virtually identical to the rest of them.
Art is just a way for us to feed whatever emotions we are feeling at the moment. When you're angry, you may listen to a metal album to get it out of your system. When you're sad, you'll check out a tearjerker to have a good cry. If you need a good laugh, you watch the Zapruder film. The same goes if you need a good scare, a thrill, and so on. Art is just there to serve our emotional needs, and porn is no different.
In its own way, porn is the purest form of art. Largely because its merit isn't up for debate. Did you get your nut? "Yes." Well then the porn worked. Whereas when someone laughs at a lame sitcom or cries during an episode of Grey's Anatomy; we'll judge them and tell them they're wrong- however honest their reaction may have been. None of that with porn. If you came, it was a triumph. No thumbs up/thumbs down, no star grading system: just proof-positive that the work accomplished its goal… right there in that wad of tissues.
I don't want to seem like I'm giving porn too much undue praise here. At the end of the day, I know it's incredibly easy to produce; the people who produce it are attention-starved assholes; and ultimately, what they provide me with I can provide for myself if I really care to. But you know what? The same exact thing can be said of so called real "artists."
So, don't think of this as a tip of the hat to the porn industry. Think of this as my way of saying that creative types aren't all that important either. Ron Jeremy will never be held in the same regard as Marlon Brando, nor should he be. But you know who else shouldn't be held in the same regard as Marlon Brando? Marlon Brando. To anyone who has the ability to think and create for themselves (which is everyone, if they'd only take five seconds to realize it), porn stars and "legitimate" actors are equally useless.
Art - just like love and all other abstract concepts - is nice to have in your life, maybe even necessary. But when you get right down to it, it is cheap to come by and you can always get it from a different source.
So, to all the artists out there - be you musicians, film makers or anything else - get the fuck over yourselves. You're already obsolete; you just don't know it yet. Fortunately for you, not many other people do either. Until then...Hooray for (a world without) Hollywood.
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From: Justin L.
Sent: Thursday, February 28, 2008
Hi I am a formal high school student and your customer. I have purchased many cloths from tshirthell.com and i was wondering if the state government or other people have right to force me to take off my t-shirt that has inappropriate symbols, such as, nudity, gang, and violent picture, just because they are offended by these symbols.
I was wondering what are the limits to the first amendment in clothing. Could you please help me define the limit of first amendment in clothing? Thank you very much.
Editor's Note: Excellent question, Justin. Nutjobs on the left and right are so busy hiding behind the first amendment to spout their bullshit that we sometimes forget there are exceptions. You may not use your speech to incite a riot or any other criminal behavior. For example, you cannot shout "Fire!" in a crowded theater. Unless the theater is screening an Adam Sandler movie. In that case, being trampled by a rioting mob is considered slightly less objectionable to watching the film.
And it goes without saying that you can't threaten the President's life. Unless you're the President's wife and you hold a frying pan and use an exaggerated Italian accent while you do it. "Ay, you no clean-a the office all day! I'm-a gonna kill you!" Yeah, that's exactly how that'd sound.
The thing that most defenders of the first amendment don't seem to understand is that it isn't a question of whether or not the government has a right to deprive you of a basic freedom. It's whether or not they WILL. That is why America is so great.
Of course the government can silence us whenever they want. They have a fucking army at their disposal, for God's sake. But fortunately, we are free to say anything we want because at the end of the day, our words are meaningless. If your funny little blog or your cute little protest had the power to change a damn thing, the Secret Service could make you disappear in seventeen seconds. But you mean nothing, so they let you go on pretending you're a threat. "Oh no! The Daily Kos has revealed there was no link between 9-11 and Iraq. I'm shaking now. You wanna pass the potatoes, Laura?"
So, to you and anyone else who questions free speech in this country, don't confuse your RIGHT to do something with your ABILITY to do something. Now buy every single shirt we produce. And "don't" use them to pass coded messages to Communist spies.
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From: Patricia J.
