March Madness is underway! No, I'm not speaking of the sporting event. I was referring to crazy assholes in Alabama shooting a bunch of people. Not only is that a more accurate description of madness than a basketball tournament, it's also far more entertaining. Go Alabama Murdercats!*
*Honorable mention goes to that German kid. You don't qualify for our tournament, but hell of a show, you gutsy little kraut.
In actual sports news, baseball season is almost here. And thus concludes any reference to baseball I'll make until the World Series is here and I make a very similar comment.
Oh wait, I forgot about A-Rod. He'll be out until May because he injured... I'm not sure. Seeing as how he's a big cunt, I'll say he injured his cunt.
After weeks of controversy, singer/lady puncher Chris Brown was officially charged with assault and making threats last week. When asked to comment, Rihanna said "Uh... I ran into a door. A door that bites. Ahh!!! [sobbing sounds]"
Jay Leno recently announced he would be giving a free performance to people in Michigan who've lost their jobs. Or if you don't want to make your way all the way to the concert hall, you can just slam your dick in your kitchen drawer. Equally funny.
But seriously, if you just lost your job building cars, what better remedy than watching a guy be not funny for an hour and a half and realizing he's a multi-millionaire because of it? Geez, you might as well watch Paris Hilton exist for an hour.
Speaking of comedy cancer, Robin Williams recently cancelled some shows due to exhaustion. Robin Williams hasn't become exhausted. The universe's tolerance for him has.
Bernie Madoff recently plead guilty to charges that he engineered one of the largest investment scams ever. The trial was going smoothly until Madoff stopped everything and played three-card monte with the judge. Long story short, he is the King of America and everyone in Wisconsin has to go to jail.
Rush Limbaugh, professional sayer of dumb shit only said to get the attention the media always gives him, was recently at the center of a GOP-centric hullabaloo. I don't know what exactly was said and I'm too lazy to look it up, but I believe it boils down to some conservatives embracing Limbaugh and others distancing themselves from Limbaugh.
In other words, it's "fiscal responsibility and traditional morals" versus "ignorant and fucking crazy." This represents a crossroads for the Republican party. After being a laughingstock for the past eight years, it is time to either draw a hard line or embrace progress.
But if you think Limbaugh is the poster boy for this new breed of insane conservative who communicates with the dancing Jesus in his head, then you haven't heard about the newest media sensation: Glen Coulter O'Hannibaugh.
And if you think that's just a mish-mash of the names of the most popular conservative pundits I slapped together because all these assholes are interchangeable, you're dead wrong. I can assure you that Glen Coulter O'Hannibaugh is a real guy and I would like to share with you a small section of the transcript from the latest episode of his radio show: Death to Liberals and Science.
Good day, GleCOHs. Welcome to 'Death to Liberals and Science.' It is I, your liberal media watchdog, Glen-O. As always, I am on the airwaves to blow things out of proportion and blow a lot of smoke up your ass about protecting you from said things. Let's get right to the news, shall we?
Well, those pinheads in Washington have done it again. Despite all my emails and on-air lobbying, all three branches of the government have failed to do anything about my proposal to prevent Muslims and illegal immigrants from purchasing food in this country. Now I know the ACLU, or should I say ACL-Jews, would have you believe there's no harm in this; that Muslims and illegal "shame-igrants" are people just like you and me and they deserve the God-given right to food.
Well I say it's a slippery slope. Which is what I always say before I go on to say some unsubstantiated nonsense. Washington doesn't want me saying this, but allowing Muslims to buy food will destroy this country. Today Ahmed wants to buy some macaroni salad and tomorrow he's flying a plane into your daughter's vagina. Is that what you want, America? I hope letting Haji eat his Pringles makes you feel better when a 747 is jammed into little Becky's cooter.
That's about all I have time for today. I know that wasn't so much the news as it was the ignorant fear-mongering of an egomaniac, but it all pretty much amounts to the same thing when the audience isn't very smart.
Before I go, it's time for today's installment of "What Did He Just Say?" As my faithful followers know, this is when I say something degrading and/or inflammatory for the sole purpose of being discussed by a bunch of journalists who claim to be more legitimate than me, even though they often spend hours or even days discussing something I said.
Without further adieu, here is today's "What Did He Just Say?" - Martin Luther King raped babies and deserved what he got. And... Jews are just chupacabras in human suits. Next time you see a Jew, shoot it before it kidnaps and eats your wife.
Goodbye all. And remember the 'Death to Liberals and Science' motto: Frighten and pander.
