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newsfromhell

The Early February Thing

March Madness is underway and you can feel the excitement in the air. But while other people are excited about the competition and the sportsmanship, I'm just excited to see young people use their physical gifts to further their education. Or, you know...go pro after one year, buy ten Cadillacs, father scores of illegitimate children and rape hookers. (Cue "One Shining Moment")

O Patriotism, We Hardly Knew Ye

The Iranians are really angry about the new film, “300” which they feel depicts Persians in an unflattering manner.  Wait until “TMNT” opens.  There’s a scene where the Turtles run a train on Muhammad while he’s wedged in a pile of bacon.

And finally, a bit of sad news as Marvel Comics killed off the legendary superhero, Captain America. Thankfully, Captain Mexico will do his job for $3.15 an hour.

 


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New Shirts

We've added several new shirts this week including a brand-new baby shirt. Included in this group is a shirt that explains why Ms. Pac-Man is the perfect woman, a shirt for guys who are good listeners, and a shirt that honors the greatest teachers of all time. We've also added two political shirts, one of which reveals the silver lining to the awesome cloud that is the Bush presidency, and another that really simplifies this whole Barack/Hillary thing.

As if that wasn't enough, we've also thrown in a pair of Easter shirts. So go shave your Easter Midget, hang the used diaphragms over your dishwasher and prepare to celebrate Buddha's christening in style.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt_031907_news.htm


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Hit yourself one more time.

We had over ten million entries and we have narrowed it down to these awesome eight.  After much deliberation, well frankly, we've lost interest.  But somebody still needs to win $1000.  So, since none of you have anything better to do, we ask you to vote for your favorite.  It's good practice for the upcoming Presidential election, except here your vote will actually count. 

Click here to cast your vote!


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Hit yourself one more time.

The 2008 Presidential election is well over a year away, but several candidates have already taken to the campaign trail. So far I know that the candidates include a woman, a half-black man with a history of Islam in his family, a Vietnam veteran, and a former New York City mayor who has been divorced. That is all I know about the major candidates. I know nothing about their policies, and that's exactly the way I like it.

But while I am glad to know so little about their political agendas, it upsets me that I don't know more about their personal lives. That's why I suggest that the media dig even deeper to find out what's truly important about all of these candidates. You know...the stuff that doesn't affect anyone else.

America?  Fuck yeah.I mean, it's great that I know Hillary Clinton is a woman and her husband once got a blowjob from a chubby Jew, but is that all there is to her? I want to know absolutely everything about her as long as it is irrelevant to me. What size shoe does she wear? Does she eat oatmeal for breakfast? What brand of tampons does she use? For that matter, does she even menstruate anymore? The answers to all of these questions affect no one but Hillary (and maybe her dry cleaner) and, therefore, I care deeply about all of them.

The media has not been so lax in digging up Barack Obama's past. Well, you know...the important stuff. I wasn't talking about his voting record in the Senate or anything. No, I was talking about the fact that I now know he has Islamic roots and he has done cocaine. Again, good to know, but there's so much more that we don't need to know that I want to know. Was the cocaine any good? Did he snort it off a hooker's tits? These are all things that should be taken into consideration before we cast our votes next August. Or whenever the hell we vote.

The man in the black pajamas Dude.  A worthy fuckin' adversary.And the Democrats aren't the only ones who should be subjected to such pointless speculation and conjecture. We all know that John McCain served in Vietnam and was a POW for an extended period of time, but what are the details of his imprisonment? Was he forced to drink his own urine? Did his captors allow Vietnamese children to put out cigarettes on his bare chest?

Just like a person's race, sex, and past drug use, these things should be considered before you decide if he's qualified to be president.

Come to think of it, we should just cut out all this campaigning and debating. All it does is waste time and money and give me what I call "think-wrinkles." From now on the candidates should just fill out a brief questionnaire and their answers will appear next to their names on the ballot. Age, gender, race, religion, marriage status, sexual preference, criminal records and military service are all a given. Beyond that, they'll have to answer the following questions.

dick dick dick dick dick.What is your favorite color?

Stones or Beatles?

Have you ever given/received a donkey-punch?

Who was your favorite Darren on Bewitched?

If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be? And would you miss masturbation?

That is all the information we need to know before choosing the leader of the free world. The candidates can take their foreign policies and health care plans and shove them up their collective ass. Only by voting according to these guidelines will we be able to call the presidential election a popularity contest without a hint of irony. And after all, what's more important than popularity? God knows our country isn't.

Comments (19) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Ryan  03/21/07 12:29 am
The TV and radio news don't give two shits about who's the most qualified individual to be president. All they care about is how much time they can get all the morons with 5 minute attention spans and no education beyond corporate advertisements to watch their little circus ring of an information gateway. Whatever happened to mass media's public service duties? After all, we own the fucking airwaves... they should have to give us free shit or some sort of party or something with the amount of money they make. Better yet... I would like to see all the talking heads from TV and radio set up in a reality show where they have to fight to the death. Now that would be entertainment...

Sewer Rat  03/21/07 10:06 am
Hillary doesn't use tampons. Like Cleopatra she rams crocodile shit up there to give her that "not so fresh feeling" that keeps her going all day and keeps Bill in the office "working late."

Christopher Shawn Hayden  03/21/07 10:09 am
Favorite Color: Marijuana
Stones or Beatles: If i had to pick a limey favorite i suppose it'd have to be the Beatles, except for Paul McCartney; that guy sucks and I'm surprised he's even still alive.
Donkey Punch: I gave it to my baby's stupid mama - I should have just punched her.
Favorite Darren - We have a guy at my work named Darren Stevens and he's an idiot, so all Darren's are dead to me now.
Tree: I'd be a Pussy Willow. Where there's a will there's a way...to masturbate. Especially when your species has the word pussy in it.

