March Madness is underway and you can feel the excitement in the air. But while other people are excited about the competition and the sportsmanship, I'm just excited to see young people use their physical gifts to further their education. Or, you know...go pro after one year, buy ten Cadillacs, father scores of illegitimate children and rape hookers. (Cue "One Shining Moment")
The Iranians are really angry about the new film, “300” which they feel depicts Persians in an unflattering manner. Wait until “TMNT” opens. There’s a scene where the Turtles run a train on Muhammad while he’s wedged in a pile of bacon.
And finally, a bit of sad news as Marvel Comics killed off the legendary superhero, Captain America. Thankfully, Captain Mexico will do his job for $3.15 an hour.
We've added several new shirts this week including a brand-new baby shirt. Included in this group is a shirt that explains why Ms. Pac-Man is the perfect woman, a shirt for guys who are good listeners, and a shirt that honors the greatest teachers of all time. We've also added two political shirts, one of which reveals the silver lining to the awesome cloud that is the Bush presidency, and another that really simplifies this whole Barack/Hillary thing.
As if that wasn't enough, we've also thrown in a pair of Easter shirts. So go shave your Easter Midget, hang the used diaphragms over your dishwasher and prepare to celebrate Buddha's christening in style.
All of our new shirts are here:
We had over ten million entries and we have narrowed it down to these awesome eight. After much deliberation, well frankly, we've lost interest. But somebody still needs to win $1000. So, since none of you have anything better to do, we ask you to vote for your favorite. It's good practice for the upcoming Presidential election, except here your vote will actually count.
Click here to cast your vote!
The 2008 Presidential election is well over a year away, but several candidates have already taken to the campaign trail. So far I know that the candidates include a woman, a half-black man with a history of Islam in his family, a Vietnam veteran, and a former New York City mayor who has been divorced. That is all I know about the major candidates. I know nothing about their policies, and that's exactly the way I like it.
But while I am glad to know so little about their political agendas, it upsets me that I don't know more about their personal lives. That's why I suggest that the media dig even deeper to find out what's truly important about all of these candidates. You know...the stuff that doesn't affect anyone else.
I mean, it's great that I know Hillary Clinton is a woman and her husband once got a blowjob from a chubby Jew, but is that all there is to her? I want to know absolutely everything about her as long as it is irrelevant to me. What size shoe does she wear? Does she eat oatmeal for breakfast? What brand of tampons does she use? For that matter, does she even menstruate anymore? The answers to all of these questions affect no one but Hillary (and maybe her dry cleaner) and, therefore, I care deeply about all of them.
The media has not been so lax in digging up Barack Obama's past. Well, you know...the important stuff. I wasn't talking about his voting record in the Senate or anything. No, I was talking about the fact that I now know he has Islamic roots and he has done cocaine. Again, good to know, but there's so much more that we don't need to know that I want to know. Was the cocaine any good? Did he snort it off a hooker's tits? These are all things that should be taken into consideration before we cast our votes next August. Or whenever the hell we vote.
And the Democrats aren't the only ones who should be subjected to such pointless speculation and conjecture. We all know that John McCain served in Vietnam and was a POW for an extended period of time, but what are the details of his imprisonment? Was he forced to drink his own urine? Did his captors allow Vietnamese children to put out cigarettes on his bare chest?
Just like a person's race, sex, and past drug use, these things should be considered before you decide if he's qualified to be president.
Come to think of it, we should just cut out all this campaigning and debating. All it does is waste time and money and give me what I call "think-wrinkles." From now on the candidates should just fill out a brief questionnaire and their answers will appear next to their names on the ballot. Age, gender, race, religion, marriage status, sexual preference, criminal records and military service are all a given. Beyond that, they'll have to answer the following questions.
What is your favorite color?
Stones or Beatles?
Have you ever given/received a donkey-punch?
Who was your favorite Darren on Bewitched?
If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be? And would you miss masturbation?
That is all the information we need to know before choosing the leader of the free world. The candidates can take their foreign policies and health care plans and shove them up their collective ass. Only by voting according to these guidelines will we be able to call the presidential election a popularity contest without a hint of irony. And after all, what's more important than popularity? God knows our country isn't.
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From: Magn*** @ ***.com
Sent: Friday, March 2, 2007
I want to cancel my order of last night. It is a brown tee shirt saying I support gay marriage. My grandson wanted it and I was too tired to see what a disgusting website this is. I also did not appreciate the invoice that said "can I pee in your mouth." I do not believe that I owe for the postage since you haven't even had time to make it, let alone ship it.
Please send me a confirmation of this cancellation before it gets on my charge. Then please eradicate my credit card from your system. I have already alerted them to possible fraud charges because anyone who writes things like that is suspect to me.
Editor's Note: I'm sorry, but we already shipped the shirt and threw in a complimentary aborted fetus, just because I didn't know what else to do with it. If you'd like a refund you can go ahead and return the shirt to us. Feel free to eat the fetus.