Sent: Friday, February 29, 2008
Subject: receipt message
Hi, my name is Patricia. I just found a receipt from your store catalog...i suspect because it is a mail order thing. i don't apreciate the heading on this. "Here's your blanking receipt." I don't think i want that receipt put in anything else thats ordered by my daughter. This is just...its an invasion of what i talk around my house. we don't talk this kind of stuff. please contact me about this matter.
Editor's Note: My sincerest apologies, Patricia. Clearly the English language is highly important to you. Just try to be more forgiving of those of us who didn't attend Harvard and double major in Word-Makin' and Speakin' Gooder.
I'd hate to think our simple little receipt filled your house with any kind of negative energy right before you sat down to your dinner of Cheetos, Twinkies and Mr. Pibb (or the store-brand equivalent of those products.)
Apologies aside, I think your daughter is the one you need to be talking to. You probably have around twelve, so just pick one and speak to her. Tell her to do her online shopping from more reputable companies in the future. Tell her it is not a corporation's responsibility to babysit the mistake made by a drunken truck driver and a 35-year-old stripper who wants to feel sexy again.
But, most importantly, tell her you only want what's best for her, and that's why you're doing this. And then, you know, blow your brains out.
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From: Tyson O.
Sent: Friday, February 29, 2008
Dear T-Shirt Hell,
As an avid follower of your .com company, I am usually impressed with the materials that find their way to your page. The shirts have a certain gene Sequa about them and in general terms are rather humorous; having said that, I am inquiring as to the Joke that is the new Idaho Shirt. I have lived in Idaho for the entirety of my natural born life. Idaho lends some of the most beautiful land to this nation along with the cliché yet prominent potato production.
In fact Idaho potato farms provide a large majority of the potatoes for McDonalds, an establishment which I presume your staff frequents. In addition Idaho hosts Micron, which is a leader in semi conductors, essential for the computer that you use to run your company. There are a host of reasons that I could spew in this e-mail that may allow you to see the beauty and importance of Idaho; but I refrain as to not make you feel inferior for living in another state.
I stated earlier I wish to know what the shirt means, due to the fact there is no reason for Idaho to be "fucked". I am eagerly seeking a response and hope to one day join in the joke with the non-Idahoans abroad.
With great respect and humility,
The Idahoan in the dark
Editor's Note: You mean Idaho is a real place? I had heard stories, but I never wanted to believe them. I just assumed we were making a joke about a fictional land that may as well have been called "Retardistan." If I had known Idaho was an actual state...well, we still would've made the shirt, but it would've been honest rather than ironic.
But seriously, if there is anything sadder than patriotism it's statriotism. At least patriotism makes sense in terms of war, the economy and which country is the home of Valerie Bertinelli. Statriotism, on the other hand, is just another example of one of the herd trying to make himself feel like an individual. The only difference between an asshole in New York and an asshole in St. Louis is which baseball team he cheers for. If you're going to have state pride, you might as well be proud of your proximity to a vacuum repair shop.
Having said that, Oklahoma fucking blows.
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From: Glen S.
Sent: Sunday, March 02, 2008
Subject: All the Hillary shirts
I've noticed that all of your new shirts over the past year or so have all been about Hillary. I bet they sell great. Pfffffffffffffft!!!!!!!!! You guys were fun while you were in business. Much success on your next venture; this ones over.
Editor's Note: Taking shots at one of the most despised women in America during an election year? What were we thinking? We better stop making shirts about sex, drugs, and alcohol, too. From now on, we're all about cookies, chimneys and Wilford Brimley. Just let me pass this important info along to my boss.
Oh, wait a minute… I’m actually not retarded.
I’m sorry we sell stuff that people actually want to buy. I'm sure if you had your druthers we'd only make shirts about you, your mom and your job. What? You live by yourself in a shitty little apartment with no friends, or job? And you never met your mom because she traded you for a stick of gum when you were 6 months old? Man, how come I didn’t see that coming? So, they would just be shirts about you then? I don’t know what to say. What do you have to say about all this, Senator Clinton? "[Roaring sounds] Mama wants some snatch!"
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[The Big Fin...ger Me]
Idle hands are the Devil's plaything. That's why I keep my hands busy strangling priests.