Vote for me for President in Oct...Novem...Whenever!!
Free tacos for everyone! Viva Aruba!

kestrel9000  03/21/07 2:01 pm
dare you to post that on dailykos.

Brett  03/21/07 3:28 pm
Fav. Color: Green because it is the color of all my favorite things...money, weed, and that hookers pus...wait you tried to trick me!!

Kate  03/21/07 4:40 pm
absolutely awesome and spot on. no strings of foul language or gruesome images required - just a fantastically written satirical piece. bravo.

Amy  03/21/07 11:50 pm
I LOVE YOUR POINT OF VIEW! I actually found myself laughing outloud! Ok, I'm in. But how do we get them to honestly answer the truly simple questions when they are so rigorously used to avoiding, dodging and lying?

Timothy  03/22/07 3:01 am
so are you saying gay marriage is okay or is not okay i hope you are not being mean jesus would not apporv

Ronman  03/22/07 9:41 am
I love you!

barack obama  03/22/07 10:30 am
im voting for the nigger

telemonster  03/22/07 2:32 pm
csm-what's with the 'limey' stuff> you cocksucking fag

Triston Ordwayq  03/22/07 2:38 pm
I love that you put a picture, on this newsletter, of "Darren" stapped up with oxygen tubes shoved down his nose. He's my favorite!!!

Christopher Kulhavik  03/22/07 3:47 pm
I love you. I love your outlook. I love your newsletter. I love the fact that you use proper grammar and spelling in your newsletter. I love the fact that you are relentless in your pursuit of world peace. Rock on. World Peace. Regards, Christopher Kulhavik aka "Cornhavoc" By the way, I have a YouTube. Goto "I sang with Ozzy Osbourne" and view my video. I will tell you the whole story one day!

Endora  03/22/07 8:43 pm
Actually, on Bewitched his name was spelled "Darrin."

Steve  03/22/07 10:33 pm
LOL, gay marriage is fine. Im the Pope and i approve this message.

Heather  03/22/07 11:34 pm
THANK YOU! I couldn't have said it better myself. It is sooooooooo a popularity contest!!!

moly pooper  03/23/07 6:08 pm
Amazing satire. High five!

Iva Bigun  04/01/07 9:33 pm
A long time ago,(last week) I ate some nigger pussy. It didn't taste like chicken, but I think it was more like catfish.. Anyway, I'll try and get some more soon! Viva La Nigro!

Debbie Hall  04/03/07 7:42 pm
How the Hell do you know that trees don't masterbate? Maybe they masterbate constantly.


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-----Original Message-----

From: Magn*** @ ***.com

Sent: Friday, March 2, 2007

Subject: cancel

Weeeeeeee!I want to cancel my order of last night. It is a brown tee shirt saying I support gay marriage. My grandson wanted it and I was too tired to see what a disgusting website this is. I also did not appreciate the invoice that said "can I pee in your mouth." I do not believe that I owe for the postage since you haven't even had time to make it, let alone ship it.

Please send me a confirmation of this cancellation before it gets on my charge. Then please eradicate my credit card from your system. I have already alerted them to possible fraud charges because anyone who writes things like that is suspect to me.

Susan L.

Editor's Note: I'm sorry, but we already shipped the shirt and threw in a complimentary aborted fetus, just because I didn't know what else to do with it. If you'd like a refund you can go ahead and return the shirt to us. Feel free to eat the fetus.

Weeee!I also apologize for the message on the invoice. On behalf of myself and the entire company, I am sorry and deeply embarrassed. It was supposed to say 'MAY I pee in your mouth?' Of course I know that I CAN pee in your mouth. It was simply bad grammar and I hope you can please forgive me. And, you know, let me pee in your mouth.

And you are right to suspect us of misusing your credit card information. Clearly any company that puts a joke on a receipt isn't trustworthy. We aren't fine, upstanding citizens like the good people at Enron and Halliburton.

The shame in all of this is that your grandson is going to be deprived of a shirt he wanted just because his grandma is an idiot. Just hang in there, kid. She'll be dead soon enough. In the meantime, enjoy the 'My grandma is a fucking cunt' t-shirt we'll be sending you free of charge. Wear it with pride. Or just choke your grandma with it. Whatever you want to do.

Comments (30) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Brian  03/20/07 10:58 pm
Excellent... make her pay the return postage for a refund!

Str3tch  03/20/07 11:33 pm
Holy fuck! I LOVE drinking pee!

germkiller  03/21/07 6:55 am
Would you publish that recipe for fetus au gratin? I have misplaced it.

brick  03/21/07 7:31 am
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Bassman  03/21/07 8:36 am
Tell Susan, I mean Hillary to shut up and sit down. She can't fool us.

Jack Mehoff  03/21/07 8:38 am
I think she should get the free t-shirts that the asshat below is asking for!! Also please send me any fetus recipes you have ... I'm always looking to spice up dinner.

Doc  03/21/07 8:42 am
May I PLEASE pee in your mouth. Don't forget to be polite, Old fetus eaters who fear credit card fraud don't tolerate bad manners.

christoid  03/21/07 9:33 am
Holy Shit. I can't believe someone goes to a site called T-Shirt Hell (this goes for all the fucking idiots who write hate mail), orders a shirt and then claims that being tired makes them an idiot. She must be tired all the time then.

