03/15/05

Celebrity Fit Club is over and now I can finally get back to gorging on Slim
Jims and Peeps followed by my purging into the mouths of Ethiopian children.
(oh boo hoo yourself... I don't see you contributing to the cause. They
gotta get their food from somewhere even if it is regurgitated from yours
truly's sexy mouth).

For all of you that don't realize by now, I was one of the fat pigs on
the show. Which one? Hint: I know that Stubby Baldwin has a 3 inch cock
(that drugged-up bitch tried to stick that tiny thing into my gaping,
chocolate hole of deliciousness) and I also know that Mia Tyler smells like
Biz Markie's balls (she loves balls). Speaking of Mia Tyler, did I mention
that she smells like Biz Markie's balls?

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These shirts are new, like my artificial hip.
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We have a great selection of six new shirts. If you've ever been a soldier,
the Pope, a geek, or a Jedi you'll love them. If you like eating pussy, or
just shitting your pants, this week we've got you covered.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt458.htm

If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste it
into your browser.

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Exclusive Michael Jackson Trial Testimony
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This is Ivan Youngblood, T-Shirt Hell's crack investigative reporter coming
to you live from the Michael Jackson trial.

First, there are a couple things I want to get off my chest.

Personally, I don't give a fuck what other people say. I like the court
room appearances. I like a man who's comfortable enough in a court room
to show up in his pajamas and just 'hang out'. I like the fact that we never
see M.J. and La Toya at the same time. I like Thai food and I love to take
bubble baths in Thai peanut sauce.

And by the way, did anybody ever stop and think about whether this kid that
he pork sexed enjoyed it? I love how it's always the adult's fault. Like
there are no fucking slutty kids.

Anyway, who cares if Michael Jackson cums in little boy's assholes, as long
as he keeps making hits!!!

OK, I have to be quiet as court is now in session.

(Michael Jackson gets out of his seat. A hush falls over the courtroom as
he moonwalks to the stand.)

Court Officer: Please place your sparkly glove on this Bible.

(The Bible bursts into flames. Jackson is sworn in. The lawyer begins his
questions.)

Attorney: Michael, tell us about your relationship with the defendant.

MJ: He's a slut. He started showing up in sexy outfits; tight little pants
and t-shirts, with little tubes in his arms. He was so bald, pale, and
slender, from the chemotherapy, it was almost more than I could take. He
looked like the kid in, "Powder". He seduced me.

Attorney: He seduced you?

MJ: Yes, he started off slow. We were in my treasure room and I was
showing him my jewelry. He wanted me to give him some, but I refused. So,
he came on to me. He said, "Michael I want a pearl necklace! Will you give
me a pearl necklace?"

Attorney: So, the boy wanted jewelry?

MJ: Maybe at first. Fortunately, I was able to restrain myself. I left
the room, and quickly jerked off to "Home Alone." But he wasn't done with
his plan of seduction.

Attorney: Please, go on.

(Michael Jackson takes out a tissue and dabs his eyes. He wipes his nose
which falls off, and lands in his lap. Everyone pretends not to notice as
he quickly puts it back on.)

MJ: I took him to my trophy room and showed him the Elephant Man's
skeleton. He asked for a piece. I said no. So he turned on the seduction.
He said, "I want to bone! I want to bone!"

Attorney: Is it possible he said, "I want a bone?"

MJ: Yeah, right. Then one day my chef was making me lunch. The little
scamp asked if he could help. I said no. So, he starts in with the sex
talk. He said, "Michael I want to toss your salad. Please, Michael; can I
toss your salad?"

Attorney: So the boy wanted to help with the first course?

MJ: What are you deaf? Again I restrained myself. Then one day I was
blowing bubbles in my private zoo.

Attorney: I assume you mean Bubbles, your pet chimp?

MJ: No, of course not. Soap bubbles! That's just another stupid, baseless
rumor. I've never blown Bubbles. I've given him a couple rim jobs, but
that's the extent of our relationship.

Attorney: I'm sorry, please continue.

MJ: Anyway, we were in my private zoo. My accuser had built me a cage,
shaped like a donkey, entirely out of candy.

Attorney: A cage, made out of candy, shaped like a donkey?

MJ: Yes, when he built it, he said he thought it would be a good place for
me to keep my oversized, prize rooster. It didn't seem practical, but he
was insistent. Then out of nowhere. I'm sorry; it's difficult for me to
continue.

Attorney: Please it's important.

MJ: He began pleading with me, "Michael, please put your big cock in my
sweet ass! I'm begging you to put your big cock in my sweet ass. Well it
was more than I could take. I'm the victim here. Honestly can you blame
me?

Attorney: I have no further questions.

MJ: Hey, why is everybody in the jury vomiting?

It's funny. On the news they said that Michael Jackson likes to drink, and
masturbate to internet porn. Who knew he was such a regular guy?

