YOU DON'T KNOW DICK BUT I'D BE GLAD TO INTRODUCE YOU
NO FAT CHICKS BEFORE 1 AM
IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT SHOW ME YOUR TITS
FUCK YOU AND THE STROLLER YOU RODE IN ON
I FUCKED THE GIRL IN HANSON
OB GYN KENOBI
WWJD FOR A KLONDIKE BAR
MELLO KITTY
SUPPORT THE FINE ARTS - SHOOT A RAPPER
IV:XX
TUBA HERO
SOMETIMES I PEE WHEN I LAUGH
SLAVERY GETS SHIT DONE
CEREAL RAPIST
BLING-BLING
FUCKING CLASSY
THIS T-SHIRT IS 100% ORGANIC
NOT TONIGHT LADIES I'M JUST HERE TO GET DRUNK
I SHOULD BE IN THE KITCHEN
WHITE FLOUR
FREE HUGS (WORLD CHAMPION SLUT HUGGER)

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WORST.GANGBANG.EVER

March Madness is underway! No, I'm not speaking of the sporting event. I was referring to crazy assholes in Alabama shooting a bunch of people. Not only is that a more accurate description of madness than a basketball tournament, it's also far more entertaining. Go Alabama Murdercats!*

*Honorable mention goes to that German kid. You don't qualify for our tournament, but hell of a show, you gutsy little kraut.

In actual sports news, baseball season is almost here. And thus concludes any reference to baseball I'll make until the World Series is here and I make a very similar comment.

Oh wait, I forgot about A-Rod. He'll be out until May because he injured... I'm not sure. Seeing as how he's a big cunt, I'll say he injured his cunt.

After weeks of controversy, singer/lady puncher Chris Brown was officially charged with assault and making threats last week. When asked to comment, Rihanna said "Uh... I ran into a door. A door that bites. Ahh!!! [sobbing sounds]"

Jay Leno recently announced he would be giving a free performance to people in Michigan who've lost their jobs. Or if you don't want to make your way all the way to the concert hall, you can just slam your dick in your kitchen drawer. Equally funny.

But seriously, if you just lost your job building cars, what better remedy than watching a guy be not funny for an hour and a half and realizing he's a multi-millionaire because of it? Geez, you might as well watch Paris Hilton exist for an hour.

Speaking of comedy cancer, Robin Williams recently cancelled some shows due to exhaustion. Robin Williams hasn't become exhausted. The universe's tolerance for him has.

Bernie Madoff recently plead guilty to charges that he engineered one of the largest investment scams ever. The trial was going smoothly until Madoff stopped everything and played three-card monte with the judge. Long story short, he is the King of America and everyone in Wisconsin has to go to jail.

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Rush Limbaugh, professional sayer of dumb shit only said to get the attention the media always gives him, was recently at the center of a GOP-centric hullabaloo. I don't know what exactly was said and I'm too lazy to look it up, but I believe it boils down to some conservatives embracing Limbaugh and others distancing themselves from Limbaugh.

In other words, it's "fiscal responsibility and traditional morals" versus "ignorant and fucking crazy." This represents a crossroads for the Republican party. After being a laughingstock for the past eight years, it is time to either draw a hard line or embrace progress.

But if you think Limbaugh is the poster boy for this new breed of insane conservative who communicates with the dancing Jesus in his head, then you haven't heard about the newest media sensation: Glen Coulter O'Hannibaugh.

And if you think that's just a mish-mash of the names of the most popular conservative pundits I slapped together because all these assholes are interchangeable, you're dead wrong. I can assure you that Glen Coulter O'Hannibaugh is a real guy and I would like to share with you a small section of the transcript from the latest episode of his radio show: Death to Liberals and Science. picture 1

Good day, GleCOHs. Welcome to 'Death to Liberals and Science.' It is I, your liberal media watchdog, Glen-O. As always, I am on the airwaves to blow things out of proportion and blow a lot of smoke up your ass about protecting you from said things. Let's get right to the news, shall we?

Well, those pinheads in Washington have done it again. Despite all my emails and on-air lobbying, all three branches of the government have failed to do anything about my proposal to prevent Muslims and illegal immigrants from purchasing food in this country. Now I know the ACLU, or should I say ACL-Jews, would have you believe there's no harm in this; that Muslims and illegal "shame-igrants" are people just like you and me and they deserve the God-given right to food.

picture 1Well I say it's a slippery slope. Which is what I always say before I go on to say some unsubstantiated nonsense. Washington doesn't want me saying this, but allowing Muslims to buy food will destroy this country. Today Ahmed wants to buy some macaroni salad and tomorrow he's flying a plane into your daughter's vagina. Is that what you want, America? I hope letting Haji eat his Pringles makes you feel better when a 747 is jammed into little Becky's cooter.

That's about all I have time for today. I know that wasn't so much the news as it was the ignorant fear-mongering of an egomaniac, but it all pretty much amounts to the same thing when the audience isn't very smart.

Before I go, it's time for today's installment of "What Did He Just Say?" As my picture 1faithful followers know, this is when I say something degrading and/or inflammatory for the sole purpose of being discussed by a bunch of journalists who claim to be more legitimate than me, even though they often spend hours or even days discussing something I said.

Without further adieu, here is today's "What Did He Just Say?" - Martin Luther King raped babies and deserved what he got. And... Jews are just chupacabras in human suits. Next time you see a Jew, shoot it before it kidnaps and eats your wife.

Goodbye all. And remember the 'Death to Liberals and Science' motto: Frighten and pander.



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