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newsfromhell

The Early February Thing

This year's Academy Awards ceremony has come and gone, and Martin Scorsese finally got his much-deserved Oscar. It's about time. Everyone knows he should've won for Kundun and Bringing Out the Dead.

Come on Wonder Bread... you could be Vice President.

In political news, the 2008 presidential race is really heating up. And if early poll numbers are any indication, it looks like the White House could be smelling like watermelon and chicken any day now. On the other hand, maybe Hillary will lose.

Before I move on, I'd like to wish everyone a Happy St. Patrick's Day. Or, as my dad calls it, "Today's Excuse."


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New Shirts

Remember a few weeks ago when Jesus descended from Heaven and started raping nuns all over the place? Well regardless, we found the shirts he left behind and decided to sell them as our own.

Included in this group is a shirt for people that like the good kind of chick flicks and a shirt that gives the perfect instructions to anyone that doesn't press one for English.

There's also a brand-new baby shirt, so go ahead and buy that. At least that way the homeless guy that discovers your baby in the dumpster can have a laugh before he eats it. Check out all of these and many more.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt_030507_news.htm


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Hit yourself one more time.

Check it out - she looks like PredatorHere's the deal, Britney. I don't blame you. It's not your fault you had terrible parents that pushed you into show business. It's not your fault that we bought all of your shitty music. It's not your fault we kept talking about you and snapping pictures of you even after you stopped making albums. It's really not even your fault that you were a bad mother. I mean, you don't get mad at a retard for dry-humping a watermelon and taking a dump in the middle of Wal-Mart.

This is all on us, the American public. With every abortion of an album that we bought and with every magazine we purchased just because you were slapped on the cover, we helped ensure that you would eventually become the mayor of Crazy Skanksville. This is all our fault, and I would like to apologize on behalf of the entire country.

Oops.Having said all of that...PLEASE kill yourself. As I have already clearly stated, you didn't get yourself into this mess. But you're the only one who can get you out of this mess. If you leave us to our own devices, we're just going to keep discussing you for no good reason. Every time you eat a Starburst or paint your toenails a new color, we'll be there to take pictures and turn it into a weeklong gab session.

So, to repeat, PLEASE kill yourself. It's clear that none of us are going to help you. Because the only way we can help you is to leave you alone, and as I'm sure you're already aware, we're incapable of that.

I did it again.But I'm not asking this of you for your own sake. I'm asking you to do this for the sake of the entire nation. We're slowly being crushed to death under the weight of our own ignorance and stupidity, and it's up to you to save us. I mean, I can't tell you the name of my state's congressman, but I know virtually everything you've done for the past five years. In short, help us help ourselves. The only way you can get us to move on to more important things is to get rid of yourself. Sometimes even that doesn't help, as Anna Nicole's corpse can attest to, but you should at least try.

How you do it is up to you. Hang yourself, jump off a building, take an entire bottle of pills, divorce an ex-football player. I don't care how you do it, just get it done.

And don't mistake this for pity. I'm not trying to say 'Oh, leave the poor girl alone.' Not only do you not deserve pity, it also wouldn't do you any good. If anything, pity would just get you addicted to a different form of attention. Right now you're being barraged with mockery and scorn. And throwing pity into that mix would be like trying to get someone off of heroin by getting them hooked on crack. So don't confuse my request as pity. This is simply a plea for you to do what's best for everyone involved.

Hey girls.  Here's a sandwich.And that goes for all of you starlets, not just Britney. Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, the Olsen twins and all the rest. As is the case with Britney, none of you are responsible for this. You're just young, dumb people doing what any young, dumb people would do if they had fame and fortune. When you get right down to it, WE are the problem, but YOU can be the solution. So grab a razor and get to slashing...for a brighter tomorrow.

(Note: If Britney has already killed herself by the time you read this, it would be fucking awesome.)



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