This year's Academy Awards ceremony has come and gone, and Martin Scorsese finally got his much-deserved Oscar. It's about time. Everyone knows he should've won for Kundun and Bringing Out the Dead.
In political news, the 2008 presidential race is really heating up. And if early poll numbers are any indication, it looks like the White House could be smelling like watermelon and chicken any day now. On the other hand, maybe Hillary will lose.
Before I move on, I'd like to wish everyone a Happy St. Patrick's Day. Or, as my dad calls it, "Today's Excuse."
Remember a few weeks ago when Jesus descended from Heaven and started raping nuns all over the place? Well regardless, we found the shirts he left behind and decided to sell them as our own.
Included in this group is a shirt for people that like the good kind of chick flicks and a shirt that gives the perfect instructions to anyone that doesn't press one for English.
There's also a brand-new baby shirt, so go ahead and buy that. At least that way the homeless guy that discovers your baby in the dumpster can have a laugh before he eats it. Check out all of these and many more.
All of our new shirts are here:
Here's the deal, Britney. I don't blame you. It's not your fault you had terrible parents that pushed you into show business. It's not your fault that we bought all of your shitty music. It's not your fault we kept talking about you and snapping pictures of you even after you stopped making albums. It's really not even your fault that you were a bad mother. I mean, you don't get mad at a retard for dry-humping a watermelon and taking a dump in the middle of Wal-Mart.
This is all on us, the American public. With every abortion of an album that we bought and with every magazine we purchased just because you were slapped on the cover, we helped ensure that you would eventually become the mayor of Crazy Skanksville. This is all our fault, and I would like to apologize on behalf of the entire country.
Having said all of that...PLEASE kill yourself. As I have already clearly stated, you didn't get yourself into this mess. But you're the only one who can get you out of this mess. If you leave us to our own devices, we're just going to keep discussing you for no good reason. Every time you eat a Starburst or paint your toenails a new color, we'll be there to take pictures and turn it into a weeklong gab session.
So, to repeat, PLEASE kill yourself. It's clear that none of us are going to help you. Because the only way we can help you is to leave you alone, and as I'm sure you're already aware, we're incapable of that.
But I'm not asking this of you for your own sake. I'm asking you to do this for the sake of the entire nation. We're slowly being crushed to death under the weight of our own ignorance and stupidity, and it's up to you to save us. I mean, I can't tell you the name of my state's congressman, but I know virtually everything you've done for the past five years. In short, help us help ourselves. The only way you can get us to move on to more important things is to get rid of yourself. Sometimes even that doesn't help, as Anna Nicole's corpse can attest to, but you should at least try.
How you do it is up to you. Hang yourself, jump off a building, take an entire bottle of pills, divorce an ex-football player. I don't care how you do it, just get it done.
And don't mistake this for pity. I'm not trying to say 'Oh, leave the poor girl alone.' Not only do you not deserve pity, it also wouldn't do you any good. If anything, pity would just get you addicted to a different form of attention. Right now you're being barraged with mockery and scorn. And throwing pity into that mix would be like trying to get someone off of heroin by getting them hooked on crack. So don't confuse my request as pity. This is simply a plea for you to do what's best for everyone involved.
And that goes for all of you starlets, not just Britney. Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, the Olsen twins and all the rest. As is the case with Britney, none of you are responsible for this. You're just young, dumb people doing what any young, dumb people would do if they had fame and fortune. When you get right down to it, WE are the problem, but YOU can be the solution. So grab a razor and get to slashing...for a brighter tomorrow.
(Note: If Britney has already killed herself by the time you read this, it would be fucking awesome.)
Comments (42) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: Kareem K.
Sent: Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Subject: Baby Hell: F!#K THE MILK, WHERE'S THE WHISKY TITS?
Hello, T-Shirt hell people. Just wondering: should there not be an 'and' in between the "WHISKY" and the "TITS" on this baby's T-Shirt? If you rectified this mistake, I might buy this for my nephew's birthday and put him up on the Whores section of your site :-)
I'm grateful that you will be silently thanking me for pointing out this obvious error in your shirt. I'm sure this will hasten your decision to fire Pepe the retarded nitwit of a shirt designer and speed your employment of Maria, the Mexican firebomb who you'll employ for $1.01 and hour to do your ritualistic administration and water bondage duties.
P.S. I love it when you cuss off people's hate mail! Can you do this for my email as well? Cheers!
Kaz, London, UK
Editor's Note: Don't worry. I'm not responding to this email simply because this guy asked me to. I'm responding to it because he just happens to be a fucking moron. I'm disappointed when a fan is an idiot, but sadly, it happens.
