It's time for March Madness! And in honor of the tournament, the opening paragraph of this newsletter will be composed of four jokes that are competing for the title of best joke. A "Final Four," if you will.
1st round - Joke #1 - Gordon Parks, the director of Shaft, recently passed away. And now he's a dead mutha . . . "SHUT YO MOUTH!" I'm just talkin' 'bout Gordon Parks. "Then we can dig it." VS. Joke #2 - Teri Hatcher recently revealed that she was abused by her uncle as a child. Damn, Teri Hatcher's uncle was a pretty sick child.
Joke #3 - Sheryl Crow recently underwent surgery for breast cancer. But don't worry. I'm confident her remaining breast will win the Tour de France next year. VS. Joke #4 - Christopher Reeves' widow, Dana, recently passed away due to lung cancer. Which is tragic, but I can't help but wonder why someone would name a horse Lung Cancer.
Finals - Shaft joke VS. Sheryl Crow joke. There's only three seconds left on the clock and the Sheryl Crow joke leads by two. The Shaft joke inbounds, lets it fly and . . . he sinks it! The Shaft joke wins!
That was exciting. But I bet the Shaft joke is going to go pro now. Damn jokes these days don't understand the importance of an education.
[When There Was One Set of Footprints, That's When New Shirts Carried You]
We have 14 new shirts to tell you about this time around, the most in newsletter history. So we are bound to have something for everyone. Unless you don't have a torso. In which case no amount of funny shirts could bring you out of your depression.
There are too many shirts to list them all here, so instead I'll just list the people that would be interested. Fat people, God, frat boys, myspace losers, identity thieves, people who want filthy whores (everyone except filthy whores), Sheryl Crow/cancer fans...fuck it. Just click on the goddamn link.
All of our new shirts are here:
If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste it into your browser.
[Hey Chocolate Girl . . . You Want Some Cream in Your Article?]
Well, it's mid-March and you know what that means. There are only 46 weeks left in the 11 months of the year that are dedicated to white history. White people often get the recognition they deserve, but is it ever really enough? We say no. That's why we'd like to dedicate this installment of the T-Shirt Hell newsletter to all the people of no color out there who slave (pun intended) day after day to make this a better world. They receive plenty of recognition already, but much the same as they are with money, too much is never enough. So for the next 46 weeks let's really give it up for the white man. And if you want to continue to celebrate the white man one or two days into February, I'm sure the coloreds will understand. And now, open your
minds and prepare to either resent or celebrate whitey more than you already do. It's time for . . .
T-SHIRT HELL CELEBRATES THE CELEBRATED
It is well-known that Frederick Douglass made great strides in advancing the anti-slavery movement, spreading his message to thousands via publishing
and other means. But did you know that I, a white man, am the one writing about him right now?
Larry Bird has won several MVP awards and NBA championships. And all without the help of those extra leg muscles.
Everyone knows that God and Jesus are white. It is also widely accepted that the devil is white. Therefore, white people have a monopoly on good AND evil. So in the war of good vs. evil, all other races are like Canada or something.
Bruce Willis is white. And Die Hard kicks ass.
If you're still reading this piece, there's a good chance you're white. And I think you're just super.
I don't want to get into a whole thing here, but I'm pretty sure George Washington Carver stole the idea for peanut butter from my great great- grandfather.
Both of the Darren's on Bewitched - white.
White people are level-headed enough that they don't get upset when someone calls them the n-word.
Harriet Tubman was one of the founding members of the Underground Railroad and helped over 300 slaves escape to freedom. But had it not been for the
white men that enslaved her, she would've never had a chance to create the Underground Railroad and she'd be unknown to us today. You're welcome
I haven't done any research on this, but I bet a white guy invented cereal.
White people hardly ever get sickle cell anemia.
I've got the greatest dad in the world. Oh, and one more thing. He's white.
Adam and Eve were white. So, along with so many other things, white people are responsible for all of humanity.
It is a common misconception that white people can't dance. The fact of the matter is, they can dance very well. They just choose not to so that black comedians have a wonderful source for material.
The white man did not steal this land from the Indians. The truth is, they shared it with us and once we killed them, it kind of became ours.
Let's be honest. All the best porn has white people in it.
Martin Luther King Jr. was at the forefront of the civil rights movement. But did you know that white government officials passed legislation that allows us to have the day off on his birthday. Or the day he died. Whatever, I just know we get the day off.
Hank Aaron may have passed Babe Ruth on the all-time home-run list, but at least Babe Ruth never tried to hit home-runs so that sick kids would get worse.
Rappers are now widely known for wearing excessive amounts of diamonds and furs, but they're hardly the first to do so. Do you know who did it first? That's right. Old white women.
Every team that has ever won the NHL championship has been comprised of white players. I know it's only hockey, but . . . never mind.
Although rap is a musical genre dominated by African-Americans, Eminem has left an indelible mark on the rap world. Through strong social commentary and clever wordplay he has made himself a part of rap history. And Vanilla Ice . . . I think he was in one of the Ninja Turtle movies.
Well, there it is. Just a little more information on the race that you can never know too much about. I hope you found that informative and have a newfound and continued respect for white people. But just because the 11 white history months come to an end doesn't mean your gratitude has to. Always remember the sacrifices made. Always remember the oppression that has given other races something to fight for. And above all else, watch your back during February.
