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03/27/06

The End of March Thing

First things first. By definition. Let’s see what’s happening in the news. Or should I say ‘what’s happening in the Jew-run media’. I’ll report the stories in the order that they are numbered.

#1 - March Madness is almost over and I lost $800 in the office pool. Thanks a lot, University of Phoenix Online Wildcats.

#2 - Debra Lafave was recently acquitted on charges of having sex with a minor. And I personally feel she owes Michael Jackson a big ‘Thank you’ for paving the way for white female pedophiles all across the country.

#3 - It’s time for tax season and baseball season. I was going to make a joke about how I don’t know which one is worse, but instead I’m just going to the nearest junior high with a bottle of Jack and see what happens. Ta ta, clit-lickers.
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New Shirts For That Ass! I Mean Torso

We have added 10 new shirts this go ‘round. So unless you’re allergic to cotton or evil, chances are we’ve got the shirt for you. We’ve got a shirt about the true tragedy of 9-11. A shirt for people who like their Jesus with a side order of fries. And eight more shirts that deal with rape, drugs, oral sex, and everything in between. Meaning we have a couple of girl shirts this week. Whether they’re fat or just their boobs are. Enjoy.

All of our new shirts are here:
http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt_032706.htm

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Retarded Fish in a Shallow Barrel

There is big news from the world of Scientology. Scientology's most well-known face and its' biggest celebrity, Tom Cruise, has just become an OT VIII (Operating Thetan level 8), the highest OT level a Scientologist can reach. At this stage a Scientologist is capable of flying, can become invisible, read and control people's thoughts, move objects with his or her mind, and do virtually anything else that we mortals consider inconceivable.

I wanted to talk to Cruise about this, so I decided to contact him. But before I could he called me up and said he'd be glad to do it. Then he told me to turn off the oven before cookies burned. Oh he's good. Anyway, Tom and I later met up at his compound. I'd give you a location, but Tom's compound is wherever his mind feels like creating it. So we met at a Dunkin' Donuts and I just let the beauty envelop me. Here is the conversation that took place.

T-SHIRT HELL: Thanks for joining me here Tom.

TOM CRUISE: You need not thank me, for we are all responsible for our own . . . things.

TSH: Our own things?

TC: Yes.

TSH: Alright. So, tell me a little about your path to becoming an OT level . . .

TC: An OT level 8? I knew you were going to say that. For Xenu has opened my mind's other mind. Now I can see that past, present and future are all intertwined.

TSH: Yeah. And plus I told you that's what we were going to talk about.

TC: Maybe Xenu has just made you think that you already told me, so that your mind is not blown by my awesome power.

TSH: Okay, I can see where this is going. So Tom . . .

TC: You may address me as Tom.

TSH: (sigh) So, TOM . . . what was it like going from OT I to OT VIII? Tell me a little abo-- Why are you taking your pants off?

TC: Xenu has willed it. Do not worry. I will blind your eyes to the power of a Level 8's body, so that you may not be blinded.

TSH: Keep your pants on, you weird fuck! We're in the middle of Dunkin' Donuts, for God's sake! Oh, that's just great. You just made that little girl cry.

TC: That little girl is being attacked by body thetans. I will sooth her by smearing her with Xenu's magical potion. (Tom begins masturbating near the little girl)

DUNKIN' DONUTS MANAGER: What the fuck are you doing, you sick asshole! Get the fuck out of my store! (Tom strips down to nothing and starts rolling around in the donut display)

TC: I'M FLYING! I'M FLYING! (With the help of two fellow employees, the Dunkin' Donuts manager pummels Tom Cruise and ejects him from the store. I go outside to finish the interview with a naked, bloody Tom Cruise)

TSH: Well . . . thanks for the interview Tom.

TC: No problem. You wanna come by the house later and tea-bag Katie?

TSH: Sure.

TC: See ya then.

So that was my evening with Tom Cruise. All in all I was very pleased with the meeting. And I'm proud to announce that Tom pulled some strings, and for the low price of $100,000, I became an OT III. I haven't yet found inner-peace, but I've become really good at parallel-parking. Bye for now (p.s. - Katie's a biter).
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Love is Blind - Hate Sees 20/20

-----Original Message-----

From: Tyrone M.

Sent: Monday, March 20, 2006 2:59 AM

Subject: Your shirts!

I would like to comment on your shirt that says "Arrest Black Babies Before They Become Criminals", to me that is very offense due to the fact that I have a 75% black and 25% mexican baby. For your company to already put labels on innocent babies isn't right. I know that it is meant to be humorous but in process when you hurt or offend people that isn't funny anymore. As an African American in America, we already have to be placed in these stereotypes everyday. And now, you can say that we have another to break through because of this T-Shirt. There are already ignorant people in this world that really believe that saying and now you have fueled that thought and have ignited some. So please, do us all a favor and stop making those shirts!

(Editor’s Note: First of all, let me thank you for telling me the percentage breakdown of your black/Mexican baby. Now I know which percentage I want to fuck and which percentage I want to club with a piano leg. I’m just kidding. I think. I respond to so much of this bullshit it’s hard to tell when I’m being sarcastic and when I’m being sincere anymore. In either case, I’d like to fuck your baby.

