DISNEY ON ICE
I FUCK GOOD
I'M HUNGRY AND YOU'RE A POTATO
CANADIANS ARE EH'HOLES
CAN'T WE JUST FUCK FOR ONCE? (Spoons)
999 - EVIL WHEN I DO HANDSTANDS
AT LEAST YOU'RE LOOKING AT MY SHIRT INSTEAD OF MY HUGE ERECTION
BRING BACK HAIRY PUSSIES
ABORT BORN AGAIN CHRISTIANS
ADMIT IT - YOU'D GO TO JAIL FOR THIS
ABRACADABRA - FUCK YOU'RE STILL UGLY
SLAVERY GETS SHIT DONE
IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT SHOW ME YOUR TITS
BLING-BLING
FUCKING CLASSY
THIS T-SHIRT IS 100% ORGANIC
NOT TONIGHT LADIES I'M JUST HERE TO GET DRUNK
I FUCKING LOVE TO CUDDLE
WHITE FLOUR
FREE HUGS (WORLD CHAMPION SLUT HUGGER)
I SHOULD BE IN THE KITCHEN

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WORST.GANGBANG.EVER

Hey there, you're looking very heterosexual today. April Fool's! As always, you look like a great big faggot. Remember to pay this April Fool's prank forward. When you're sucking your boyfriend's cock later, don't bring him to climax.

Anyway, how about that AIG? What with the bonuses and all... Don't even get me started. Seriously, don't. I don't know what any of that shit is about. What're they, like a school or something?

Natasha Richardson, actress you've never heard of, recently died after a skiing accident. An autopsy revealed she died of head trauma. Apparently this team of doctors was trying to win the Nobel Prize for "Most Pointless Autopsy in History."

I think the medical examiner should've violated the body and shot it a couple of times, just to spice up the story. Why am I the only person who thinks of these things? And why was I recently fired from my job as a medical examiner?

David Letterman married his longtime girlfriend last week. Not to be outdone, Jay Leno kept on sucking. Letterman said he would've been married much sooner, but they couldn't decide who would get Biff and who would get Rupert after the divorce.

After initially being attached to the project, it was recently announced Zac Efron would not be starring in a remake of Footloose. He said he'd love to remake Footloose, but he's busy filming a similar movie titled "Anusloose."

The Supreme Court recently heard arguments to decide whether or not a 2008 movie based on Hillary Clinton was constitutional. Jesus Christ... Is it me or does it seem like the Supreme Court is perpetually doing busy work? A fucking movie? Why don't you just discuss Beverly Hills Chihuahua while you're at it? Can't those old fucks do something useful and tend a garden or die?

On a recent trip to Africa, Pope Benedict said condoms are not the answer in the AIDS fight. So what is the answer? "That's easy," said the Pope. "Win five championships for the Lakers."

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picture 1

April Fool's, everyone's favorite non-Jesus holiday, is finally here. Come to think of it, Christianity in its entirety may be some kind of prank, so maybe it is Jesus related. Either way, it is time for April Fool's, perhaps the most underappreciated of all holidays.

You don't have to buy shit, see your family, pretend to care about some dead person/people, shove pounds of food down your gullet, or insincerely convey some emotions you don't have to that person you're boning. All you have to do is fuck with people.

The problem is that humanity's general shittiness has left most of us so skeptical it is virtually impossible to prank someone. I would like to help establish April Fool's as the preeminent holiday in America, so I have come up with some skeptic-proof pranks you can all play this year. Enjoy.

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-- Fire a machine gun loaded with blanks at the White House. Secret Service may not find your gag all that amusing, but once you shout "April Fool's!" you can't be arrested. That's a fact.

-- Rape a really hot girl. Then be like "April Fools! I don't find you physically attractive at all."

-- Send a bunch of Ethiopian kids pictures of you burning food. I don't think they're even aware of April Fool's over there, but that just makes it funnier.

-- At the family dinner table, unscrew the top of the salt shaker. The next person to use it will get salt everywhere! And when they lean over to clean up the mess, inject them with AIDS.

-- If you have a wife and kids who depend on you to provide for them, kill yourself. That's a lot to sacrifice, but comedy is all about commitment.

-- Replace your pastor's latest sermon with the script from Gremlins. It's likely no one else will notice, but it should make you laugh.

-- Throw darts at fat people. It’s not much of a prank, but fat people don't really deserve the effort.

picture 1-- Plant a bunch of blueprints for the Empire State Building in a Muslim guy's house and make an anonymous call to the FBI. Don't worry, Muslims have a terrific sense of humor.

-- Tell your parents you're not gay.

-- Wait until August 27. Walk into a Burger King and make your way back to the kitchen area. Cut off an employee's head and toss it in the deep fryer, then shout "April Fool's!" When someone says "It's August 27, you crazy asshole!" you just say "Oh..." and walk out.

-- Terminate your wife/girlfriend's pregnancy while she sleeps. Funny now, practical later.

-- Descend from the heavens dressed as Jesus. When all eyes are upon you, say "Sorry, not yet. Make sure your kids waste their time on this bullshit too." Then return to the clouds.

picture 1-- When he's not looking, paint a black guy white. He'll be so disappointed when he ends up getting hired.

-- Tie a bottle of glue to the end of a stick. Tie the other end to the top of a retard's head. Works as a prank or as transportation. (Note: You can also glue a tail to the back of a tard's pants and watch it chase the tail. God, they're a fun bunch.)

-- Kidnap a doctor and tie him up in a shed. Posing as his replacement, Dr. Frank Luftwich, tell all of his patients they have cancer.

-- If you truly want to make your mark on this day, exterminate six million Jews. People are still talking about that one.


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