Mikey  03/21/07 12:28 pm
She was too tired to notice at the time. She's too tired all the time - but that's just what happens after your seventh stroke. I suprised she managed to find the time to write an e-mail in her hectic schedule of pissing herself and silently awaiting the blessed release of death.

keysha  03/21/07 1:07 pm
What the fuck does she mean she was too tired to see the disgusting website? Arthritis didn't stop her from entering her credit card info. She obviously didn't read the home page. And who the fuck is "them"? Tell Betty White she needs to roll up a Bob Marley so she can get the glaucoma out her fuckin eyes!

Kenny G, bitches  03/21/07 2:15 pm
I'm surprised nobody's touched on the fact that this old bird is obviously a schizophrenic Alzheimer's patient. Which makes you wonder...when she's 'her grandson' and she catches herself masturbating, does she beat herself with a wooden spoon or join in and show the kid how it's done?

Thiago  03/21/07 8:17 pm
Will you actually be sending the 'My grandma is a fucking cunt' t-shirt , or is it just gangsta talk to look cool in front of all the cool kids of the world???

Mike  03/21/07 8:45 pm
I think you should actually send the "My Grandma is a fucking cunt" T-shirt. If you do, I wish I could see her face when she opens it.

PRW  03/22/07 12:41 am
This shriveled old bitch should get a fucking dictionary and look up the word "fraud". This company sells t-shirts and she bought one. Case fucking closed.

Norm  03/22/07 4:50 am
Don't suppose that next month the "My grandmother is a cunt" t-shirt will be available? Not only would pricks like me buy it, but its bound to offend blind, old, fossilized whores like her isn't it?

Joe  03/22/07 7:16 am
I am going to send you a bottle of my dried pee that has been put into pill form for you to send to that cunt. She apparently doesn't like it squirted in her mouth so maybe she would like to try tablets. Also, please make a few extra of those shirts. I want one too!

spunkmonkey  03/22/07 10:28 am
I LIKE PIE!

barack obama  03/22/07 10:34 am
im voting for the nigger

Mike  03/22/07 12:04 pm
Send her a dozen shirts, as offensive as possible, apologize for the pee in her mouth suggestion, and then remind her that if she doesn't like the shirts, she should pass them along to friends that would appreciate them, or charity, and include a picture of some skinny bitch from ethiopia.

wictor  03/22/07 12:07 pm
Who asks their granma to buy a gay pride tee-shirt for them? Honestly! If granny is as non compis mentis as she sounds, he could order all kinds of things on her credit card himself. Lame!

karen  03/22/07 1:20 pm
what the fuck else does she buy her grandson when she is tired?he probably slipped her something.lol.

Lord Westfall  03/22/07 2:18 pm
I think she's just a little distrusting after falling for the Nigerian give-me-your-bank-acct-info scam 5 times in a row without getting a check from the exiled heir to the throne.

KmQ13  03/22/07 7:56 pm
who the fuck dosent check what they're buying online and just throws their credit card informationo out there?? that kid should use her idiocity to his advantage! rob the old cunt!!! i dont even know if idiocity is a word...if it isnt her stupidity is fucking getting to me.

Tess  03/22/07 9:24 pm
What's hilarious... well, ONE of the things that's hilarious about this is that I suspect the t-shirt in question must be the "I only support gay marriage if both chicks are hot" one. She ordered THAT fucking shirt "for her grandson" and wasn't offended by the huge red text? It was only when she got the invoice that she decided to shit her nappy? She didn't notice the site name, for crying out loud? What the fuck? Lady, go back to your doctor and ask for stronger meds or new glasses.

stephanie  03/24/07 4:06 pm
Methinks gramma has this site bookmarked and got busted by grandson; not only for the website, but for being a lesbian as well. In order to save face, she had to send a nasty-gram and demand a refund. Gramma is an asshat.

meadow whore  03/25/07 1:46 pm
I do believe gramma is an asshat, and a lesbian, who wanted the shirt for heself. But the only obvious reason why she wanted to return it is that she discovered, after at last finding her glasses on a string around her neck, she wasn't hot, and therefore couldn't marry her gramma-friend Anne after all.

Foetus Eatus  03/30/07 7:50 pm
I'll have the foetus if she doesn't want it

Narcis  03/31/07 6:33 pm
I'll have your mum's pussy if she doesn't want it. But then again, it wouldn't be the same without her... Btw, time for a new newsletter to comment - things are starting to sound like this: "I'll have the foetus if she doesn't want it"

Arc  04/08/07 2:53 pm
OMG LMAO!!! damn dude your fuckin hilarious. even if you didnt send that shirt to the kid. the idea is fucking priceless. this place never ceases to make me luagh

Th3o  04/14/07 8:43 pm
is the bitch dead yet?


division

-----Original Message-----

From: Andrew RL

Sent: Saturday, March 10, 2007

Subject: God Dammit, You Fucking Guys

I have been a TSH member for over 3 months and I *have yet to win* even a *single* free T-shirt. Come on, what's wrong with you? What's a guy gotta do to win a single freakin' free T-shirt? I'm livin in the US of A, dealing with stagnant wages and increasing inflation. Come on, the the CPI is making my ass raw these days, and I even just moved into a brand-new income-restricted housing development.

Listen, it's simple: either you WANT to give me a free T-shirt(s) or you don't. In this business, you've got to WANT to win for it to actually happen. There's a saying in this business: "Act as if." Act as if ...I was your only customer. Act as if...making your quarterly profit projections was dependent on giving me a free T-shirt.

And have your rebuttals ready. I say, "Here's my credit card number?" BULLSHIT. Somebody says they have enough money they can drop $75 a pop on a bunch of scandalous T-shirts is LYING to you. They are literally starving babies so they can afford T-shirts that talk about their asses and tits.