I also apologize for the message on the invoice. On behalf of myself and the entire company, I am sorry and deeply embarrassed. It was supposed to say 'MAY I pee in your mouth?' Of course I know that I CAN pee in your mouth. It was simply bad grammar and I hope you can please forgive me. And, you know, let me pee in your mouth.
And you are right to suspect us of misusing your credit card information. Clearly any company that puts a joke on a receipt isn't trustworthy. We aren't fine, upstanding citizens like the good people at Enron and Halliburton.
The shame in all of this is that your grandson is going to be deprived of a shirt he wanted just because his grandma is an idiot. Just hang in there, kid. She'll be dead soon enough. In the meantime, enjoy the 'My grandma is a fucking cunt' t-shirt we'll be sending you free of charge. Wear it with pride. Or just choke your grandma with it. Whatever you want to do.
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From: Andrew RL
Sent: Saturday, March 10, 2007
Subject: God Dammit, You Fucking Guys
I have been a TSH member for over 3 months and I *have yet to win* even a *single* free T-shirt. Come on, what's wrong with you? What's a guy gotta do to win a single freakin' free T-shirt? I'm livin in the US of A, dealing with stagnant wages and increasing inflation. Come on, the the CPI is making my ass raw these days, and I even just moved into a brand-new income-restricted housing development.
Listen, it's simple: either you WANT to give me a free T-shirt(s) or you don't. In this business, you've got to WANT to win for it to actually happen. There's a saying in this business: "Act as if." Act as if ...I was your only customer. Act as if...making your quarterly profit projections was dependent on giving me a free T-shirt.
And have your rebuttals ready. I say, "Here's my credit card number?" BULLSHIT. Somebody says they have enough money they can drop $75 a pop on a bunch of scandalous T-shirts is LYING to you. They are literally starving babies so they can afford T-shirts that talk about their asses and tits.
Editor's Note: Jesus Ass-shaving Christ...I have never seen anyone react so passionately to not getting a free shirt. We get no shortage of people saying "Damn it! Where's my shirt!?" or "Give me a shirt you cocksuckers!!!", but I've never seen anyone be this deeply affected by it. I mean, to consider what it took for him to write all of this stuff and keep a full head of steam through the entire thing is kind of scary. It makes me think of Travis Bickle if he was lazy and irrelevant.
Regardless, I'm glad you just watched Glengarry Glen Ross for the twentieth time and/or attended a seminar entitled "Business Sense for Douchebags." And while I appreciate any advice that will help our business, I think I'll go ahead and ignore the suggestions of a guy that whines like a bitch when he doesn't win a free t-shirt. I'm always open to any tips, but there's a long list of people I'll listen to before I get down to the guy who can only find employment as the guy McDonald's calls when the retard can't make it.
And fortunately for us, we don't have to act as if you're our only customer or that our profits depend on you getting a free shirt. We're in the fortunate position of having customers that understand that money can be exchanged for goods. And some of them even have jobs that allow them to earn said money so they'll be able to purchase the t-shirt of their choice without having to resort to eating a rat sandwich and discarded Jolly Rancher wrappers.
The part of your email about people choosing between buying t-shirts and feeding their children is downright ridiculous. People starve their babies because babies are annoying, not because they can't afford to feed them. That line also sounds like sour grapes. But rest assured Andrew, your parents abandoned you because you're a pathetic loser, not because you were a financial burden. Now go enter a contest that awards free paste. You must be hungry after writing that email.)
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From: BUDD M.
Sent: Friday, February 23, 2007
Subject: I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED.....
I SAW A SHIRT DESIGN IN YOUR CATALOG IN WHICH AN AMERICAN FLAG IS BEING BURNED, WITH THE TAGLINE "WHY WASTE GOOD TOILET PAPER?" BENEATH IT....I'M A PRETTY SMART GUY, BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE SAYING. IT MAKES NO SENSE TO ME, AM I MISSING SOME SORT OF JOKE? IF YOU'VE GOT SOME SORT OF EXPLANATION FOR THIS, PLEASE SHARE IT WITH ME. THANKS IN ADVANCE.
Editor's Note: I'm usually snide or sarcastic with my comments, but I'm going to cut the crap here and just explain to you what that shirt means. That shirt means that you are a fucking idiot.
And just to correct you, no, you are not a pretty smart guy. Either you've been lied to and patronized your entire life, or the only time you leave the house is on Opposite Day. Whatever the case, I just want to reiterate that you are not a smart guy. And it's not just because you didn't understand the shirt. It's also because you don't understand the function of the 'Caps Lock' button.
And because rather than take two seconds to ask a friend (annoyed co-worker) what that shirt means, you decided to contact the company that makes it and waste everyone's time and energy. Fuck, man...the first time you saw a box of Cap'n Crunch did you find the 'comments and suggestions' number on the side of the box and ask the company why they hired a captain to represent their cereal?
In the future, if you don't understand a shirt, just do what everyone else does. Go fuck your mother.
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