space
newsfromhell

The Early February Thing

March Madness is underway and you can feel the excitement in the air. But while other people are excited about the competition and the sportsmanship, I'm just excited to see young people use their physical gifts to further their education. Or, you know...go pro after one year, buy ten Cadillacs, father scores of illegitimate children and rape hookers. (Cue "One Shining Moment")

O Patriotism, We Hardly Knew Ye

The Iranians are really angry about the new film, “300” which they feel depicts Persians in an unflattering manner.  Wait until “TMNT” opens.  There’s a scene where the Turtles run a train on Muhammad while he’s wedged in a pile of bacon.

And finally, a bit of sad news as Marvel Comics killed off the legendary superhero, Captain America. Thankfully, Captain Mexico will do his job for $3.15 an hour.

 


space

New Shirts

We've added several new shirts this week including a brand-new baby shirt. Included in this group is a shirt that explains why Ms. Pac-Man is the perfect woman, a shirt for guys who are good listeners, and a shirt that honors the greatest teachers of all time. We've also added two political shirts, one of which reveals the silver lining to the awesome cloud that is the Bush presidency, and another that really simplifies this whole Barack/Hillary thing.

As if that wasn't enough, we've also thrown in a pair of Easter shirts. So go shave your Easter Midget, hang the used diaphragms over your dishwasher and prepare to celebrate Buddha's christening in style.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt_031907_news.htm


division

Hit yourself one more time.

We had over ten million entries and we have narrowed it down to these awesome eight.  After much deliberation, well frankly, we've lost interest.  But somebody still needs to win $1000.  So, since none of you have anything better to do, we ask you to vote for your favorite.  It's good practice for the upcoming Presidential election, except here your vote will actually count. 

Click here to cast your vote!


division

Hit yourself one more time.

The 2008 Presidential election is well over a year away, but several candidates have already taken to the campaign trail. So far I know that the candidates include a woman, a half-black man with a history of Islam in his family, a Vietnam veteran, and a former New York City mayor who has been divorced. That is all I know about the major candidates. I know nothing about their policies, and that's exactly the way I like it.

But while I am glad to know so little about their political agendas, it upsets me that I don't know more about their personal lives. That's why I suggest that the media dig even deeper to find out what's truly important about all of these candidates. You know...the stuff that doesn't affect anyone else.

America?  Fuck yeah.I mean, it's great that I know Hillary Clinton is a woman and her husband once got a blowjob from a chubby Jew, but is that all there is to her? I want to know absolutely everything about her as long as it is irrelevant to me. What size shoe does she wear? Does she eat oatmeal for breakfast? What brand of tampons does she use? For that matter, does she even menstruate anymore? The answers to all of these questions affect no one but Hillary (and maybe her dry cleaner) and, therefore, I care deeply about all of them.

The media has not been so lax in digging up Barack Obama's past. Well, you know...the important stuff. I wasn't talking about his voting record in the Senate or anything. No, I was talking about the fact that I now know he has Islamic roots and he has done cocaine. Again, good to know, but there's so much more that we don't need to know that I want to know. Was the cocaine any good? Did he snort it off a hooker's tits? These are all things that should be taken into consideration before we cast our votes next August. Or whenever the hell we vote.

The man in the black pajamas Dude.  A worthy fuckin' adversary.And the Democrats aren't the only ones who should be subjected to such pointless speculation and conjecture. We all know that John McCain served in Vietnam and was a POW for an extended period of time, but what are the details of his imprisonment? Was he forced to drink his own urine? Did his captors allow Vietnamese children to put out cigarettes on his bare chest?

Just like a person's race, sex, and past drug use, these things should be considered before you decide if he's qualified to be president.

Come to think of it, we should just cut out all this campaigning and debating. All it does is waste time and money and give me what I call "think-wrinkles." From now on the candidates should just fill out a brief questionnaire and their answers will appear next to their names on the ballot. Age, gender, race, religion, marriage status, sexual preference, criminal records and military service are all a given. Beyond that, they'll have to answer the following questions.

dick dick dick dick dick.What is your favorite color?

Stones or Beatles?

Have you ever given/received a donkey-punch?

Who was your favorite Darren on Bewitched?

If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be? And would you miss masturbation?

That is all the information we need to know before choosing the leader of the free world. The candidates can take their foreign policies and health care plans and shove them up their collective ass. Only by voting according to these guidelines will we be able to call the presidential election a popularity contest without a hint of irony. And after all, what's more important than popularity? God knows our country isn't.


Warning: mysql_connect(): php_network_getaddresses: getaddrinfo failed: Name or service not known in /home/tshirthell/public_html/miscpages/newsletter/dev/appendComments.php on line 4

Warning: mysql_connect(): php_network_getaddresses: getaddrinfo failed: Name or service not known in /home/tshirthell/public_html/miscpages/newsletter/dev/appendComments.php on line 4
Failed to connect to the database. Please try again.