Editor's Note: Jesus Ass-shaving Christ...I have never seen anyone react so passionately to not getting a free shirt. We get no shortage of people saying "Damn it! Where's my shirt!?" or "Give me a shirt you cocksuckers!!!", but I've never seen anyone be this deeply affected by it. I mean, to consider what it took for him to write all of this stuff and keep a full head of steam through the entire thing is kind of scary. It makes me think of Travis Bickle if he was lazy and irrelevant.

It's lit to pop and nobody ain't gonna STOP.Regardless, I'm glad you just watched Glengarry Glen Ross for the twentieth time and/or attended a seminar entitled "Business Sense for Douchebags." And while I appreciate any advice that will help our business, I think I'll go ahead and ignore the suggestions of a guy that whines like a bitch when he doesn't win a free t-shirt. I'm always open to any tips, but there's a long list of people I'll listen to before I get down to the guy who can only find employment as the guy McDonald's calls when the retard can't make it.

And fortunately for us, we don't have to act as if you're our only customer or that our profits depend on you getting a free shirt. We're in the fortunate position of having customers that understand that money can be exchanged for goods. And some of them even have jobs that allow them to earn said money so they'll be able to purchase the t-shirt of their choice without having to resort to eating a rat sandwich and discarded Jolly Rancher wrappers.

The part of your email about people choosing between buying t-shirts and feeding their children is downright ridiculous. People starve their babies because babies are annoying, not because they can't afford to feed them. That line also sounds like sour grapes. But rest assured Andrew, your parents abandoned you because you're a pathetic loser, not because you were a financial burden. Now go enter a contest that awards free paste. You must be hungry after writing that email.)

Comments (45) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Travis Bickle  03/15/07 6:38 pm
no comment.

Zak Schmidt  03/20/07 5:33 pm
Hmm, maybe he should've finished highschool. I'm only a senior there and I have a job that allows me to put down $75 dollars for a bunch of t-shirts. Hell, I'm even paying rent.

Mike Hawk  03/20/07 8:59 pm
My penis smells like oysters.

That is all.

Bloodinthepants  03/20/07 10:12 pm
I want to play the lottery in this guys world. I'd be a fucking millionaire.

Annie  03/20/07 10:15 pm
Andrew. You should have offered a blowjob in exchange for the fee T-shirt. Now, quit your damn whining. If you're a good boy, I'll send you a picture of me in my free T-shrt that I received from TSH in exchange for the blow job(s) I had to give everyone there. Sheesh, I hate whiners.

Anonymous  03/20/07 10:16 pm
Yeah, I think he was being sarcastic.

BioDork  03/20/07 10:58 pm
I have never won anything in my life...what makes this guy so special that he can DEMAND a shirt ?
If this guys gets anything but a free ass whooping i'll be very upset :P

Shakezula  03/20/07 11:47 pm
Jesus, I've been a member for over 5 years and have never won a shirt. Quit your bitching!

Shevvy  03/21/07 12:08 am
Are you guys lacking hate mail or something? It's March dude, and you're replying to mail sent in December.

Ax Crunsik  03/21/07 12:36 am
I've only been a member for a year and I have already won four free t-shirts! (I won the lazy little bitch contest twice) T-Shirt Hell kicks ass!

Denver  03/21/07 4:21 am
His letter was funny, your reply wasn't.

craven moorecock  03/21/07 7:23 am
you took his advice. act as if....hes a douche. if you want a shirt then buy one you pansy ass fuck

Gregor  03/21/07 8:24 am
All I wanted to say is Jesus Ass Shaving Christ is my new favorite cuss word!!!!

fanci  03/21/07 9:06 am
I've been a member too for several years...don't hear me whining about a FREE t-shirt, if I want one, i buy it. Again...what's up with the December hate mail and its March?

eighth-1der  03/21/07 10:09 am
wow, somebody went to school on student loans and got a business degree and studied all the corporate lingo like "going forward" and "proactive" (which, by the way are not actually acceptable syntax nor are most of them Enlgish words, but amalgamations).
But back to my point. If Andrew was as smart as his gay drama coach told him he was during "coaching sessions" he would have got a friggin job and paid for his school and not had a $600/month student loan payment when he got done.
And he would drive an '86 Citation he can afford instead of a new Acura RSX-S that costs more than his Section 8 apartment.
Lastly (cool, I can use corporate lingo, too) he would know that he can get a job digging a ditch for $12/hr, change oil at Wal-mart for $11/hr, or be a carpenter or roofer for $15/hr or be a skilled laborer in 6-12 months and make $74,000/year (like I did) so then little Andrew could BUY lots of t-shirts (like I did).
But Andrew won't get a real job: he's too smart. Besides, those are the jobs that real Americans won't do. I say you send him one shirt "Fuck this job, let the Mexican have it." Send me the bill. And please also send him a clue.

Mustard Dick  03/21/07 10:55 am
You are not foolin me Stefan! I know that letter was you! You are so tricky. Just thank eighth-1der for picking up the tab on your shirt and the rest of us will get your rent, food, and other necessities you lazt piece of dog shit.

KualaLumpur  03/21/07 12:46 pm
"Somebody says they have enough money they can drop $75 a pop on a bunch of scandalous T-shirts is LYING to you."

WTF!?! I jus got two shirts for like $60! With shipping! Canadian!

Son, there's a reason you're not so well off... It's because with your business sense, you're getting hosed by everyone.

KEYSHA  03/21/07 1:23 pm
Only in America, do white people send ridiculus letters expressing their outrage over the DUMBEST SHIT! Instead of sitting on your FAT ASS at home, entering free t-shirt contests, GET A FUCKIN JOB, UNEMPLOYED FLOYD! Then, only then, will you be able to make $ to BUY t-shirts. ANDREA...Check between your legs... I think your missing a branch, girlfriend!

