This year's Academy Awards ceremony has come and gone, and Martin Scorsese finally got his much-deserved Oscar. It's about time. Everyone knows he should've won for Kundun and Bringing Out the Dead.

In political news, the 2008 presidential race is really heating up. And if early poll numbers are any indication, it looks like the White House could be smelling like watermelon and chicken any day now. On the other hand, maybe Hillary will lose. Before I move on, I'd like to wish everyone a Happy St. Patrick's Day. Or, as my dad calls it, "Today's Excuse."

Remember a few weeks ago when Jesus descended from Heaven and started raping nuns all over the place? Well regardless, we found the shirts he left behind and decided to sell them as our own.

Included in this group is a shirt for people that like the good kind of chick flicks and a shirt that gives the perfect instructions to anyone that doesn't press one for English.

There's also a brand-new baby shirt, so go ahead and buy that. At least that way the homeless guy that discovers your baby in the dumpster can have a laugh before he eats it. Check out all of these and many more.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt_030507_news.htm

Here's the deal, Britney. I don't blame you. It's not your fault you had terrible parents that pushed you into show business. It's not your fault that we bought all of your shitty music. It's not your fault we kept talking about you and snapping pictures of you even after you stopped making albums. It's really not even your fault that you were a bad mother. I mean, you don't get mad at a retard for dry-humping a watermelon and taking a dump in the middle of Wal-Mart.

This is all on us, the American public. With every abortion of an album that we bought and with every magazine we purchased just because you were slapped on the cover, we helped ensure that you would eventually become the mayor of Crazy Skanksville. This is all our fault, and I would like to apologize on behalf of the entire country.

Having said all of that...PLEASE kill yourself. As I have already clearly stated, you didn't get yourself into this mess. But you're the only one who can get you out of this mess. If you leave us to our own devices, we're just going to keep discussing you for no good reason. Every time you eat a Starburst or paint your toenails a new color, we'll be there to take pictures and turn it into a weeklong gab session.

So, to repeat, PLEASE kill yourself. It's clear that none of us are going to help you. Because the only way we can help you is to leave you alone, and as I'm sure you're already aware, we're incapable of that.

But I'm not asking this of you for your own sake. I'm asking you to do this for the sake of the entire nation. We're slowly being crushed to death under the weight of our own ignorance and stupidity, and it's up to you to save us. I mean, I can't tell you the name of my state's congressman, but I know virtually everything you've done for the past five years. In short, help us help ourselves. The only way you can get us to move on to more important things is to get rid of yourself. Sometimes even that doesn't help, as Anna Nicole's corpse can attest to, but you should at least try.

How you do it is up to you. Hang yourself, jump off a building, take an entire bottle of pills, divorce an ex-football player. I don't care how you do it, just get it done.

And don't mistake this for pity. I'm not trying to say 'Oh, leave the poor girl alone.' Not only do you not deserve pity, it also wouldn't do you any good. If anything, pity would just get you addicted to a different form of attention. Right now you're being barraged with mockery and scorn. And throwing pity into that mix would be like trying to get someone off of heroin by getting them hooked on crack. So don't confuse my request as pity. This is simply a plea for you to do what's best for everyone involved.

And that goes for all of you starlets, not just Britney. Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, the Olsen twins and all the rest. As is the case with Britney, none of you are responsible for this. You're just young, dumb people doing what any young, dumb people would do if they had fame and fortune. When you get right down to it, WE are the problem, but YOU can be the solution. So grab a razor and get to slashing...for a brighter tomorrow.

(Note: If Britney has already killed herself by the time you read this, it would be fucking awesome.)

Comments (42) - View Comments - Add A Comment

-----Original Message-----

From: Kareem K.

Sent: Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Subject: Baby Hell: F!#K THE MILK, WHERE'S THE WHISKY TITS?

Hello, T-Shirt hell people. Just wondering: should there not be an 'and' in between the "WHISKY" and the "TITS" on this baby's T-Shirt? If you rectified this mistake, I might buy this for my nephew's birthday and put him up on the Whores section of your site :-)

I'm grateful that you will be silently thanking me for pointing out this obvious error in your shirt. I'm sure this will hasten your decision to fire Pepe the retarded nitwit of a shirt designer and speed your employment of Maria, the Mexican firebomb who you'll employ for $1.01 and hour to do your ritualistic administration and water bondage duties.

P.S. I love it when you cuss off people's hate mail! Can you do this for my email as well? Cheers!

