We are proud to announce the launch of TorsoPants.com - the hot little sister site of T-Shirt Hell. Believe me if she wasn’t our sister we would totally hit that.
But there’s no reason you shouldn’t so go ahead and take a crack at her. We warn you... it’s not offensive humor. But if you like really dry, retarded comedy we think you'll want to marry her.
As an added bonus, if you sign up as a free member of the Church of TorsoPants right now, we’ll drop $8 TorsoWashingtons in your account. They work just like cash towards anything you purchase on the new site. As a member there are tons of opportunities for you to earn more TorsoWashingtons towards merchandise through contests, submitting pics, etc.
As a member, you get 3 chances a day to win a free shirt in the Buy None Get One Free contest (and imagine how good your chances are the first couple of weeks when there are hardly any members?) So, enjoy but remember she’s not 18, yet.
Spring has sprung. Birds are singing, flowers are blooming, NY governors are resigning after paying to have their knobs polished...ahh, what a lovely time of year.
NY Governor Eliot Spitzer has resigned due to allegations of his involvement with a prostitution ring. And since I'm sure you've already heard enough jokes on the subject, I won't insult your intelligence with any lame puns about "Client 9" or the name "Spitzer." Instead, I'd like to send my condolences to the governor's wife and children. Also to his illegitimate children and any back-alley abortions he may be responsible for.
In other political news, Barack Obama continues to increase his delegate lead over Hillary Clinton. Hillary may be down, but she's not out. She just keeps swinging. And I'm not just talking about her balls.
But it hardly matters. Obama has all but sewn up the Democratic nomination, and with the Republican party in the shape that it's in; it's very likely we will be seeing the first black president in U.S. history.
As a fellow African-American, I hope he doesn't do anything to embarrass our race. I hate to think he would bring shame to the office once held by Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter and George W. Bush. As long as he doesn't rape Jesus or remove Dakota Fanning's face with his teeth, I think we're good.
Enough politics. Let's focus on the positive. Gas prices are.....Madonna was just inducted into the Rock & Roll Ha.....CBS is finally airing new episodes of Two and a Half M.....We still have liquor!
You've been waiting and waiting, and it's finally here. No, not a reason to live. It's our latest batch of new shirts.
Included in this group is a shirt about the lesser-known Hitler (the one who didn't fake the Holocaust) and a shirt which perfectly mocks the movie quote shirts all the cool kids are wearing. We've also got shirts for enablers or anyone who just wants gratuitous cursing on his/her/its shirt. Check 'em out.
All of our new shirts are here:
Good Friday and Easter are just around the corner. Two holidays which recognize, respectively, the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
Now... I know what you're thinking. 'Who is this "Jesus"?' Well let me tell you. He was this guy who lived like 2,000 years ago and died for our sins. His mom was a virgin (wink wink) and his dad was...I forget. I'm pretty sure he was really important. He might've been a king or at least a viceroy. But all that is beside the point.
Jesus was and is a highly important historical figure. I'm really surprised more people haven't heard of him. Along with Good Friday and Easter, there is a third well-known holiday which centers around him. It recognizes his birth and is called "Christmas." That one has his last name right there in the title, for crying out loud. I assume Christmas is about Jesus. Lord knows his brother, Robert Christ, was hardly an impressive man.
But if you think those three holidays are the only ones centered around Jesus, you are sadly mistaken. They are but the tip of the Jesus-berg (Which, oddly enough, was originally his name. He changed it because it sounded too Jewish.). There is a holiday for virtually every accomplishment and key moment in his life. Naturally, not all of them have established the notoriety of Easter or Christmas. Below, you will find a list of the second (and third) tier Jesus-centric holidays.
Rock of Ages Day - Recognizes the successful passing of Jesus' first kidney stone.
Christsmacks - Recognizes the time Jesus slapped Judas and said "Where's the Savior's wine, bitch!"
Worst Friday Ever - Actually the same day as Good Friday, but with an unironic title.
Arbor Day - Long believed to be a day which encourages growing and caring for plant life, Arbor Day is actually a celebration of the time Jesus licked a toad's back and made out with a tree.
"I'm Jesus. That Makes It Right" Day - Recognizes the first time Jesus said, "C'mon. My mom was thirteen when she had me."
Not a Boy, Not Yet a Savior Day - A celebration of the day Jesus got his first pube.