Sic  03/21/07 7:40 pm
man you should send him a t shirt smeared in shit or just shit either way works

Lucky the Leprechaun  03/21/07 10:20 pm
The guy McDonald's calls when the retard can't make it? And I thought Kevin Federline couldn't sink any lower...Shame on you K-Fed for trying to have all our free shirts, and at one time, that aborted fetus that America calls a pop star.

Cythe  03/22/07 2:01 am
Uh, just so you know, that faggot ripped off "Boiler Room" for 90% of his rant. Rent it, good movie. Vin Diesel, Ben Affleck, some Jew...

Oh and, I've been a TSH member (on various emails come and gone) for roughly 5 years now, and the Myspace group for about 8 months. Unlike this pussy emo bitch, I actually BOUGHT shirts.

"Act as if"...man, shut the fuck up. Act as if you can COME UP WITH YOUR OWN LINES.

rose  03/22/07 2:41 am
Hey Andrew, Just so's you know, CONTEST means LUCK OF THE DRAW. LUCK, not a little girlie-man hissy fit, WINS the free shirt. Quit bitching about your shitty luck. Sucks to be you asshole.

What The Fuck  03/22/07 10:16 am
I knew he existed!!!! --- This douche drinker embodies the Torsoless Ted I mentally masturbate to ... some fucking "eight pound watermelon head" whose irritated vagina scrapes the ground due to the buckling of the knees under the surmountable pressure to keep his massive cranium vertical --- Son of a bitch; does that mean the Easter Bunny is real too???, ‘cause I've got some eggs he can find!!

spunkmonkey  03/22/07 10:29 am
ILIKEPIE!!

tiff  03/22/07 2:13 pm
Come on, buddy! I've been a lazy little bitch all my life, and a registered one on T-Shirt Hell since 2001... you don't see me complaining that i've never won... it takes too much effort. And now you've gone and caused me to comment on your retarded email. loser.

Omar  03/22/07 3:33 pm
I've never seen retards in McDonald's... not even in the McPlay place.

TC-Hell  03/22/07 3:51 pm
How about this douchebag sell his computer or cut off his internet access to buy food for the baby if needed. Come up with a good idea for a shirt instead of waiting on one to be handed the fuck to him. Get off your ass and do something for yourself.

Karen P.  03/22/07 6:52 pm
What a fucking idiot. Just because you join this site does not guarantee you to win a t-shirt. So quit pissing and moaning and get a life.

KmQ13  03/22/07 8:05 pm
seriously. In addition to Karen P.s short sweet and to the point statement..YOU IDIOT IT HAS ONLY BEEN 3 MONTHS YOU IMPATIANT FOOL!!!! i bet you're one of those people who gets everything they ask for. greedy spoild p.o.s.

Jessie  03/22/07 9:31 pm
God. I'd think this couldn't possibly be for real, but one thing I have learnt from reading the hate mail here is that people are invariably bigger fuckwits than you thought possible. "Act as if I'm your only customer?" Well, in that case we're losing money and have to cut our expenses. Which includes sending free tshirts to whiny asswipes.
That being said, I really, really hope this guy was joking. Because if not, I need to go find this guy and spike his Kool-Aid, and I got a busy schedule here.

Kinja Kid  03/23/07 4:42 am
I can see that Andrew was just trying to make a joke, but did that not a make a lot of sense or am I just stoned? (I mean, I know I'm stoned, but did his comment not make sense in addition to that?)

MaleWhore  03/23/07 6:54 am
Act as if.... I cared.

Beefcake Snickerdoodle  03/23/07 4:17 pm
is anyone voting for the nigger?

moly pooper  03/23/07 6:10 pm
That was an awesome letter.

Willow  03/23/07 8:43 pm
what planet did this dipshit come from? i want to go visit because all i would have to do is sit there and whine for less than a second and get a whole bunch of free shit.....ROAD TRIP!!!

D  03/24/07 12:45 am
was this sent in as a joke or was this guy seriously that pissed for not getting a free t-shirt? best part of the reply "People starve their babies because babies are annoying". thats just good clean humor.

Candice  03/24/07 2:21 am
That was entertaining, what a jackass.

rose  03/24/07 4:34 am
Kinja Kid,

Beefcake Snickerdoodle  03/26/07 4:37 pm
Moly Pooper...Thanks for the kind words.

tom  03/27/07 9:40 am
I would never say "Give me a shirt you cocksuckers!!!" I'd worry that it would be the one day each year the cocksuckers aren't in charge of giving away free shirts.

No. 1 LOSER  03/28/07 1:42 pm
This guy doesn't deserve a FREE T-shirt. Has he ever let complete strangers ass and cunt fuck him while giving 2 other guys a blow job on top of urinating in an ice-cold martini glass all the while being displayed on the dining table of a politician (sorry can't share her ehem, @#llary's name) during Bill's surprise birthday party? I DON”T THINK SO! I THINK I SHOULD GET A FREE T-Shirt!!!

ImthShThatHapens  04/01/07 10:49 am
Sounds like me in the history books, ImthShThatHapens made zillions when she stumbled upon the recipe for a pill that made everyone happy all of the time......

then, she married their imaginary friend.

ImthShThatHapens  04/01/07 10:50 am
Sounds like me in the history books, ImthShThatHapens made zillions when she stumbled upon the recipe for a pill that made everyone happy all of the time......

James Files  04/02/07 4:15 am
Fuctard that the guy is. Who gives a fuck if u win a shirt or not. if you do the so what if not go fuck a sheep or two and ull feel better retard. whiney ass lil' bich!

