I hope everyone had a good April Fool's Day. I pulled one hell of a prank on my sister. I don't want to get into details, but suffice it to say, she can never bear children.
In case any of you missed it, March was a big month for cancer. First it was announced that presidential candidate John Edwards' wife had a recurrence of breast cancer. Then, only a few days later, it was reported that White House press secretary Tony Snow's cancer had returned and spread to his liver and other parts of his body. So I'd just like to say congratulations to cancer. Continued success in the months to come.
Before I move on, I'd just like to remind everyone that Easter is coming up on Sunday. I know it was recently proven that Jesus never actually existed, but let's celebrate for old times' sake. Happy hunting, kids!
You've been not praying and not praying, and your unprayers have finally been answered. Our latest batch of shirts has arrived.
This group contains a shirt that deals with oral sex and several other shirts which deal with far less important things. Anyway, don't let me ruin the surprise for you. You can view these shirts with your very own eyes via the magic of the internet.
All of our new shirts are here:
CNN recently reported that hobo killings are on the rise among teenagers. For entertainment, teens are savagely beating homeless men and leaving them for dead. What an appalling waste of human life. A travesty. Don't get me wrong, the homeless should be killed, but let's not waste good hobo. Do you have any idea how much a bum's kidney goes for on Craigslist? They don't grow on trees, you know. (Unless you live in Courtney Love's drug-addled head, where I hear that kind of shit happens).
Listen, we've all killed our fair share of transients. A homeless guy once asked me for change - well, he didn't actually ask, but he might have - so I shot him. In situations like that, you sometimes have to act preemptively. But I never would have dreamed of leaving him to rot. Instead, I carved him up, made some quick cash, got a few kick-ass Halloween decorations out of the deal, and ate like a king for weeks. My message to the kids is simply this: Waste not, want not, you little fuckers.
How do we account for the recent surge in senseless hobo killings? I blame television. Not because programming is too violent. To the contrary, it's not nearly violent enough. If kids had something good and bloody to watch on TV, do you think they'd need to kill hobos for fun? Today's teens may be bloodthirsty butchers, but who can blame them? There's nothing good on TV anymore. One more season of American Idol, and I might have to kill just to feel alive.
With that said, I'd like to share an anecdote that might put a human face on this issue.
I recently observed a homeless man combing his hair in the reflection of a shop window. For ten minutes, he carefully preened himself, taking great pride in his appearance. I finally said to him, "Your pants are soaked with urine, stained with what appears to be chocolate, and you smell like a sweaty nutsack. Does it really matter at this point if a hair or two is out of place?" It was a touching moment, to say the least, and I think we both took something from it.
After that, we got to talking about our life experiences. He told me about his tour in Vietnam, how his entire platoon was slaughtered before his eyes. "Do you know what it's like to watch helplessly as your best friends die?" he asked. His eyes filled with tears. I put a hand on his shoulder. "I think I do," I said. "I think I do." Then I told him about the time I played paintball with some buddies, and how we got totally ambushed by a bunch of fourth-graders. Sucked big time.
Before we parted ways, I looked my new friend in the eye, shook his hand, and thanked him. I thanked him for teaching me that just because hobos shit and piss themselves without shame, that doesn't make them any less human. That doesn't mean they don't have feelings and friends who love them. That doesn't mean their lives are any less sacred than yours or mine. With that in mind, I said goodbye and smoked the fucker.
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The results are in. We received thousands upon thousands of entries in our Torsoless Ted Mascot Competition, and after we briefly glanced at about thirty of them we narrowed it down to eight. From there you took over.
You voted for your favorite submission (or whichever one your friend told you to vote for), and after carefully tabulating the vote count, we are happy to announce a winner. I was a little worried about relying on a Democratic voting system since you people seem to think Taylor Hicks and that gay Middle Eastern kid are good singers, but I think you made a good choice.
From: sheliah d.
Sent: Saturday, March 03, 2007
The good news is: I received the T-shirts....The bad news news: I find the wording of your invoice both gross and insensitive....I take issue with what you seem to find funny in some sick way. You need to better know your audiences before you make unilateral decisions as to how your billing should be printed. Be assured, I will not place another order with your company. Shame on you!!!
Editor's Note: The good news is: you're going to die someday. The bad news is: you'll be a worthless cunt until that day comes.
And just so you know, all the decisions made at T-Shirt Hell are made unilaterally. This isn't a democracy. That's why T-Shirt Hell works and America doesn't. The good old US of A could learn a thing or two from us. If we ran this country, I guarantee you no one would be arguing about what to do in Iraq. Because we'd tell the Iraqis about Jesus, and that would fix everything.