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Your Adolph Hitler banner ad is in incredibly bad taste.
Editor's Note: You're right. In retrospect we should have just had Jesus mouth-raping Martin Luther King without including Hitler off to the side masturbating. But we've already put it out there and that's that.
The thing people like you don't seem to understand is that we don't make jokes about Hitler to make light of his actions or praise him. We do it to reduce his historical image to a punch line so people who would otherwise be filled with fear or anger at the very thought of him will instead be filled with laughter.
But seriously, we do it so fags like you will get your panties in a knot and whine like bitches. Hitler's only half of the equation. You being a dickhead is the other half. You're like the douchey yin to Hitler's genocidal yang.
Later, Tony Likesta Bony (dudes in the ass).
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Well... Your monthly "thing" is quite hilarious if i do say so myself, and several of your t-shirts don't necessarily cause me to L.O.L so to speak, but i do laugh about them.
However, the "men who wear sandals" shirt makes me want to grab ahold of a chunk of hair on the back of your head and continuously slam your face into the side of a brick house.
I dont understand what could possibly be funny about it, and the jerk-off who thought of it probably looks something like Michael Moore with a little more acne and wears burger king birthday boy hat to work every day. Suck my, Dick.
Editor's Note: You think the "Thing" is hilarious? Thanks a lot, man. I work really hard on it, but sometimes I wonder if I'm doing more harm than good. I mean, you put something out there and you wonder if people are going to interpret it the way you intended.
It's a tough balancing act between actual hate and satire. It's tricky because it requires genuine anger but at the same time you don't want it to spill over into something blatantly negative that's going to incite dangerous actions. But it's good to know there are people like you out there who get it. Now just let me read the rest of your email.
I WILL CUT OFF YOUR MOM'S CUNT AND FEED IT TO YOU!!!!
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From: Sally B.
You are brining our nation to an all-time low ... and reflect yourselves to being spiritually bankrupt money-makers. What a pity for you that you are not happier people ... happy people don't have the time or inclination to even imagine the place of darkness that is your world.
Editor's Note: We can't take all the credit for bringing this nation to its all-time low. Ignorant, poor people and greedy, irresponsible banks did the bulk of the work. That combined with a generally worthless system of government filled with corrupt politicians did the heavy lifting. We're just happy to be the icing on the "Shitty America" cake.
As for us being unhappy, well... I suppose you're right. No one employed by this company seems to be a naturally happy person. Thankfully, compromising any sense of morality has afforded us the ability to purchase all the booze, drugs and sluts one needs in order to achieve happiness.
"But those things are all empty and fleeting" you say? Well, I suppose that's true too. But look at this - I have enough money for a bunch of coke and whiskey. There are absolutely no flaws in my five-step method to happiness.
Step 1 - Sell shirts. Step 2 - Make money. Step 3 - Remain unhappy. Step 4 - Buy drugs and/or sex. Step 5 - HAPPY!
And on the off chance the system ever fails, there's always jumping off a building.
In summation, I don't doubt you're a happy person, but just because someone isn't happy in the same fashion as you doesn't mean theirs isn't a genuine happiness. We're all different and we all achieve happiness in different ways. I do it by selling fucked up shirts, altering my mind and fucking stuff, and you do it by... I don't know, eating cupcakes with your kitty? What the fuck do losers do?
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native americans : should have faught harder you pussies? i suggest you take that off there. theres a lot of people who get offended by that and if you havent noticed you white people had rifles and we had bows.
if you want to be like that then i think you'll be fucked cause i assure you that if you went to a native they'll tell you that you should of faught harder and cal you a pussy cause theres no way you will win a fight with them and i guarantee that they would beat your face in
Editor's Note: Me understand, Whines Like Bitch. Me make much apology for heap big jokes. Me been drunk on rubbing alcohol and high on paint thinner for many moons, so me not notice shirt make water flow like river down cheek of gay red man.
Instead of selling funny shirt, maybe me cash in on liberal guilt and sell turquoise covered crap to white man who think this shit sacred to me. Or maybe me just run gaudy casino that provide nothing positive to culture or environment while still chastising white man for his greed and materialism.
Anyway, me make it up to you. Me sell something special to red man. Send me all wampum and scalps you have and me give you magic blankets. "What make them magic?" say Whines Like Bitch. You find out, Chief of Guzzle-cum Tribe.
That all me have to say. Now go eat maize out of my shit. Oh, and go fuck a buffalo. Remember to use every orifice.
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[R.I.P. This Newsletter]
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single plane ticket.