03/29/05

There was a school shooting at the Red Lake Indian Reservation last week.
Tribal Elders said it is the worst thing to happen to Native Americans
since- well actually pretty much everything has kind of sucked since 1621,
with the exception of casino gambling. With that, they all burst into tears
and proceeded to get hammered on firewater.

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New Shirts available to good homes, and bad people
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There is lots of crazy shit in the news. We have updated our school
shootings tour t-shirt to take advantage... I mean pay tribute to the most
recent tragedy. We also have a new shirt about Terri Schiavo. Plus, we
have four more shirts that are guaranteed to tickle your funny bone, and by
funny bone I mean that delicate piece of skin just below your asshole.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt465n.htm

If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste it
into your browser.

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A List of People I Don't Like, and Some That I Do
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A lot of people who are not as good as me, accuse me of being arrogant.
It's true I don't have much respect for most people, but I do respect a few.
Here is a list of some of those people. For the people I don't respect,
I've included some helpful hints on how to get their sorry lives back
on track!

I'm tired of the Pope. Fuck you, and the Pope Mobile you rode in on. The
Pope Mobile is a fucking Range Rover on chrome dubs you arrogant pimp;
aren't you supposed to be feeding the children or something like that?
Speaking of children, you might as well be President of NAMBLA you fucking
impotent pervert. And you don't believe people should be allowed to have
abortions or use birth control? Make up your mind because you have to give
the people something. What are they supposed to do, have babies?

There's no hope for you. Step down and let Al Sharpton be Pope. He would
give the Catholic Church serious street cred and whip it back into shape.
Perhaps he would even merge it with the Nation of Islam. Those Nation of Islam
guys would clear out all of the perverts in about ten minutes. After that,
Pope Sharpton could let them all eat bacon again and I'm sure that would
mellow those psychos out. Al Sharpton could fix the Catholic Church and The
Nation of Islam all by himself.

Angelina Jolie you need to stop yapping about Third World countries and take
your top off. Will someone please slide their thick cock between those full
lips and shut her up already? Give back that dirty little foreign baby and
devote your life to adult film.

The people fighting to keep Terri Schiavo alive need to find a hobby.
Congress wants to pass laws to protect vegetables like her? I just hope they
don't pass any laws that cover my garden because I was hoping to have a
salad for lunch. Congress needs to do something useful like pass more
tax cuts for the rich, specifically rich people in the dirty t-shirt
industry.

Donald Trump needs to go away. It's popular to make fun of Donald Trump's
hair, and wonder why he doesn't fix it. Because Donald Trump knows it's his
giant pumpkin head that's the real problem. His smoking hot new wife can't
stand the sight of him. She will only let him take her from behind,
provided he wears a bag over his head, they're at the bottom of a mine
shaft, and she is provided with a welder's mask. Donald, take some of that
money you were going to use to put gold leaf under your wallpaper, and buy
Brad Pitt's empty head, and put your brain in it. Your TV show sucks. The
only good thing about it is that eventually all of the morons that you hire
from this show, to help run your company, will drive it into the ground. I
can't believe you fired the girl with the big tits.

Now on to the people I respect...

I respect Ricky Gervais who created and starred in, "The Office". Yes, it
is kind of whorish to take money to help produce the steaming turd that is
the American version, but Ricky's a fucking genius and deserves to make some
real, American cash. I'm sure they paid him in quid, or crumpets, or some
other shit for the British version and he deserves better.

I respect Jimmy Carter. Fuck you I do.

I respect Larry David, who admittedly has too much money to still be
working. But, "Curb Your Enthusiasm" is brilliant so please don't stop.

I respect Al Roker who is not only an unsung comic genius; he also lost
about 300lbs with only minor medical assistance. Plus, he also predicts the
future (weather) with uncanny accuracy and speaks to the dead. In your face
John Edwards!

I respect the Kirstie Alley/John Travolta creature. I know a lot of people
still don't believe they are the same person. They point to all of the,
"Look Who's Talking" Movies. Well I saw "The Nutty Professor" and in one
scene there were 6 Eddie Murphys sitting around the table so that doesn't
prove shit. This bloated he/she created by the Scientologists should have
vanished back into the bowels of the Chrysler Building after, "Cheers". But
somehow it keeps reinventing itself, most recently "playing" a washed up
overweight actress. I'm not a fan of the show, or even the concept, but the
fact that you can get that show made deserves respect.

Now here are some people I really hate!

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Holier Than Hate Mail
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----- Original Message -----
From: "MF Brooks"
Sent: Sunday, March 27, 2005 8:39 AM
Subject: Arrest Black Babies T-Shirts

Please stop using your T-shirts to belittle other
people and cultures. Do you have any idea of the harm
you assit in perpetuating when you market negative
ideas? People out here are so starved for positive,
up-beat messages that I think you could make even more
money peddling uplifting ideas and concepts.

You should be more sensitive and circumspect about
what you put out. Remember, the lion that killed your
neighbor's sheep last night, will kill your's tonight,
unless you help you neighbor destroy that lion today.

MFBrooks

(Editor's Note: I'll tell you what MF, you can corner the market on positive
up-beat t-shirts. I'm sure you'll make a fortune. But what's the deal with
talking shit about my neighbor's sheep? If you were really a good person,
and you had any idea of what sick perversions my neighbor subjects his sheep
to nightly: you would know that they bleat and beg for death every day. My
sheep on the other hand are perfectly content. The only time they get any
action is when the owner of T-Shirt Hell comes over. But all of the sheep
agree he is a generous and considerate lover, and his dick tastes like foie
gras.)