Anyway, as I'm sure everyone but this dumbass is already aware of, the shirt reads correctly. At least to those of us who know what humor and adjectives are.
Kareem, the shirt is meant to suggest that the baby wants breasts that dispense whiskey instead of milk. The baby doesn't want whiskey AND tits. I suppose confusion set in for you because there's no such thing as tits that lactate whiskey. That's what makes it a joke.The prospect of breasts producing whiskey is ridiculous and, therefore, humorous.
And for future reference, Henny Youngman doesn't really want you to take his wife. I would apologize to you for being so patronizing, but I don't think you're even aware that I was patronizing you. Regardless, congrats on making it into the newsletter. Now go wrap your mouth around the end of a gun and pull the trigger. No, the other end.
Comments (33) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: Ian O.
Sent: Wednesday, November 29, 2006
While I find your shirts way funny, the god having gay sex one is too much. I'm pretty sure I'd punch anyone in the face caught wearing such an offensive shirt.
Editor's Note: Are you telling me you would punch God in the face? Because he ordered one of these last week, and I don't think he'd be cool with a twat like you punching him in the face. (Note: It was incredibly hard to find a shirt in size "omnipotent")
But God aside, I highly doubt you'd punch anyone in the face if you saw them wearing this shirt.
As is the case with most douchebags, you talk a good (retarded) game, but you could never muster up the courage to act on your desires because your courage has long since drowned in a sea of faulty chromosomes.
I'm guessing if you ever see this shirt in public, you'll just turn your head and maybe pee your pants. But you don't have to worry about that happening, because anyone that buys this shirt is awesome and they stab losers in the face before they get a chance to read it. Now, if you don't mind, I've got to go form a daisy chain with God.
Comments (18) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: master comander
Sent: Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Subject: funny shirts
I couldn't stop laughing reading your shirts, and I was going to blow a hundred bucks on Xmas gifts to friends. Then I read your two shirts about Hitler. That's not funny. That's just plain disgusting. I wouldn't spent a dime with you.
Editor's Note: So there are multiple reasons you won't be spending a dime on us. The first being that we don't accept dimes as payment. We only accept Visa, MasterCard, and bags of Jew-teeth.
Regardless, I'm sorry that we're losing your business. It's rare that we get a high-ranking official as a customer. A "master comander," no less. Apparently you're not the master comander in charge of spelling or using verbs in the proper tense.
I only have one question for you. How did our shirts make you laugh in the first place? You said you were laughing while reading our shirts, but that seems like the kind of action a person with a sense of humor would do. Is your idea of reading to look at words and imagine that the letters are ducks farting underwater? Or were you unknowingly being tickled by the drool dribbling down your chest as you read them?
Whatever the case, it sucks that you won't be blowing a hundred bucks on our shirts. I guess you'll have to blow it on candy corn, Play-Doh, staples and whatever else retards put on their sandwiches instead.
Comments (27) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: Matt B.
Sent: Sunday, December 03, 2006
Subject: t shirt
YOUR "REMEMBER 4/20" SHIRT IS THE MOST DISRESPECTFUL THINH I HAVE EVER SEEN. YOU IDIOTS HAVE THE BALLS TO MOCK THE GREATES TRAGEDY TO EVER TAKE PLACE ON AMERICAN SOIL 5 YEARS AGO! I AM A FREQUENT VISITOR TO YOUR SITE BUT NO MORE! I AM ASHAMED OF MYSELF FOR ALL THE TIMES I HAVE RECOMMENDED UPIR SITE TO PEOPLE.
Editor's Note: I agree that a shirt mocking 9-11 is pretty disrespectful, but how about 9-11 itself? I think that might've been more disrespectful than the shirt. Or did you not see that? It was kind of fucked up. I'll send you the video.
Anyway, don't you think it's a little hypocritical of you to chastise us for spoofing 9-11 right before you call it great? Oh...wait. You probably meant great in terms of its magnitude, not in terms of how awesome it was. Which it totally was.
Good work on going with all caps, by the way. Most of the emails are like "Ahem...excuse me. I'm a dumbass. Here's my worthless opinion that only me and my imaginary cats care about." But when you use all caps it's like your email gets up on a stage and you proudly proclaim "Yes! I am a huge cock! I gladly waste precious oxygen and resources that would be put to better use by houseplants and derelicts!"
And thanks for letting us know you won't be visiting the site anymore. I'm assuming this will put an end to all those curious emails we get where people ask us why they can't taste the shirts when they lick the screen. Later, sack of shit that all the other sacks of shit laugh at.
Comments (44) - View Comments - Add A Comment
Jerry Collins - A.K.A. The End
"Thank God Almighty, we're free at last!" That means free to embarrass ourselves with rap music and bling, right?