It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing

torsopants logoWe are proud to announce the launch of - the hot little sister site of T-Shirt Hell. Believe me if she wasn’t our sister we would totally hit that.

But there’s no reason you shouldn’t so go ahead and take a crack at her. We warn you... it’s not offensive humor. But if you like really dry, retarded comedy we think you'll want to marry her. 

As an added bonus, if you sign up as a free member of the Church of TorsoPants right now, we’ll drop $8 TorsoWashingtons in your account. They work just like cash towards anything you purchase on the new site. As a member there are tons of opportunities for you to earn more TorsoWashingtons towards merchandise through contests, submitting pics, etc.

As a member, you get 3 chances a day to win a free shirt in the Buy None Get One Free contest (and imagine how good your chances are the first couple of weeks when there are hardly any members?) So, enjoy but remember she’s not 18, yet.

long division


Spring has sprung. Birds are singing, flowers are blooming, NY governors are resigning after paying to have their knobs polished...ahh, what a lovely time of year.

NY Governor Eliot Spitzer has resigned due to allegations of his involvement with a prostitution ring. And since I'm sure you've already heard enough jokes on the subject, I won't insult your intelligence with any lame puns about "Client 9" or the name "Spitzer." Instead, I'd like to send my condolences to the governor's wife and children. Also to his illegitimate children and any back-alley abortions he may be responsible for.

In other political news, Barack Obama continues to increase his delegate lead over Hillary Clinton. Hillary may be down, but she's not out. She just keeps swinging. And I'm not just talking about her balls.

But it hardly matters. Obama has all but sewn up the Democratic nomination, and with the Republican party in the shape that it's in; it's very likely we will be seeing the first black president in U.S. history.

As a fellow African-American, I hope he doesn't do anything to embarrass our race. I hate to think he would bring shame to the office once held by Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter and George W. Bush. As long as he doesn't rape Jesus or remove Dakota Fanning's face with his teeth, I think we're good.

Enough politics. Let's focus on the positive. Gas prices are.....Madonna was just inducted into the Rock & Roll Ha.....CBS is finally airing new episodes of Two and a Half M.....We still have liquor!

penis vagina


You've been waiting and waiting, and it's finally here. No, not a reason to live. It's our latest batch of new shirts.

Included in this group is a shirt about the lesser-known Hitler (the one who didn't fake the Holocaust) and a shirt which perfectly mocks the movie quote shirts all the cool kids are wearing. We've also got shirts for enablers or anyone who just wants gratuitous cursing on his/her/its shirt. Check 'em out.

All of our new shirts are here:

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andyGood Friday and Easter are just around the corner. Two holidays which recognize, respectively, the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Now... I know what you're thinking. 'Who is this "Jesus"?' Well let me tell you. He was this guy who lived like 2,000 years ago and died for our sins. His mom was a virgin (wink wink) and his dad was...I forget. I'm pretty sure he was really important. He might've been a king or at least a viceroy. But all that is beside the point.

Jesus was and is a highly important historical figure. I'm really surprised more people haven't heard of him. Along with Good Friday and Easter, there is a third well-known holiday which centers around him. It recognizes his birth and is called "Christmas." That one has his last name right there in the title, for crying out loud. I assume Christmas is about Jesus. Lord knows his brother, Robert Christ, was hardly an impressive man.

But if you think those three holidays are the only ones centered around Jesus, you are sadly mistaken. They are but the tip of the Jesus-berg (Which, oddly enough, was originally his name. He changed it because it sounded too Jewish.). There is a holiday for virtually every accomplishment and key moment in his life. Naturally, not all of them have established the notoriety of Easter or Christmas. Below, you will find a list of the second (and third) tier Jesus-centric holidays.
Rock of Ages Day - Recognizes the successful passing of Jesus' first kidney stone.

Christsmacks - Recognizes the time Jesus slapped Judas and said "Where's the Savior's wine, bitch!"

Worst Friday Ever - Actually the same day as Good Friday, but with an unironic title.

Arbor Day - Long believed to be a day which encourages growing and caring for plant life, Arbor Day is actually a celebration of the time Jesus licked a toad's back and made out with a tree.

"I'm Jesus. That Makes It Right" Day - Recognizes the first time Jesus said, "C'mon. My mom was thirteen when she had me."

Not a Boy, Not Yet a Savior Day - A celebration of the day Jesus got his first pube.

andyTurn the Other's Cheek Day - A festival celebrating the day Jesus defended Nazareth from the invading Vampire Army.

Like Michael Jordan Playing Baseball Day - A day which stands as a tribute to Jesus' unheralded carpentry work.

Crucifixion Jam - Not technically a holiday, but still a large gathering similar to a Civil War reenactment or a Renaissance Fair in which participants dress up as Pontius Pilate, Roman soldiers, Jesus, Barrabas, or Jews with horns.

WOOHOO! - The day Jesus found out he could turn water into wine.

Christdini Day - Acknowledges all of Jesus' miracles. Walking on water, healing the blind, and the lesser known "got your nose" trick.

Yom Kippur - Originally a week-long celebration of Jesus teabagging Mary Magdalene, the Jews stole it andyand turned it into...whatever the hell it is.

Easter II - Recognizes the second time Jesus was killed and resurrected. After the guys who initially killed him died of old age, their ghosts snuck into Heaven and went totally sickhouse on him. You don't need to read up on that. That shit is true.

Chinese New Year - Celebrates the first time Jesus did it with an Asian chick. And many followed, believe you me.

Sandal Day - No special reason. Jesus just really liked sandals.

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