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HATE MAIL
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----- Original Message -----
From: Leann E
Sent: Wednesday, March 09, 2005 4:14 PM
Subject: Bad Shirt design

I understand your teeshirts are to raise controversy and be 'funny'. But I
can honestly say your Alzheimer's tee shirt is deffinatly not even close.
My grandpa died from this disease right in front of my eyes when I was 14
years old, and genetically it is in my family. Millions of other families
have lost family members to this disease. I understand you think this shirt
to be funny because it 'stirs things up'. But at the same time think of
those millions of people. Thank you.

(Editor's Note: I hate letters like this. Here is someone without
Alzheimer's, who has decided to speak on behalf of these people. Leann, I
don't think your opinion is representative of the Alzheimer's community.
How do I know? We have a letter right here from an actual Alzheimer's
patient.)

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From: Robert H.
Subject: Alzheimer's Shirt

I received an email from a friend of mine telling me to check out your
website. When I did, I found a t-shirt you sell, which makes fun of a very
serious condition, namely Alzheimer's Disease. This made me very angry as I
currently suffer from Alzheimer's, although I have not yet begun to show
symptoms as I am in the early stages.

Bread
Apples
Butter
Adult Diapers
½ lb Roast Beef

My Dearest Emma, it is cold here so close to the front lines and I have to
admit I'm a bit afraid. But I know I'll be home soon, as we have the
Germans on the run.

Have to sign off. I have just received an email from a friend of mine
telling me to check out a website he found called
T-ShirtHell.com. It looks like a hoot!

Sincerely

Steve

No, that's not it.

Dave? It might be Dave.

Definitely has a D in it.

(Editor's Note: See? Real Alzheimer's patients love us!)

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----- Original Message -----
From: Samuel G.
Sent: Saturday, March 12, 2005 12:19 PM
Subject: Arrest Black Babies

This is an outrage. How can you be so hurtful? Yes, you have the right to
say and feel how you like, but why be so hurtful and ugly? All people
should be valued. I feel pity for you and your soul.

(Editor's Note: I may be hurtful, but I'm certainly not ugly. I've been
compared to a younger, sexier version of Angela Bassett with the tits of
Annabella Sciorra. If all people should be valued, I think you're probably
worth about $1.98, and that is only if we sold your body to be used as a
crash test dummy, or for target practice. I'm sure your organs are
worthless from your years of addiction, and your sperm count is probably a
negative number. And don't be too concerned for my soul. It is perfectly
safe as I sold it a long time ago for a loaf of bread, 3 pieces of cheese,
and the ability to sing underwater. I know it sounds odd, but it seemed
like a good idea at the time.)

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----- Original Message -----
From: Ricky Martin
Sent: Thursday, March 10, 2005 11:30 PM
Subject: THIS IS NOT FUNNY!!!!!

I am all for making a dollar. However your shirts are extremely offensive to
any group of desent people. If you want to make this a real laugh why don't
you put a picture of you and your future children on your T-shirt and wear
it around.

(Editor's Note: Oh, you have wounded me. I am bleeding to death, sliced
open by your rapier wit. Tell me genius, how would I take a picture of my
future children? How does one take a picture of people who do not yet
exist? If this is really Ricky Martin, and I have no reason to believe it
isn't, you are the last person who should be passing judgment. There are
few things as offensive as an obviously gay man, singing about making love
to women, in broken English. If I got my hands on you, I'd shake your bon
bons until they dropped off, and then feed them to you. Good luck in your
new career opening for William Hung.)

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----- Original Message -----
From: Cindy W.
To: info@tshirthell.com
Sent: Thursday, March 10, 2005 10:15 PM
Subject: American Indians

I find this site so offensive!! You should be ashamed of yourself, selling
t-shirts like this to make a living and making a living from making fun and
hurting other peoples feelings. Native american people, Jewish people, and
other groups of people find this kind of thing offensive. They get called
dow enough and do not need more people making fun of us. I dont appreciate
it, but "What goes around, comes around" I know that you will have a bad
life for all the negativity that you show to the world. When your unhappy
think of this email and think about what your doing.

CW

(Editor's Note: Thank God someone has finally decided to stick up for the
poor American Indians, not to mention those poor, OK, wealthy Jews. But now
the Indians have casinos, so they're not really poor either. Cindy, your
letter doesn't reveal if you're a Native American, or a Jew. And your email
address "danceswithbagels.com" only adds to my confusion. But I'm going to
assume you're a Native American, as they always seem like such a dour
people. Unlike the Jews, who like nothing better than a good joke, except
perhaps for a lean pastrami sandwich. They are jokes, Cindy. They are just
funny t-shirts, not blankets infected with smallpox. Relax, and enjoy
them.)

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Tara Reid sued the owners of a Las Vegas condominium project Thursday for
using her name in an ad that appears to be a reference to the accidental
exposure of her breast last year as she posed on the red carpet. The
lawsuit alleges the ad implies that Reid, 29, intentionally let her dress
strap slip and that Sky Las Vegas is capitalizing on her misfortune by
misrepresenting her as "sexually lewd or immoral." In related news, a class
action suit has been filed against Tara Reed, on behalf of all the sexually
lewd and immoral people who do not want to be associated with her.

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