Kaz, London, UK

Editor's Note: Don't worry. I'm not responding to this email simply because this guy asked me to. I'm responding to it because he just happens to be a fucking moron. I'm disappointed when a fan is an idiot, but sadly, it happens.

Anyway, as I'm sure everyone but this dumbass is already aware of, the shirt reads correctly. At least to those of us who know what humor and adjectives are.

Kareem, the shirt is meant to suggest that the baby wants breasts that dispense whiskey instead of milk. The baby doesn't want whiskey AND tits. I suppose confusion set in for you because there's no such thing as tits that lactate whiskey. That's what makes it a joke.The prospect of breasts producing whiskey is ridiculous and, therefore, humorous.

And for future reference, Henny Youngman doesn't really want you to take his wife. I would apologize to you for being so patronizing, but I don't think you're even aware that I was patronizing you. Regardless, congrats on making it into the newsletter. Now go wrap your mouth around the end of a gun and pull the trigger. No, the other end.

Comments (33) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Dios  03/05/07 11:18 pm

And this is proof that some retards actually like t-shirthell.com I do not understand how anyone could not have gotten that, it defies human logic (much like my grammar)

Mustard Dick  03/06/07 12:17 am

Forget the fact that this bedwetter has no sense of humor. He needs his ass fucked with a flaming 4x4 post for making the little smiley face. Why do people do this? It really makes me want to repeatedly stab a puppy with a fork in front of school children. Screw you limey.

Buzz  03/06/07 8:04 am

:o)

ATX  03/06/07 9:46 am

As much as I don't want to admit it, Mustard Dick is right. That smiley face continues to allow me to make fun of Brits and stereotype them until the day I die. Congrats on being a douchebag and can someone please provide this guy with a gun so he can fucking end himself? Thank you.

ballz  03/06/07 12:26 pm

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=whiskey tits

Shortbuss  03/06/07 12:57 pm

that's hilarious. god damn do i love this news letter.

Smart Ass MoFo  03/06/07 1:09 pm

I hate all those dumb fucks that just post a web address in their comment. Nothing else, jst a web address. I mean seriously, how much of a fucking loser do you have to be to scour the internet to find shit like this? Get a life you fucking loser

GW  03/06/07 1:35 pm

That fucking limey piece of shit is not only a fucking moron but also his name sounds like a sand nigger's name name kareem. Let me tell you something, make fun of mexicans now, but when we are making all of you camel jockeys our slaves, I'll have the last laugh. ;)

J  03/06/07 2:47 pm

I'm guessing that GW is a yank. Typical illiterate inbred cousin of ours. Does nobody else see that Kaz's satirical comment is a subversive attack on the very heart of the hatemail page, the general (American) public. I'm young but even I can tell who the intelligent people that write in are, what they are attempting to portray and, most importantly, why it is funny. I would like to say that the editor of T-shirt hell, along with Seth macFarlane, Matt Groening and the other two admirable Americans (that escape me at the moment) are not Americans at all, but have brains that surmount the usual "haw haw, he said 'dick' on TeeVee" humour and may infact be from somewhere with a higher overall IQ. Antarctica for instance, but alas, I know it not to be true.

Felltablet  03/06/07 3:54 pm

I thought it was obviously satirical until the poor mexican humor was introduced (a shift away from the arrogant tone). Eiether way fun results.

fixing lazyness  03/06/07 4:38 pm

for those too lazy to CLICK the link.... 1. whiskey tits 12 up, 7 down

the dream of a baby, to have a mother whose tits dispense whiskey as opposed to the tradional milk. If evolution occuredthen for a lactose intollerant baby this would happen

the baby and the father are fighting over the mother's whiskey tits.

Moribundi  03/06/07 8:53 pm

I love the Brits. What sour puss fucking people you are. You're so apt to call Americans stupid, yet you're the one that lives on a little shitty Island out in the Atlantic, full of ugly, inbred, dryly sarcastic half-wits with the social acumen of a microwaved dildo. "Hark, the yanks are rutting again. Someone come and beat me about my stupid and pretentious Brit face, and then expel onto a plate so that I might eat it!"
At least that's what your mom said.

