Have you heard? The situation in Iraq has stabilized. Peace is sweeping across the Middle East and our soldiers will be coming home any day now. Also, the economy has completely recovered and gas prices are way down. APRIL FOOLS'! Life still sucks and we'll be stuck in Iraq for another ten years. Isn't that hilarious?
Speaking of the wa- I mean the colossal success in Iraq, we reached yet another milestone this past week when American soldier #4000 was killed in action. But don't you lose any sleep over that. With the economy in the shape that it's in, we'll have a nearly inexhaustible amount of poor people perpetually looking to enlist. And the war has helped cripple the economy, so as you can see, this is all part of God's (George W. Bush's) perfect/hilarious cycle.
In sports news, the NCAA tournament is down to the Final Four. Go Fightin' Who-gives-a-fucks!
In entertainment news, Britney Spears recently appeared on an episode of How I Met Your Mother. And I am beyond burnt out on Britney humor. Just go watch Leno.
Sen. John McCain on Tuesday tried to connect with voters on a personal level by visiting his high school and sharing memories of what he called some of his happiest years. He remembers staying up all night cramming for a chemistry test and proudly said he can still name all four elements.
In a major change, the American Heart Association said Monday that hands-only CPR -- rapid, deep presses on the victim's chest until help arrives -- works just as well as standard CPR for sudden cardiac arrest in adults. So, mouth-to-mouth is no longer necessary. This doesn't really have any effect on my life. I was always more of an ass-to-mouth girl anyway.
Our latest bunch of new shirts has arrived just in time for Wayne Newton's birthday. Hey, you celebrate your savior, I'll celebrate mine.
We've added shirts that speak on behalf of the unconscious and on behalf of the first amendment. There are also new ones for people who hate women, nannies, and parking; not necessarily in that order. Regardless, they are sure to piss off everyone in your local Wal-Mart. Everyone who can read, anyway.
All of our new shirts are here:
And check out TorsoPants.com's new TorsoPants as well:
(warning - if you're not a fan of dry humor, do not go to TorsoPants)
As November approaches, it seems almost certain that Barack Obama will be the next President of the United States. Not since FDR defeated Jimmy the Overtaxing Rapist has an election been this in the bag.
That's not to suggest that it's always been smooth sailing for the Senator. There have been speed bumps along the way. There was the coke thing, but that went away quickly enough seeing as how snorting coke is the best thing our current president has ever done. Another problem arose when some clever bastard made the astute observation that Obama sounds like Osama. And I'm not saying that flippantly; it's a crucial point. In terms of importance, Obama sounding like Osama falls somewhere between his economic policy and which Police Academy movie is his favorite.
Along those same lines, there was the insinuation that Obama was a Muslim. Another vital issue. Because we all know the most effective way for Muslim terrorists to strike within the United States would be to get him elected to the highest office in the land. You know he could just totally circumvent our system of checks and balances. He could approve and enforce any legislature he wanted and we'd be powerless to stop him. Our senators and congressmen would be rendered impotent under his mighty Muslim fist. Also, the previous 43 presidents have all claimed to be Christian, and they've all been just great.
And, of course, most recently, there was his association with Pastor Jeremiah Wright. I take a hard line on this one. I don't want my president to be associated with any crazed religious zealot. I want my president to BE the crazed religious zealot.
But with all that behind him and seemingly no more skeletons in the closet, it appears that come November we will have the first not completely white president in our nation's history. Considering race relations in this country over the past 200+ years, that's quite a remarkable achievement.
We're talking about a country built on the backs of slaves (the cotton part of it anyway). We're talking about a country who once defined black people as 3/5 of a person (I think we're up to 7/8 now). We're talking about the home of the Jim Crow Laws, the KKK, and Martin Lawrence movies (you can't convince me those movies aren't propaganda produced by a white supremacist).
For overcoming all of that, I say Obama gets bonus privileges. Some extra abuses of power not afforded to all of our Caucasian presidents. Sure, we'll grant him the typical indulgences like maintaining a pointless, economy-crippling war and "Vince Foster"ing a few niggas, but he deserves so much more.
How about we throw in a few free rapes? Wreck a few poons, President Obama. We don't mind. You want to snort coke and drop acid in the Oval Office? Go right ahead, Commander-in-Chief/Lizard King. And this time around, we promise not to give a shit if you want to get a BJ from a chubby Jewish chick.
Set octogenarians on fire in the White House Rose Garden; drop car batteries on toddlers' heads; use people in electric wheelchairs as pack animals. You are about to accomplish something unprecedented and I don't think the American people will mind if you gild your presidential lily. Just promise me your VP, Cabinet members and any Supreme Court appointees will all be Christian, white and male. Hooray for superficial changes!
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From: Roger E.
Sent: Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Hey Guys I just want you to know you guys have the best fucking T-Shirts I have seen on the internet. THEY FUCKING ROCK!!!!! I Happen to work for BustedTees and your guys shirt are WAY better than any of the one I have seen that we carry. Keep Up the awesome work. PeAcE OuT. BTW I have entered your lazy ass comp and if I win I am totally wearing your shirts to work.