Arc  04/08/07 3:30 pm
ok before I get started on this dumbass. T shirt hell sells shirts at $18 a piece. they have at my guess (aint looked honestly too lazy to give a fuck) maybe 500 to 1,000 accounts here and there. so give each a free T-shirt thats a loss of $9,000 - $18,000. thats not counting employee cost, fabrics, ink, electricity, rent, shipping and handling (on shipped orders), website cost, and so on. with that said onto the e-mail.
"Listen, it's simple: either you WANT to give me a free T-shirt(s) or you don't." - Answer. they dont your a fucking loser. please solve said problem with suicide.
""Act as if." Act as if ...I was your only customer. Act as if...making your quarterly profit projections was dependent on giving me a free T-shirt. " - see above for the loss dipshit. but sorry my bad your lazy so I'll make it easy. 500 people buy 1 shirt each thats $9,000 they dont give you one free thats $18., gee hard choice. Andrew. do us a favor please. seriously. kill your self. your taking up valuable air we all can use


division

-----Original Message-----

From: BUDD M.

Sent: Friday, February 23, 2007

Subject: I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED.....

I SAW A SHIRT DESIGN IN YOUR CATALOG IN WHICH AN AMERICAN FLAG IS BEING BURNED, WITH THE TAGLINE "WHY WASTE GOOD TOILET PAPER?" BENEATH IT....I'M A PRETTY SMART GUY, BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE SAYING. IT MAKES NO SENSE TO ME, AM I MISSING SOME SORT OF JOKE? IF YOU'VE GOT SOME SORT OF EXPLANATION FOR THIS, PLEASE SHARE IT WITH ME. THANKS IN ADVANCE.

Editor's Note: I'm usually snide or sarcastic with my comments, but I'm going to cut the crap here and just explain to you what that shirt means. That shirt means that you are a fucking idiot.

We don't need no water...And just to correct you, no, you are not a pretty smart guy. Either you've been lied to and patronized your entire life, or the only time you leave the house is on Opposite Day. Whatever the case, I just want to reiterate that you are not a smart guy. And it's not just because you didn't understand the shirt. It's also because you don't understand the function of the 'Caps Lock' button.

And because rather than take two seconds to ask a friend (annoyed co-worker) what that shirt means, you decided to contact the company that makes it and waste everyone's time and energy. Fuck, man...the first time you saw a box of Cap'n Crunch did you find the 'comments and suggestions' number on the side of the box and ask the company why they hired a captain to represent their cereal?

In the future, if you don't understand a shirt, just do what everyone else does. Go fuck your mother.

Comments (22) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Tim  03/21/07 1:21 am
i really hope the guy who wrote this letter reads this.
you may be inclined to think that the 'editors' comments were made only because he is meant to be funny, and not because they are true, but rest assured i make my comments because i mean them:
you're an absolute fucking retard
not a pretty smart guy
i'm an australian and even i get the shirt
i'm a red-headed fucking arts student and even i get the shirt
but just in case you have an actual reason for not understanding the shirt, let me explain plainly:
it's called an allusion dickhead, referring to the fact that your mum (sorry, mom), could wipe your arse (ass) with the good old stars and stripes, instead of using the hard earned money she made stripping to buy your donald duck toilet paper.
get the shirt now fuck-knuckle?
glad to help .

Dwaine Scum  03/21/07 6:12 am
Have you ever noticed, people who use the comment "I'm a pretty smart guy", usually aren't? Just like girls on myspace that swear they are cute but have no pictures in tier profiles. The more you know...

islandmonk  03/21/07 11:18 am
He's confused because he doesn't burn toilet paper--and therefore, burning a flag doesn't save toilet paper. You can't wipe your ass with flag ashes. Now I'm confused--and I really am a pretty smart guy.

Mikey  03/21/07 12:40 pm
Yeah, right on Tim - in fact why waste good toilet paper on your arse when you can save a bunch of it up and shove it down the throat of a helpless Australian child, then stand there masturbating as it slowly chokes to death. Not only for the obvious humour aspect, but also to make sure it doesn't become another chirpy, ginger, incestuous Aussie prick like you.

You just repeated exactly what the post said, removing all the wit, originality and humour. Never do that again or you're sleeping outside in the yard or kagaroo pit or whatever the fuck you degenerate criminal freaks keep out the back of your jerry-built mudhuts.

Jayque  03/21/07 3:59 pm
They have Donald Duck toilet paper?! I have to fucking buy some with the money I was going to use to buy this shirt. Sorry TSH!

Pita  03/21/07 4:31 pm
Islandmonk and Moron, The shirt is saying not to burn the flag, to use it as toilet paper instead. I know what i'm talking about, because unlike you pretty smart men, I am a woman.

Brian  03/21/07 7:43 pm
Great, now I want to know why they made Cap'n Crunch and had the idea to name it after a Captain. Thanks a lot!

Jesus Christo  03/21/07 9:03 pm
Pita, perhaps if you weren't penis impared you'd have realized that Islandmonk was making a joke of his own. We often refer to type of clever man joke as being "sarcastic" Sar-cas-tic. Now why don't you go back in the kitchen and make me some pie?

MikeyMike  03/21/07 9:03 pm
I was wearing that shirt when I fucked his mother.

fantasyfreddy  03/21/07 10:08 pm
I think Tim is wrong, and the T-shirt can best be understood by pyros...
pyros love burning toilet paper (because what else is there to do while you're waiting for the shit to come out? also, it's pretty..)
but, the shirt is suggesting, why not burn the flag and not waste good toilet paper.
at least, that is what i think it means!!! (i haven't seen the shirt, so i'm just winging it...)

