April Fool's, everyone's favorite non-Jesus holiday, is finally here. Come to think of it, Christianity in its entirety may be some kind of prank, so maybe it is Jesus related. Either way, it is time for April Fool's, perhaps the most underappreciated of all holidays.

You don't have to buy shit, see your family, pretend to care about some dead person/people, shove pounds of food down your gullet, or insincerely convey some emotions you don't have to that person you're boning. All you have to do is fuck with people.

The problem is that humanity's general shittiness has left most of us so skeptical it is virtually impossible to prank someone. I would like to help establish April Fool's as the preeminent holiday in America, so I have come up with some skeptic-proof pranks you can all play this year. Enjoy.

-- Fire a machine gun loaded with blanks at the White House. Secret Service may not find your gag all that amusing, but once you shout "April Fool's!" you can't be arrested. That's a fact.

-- Rape a really hot girl. Then be like "April Fools! I don't find you physically attractive at all."

-- Send a bunch of Ethiopian kids pictures of you burning food. I don't think they're even aware of April Fool's over there, but that just makes it funnier.

-- At the family dinner table, unscrew the top of the salt shaker. The next person to use it will get salt everywhere! And when they lean over to clean up the mess, inject them with AIDS.

-- If you have a wife and kids who depend on you to provide for them, kill yourself. That's a lot to sacrifice, but comedy is all about commitment.

-- Replace your pastor's latest sermon with the script from Gremlins. It's likely no one else will notice, but it should make you laugh.

-- Throw darts at fat people. It’s not much of a prank, but fat people don't really deserve the effort.

-- Plant a bunch of blueprints for the Empire State Building in a Muslim guy's house and make an anonymous call to the FBI. Don't worry, Muslims have a terrific sense of humor.

-- Tell your parents you're not gay.

-- Wait until August 27. Walk into a Burger King and make your way back to the kitchen area. Cut off an employee's head and toss it in the deep fryer, then shout "April Fool's!" When someone says "It's August 27, you crazy asshole!" you just say "Oh..." and walk out.

-- Terminate your wife/girlfriend's pregnancy while she sleeps. Funny now, practical later.

-- Descend from the heavens dressed as Jesus. When all eyes are upon you, say "Sorry, not yet. Make sure your kids waste their time on this bullshit too." Then return to the clouds.

-- When he's not looking, paint a black guy white. He'll be so disappointed when he ends up getting hired.

-- Tie a bottle of glue to the end of a stick. Tie the other end to the top of a retard's head. Works as a prank or as transportation. (Note: You can also glue a tail to the back of a tard's pants and watch it chase the tail. God, they're a fun bunch.)

-- Kidnap a doctor and tie him up in a shed. Posing as his replacement, Dr. Frank Luftwich, tell all of his patients they have cancer.

-- If you truly want to make your mark on this day, exterminate six million Jews. People are still talking about that one.

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-----Original Message-----

From: Igor R.

Hi,

I wanna open a t-shirt shop in Brasil, and i wanna know just for knowledge becouse i dont want to waste my money:

How much T-Shirt Hell sells each month?

How many shirts is selled each month?

What's the cost for server and maintenance of the site?

Thanks for your patient,

Igor R.

Editor's Note: Based on how coherent and well-written this email was, let me go ahead and tell you not to waste one more second pursuing this foolish, foolish dream. Not that you have to be a fukking jenious to sell shurts, but it appears to me that you need to focus every brain cell you have on keeping your heart and lungs functioning simultaneously.

Allow me to suggest a more achievable goal. Perhaps you can try getting an erection without punching it because you thought a sorcerer cast a spell on your "yellow water maker." Or maybe you can try chewing and swallowing your food instead of trying to press it directly into your stomach because you're hungry NOW.

Wait... I just realized this may have been poorly written because you live in Brazil. I believe the official language of Brazil is "shameless transsexual," so there may have been something lost in translation.

You're totally overlooking the obvious here. T-shirt websites are a dime a dozen these days, but as a Brazilian you're in a perfect position to corner a specific market. Instead of adding to an already oversaturated market, you can start "nauseatingly-colorful-bullshit-for-hedonistic-assholes-hell.com." You'll have the monopoly. For at least 7 hours.

Fuckin' internet, right?

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-----Original Message-----

From: cajun

you full of shit,i used to be your best customer,i sent you better ideas than anything you were sellingand never heard jack shit back"FUCK YOU"I HOPE YOU STARVE TO DEATH ASSHOLES

Editor's Note: Let me get this straight... You think you were our best customer because you submitted ideas? Of the countless situations where "best" is a point of argument, a customer is not one of them. The best customer is always the person who buys the most shit. And looking at my sales list, I'm not noticing a "Cajun" or "Stupid Twat" anywhere on it.

Regarding your shirt ideas, all I can say is that we buy several ideas every week. And considering how many of those are met with public indifference, I have to imagine yours are so fucking lame they don't even qualify as "we'll see if some drunken asshole will buy it." So take whatever 20-year-old joke or lame play on "Got Milk?" your catheter-bag-juice-soaked brain could come up with and go jump up your mom's regretful snatch.

Lastly, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I won't be starving to death any time soon. Because I know the secret that will one day rescue all of humanity from world hunger: Your mom's vagina is the world's buffet.

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-----Original Message-----

From: John M.

PLEASE READ !!!!!!!! THANK YOU hey u fags and faggettes lol whats crackin fuckers i two years ago was given a little more that a year to live no shit i fuck withyou not dudes i was told i have melostatic melenoma not a good speller i found your site while in the hospital on the net and your shirts brought me house of laughs and some of my friends ordered me 1 or 2 or 3 shirts now and its now been 3 years sence the diagnoses so fuck those docters up there cock schute

i wish i could support you in a different way by buying some of your t shirts but money is really tight this cancer things a bitch lol but i promise yall wonce i get on my feet money wise ill buy some shirts yall keep doing what ur doing cause it provides humor to thousands and thats important keep it up fuck tards

Editor's Note: Fuck off and die.

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-----Original Submission-----

From: MONGO

DON'T GO SO FAR LEFT YOUR STARTING TO LOOK LIKE DOUCHE BAGS

Editor's Note: Okay, here are our new stances on everything.

No abortions unless the baby is gay. Everyone, including retards, should be issued a gun. There should be forced prayer in school; Muslim, Jewish, agnostic or atheist children will be served as lunch meat to the Christian children. Open borders, but only for purposes of exterminating all Mexicans. Ban gay marriage, gay home ownership, and gay genitalia. No welfare, Medicaid or any of the services you pay taxes for. WAR WAR WAR WAR WAR!!!!

I hope I've fully convinced you I'm on the right side now. I suppose instead of asking everyone on the planet to believe exactly as you do you could be like us and do whatever the fuck you want and not care about what "wing" it makes you. Nah, fuck that. I need this fight.

LEFT VERSUS RIGHT FOREVER, BABY!

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[That's All She Scrote]

Anything worth doing is worth doing well. And that includes nothing.