Anyways, we know your the superior culture. With all the British accomplishments in the last hundred or so years, all the wars you've won, and the fact that you still have a royal family, you guys are just fantastic! Eat a dick, mate. Fuck Ireland... Er... England.

kelleyann  03/06/07 10:18 pm

I love you, Mustard Dick (above)

J  03/06/07 10:54 pm

I love the brits too, mate (or Poms as WE call 'em) but they can't play cricket for toffee.
Why is it that when my hopes are built up by a great intro I am time-and-again disappointed by the body of the text. In this case over-usage of swear words and unimaginitive, poorly thought through put downs (suggesting an inability to properly express herself maybe?).
Moribundi, please put down your "pre-teens guide to playground cussing", never come-back with a "yo mama" joke to anyone (we're not 11 anymore), and try not to act on impulse like this again. Next time think your reply through, analyse the possible nationality of your victim and try not throw meaningless abuse for abuses sake. Or in American "shut the fuck up you retard-shit-fucker, suck your fucking moms cock, you have a shitty country, Canada (haha Its close to his country so he'll be offended) and you're all fat fu...." you get the idea.
Stop picking on countries smaller than yours, I just know your following in your great leader's footsteps but its not nice.

Britny  03/07/07 12:47 am

it's kind of sad when you have to explain the humor. it makes it a tiny bit less humorous.

Tara  03/07/07 11:24 am

gay

The Truth  03/07/07 11:50 am

J, I'm sure that in your head America is a land of retarded hicks. And there are states where that may be true. However, we don't have a national tradition of inbreeding like our cousins across the pond.

That put aside, you are very well written, and good for you. That is the prettiest looking ignorance I've seen in a long time. The original E-Mail is simply a Brit not getting American humor (humour). Could be because he's a Brit, but it's probably just because he's stupid. Yes, stupid people exist in England. It's sad, but it's the truth.

P  03/07/07 12:04 pm

yeh J, shut the fuck up. he is retarded for not getting it, and you damn well know it. now go post on a european blog somewhere, stop polluting ours

J  03/07/07 12:41 pm

You still haven't worked out the Pom comment guys? It's what we call Brits (Limeys?) in Australia.

We may well have inbreeding and stupidity here too (as well as England and every other country on this planet) but I would still like to stand by my comment on the immature humour of much of the posting community, this site inparticular (although the Ed seems capably intelligent).

I admit my own ignorance and accept that two wrongs dont make a right, this is how wars are started afterall, but wanted to see if the same sort of thoughtless comments made about Kaz would be acceptable, directed towards the US.

The Truth, I enjoyed your post and agree that stupidity is, indeed, everywhere. You seem like a decent upstanding citizen, free from prejudice and mindless put-downs (except for the 3rd sentence) and for this I applaud you.

Beefcake  03/07/07 3:24 pm

I'm soooooooooo pretty!

Beefacke Snickerdoodle  03/07/07 3:50 pm

J you flaming Australian Sabbertooth Crotchcricket!
Your mamma's so fat, when she sat down we had to add another country to the map. And hairy, too. Why she's soooo hairy, when she gave birth, you almost died of rugburn. Even Mustard Dick couldn't ketchup with the wet spot when he rolled her around with his friends.
You admit you are inbred, stupid and ignorant. And you criticize the maturity of this posting community you condescending, supercilious douche-bag! I think not.

Muffin  03/07/07 4:04 pm

For all you people cursing and damning the brits and auzzis or however you fucking spell it...

Muffin  03/07/07 4:06 pm

AMERICANS ARE STUPID. honestly i am an american. i live in boston. come one people dont even pronounce their "R"'s including me. now thats no stab at boston but you watch the news and hear how stuppid we sound trying to say car or dollar. >Oh and just because the british dont need a token dick or fart joke or someone being horrifically made fun in every fucking show DOSENT MEAN THAT THEY ARE BAD PEOPLE! come on i know most of you are over the age of 6. and again im not saying its not funny. its like saying that a certain type of music sucks. you cant say that because its your preference or opinion. >And who the fuck cares if i only post a link? dont read it. dont click on it. you'll live. >Also why does everyone here feel the need to use big words and make fun of people who cant spell? have you not realized the simple humor of this site? >its funny how about 11 or so comments out of this were acctually about the newletter itself. >>>the point it....Kaz is an egotistical retard who thinks that the world infact revolves around his "knowledge", for lack of a better word. he is clearly trying to point out that he is smatter then the person who made he shirt. he was being more satirical then i thought humanly possible on a fucking newsletter and it all backfired in his feebleminded face. and the whole p.s. was a sad attempt at reverse psycology. he only said that to make himself feel better when it happens and the editor feel rediculous for obeying.

