It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing


Have you heard? The situation in Iraq has stabilized. Peace is sweeping across the Middle East and our soldiers will be coming home any day now. Also, the economy has completely recovered and gas prices are way down. APRIL FOOLS'! Life still sucks and we'll be stuck in Iraq for another ten years. Isn't that hilarious?

Speaking of the wa- I mean the colossal success in Iraq, we reached yet another milestone this past week when American soldier #4000 was killed in action. But don't you lose any sleep over that. With the economy in the shape that it's in, we'll have a nearly inexhaustible amount of poor people perpetually looking to enlist. And the war has helped cripple the economy, so as you can see, this is all part of God's (George W. Bush's) perfect/hilarious cycle.

In sports news, the NCAA tournament is down to the Final Four. Go Fightin' Who-gives-a-fucks!

In entertainment news, Britney Spears recently appeared on an episode of How I Met Your Mother. And I am beyond burnt out on Britney humor. Just go watch Leno.

Sen. John McCain on Tuesday tried to connect with voters on a personal level by visiting his high school and sharing memories of what he called some of his happiest years. He remembers staying up all night cramming for a chemistry test and proudly said he can still name all four elements.

In a major change, the American Heart Association said Monday that hands-only CPR -- rapid, deep presses on the victim's chest until help arrives -- works just as well as standard CPR for sudden cardiac arrest in adults. So, mouth-to-mouth is no longer necessary. This doesn't really have any effect on my life. I was always more of an ass-to-mouth girl anyway.

penis vagina


Our latest bunch of new shirts has arrived just in time for Wayne Newton's birthday. Hey, you celebrate your savior, I'll celebrate mine.

We've added shirts that speak on behalf of the unconscious and on behalf of the first amendment. There are also new ones for people who hate women, nannies, and parking; not necessarily in that order. Regardless, they are sure to piss off everyone in your local Wal-Mart. Everyone who can read, anyway.

All of our new shirts are here:

And check out's new TorsoPants as well:

(warning - if you're not a fan of dry humor, do not go to TorsoPants)

long division


andyAs November approaches, it seems almost certain that Barack Obama will be the next President of the United States. Not since FDR defeated Jimmy the Overtaxing Rapist has an election been this in the bag.

That's not to suggest that it's always been smooth sailing for the Senator. There have been speed bumps along the way. There was the coke thing, but that went away quickly enough seeing as how snorting coke is the best thing our current president has ever done. Another problem arose when some clever bastard made the astute observation that Obama sounds like Osama. And I'm not saying that flippantly; it's a crucial point. In terms of importance, Obama sounding like Osama falls somewhere between his economic policy and which Police Academy movie is his favorite.

Along those same lines, there was the insinuation that Obama was a Muslim. Another vital issue. andyBecause we all know the most effective way for Muslim terrorists to strike within the United States would be to get him elected to the highest office in the land. You know he could just totally circumvent our system of checks and balances. He could approve and enforce any legislature he wanted and we'd be powerless to stop him. Our senators and congressmen would be rendered impotent under his mighty Muslim fist. Also, the previous 43 presidents have all claimed to be Christian, and they've all been just great.

And, of course, most recently, there was his association with Pastor Jeremiah Wright. I take a hard line on this one. I don't want my president to be associated with any crazed religious zealot. I want my president to BE the crazed religious zealot.

But with all that behind him and seemingly no more skeletons in the closet, it appears that come andyNovember we will have the first not completely white president in our nation's history. Considering race relations in this country over the past 200+ years, that's quite a remarkable achievement.
We're talking about a country built on the backs of slaves (the cotton part of it anyway). We're talking about a country who once defined black people as 3/5 of a person (I think we're up to 7/8 now). We're talking about the home of the Jim Crow Laws, the KKK, and Martin Lawrence movies (you can't convince me those movies aren't propaganda produced by a white supremacist).

For overcoming all of that, I say Obama gets bonus privileges. Some extra abuses of power not afforded to all of our Caucasian presidents. Sure, we'll grant him the typical indulgences like maintaining a pointless, economy-crippling war and "Vince Foster"ing a few niggas, but he deserves so much more.
How about we throw in a few free rapes? Wreck a few poons, President Obama. We don't mind. You want to snort coke and drop acid in the Oval Office? Go right ahead, Commander-in-Chief/Lizard King. And this time around, we promise not to give a shit if you want to get a BJ from a chubby Jewish chick.

Set octogenarians on fire in the White House Rose Garden; drop car batteries on toddlers' heads; use people in electric wheelchairs as pack animals. You are about to accomplish something unprecedented and I don't think the American people will mind if you gild your presidential lily. Just promise me your VP, Cabinet members and any Supreme Court appointees will all be Christian, white and male. Hooray for superficial changes!

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