Keith D  03/22/07 8:29 am
Dude, you should add links in the newsletter to the t-shirts people are referring to. It'd save my lazy ass having to go look for them.

spunkmonkey  03/22/07 10:29 am
i like pie...

clown slappin slut monkey  03/22/07 11:55 am
you so funny!

deadpig  03/22/07 6:12 pm
Yeah you fucking cocksucker take that!

Moribundi  03/22/07 8:09 pm
I'm just wondering why all the people that comment on this site a fucking idiots? Hmmm... Save a flag, burn a moron.

Spam  03/22/07 8:59 pm
I thought this shirt was designed by an Iraqi - don't they use our flag as toilet paper?

Fuck Celtic  03/23/07 4:13 am
Erm, Retard!

D  03/24/07 12:51 am
i resent that. don't put us all in the same bunch as this guy. last time i didn't understand one of your shirts i fucked a friends mom and then she explained it to me.

darris  03/25/07 10:51 pm
Dude, im gonna call captain crunch right now to ask them. what a great idea! haha greatness

EVEN SMARTER GUY  03/30/07 8:00 pm
HOW DO YOU FUNCTION THE CAPS LOCK? ITS DAMN HARD! I CAN TELL YOU THAT MUCH...

Arc  04/08/07 3:54 pm
half ass paying attention to this dipshit. but what the fuck I am drunk and bored. in JROTC our commanding officer told us that if a flag touches the ground its to be burned and buried. now that i got out the reason to burn the flag (respectfully) out of the way. on to the shirt. you just shit yourself a big load of shit. you have no towels, no paper, nothing but your fingers and a oddly place flag, made of cloth. both are washable. what do you use?

omgursuchaniglib  08/09/07 12:39 am
HEY um KEYSHA who said the guy was white? I can hear that nasty-ass attitude through the keyboard right now "oh no he didn't only in america white fools be cumpahlainin abow stu-pid shi"

division

-----Original Message-----

From: Vienna**** @ ***.com

Sent: Monday, March 5, 2007

Please remove one of the shirts from your site. I find most of your products entertaining, but the T that says save gas - ride the handicapped is too much. Please take it down.

Thanks, V.

Editor's Note: Please remove yourself from the world. I find some of your retarded antics entertaining, but your life as a whole is too much. Please kill yourself.

I'm just trying to put into perspective what some of you goddamn assholes actually ask of us. You don't like something, so you just want to ban it from the world? Well some people don't like your dumb ass. Should we be allowed to just get rid of you?

Sweatshop labor - the next industrial revolution!You know, the Nazis tried to get rid of something they found offensive. They were called Jews. Wait...that's a bad analogy, because our shirts are awesome!

Anyway, we aren't trying to suggest that people should actually ride the handicapped. That shirt is simply a social statement about the way Muslim women get treated. And if that shirt has the impact I'm hoping it will have, they'll get flogged in public even more often. All hail Allah and his little brother Corky.

Comments (42) - View Comments - Add A Comment

alexis  03/20/07 5:28 pm
lol... remove urself from the world. lol.

Annie  03/20/07 10:18 pm
I guess this means that all the tickets I bought to ride the handicapped are now null and void?

Denver  03/21/07 4:24 am
Nazi analogy? Godwin's law reigns supreme.

Ed Khitlik  03/21/07 4:56 am
Heh Heh he said gas heh heh that rhymes with ass - heh heh im an idiot heh heh

just this guy... you know?  03/21/07 5:28 am
lol who the fuck does he think he is

Dragon Momma  03/21/07 6:40 am
A good friend of mine IS handicapped and he loves that shirt! So, dude...you don't like it, tough shit. Piss off! If you don't like it, just don't open the site! GEEZ! *shakes head* Douchebag. Tho the term fucktard fits here as well.

brick  03/21/07 7:39 am
damn straight...people are fucking stupid...at least then handicapped people serve a purpose besides just taking up space and being shitty drivers

Aleph-One Monkeys  03/21/07 8:24 am
If the handicapped didn't want to be ridden, they wouldn't come fitted with wheels.

fanci  03/21/07 9:15 am
I have a handicap friend...he says that shirt has 2 different meanings and actually owns one of the shirts. So, yeah, I would say...the same...remove YOURSELF from the world.

KEYSHA  03/21/07 1:51 pm
LMMFAO!!!

Jenni  03/21/07 2:08 pm
I don't understand what is so bad about the shirt. I have actually seen a guy riding on the back of his friends electric wheelchair almost everyday down my street. Freankly I wish I had thought of it first.

Kenny G, bitches  03/21/07 2:30 pm
Why is it that Christian pseudo-crusaders and Republicans always feel the need to shove their views into everyone's faces while trying to get rid of everything that damages their fragile sensibilities? I figured out at 5 years old that if I don't like something I'm seeing, I should just look away. First Amendment, motherfuckers.
On a side note, I'd rather ride a handicapped person than a Segway. True, you might get some weird looks riding those things, but at least someone won't try to push you off the handicapped person and beat you to death with it.

Christopher W Turpin  03/21/07 4:09 pm
I just want to know how to find the damn shirt on the website. My fucking roommate has be aggravating me to get him a goddamn shirt like that for months. I think he is inspired by all the tacky T's I own. I think the fucking shirt is hilarious, so does my roommate. By the way, he is handicapped.

123michelle321  03/21/07 9:36 pm
Handicapped people are funny

Juggle_This  03/22/07 12:16 am
I happen to know two handicapped people, and they are both named Dave. They like Ice Cream.

macbastard  03/22/07 2:34 am
the best thing about riding the handicapped is you get the best parking spots.