Turn the Other's Cheek Day - A festival celebrating the day Jesus defended Nazareth from the invading Vampire Army.
Like Michael Jordan Playing Baseball Day - A day which stands as a tribute to Jesus' unheralded carpentry work.
Crucifixion Jam - Not technically a holiday, but still a large gathering similar to a Civil War reenactment or a Renaissance Fair in which participants dress up as Pontius Pilate, Roman soldiers, Jesus, Barrabas, or Jews with horns.
WOOHOO! - The day Jesus found out he could turn water into wine.
Christdini Day - Acknowledges all of Jesus' miracles. Walking on water, healing the blind, and the lesser known "got your nose" trick.
Yom Kippur - Originally a week-long celebration of Jesus teabagging Mary Magdalene, the Jews stole it and turned it into...whatever the hell it is.
Easter II - Recognizes the second time Jesus was killed and resurrected. After the guys who initially killed him died of old age, their ghosts snuck into Heaven and went totally sickhouse on him. You don't need to read up on that. That shit is true.
Chinese New Year - Celebrates the first time Jesus did it with an Asian chick. And many followed, believe you me.
Sandal Day - No special reason. Jesus just really liked sandals.
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From: Gunakan H.
Sent: Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Subject: Your Products
As a fellow muslim you should be ashamed for portraying Allah and our prophet Mohammed in the ways that you do. Do not call yourself muslim when you are so rude in your portrayal of our holiest beings, and you should hope that allah, great is his name, forgives you eventually.
Editor's Note: Great is his name, huh? Apparently not so great that you need to capitalize it. Yeah! I totally busted you on your typo! Just remember that shit when you blow up a bus. Muslim children will hold up your dismembered foot and be like "This guy didn't capitalize Allah!" Your family will totally be dishonored. So dishonored that they'll probably commit suicide. As if there was another way for a Muslim to die.
Gunakan...I didn't want you to find out this way, but I'm not actually a Muslim. I only used that line to get my hands on that sweet, little package contained in your sand-filled undies. Or, as you call them, your "genital turban."
By the way, while you were fucking me through that hole in the sheet, three other members of your terrorist cell were licking my asshole. A move which will henceforth be known as the "Slippery Jihad."
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From: Fuzz N.
Sent: Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Dear T-Shirt Hell,
I initially wanted to write a hateful letter to you, filled with barbed vitriolic insults for you, your colleagues, and your products. The more I thought about it, though, the more I started to think that this is going to turn into a love letter. Let's see how it turns out.
You see, I hate these shirts you make. They are anti-comedy. If your shirts came in contact with actual comedy, they would be annihilated. They are the antithesis of the original funny quip that was originally committed to paper with pen. While the original "joke" or "sentence" or "pun on a shirt" may have been humorous, the finished product, in its practical day to day application is like comedy cancer.
Don't get me wrong, I like one-liners as much as the next guy, I am known to chortle heartily at a well-crafted pun, so don't take me for a humorless dick. It's just that once you wear the joke on a shirt, it's done, the joke is over. One guy sees it, laughs at the pun, and then you have to take the shirt off because you already used up all the jokes it had to offer. Any further application of the joke is just offensive. Not in the "the shirt has curse words, I'm offended" but more like "have you no decency? look at what you're doing to comedy. I'm offended". It's a product so devoid of originality that it takes a very special sort of idiot to appreciate it, purchase it, and continue to wear it after one washing.
This brings me to my next point, I love your company. By catering exclusively to idiots, you have found a way to generate an almost insufferable stream of money from imbeciles who are so devoid of creativity and wit that they need someone to say something witty for them permanently on a shirt. Thanks to fast digital printing technology, once the topical joke of the moment goes cold, you have another 18 waiting in the wings fur purchase in sizes up to 5XL. How ingenious! The best way to make a buck is to bilk rich folks or idiots, and what better place to find idiots than on the internet? And kudos on making products for babies, one of only two demographics that can't actually make purchasing decisions, yet somehow get the most ridiculous bullshit purchased on their behalf. I see that you used to make shirts for pets too, so you already covered the other half.