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----- Original Message -----
From: Heather Ann
Sent: Sunday, March 27, 2005 10:45 AM
Subject: Olsen Twins Shirt

Not that I really care because I read allot of funny shirts and love them
but this one... "I FUCKED THE OLSEN TWINS before they were famous" is sick.
the Olsen twins were famous as babies, so someone fucked them as babies?
Ew. Just thought you like to think before you act and anyone I see where
this shirt I would slap because that is CHILD MOLESTATION.

Sincerely,
Heather Ann

(Editor's Note: Heather Ann I'm always amazed that people as stupid
as you are smart enough to send email. Perhaps you dictated this to your
keeper, or found someone else who took pity on you, and committed your
feeble thoughts to the page. Hopefully, they're pointing and laughing while
they read this to you. If we only sold that shirt to people who actually fucked
the Olsen Twins before they were famous, that would be less than a hundred
shirts. The rest of the people who buy it are kidding. They never fucked
the Olsen Twins. Alright, maybe they fingered Ashley but that hardly
counts. Maybe they tea bagged Mary-Kate but that is not the point. Our
t-shirts are designed to be purchased and enjoyed by people who are
reasonably intelligent. Do people ever mistake you for someone not in a
persistent vegetative state? They should yank your feeding tube and
strangle you with it. )

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----- Original Message -----
From: <sexybeast*** @ hotmail.com>
Sent: Friday, March 25, 2005 1:44 AM
Subject: latest t-shirt

Throughout the past few months I have been a very big fan of your site and
its hilarious t-shirts. But I must say your latest t-shirt about Terri
Schiavo is pretty uncalled for. I am not trying to be one of those pathetic
and retarded activists who are annoying as hell, but this t-shirt is very
cruel in that you are attacking someone who is completely unable to defend
themselves. I laugh at the hitler shirts, and the racist shirts, but this
is just a disgrace.

(Editor's Note: Do you think that by admitting it, that you have somehow
separated yourself from the other idiots who write in? But I would never
call you pathetic or retarded, as that would be an insult to pathetic and
retarded people everywhere. You think it's unfair that Terri Schiavo can't
defend herself? Like Hitler can defend himself? Not without jeopardizing
his whereabouts, and the whereabouts of his secret underground fortress!
Not to mention the shirt doesn't actually make fun of Terri Schiavo, it
makes fun of Kirstie Alley who I love and respect. But I hate you. I'm
going to tell Hitler you've been laughing at him, and when he returns with
his cyborg gorilla armies they are going to fuck you up, first.)

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----- Original Message -----
From: Chrismc*** @ aol.com
Sent: Thursday, March 24, 2005 8:00 PM
Subject: Re: T-Shirt Hell: Your order #276646 has been shipped

I do not want my son to whear the t-shirt "I'm high on life", as it also
says "and glue". That is not permited in our home. When he wanted to order
it he did not tell me the "and glue" part. Plus the shirt is too small. I
want to return it asap. Please reply;

Thanks,
Christine M.

(Editor's Note: Christine, is it the wearing of the glue sniffing t-shirt
that is not permitted in your home, or the actual glue sniffing? Your son is lucky
to have such a caring, involved parent. Although, clearly he finds it as easy to
manipulate you, as it is for him to manipulate his own ball sack while he pleasures
himself to his subscription to ellegirl magazine. Hopefully, he has found someone
a little brighter than you to help him with his homework. Your request to return
the shirt is denied. We are sending him a new shirt in a larger size.
Did he like the color?)

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----- Original Message -----
From: Milt*** @ ***aol.com
Sent: Thursday, March 17, 2005 8:57 AM

I'M PROUD OF YOU!!

i always look forward to getting my newest update on your tasteless humor...
i know it's all in good fun, and appreciate it for what it is. reading
through your latest edition as you mention something about the soldiers i
was bracing myself for something that just may cross the line with me.

i spent 5 years in the army, i was in iraq for the first go-around, i know
several soldiers that are in iraq this time and have lost some friends to
the war.

what a total shock and surprise it was to see that your new shirts for the
soldiers was just a sexual innuendo and nothing more... thank you for your
humor and not attacking the patriotism and pride of the boys and girls in
iraq!!

milt

(Editor's Note: Milt you are an asshole who has no idea what we are about.
Yes, this particular shirt does not attack the patriotism or pride of our
soldiers in Iraq. But that is not the point. We didn't have a funny shirt
idea that attacked our soldiers, their patriotism, and their pride, but that
sure as hell doesn't mean we won't have one in the future. And as far as
attacking goes, we may even send badgers to attack their spouses and
children who are sitting home defenseless. You're such a dick. You're
proud of us? Fuck you. We're ashamed of you and your pussy opinions on
what is an appropriate subject to mock, and how to go about mocking it. We
will dedicate our next outrageously anti-soldier shirt to you and any other
douchebag soldier who makes us ashamed to be Americans, and black women.)

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Road Rage Cards!
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Yes, Road Rage cards are still available. If you're anything like me, you'
re no less angry now then you were when you didn't order them last month.
In that time I'm sure plenty of people have cut you off, tailgated you, and
given you the finger. So what are you waiting for? They make a great gift
for Mother's Day or Pesach.

www.roadrage.com

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That's it. You're done. No more cookies for you, fatty.