Sarah  03/22/07 5:57 am
"You don't like something, so you just want to ban it from the world? Well some people don't like your dumb ass. Should we be allowed to just get rid of you?"

... Dude.... You're my hero !

T Pot  03/22/07 7:12 am
She's one to talk, she gave my brother head yesterday. and hes a fuckin amputee. Fuck you lady, and he really needs his air tank back, even though you love to stick it up your fat asshole. peace.

meadow whore  03/22/07 9:32 am
I'm thinking about taking this beautiful idea a little further. Folks, I propose the handicapped as a public transport. If they all would pull this great platform 7 Am every morning, and then home again from my work at Amnesty at 5 Pm, it would save the environment even more. Thinking you can ride those things for yourselves? stingy bastards...

spunkmonkey  03/22/07 10:30 am
I like pie! I like pie!! I like pie! I like pie!! I like pie! I like pie!! I like pie! I like pie!! I like pie! I like pie!!

Jesus Christ  03/22/07 11:14 am
After I got nailed to the cross, I lost all use of my ankles, and couldn't walk. I got round in a miniature chariot, all the kids thought it was great fun, they would jump on board as I whelled around everywhere, touching them innappropriately. There was this one kid, Manuel, he had the tightest... hold on where was I.... fuck it. The shirts good enough for me, it's good enough for you ungrateful cunts.

clown slappin slut monkey  03/22/07 12:01 pm
I like cake.

TQ  03/22/07 1:23 pm
So V, all the shirts about midgets, gays, Africans, immigrant, blacks, women, sexual practices, and child labor, and you object to the "ride the handicapped" line? Do us all a favor- get sterilized. We don't need little "V" children with equally uptight assholes and damaged minds.

What The Fuck  03/22/07 1:29 pm
I believe I’ll take your t-shirts advice and catch a ride on the retard express; starting with Ass Clown and Rainbow Butt Monkey here because apparently they like dessert ... Get ready water heads… I’m about to fill your pie & cake holes with something sweet and sticky!

Staci  03/22/07 3:50 pm
I'll remove her for a free t-shirt. LOL

i still have the bigger dick.  03/22/07 8:13 pm
i AM handicapped. paralized from neck down from m dumb ass diving into shallow water....whole nother story. anyway i OWN that shirt. so FUCK OFF V. oh and good point TQ.

Moribundi  03/22/07 8:14 pm
I love the fucking social commentary. It's fantastic. It's almost as if the fucking author didn't write a response as funny or as complete as you guys! Gee, gives me an idea... Maybe someone should start a t-shirt company that sells offensive shirts, then we, the collective, could comment on the angry emails we get, and watch the hilarity ensue.

stewed pecker  03/23/07 8:59 am
I'm handicapped also. I love to ride down the street with a chick sitting on my face while I run over kids on tricycles and knock old people over. I especially like running over the old people because you can hear their bones crunch when the front wheels hit them. Love that shirt too. I've worn it so much I think I'd better order another!

I sucked Hilary's Dick  03/23/07 11:25 am
It's cool when Quadriplegics orgasm.

Mark  03/23/07 11:23 pm
I have this shirt, its bad ass and everyone who reads it, loves it, even my handicapped mom

D  03/24/07 1:03 am
you guys are lucky to have handicapped friends, you can just look at them and have yourselves a good laugh anytime you want. so unfair. and "what the fuck"...your comment by far the funniest thing on this entire page. can't stop laughing at that. i think you have a bright future at TSH replying to e-mails.

DesertElephant  03/24/07 3:29 pm
Damn people are too sensitive. I'm missing a fucking foot, but I love my "Save Gas, Ride the Handicapped" shirt. Goat-fucking wussy bastard.

Beefcake Snickerdoodle  03/26/07 4:45 pm
I think I'm in love with a retarded Meadow whore. Oh, Meadow Whore- mind if I ride you to work? (And I'm not interested in lipservice, as oral is never the answer). Think how good for the environment all our car-pooling would be. Come on baby, give a fuck. The Beefcake is all about the environment.

Dennis  03/28/07 12:24 pm
One of my goof friends is in a wheel chair for the rest of his life, and finds the " ride the handicapt" shirt fucking hillarious.

Hannah  03/29/07 7:27 pm
What the fuck??? I don't understand how these dumb asses can think that just because they don't like it, that means we should all be deprived of a great shirt. There are indeed some shirts on this site that I personally do not find amusing, but they are no more insulting then any other shirt on this site. I look at the shirt, don't laugh, and move on to one that IS funny. FUCK you twats. Grow up. I don't like a lot of things, but I don't constantly bitch about it.

RichardCranium  03/30/07 7:03 am
can the handicapped ride you?

Who am i? probably rich and famous like you mom when she gave me a blowjob  03/30/07 8:05 pm
I don't understand... what's wrong with riding the handicapped?

James Files  04/02/07 4:11 am
HAHAHAHA. stupid fuck! i have a disabled brother and know the serious ness of that shit and even i find that shirt funny. that fuck needs to get over himself and his uber superficial feelings!

Cee  04/04/07 4:29 am
Haha, you kill me. I could read this shit for days.

Herr Friedmann  04/04/07 11:50 am
I think jews are awsome too.

El Negro  04/14/07 9:07 pm
Meadow Whore youre my fucking hero, you fucking rock!!!

sockit2ya  08/09/07 12:47 am
because you are a jew FRIEDMAN


division

It Rhymes With "Blend" And This Is It - Nope, The Answer Was "Nachos"

Ask not what your country can do for you. Because the answer is never oral sex.

Peace

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