On to the rest of your letter. First, the easy insult. When you say African American, the fact that you live in America is implied. You don’t need to say ‘African American in America’. Second, the easier insult. You say you now have another stereotype to break through because of this shirt. And to that I can only say, you’re welcome. If it weren’t for our shirt and others like it, you would have no cause to fight for, thus giving you the time to realize how utterly meaningless your life is. So again, you’re welcome. And lastly, tell 75% of your baby that those gold teeth look stupid, and tell the other 25% of your baby to get back to work on my lawn. Byerone Tyrone.)

-----Original Message-----

From: Scott A.

Sent: Sunday, March 19, 2006 12:02 AM

Subject: the soldier shirt

I have been a customer in the past but let me tell you a little about me and my MARINE son. He does not want to kill anyone but as a father I tell him to do what has to be done. Now as far as what has to be done ,If you ever come to 39** En****o Cir.I will personally kick the living shit out of you and PISS on your bleeding face. Our soldiers protect your right to say what you want so FUCK YOU.

(Editor’s Note: Let me first applaud your son’s will power. You say he doesn’t want to kill anyone, and to me, that is just amazing. If the guy that has the world’s biggest douche for a father doesn’t want to kill anyone, I really have no right to kill all the people I’ve been killing.

Now about your threat. I didn’t think anyone but my mom and the guy that played Mr. Belvedere knew about my "piss on the bloody face" fetish. Have you been reading my diary? You dirty boy. Anyway, I’d like to thank the soldiers you refer to for protecting my right to say what I want. I guess I missed the part where they’re protecting your right to kick the shit out of someone and piss on them for simply selling some funny shirts, but we all have our own interpretations of the law. Well, I’m sorry to lose your business, but it’s worth it if I can call you a stupid asshole AND get pissed on.

Hope to see you soon, Scott. PS - Drink plenty of blue Gatorade before we meet. I don’t know why, but it seems to give urine a little extra kick.)

-----Original Message-----

From: Rhonda C.

Sent: Saturday, March 18, 2006 8:09 PM

Subject: in bad taste

to it concerns

Some of your shirts were funny and I know my older son would love a couple of them. But when I ran into the tshirt School shootings, that goes to far. My son was in the santana shooting and still cant forget that awful day. I cant believe you would actually make money out of other peoples heartache and death of inncent children. School shootings are no laughing matter. How do you people sleep at night?

(Editor’s Note: Whoa, this is weird. Your son was in the school shooting that I did? Man, what are the odds? That is amazing. Well, whatever the odds, be sure to send your son my congratulations on getting out okay. I seem to remember some kid saying, "Please kill me. My mom, Rhonda C., is a stupid cunt and I can’t spend another minute with her." Surely that wasn’t your son, because you seem like a really cool mom and not at all a stupid cunt. But I’ve been wrong about 57 dead ex-girlfriends, so what the fuck do I know? But in all seriousness, I’m offended by your implication that we make money off of heartache and the death of innocent children. The fact of the matter is, after supplying all those weapons and ammunition, we barely break even. And to answer your last question: it doesn’t matter and go fuck yourself you dumb bitch.)

-----Original Message-----

From: abs dynamic

Sent: Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Subject: one of ur designer is surely going to die (well be killed) . . . (well wisher)

u know something guys...first religion was the jungle religion than came prophet moses to say say there is only one god than came jesus to say theere is only one god

these prophets were sent by god

than came prophet muhammed (pbuh)

who is stick to moses are jesus who stick to jesus are christian who stick to the words of mohammed are muslim

so the all were gods messenger so live the jungle religion and follow them...

The one who make fun of any of these prophet will be dead

so the t’shirt made by ur designer bout prophet will be dead (killed) soon...very soon

get prepared for it...u can call me a terrorist or a true muslim..this web site have been checked by many muslim...and has been forwarded to many muslim...get ready for it...very soon u will realise what u people have done

(Editor’s Note: Nice try Hadji, but this isn’t the first time someone has tried to be so incoherent that I couldn’t insult them. I’ve dealt with this before. Even more so since we put up those Mohammed shirts. Must be a coincidence.

Anyway, on to the business of insulting you. First of all, how dare you say I make fun of your religion and then turn right around and make fun of mine? See, I worship the God of Correct Grammar. And you are practically spitting in his face and stabbing his vagina. Which my god is into, but that’s not the point. Regardless, all this is irrelevant. We can take turns taking potshots at each other’s gods, but in the end it accomplishes nothing. At least when I make fun of your god I make some money from shirt sales. But you threatening violence against me does nothing but waste your time. I’ll still be here next week responding to idiots like you. You’re not going to hunt me down and blow me up and Mohammed isn’t going to strike me down.

Just between you, me and everyone that reads this, you and Mohammed seem like a couple of douches. Now be a good little Muslim and go blow up a building so I can invest in American flags.)

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The Road to Hell is Paved With Good Intentions - And It Led You to the End of This Newsletter

You can’t judge a book by its’ cover. Unless you’re a Christian.

Peace