There also wouldn't be an ever-increasing gap between the rich and the poor if we ran this country. Because in our America poor people would be the pets of rich people, thereby making them rich by default.
I'm just glad all this shame people put on us doesn't take physical form. If the shame people directed at us ever materialized into some kind of goo, I'd look like my stepmom after a weekend in Turkey.
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From: Tom D.
Sent: Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Plain and simple - you guys are complete morons!
Everyone with any sense.
Editor's Note: Hitler thinks we're complete morons?
But nonseriously, if you're going to insult someone, give it some context. As much as I hate people that complain about this shirt or that shirt, at least I know why they're upset. This could be about virtually anything. Are we complete morons because of our shirts? Are we complete morons because of our return policy? Or are we complete morons because our albino-hunting business was a failure? You've given us nothing to go by.
At least you had the decency to, as you said, keep your email plain and simple. I hate it when people get all existential and complex when they say nothing. Anyway, since you said so little, I'll leave it at that. Just remember to be clear about why you're complaining in the future. When you call your mom a stupid bitch, make sure you tell her it's because she didn't put extra happiness on your Flintstones chewable vitamin.
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From: scarface187*** @ ***.com
Sent: Tuesday, March 13, 2007
hey just wanted to say that i thinks its pretty ignorant not to do wholesale orders, do you realize how much you could multiply your profit, there are retailers all around the world who would be willing to sell your product for close to nothing and yet you only offer online purchasing. while your shirts maybe extremely hilarious and down right rude, all your ideas are not original
i have seen the same thing on shirts 15 years ago and somebody submitted it to you and you used and probably fucked them out of it, like you did me. i have sent over 40 e-mails with ideas, ideas that as far as i know were completely thought of by me and yet i have got nothing in return. ad no i am not just some pissed off teenager. i happen to be an established writer, and graphic artist whose idea have been stolen. so thanks for your time
Editor's Note: Hey, look. Another dumbass who submitted a bunch of terrible ideas is claiming we ripped him off. So which idea that I see a hundred times a day did you submit? Was it "Silly faggot, dicks are for chicks" or was it "I like my women how I like my scotch - 12 years old and mixed up with coke"?
As the hundreds of people that have won our submission contest can attest to, we don't rip people off or steal ideas. But some people, rather than accept the fact that they suck and have no talent, whine to us about ripping off their ideas just because one of our shirts says "The" just like their submission. Take note: "I support single moms" written next to a stripper on a pole, is nothing like your brilliant submission of "I wanna fuck me a stripper."
I was disappointed to find out that you are not just some pissed off teenager. Until you told me that I was ready to dismiss this email, but the fact that you claim to be an established writer just made me too depressed to ignore your bullshit. You do know what established writer means, right? You do understand that getting $100 from Reader's Digest for your hilarious vending machine anecdote doesn't qualify you as an established writer, right? Nor does smearing your shit on a piece of paper and accidentally making an L.
And for future reference, if you want to be taken seriously as an "established" "writer," don't use a name and email address that suggest you have an infatuation for a movie character worshipped by rappers and wiggers. Later, twat. I'll make sure to think of you next time I see "I'm not as think as you drunk I am."
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From: John O.
Sent: Monday, March 26, 2007
You are the most disgusting, blasphemic website ever. You should mock on something else. If you have respect for yourself or others with religious beliefs, put your mockery on something else. Jesus is my Lord and my redeemer. I pray everyday and go to church. You should repent of your sinful nature and bad webite.
Editor's Note: Isn't that cute? The retarded monkey fetus wrote us some hate mail. That's so precious I just want to gobble him up.
First of all, I believe the word you were looking for was "blasphemous." Your use of "blasphemic" makes me think you're either an idiot trying to sound smarter than he actually is, or you're an idiot that sounds exactly as smart as he is. "Blasphemic" sounds like what I put on my salads. It's a wonderful mix of giraffe sperm, goats' blood, and three other kinds of sperm.
If you're the result of daily prayer and church attendance, I think I'll just keep going as often as I do. Which is roughly as often as my gas can is full.
Unfortunately for you, I don't have respect for myself or people with religious beliefs. I reserve my respect for people that deserve it. People like American soldiers, abortion doctors, and the guy that played Mr. Belvedere. Goodbye, and always remember what Jesus said: "Keep that taint clean, nigga."
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I'm Out Like My Vagina at a Steely Dan Concert
There are people in this world that eat what you and I throw away. I can't believe those sick bastards eat babies.