Beefcake Snickerdoodle  03/07/07 4:52 pm

Muffin,
You are stupid. That is the point. You retards are all over the world. Stupidity knows no bounds. (are you "smatter than the person that made he shirt" you moronic boston r-less dork). You must feel "rediculous" about now; now go look up how to spell it you mindless boob. And while you're at it, were 11 or so comments "acctually about the newletter" you dictionary-less dope. Did you award only half-credit for some posts?
I'd also suggest you learn to use a contraction, but you'd probably think I'm talking about birth control. And by the way, rap music really sucks, just like you.

marbles  03/07/07 7:30 pm

it is funny how after a few comments it all just turns into a blog fight, hell i dont even remeber what the letter said ha, but muffin speak for yourself im american and i im not stupid. then again you did say you are from boston so its not your fault totally. you come from a place where if you see a light bright of a cartoon space invader flipping the bird you call the bomb squad. no more light brights for boston kids, not that you could figure out how to use them

christy  03/09/07 9:55 am

wow dude ur dumb im a woman n i got this gawd so men r retards but its not your fault u dont have the x cromison

Beefcake Snickerdoodle  03/09/07 1:58 pm

Christy,
You need some Beefcake Snickerdoodle.

Mustard Dick  03/09/07 3:13 pm

Muffin, you are from Boston, not America. I have been there and on a one to ten shithole scale that place is a 9. The only thing worse than Boston is St Louis. It is undeniably clear to all of us that you are also as bad an offender of internet blog posting tomfoolery as this bleeding rectal wart Kaz. I mean really. What the fuck is this>? Is it your little pet alligator? Is it where a thought registered in your puny fucking brain? It just looks stupid. Also noted. Only a person who has trouble getting their point across or lacks confidence in themselves needs to put "words" in quotations. Quit it. America was built on dick and fart jokes, well that and American Indian graves and I hate whatever kind of music you like so there. Now get back in the kitchen and do some dishes before I tell your husband or domestic partner to beat your ass. J mind you fucking business on your own continent and stay the fuck off of mine.

Captain Canada  03/10/07 9:47 am

Wow, the only thing retarded here is this blog. Americans are not dumb fucking retarded people , just George Bush is. He is without a doubt the dumbest biggest piece of shit out there. He makes Americans look like fucking bright shining stars in the night. Remember the American people do not have t-shirts depicting them as losers , just good ol' George Bush.

J  03/11/07 12:02 pm

I'd like to thank Beefcake for perfectly illustrating my point

spunkmonkey  03/15/07 10:37 am

I like pie!

Sabuu  03/23/07 12:41 pm

I love it when a simple flaming of e-mails turns instead into an all out argument between people not at all involved with the original purpose, flaming the stupid fuck who wrote the email. Instead, it turns into an all out argument over race and national origin. Man, I love blind hate. :) there's a smiley face for the smiley haters. Also, for the "I hate people who post links" type of person, here is a link for you. Never posted here so it might show up as a link, or a picutre. I really don't care either way. It will actually amuse me more, and I'm sure piss you off to no end, if you have to edit out the html to copy the link into your address bar. On a more realistic note, at least I will sleep better at night knowing, at least the guy in the picture is a winner and probally gets more pussy then the rest of you could ever dream of. I would be in that same boat, but unlike most on this site, I have learned well from the educational shirts sold on the site. I just take that shit, and afterwards I kill horses, get black babies arrested, and last but not least, make sure to get in my daily prayers to Hitler for the purely awsome number of jews he killed. Oh, and for the person who wrote the email, maybe if it had read whiskey dick, it would have made more sense to you, since obviously you can't be bothered with putting down the cock long enough to make simple realizations about a shirt as simple to understand as that one. You saw the chance to feign some sort of hetero-sexuality, by using both Whiskey and Tits, in the same letter, and jumped on the chance to prove how "Not Gay" you really are. I'm sorry to inform you though, since you were so eager to send your "correction" to TSH, you actually only showed how utterly and hopelessly homo-sexual you really are. A straight man would have just muttered, hell yeah, I want me a Whiskey Tit ! Instead you felt the need to correct the owners and designers for the obvious mistake they made not including the and. My best advice, order one of the "I support gay marriage shirts", and go down to the local truck stop for some good ole salad tossing, but make sure you assure yourself, and the underaged boy you'll be most eagerly rim jobbing, that you are most definately not gay.