Editor's Note: Wow...Praise from Caesar. You know, if Caesar had been the guy who carried around the tray of fresh fruits instead of the Emperor. Seriously, someone who works for a different shirt site complimenting us? That's like someone really good at Guitar Hero saying Jimi Hendrix was pretty good on the axe. Or, if that analogy isn't apt, that's like Roe telling me I'm great at getting abortions.
I just wish I could savor the victory. If you are representative of the typical Busted employee, well...it's hardly Ali defeating Frazier. It's more like Ali pounding the shit out of Stephen Hawking after he's had his face anesthetized so he can't fight back with any twitching. Okay, I've finally filled my analogy quota.
Despite all that, I'd like to thank you for your kind words, Roger. It was very daring of you to mention the site you work for and our clear superiority. That's why I felt conflicted about emailing the chimps who run your company and showing them what you wrote. I did it, but I didn't enjoy it. Happy unemployment!
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From: jennbeech*** @ tor***.com
Sent: Thursday, March 27, 2008
i have a problem with your spoofs of iconic childrens characters. i'm fine with the offensive nature of your shirts, i just have a problem with taking classic images and reducing them crude jokes. regardless of what age you are, charlie brown, calvin and hobbes and kermit the frog are great entertainment. to take their images and turn them into graphic jokes is an insult to some timeless art.
Editor's Note: Oh man...I'm glad we didn't go with our shirt series entitled "Looney Tunes Characters Raping Disney Characters." Only because I wouldn't have been present while your heart cried and your head exploded.
Don't think I'm completely insensitive to your objection over those shirts. I know how you feel. I loved Calvin & Hobbes as a kid, and seeing little Calvin pissing on everything under the Sun slapped on the rear windshield of every truck in America makes me feel...well, indifferent, I guess. So I take that back. I don't know how you feel, because my brain works.
Trying to understand your point of view would be like trying to empathize with a retard crying at a 'Yield' sign (and I've just gone over my quota). That's why people with any amount of intelligence seem like dicks to the rest of you. It's not that we don't care (which we don't), it's that we can't make our functioning brains stop working and experience things from your perspective.
So long, Jennifer. Send us a pic and we'll get started on our next shirt - "Mickey Mouse Pooping in Jennifer's Mouth."
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From: Tara G.
Sent: Friday, March 28, 2008
Subject: necrophiliac shirt
Your "I wish you were dead - and not just because i'm a necrophiliac" shirt is just gross. All the curse words on shirts are bad enough, but that one is just nasty. I suppose it won't do any good to ask to have it removed, but I'm asking just the same. Please stop selling it.
Editor's Note: Congratulations, Tara! You are the 100,000th person to ask us to remove a shirt. Your prize? We completely ignore your request and mock you in our newsletter. But that's not all. Act now and I'll wrap my hand in cloth, wrap that in barbed wire, and then proceed to give you what I call the "Colombian Vag Doctor." You have until next Tuesday to claim your prize.
If you'll allow me to editorialize for a moment, I don't see the problem with necrophilia. First of all, the only person with any right to object to necrophilia, the deceased, isn't capable of objecting to it. The moment a person's soul leaves their body, they cease being a person and become a thing. Nobody gets pissed when I shove produce or whiskey bottles in my happy patch. Why should it be any different when I cram your late Uncle Morty's arm up there?
Second of all, who doesn't want sex? The departed aren't capable of enjoying it, but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't complain about it even if they could. I like to think that whenever I'm going to town on a dead guy, his spirit is hovering just above me going "Hell yeah! I'm so awesome I get trim even after death!"
So consider what I and others like me do a service to the deceased. Kind of like Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense. Only the twist in this case is that the corpse I've been humping was the villain all along. OOOOO-EEEEEE-OOOOO!
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From: Eddie S.
Sent: Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Subject: Question in regards to the Newsletter
I'm dying to know (yes, yes, I know, I should go kill myself) if you actually reply to the hate mailers with the same reply you have in the news letters? Because if you do that would actually be brilliant. If not.well.you kow, you guys are just the weak tools you slate :-P
Editor's Note: Damn it. I hate when people say they should kill themselves before I get a chance to do it. Why didn't you go ahead and call yourself a retarded douchebag so I could've just skipped this whole thing?
To answer your question, a can of gasoline and a family of Puerto Ricans. Wait...I was thinking of something else.
To answer your actual question, we only occasionally respond directly to the people who send us hate mail. Despite how it seems, we don't do this to make the mailers feel bad (their empty lives do that for us). We do this so our little community of evil bastards can join us in our mockery of others and laugh at the general idiocy of the entire human race.
However, as I said, we do every now and again respond straight to the source of the dumbfuckery. But not to harass or threaten anyone. It's really more of a public service. We simply tell them they can't change the world to suit their ridiculous whims and that statement is accompanied by a list of detailed instructions on ten different forms of suicide. We're not batting a thousand, but we've got a pretty good success rate.
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[The End-o, Friend-o]
I wasn't born yesterday. But my gator bait was.