[I Hate All My Children Equally]
From: mohamed a. Sent: Monday, February 27, 2006 10:45 AM Subject: About ur dirty site
I don't know how to talk to people like you..... I don't know whether u know prophit Mohammad (Peace be upon him) well or u don't know him thus drawing
and saying such things.......In both, I see you are totally guilty infront of God who created you and created the whole universe......... This prophit u
are mocking of is without doubt the most beloved creature by ALLAH (GOD).........I'm a muslim and I have not only the honour to be a muslim, but also I
thank GOD that He guided me to this religion, without which, people will go to hell...............The last words I will tell you......:::Save yourself
from the everlasting hell which the holy Qur'an told us about......No one can support its fire and pain......... God Almighty told us in the Qur'an
"Those who accept other religion "but not islam" will not be accepted by GOD and will be in the next life from the loosers.....I wish u can read the
qur'an and know how it's great......and read well from a trusted islamic book about prophit Muhammad..........If you won't do that, I ask God to curse
you and save us from ur evil sites and behaviour.....
(Editor's Note: Well for someone that doesn't know how to talk to people like us that sure was a long e-mail. According to your logic I beat my wife because she didn't know how to talk to me. Interesting note about your e-mail: if you replace Mohammad with Jesus, drop the Allah and switch Qur'an to Bible, it could very easily be about Christianity. It's like all religions got the same book of Mad-libs and just used different words when they got to "Name of deity" or "Name of holy book." And lastly, it's unfair of you to assume I haven't read the Koran. It just so happens that I read it last night. I was kind of surprised by how short it was. I found it in front of a Pakistani restaurant and read it in about two minutes. I really liked the ending.
The part about the wine list totally caught me off guard. Violence out, Mohamed.)
From: ran*** @ ts***.com Sent: Monday, February 27, 2006 4:17 PM Subject: breast cancer kills shirt I recently had a sister diagnosed with breast cancer and I can assure you it's nothing to joke about. Fortunately she's going to be okay after a few more weeks of treatment, but it's a very scary situation. I guarantee that if someone in your life was facing this problem you wouldn't be so quick to joke about it. Please be more considerate of others. RACHEL
(Editor's Note: It just so happens I do have someone in my life who has faced this problem. My mother went through an ordeal with breast cancer five years ago and I keep her severed breast on my mantle as a constant reminder of it. Which leads me to my first question. It may be too late, but if it's not, can I have your sister's breast when she's done with it? I'm looking to start a collection and it's a little humiliating just having the one breast. I tell everyone that I'm starting a cancerous breast collection and they get all excited and ask to see it, only to be disappointed when they see that solitary breast. So when she's done send it on over, if you don't mind. And if my voodoo doll works I'll be asking for yours in a matter of weeks. I'd be
willing to pay a lot for that one. In the world of cancerous breast collecting, the breast of the smelly-snatched dumb whore is incredibly rare. It's like a Babe Ruth rookie card.)
From: Khalida M. Sent: Monday, February 27, 2006 9:04 AM Subject: shirt
I recently came across a tee shirt you're selling on your website that just makes me sad. I normally love humor, especially dark humor, but this is
pathetic and wrong. the shirt that states "nothing runs like a queer" and shows three guys with baseball bats chasing an effeminate person down with
baseball bats elicits unnecessary violence. what's the difference between you spreading hate and violence and terrorists who do the same?
(Editor's Note: I'd tell you what the difference is, but there isn't one. Because we happen to be terrorists. I don't know why you jumped to the conclusion that we weren't, but rest assured, we are. So I answered your question. Now let me ask you one. You say you love dark humor, and yet you are upset by a shirt that rates an eight on our "offense-ometer" at best. So my question is, if this goes too far, what exactly did you consider dark humor before? The Tom & Jerry where Tom gets hit on the head with a bowling ball? Or the Family Circus where Jeffy says "pasgetti and meatballs"? If every goddamn asshole in this country is going to define an episode of According to Jim as "dark," we've got a problem on our hands. But maybe you're right. Maybe we should take every shirt we have that might possibly offend someone and replace them with a series of shirts that have bunnies on them. But then
we'd just be pissing off people whose families were murdered and raped by bunnies. We're fucked no matter what we do. My suggestion to you - get the fuck
over it and don't dwell on a T-Shirt long enough to write an e-mail. This may seem like a strange concept to you, but people that aren't uptight cunts do
it all the time. And it just might work for you too. Godspeed and lick my balls, Khalida.)
From: sherif m. Sent: Sunday, February 26, 2006 6:31 PM Subject: why your t-shirts are impolite .......!!
to carry on propaganda for the dirty t shirt you will be degraded god willing
(Editor's Note: Okay, I've had enough. I'm going to come clean so we can put this Muhammad bullshit behind us once and for all. I've wanted to kill
myself for quite a while, but just haven't had the guts to do it. Every time I climb up to the roof I chicken out and get off of my car. And each time I
put the gun in my mouth I just end up shooting whoever happens to be walking through the halls of that kindergarten at the time. And that brings me to my
point. I put up those Muhammad shirts so a Muslim would kill me. I figure if I can't bring myself to do the job, I'll piss off someone who will. But no
dice. So far all you fucking pussies have done is write pointless e-mails and make empty threats. I'm sure you feel like a big man when you're at your
computer writing "You will die by my hand," but the bottom line is, until you muster up the courage to strap a bomb to your chest and hunt me down, Allah
and Muhammad will view you as the inconsequential pussy that you are. So grow a pair and follow through on something, you fucking douche. I'll even send
you the bomb-making kit. Devilspeed.)
[This Is The End . . . Jim Morrison's Only Friend, The End]
Like . . . maybe this sentence is reading you. And maybe these pot brownies are eating me.