Oh yeah, and I like cake.

beagle  07/06/07 10:26 pm

fuckedy fuck fuck fuck ey. love 2 hate the fucktards that think any of their comments wil make a change in life. if your reading this maybe you should take a page out of 'sudam insane' (yes thats a pun) and fuck'n hang yaself 4 you are the main contributor 2 global warming. knock knock fuck off.

-----Original Message-----

From: Ian O.

Sent: Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Subject: Shirts

While I find your shirts way funny, the god having gay sex one is too much. I'm pretty sure I'd punch anyone in the face caught wearing such an offensive shirt.

Editor's Note: Are you telling me you would punch God in the face? Because he ordered one of these last week, and I don't think he'd be cool with a twat like you punching him in the face. (Note: It was incredibly hard to find a shirt in size "omnipotent")

But God aside, I highly doubt you'd punch anyone in the face if you saw them wearing this shirt.

As is the case with most douchebags, you talk a good (retarded) game, but you could never muster up the courage to act on your desires because your courage has long since drowned in a sea of faulty chromosomes.

I'm guessing if you ever see this shirt in public, you'll just turn your head and maybe pee your pants. But you don't have to worry about that happening, because anyone that buys this shirt is awesome and they stab losers in the face before they get a chance to read it. Now, if you don't mind, I've got to go form a daisy chain with God.

Comments (18) - View Comments - Add A Comment

-----Original Message-----

From: master comander

Sent: Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Subject: funny shirts

I couldn't stop laughing reading your shirts, and I was going to blow a hundred bucks on Xmas gifts to friends. Then I read your two shirts about Hitler. That's not funny. That's just plain disgusting. I wouldn't spent a dime with you.

Editor's Note: So there are multiple reasons you won't be spending a dime on us. The first being that we don't accept dimes as payment. We only accept Visa, MasterCard, and bags of Jew-teeth.

Regardless, I'm sorry that we're losing your business. It's rare that we get a high-ranking official as a customer. A "master comander," no less. Apparently you're not the master comander in charge of spelling or using verbs in the proper tense.

I only have one question for you. How did our shirts make you laugh in the first place? You said you were laughing while reading our shirts, but that seems like the kind of action a person with a sense of humor would do. Is your idea of reading to look at words and imagine that the letters are ducks farting underwater? Or were you unknowingly being tickled by the drool dribbling down your chest as you read them?

Whatever the case, it sucks that you won't be blowing a hundred bucks on our shirts. I guess you'll have to blow it on candy corn, Play-Doh, staples and whatever else retards put on their sandwiches instead.

Comments (27) - View Comments - Add A Comment

-----Original Message-----

From: Matt B.

Sent: Sunday, December 03, 2006

Subject: t shirt

YOUR "REMEMBER 4/20" SHIRT IS THE MOST DISRESPECTFUL THINH I HAVE EVER SEEN. YOU IDIOTS HAVE THE BALLS TO MOCK THE GREATES TRAGEDY TO EVER TAKE PLACE ON AMERICAN SOIL 5 YEARS AGO! I AM A FREQUENT VISITOR TO YOUR SITE BUT NO MORE! I AM ASHAMED OF MYSELF FOR ALL THE TIMES I HAVE RECOMMENDED UPIR SITE TO PEOPLE.

Editor's Note: I agree that a shirt mocking 9-11 is pretty disrespectful, but how about 9-11 itself? I think that might've been more disrespectful than the shirt. Or did you not see that? It was kind of fucked up. I'll send you the video.

Anyway, don't you think it's a little hypocritical of you to chastise us for spoofing 9-11 right before you call it great? Oh...wait. You probably meant great in terms of its magnitude, not in terms of how awesome it was. Which it totally was.

Good work on going with all caps, by the way. Most of the emails are like "Ahem...excuse me. I'm a dumbass. Here's my worthless opinion that only me and my imaginary cats care about." But when you use all caps it's like your email gets up on a stage and you proudly proclaim "Yes! I am a huge cock! I gladly waste precious oxygen and resources that would be put to better use by houseplants and derelicts!"

And thanks for letting us know you won't be visiting the site anymore. I'm assuming this will put an end to all those curious emails we get where people ask us why they can't taste the shirts when they lick the screen. Later, sack of shit that all the other sacks of shit laugh at.

Comments (44) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Jerry Collins - A.K.A. The End

"Thank God Almighty, we're free at last!" That means free to embarrass ourselves with rap music and bling, right?

Peace