On the other hand: these fucking shirts. I, like many people, go to college, and all I see is wave after wave of glassy-eyed mouth-breathers on their way to their next class/nap wearing your products. To be fair, they might be your competitor's products as well. They're rather hard to tell apart what with your shirts being swapped like so much semen. It's like reading the same level of comedy pablum that Cathy and Family Circus are made of.
On the plus side, the shirts are a sort of IQ barometer. At the bottom of the scale are the obvious single-entendre jokes about tits and blowjobs, further up the scale you have topical shirts about the election or immigration or what have you that show at least a cursory knowledge of current events, and nearing the 60-point level are the cleverest of the shirts, like your "Han Job" shirt which could mean one thing (but it could also mean another, dirtier thing!).
In short, I'm torn: I hate your products and the people who buy them, but I love the business you do.
Editor's Note: Oh yeah? Well your mom's pussy stinks.
The sheer volume of what you have written here suggests to me that you take goofy t-shirts, and life in general, much too seriously. The global economy doesn't warrant this much analysis, let alone some fucking shirts.
You seem to have applied an importance to our shirts that doesn't exist, which would be foolish enough if you hadn't done the same thing on behalf of our customers. Do you really believe someone wearing a "He loves the cock" shirt thinks he's got a brilliant witticism slapped on his chest? No. He just wanted a retarded shirt to wear to the bar and share a chuckle with some people who aren't elitist cunts.
It would be easy for me to respond to this by sarcastically confirming your criticism ("That's right, we're making money off of idiots."), but on top of being cheap I also think it does our customers a disservice. I don't want to sound like I'm sucking their dicks too much here: I'm sure no shortage of them are drunken assholes and bitches. But I believe by and large most of them are just people who like to have fun. And I'm sick of people like you using them as your punching bags just because you have a stick up your ass.
I'm sorry there are those whose idea of a good time doesn't involve listening to some "humorist" read a passage from his latest novel on NPR, or listening to a bunch of white guys in their mid-50s fart out shitty music in a jazz club. Some people just enjoy life and they give fuck all if people like you, who have nothing better to do, look down on them.
Of course, we all have facets of the culture that we detest, but only people like you trick yourselves into believing it's relevant. You know, I think Larry the Cable Guy sucks. I think Toby Keith sucks. But I don't ignorantly believe their popularity is a sign that our society is circling the drain. Society is circling the drain, but not because of something as trivial as entertainment or clothes, for fuck's sake.
And how much longer are you hipsters going to go to the "insulting something by describing it" well? The, "Han Job" crack? That can be done with anything and everything. "Oh, this is the part where David Sedaris is dry. Oh, this is the part where Jon Stewart reacts in an incredulous manner." You see? I can be condescending too.
You and the rest of your pseudointellectual ilk make presumptions about people just so you can feel superior to them, but the sad fact is that you're the same useless husks: you simply have a few more words at your disposal. It would be bad enough if you only passed judgment on things like religious or political beliefs, but to judge others based on something as superficial as clothing choice...Jesus Christ. That, to me, is the definition of an idiot. And I don't give a fuck what your shirt says.
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From: mess*** @ free***.com
Sent: Friday, March 14, 2008
Wow, somebody just sent me your website with that remark about "its racist and sexist as hell but your just working with what you got". You should put a photo of yourself up there so that everyone would know what kind of racist sexist coward you really are, cause your hiding out aren't you? you little creep. you can do that in Arizona, you can't do that in the big city where REAL people are. Anyway, your an asshole and i hope your whole entire company blows up in your face. And by the way...your mother's a cunt. She shoulda swallowed.
Editor's Note: My mother did swallow. But enough about my poop. Zing.
If you're sincere about wanting this company to blow up in my face, I know this guy named Gunakan who can...never mind. Anyway, what gives you the idea that I'm in Arizona? Oh...it's because of our shipping address. I can assure you that is only done for tax purposes. Also, I'm wanted for monkey-scalping in every state except Arizona, so as far as the Feds know, that's where mommy lives.
But don't worry about me. I'm having the time of my life right here in Oxnard, TX. And that's how it'll stay until NYC can provide me with an area for cow-tipping and legalized Jew-hunting. Keyword being "legalized." And "Jew."
Despite the fact that you called my mom a cunt (you don't know how right you are), I have decided to grant your request. Here, in all of its xenophobic glory, is a picture of yours truly.
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[Suck Long, Soers]
Home is where the heart is. I guess I'm homeless.