The Mid-April Thing
In the April edition of their magazine, Essence urged its’ readers to contact T-Shirt Hell concerning our "Arrest black babies before they become criminals" shirt. The response was overwhelming. So much so, that each of the hate mail responses in this edition of the newsletter concern the shirt in question. Subsequently, sales of the shirt have gone from five per week to over 100 per week. Thank you, Essence, for fucking up the good fight! And if I could, I’d like to make a suggestion as to your next cause. Please call for the boycott of me getting my dick sucked by hot women.
Elsewhere in the world, Duke’s lacrosse team stole a page directly from my play-book. Just like that guy that worked for the Department of Homeland Security. And finally, thousands upon thousands of Hispanics recently took to the streets to protest...I don’t know. Something. The point is, I don’t pay Esperanza 75 cents an hour to protest things. I actually had to wash my own taint last week. And when the protest ended, all the marchers piled into two cars and left. ZING!
There Is No New Thing Under the Sun - Except These Shirts
We have 11 new shirts for you this time around. But don’t think of them as shirts. Think of them as 11 opportunities to offend stupid assholes. That just happen to be shirts. And if that’s not reason enough to buy one of our shirts, here’s another. One of these shirts, and I’m not saying which one, can actually cure cancer. And homosexuality. They’re kind of like God, only not so fucking lazy.
All of our new shirts are here:
Shock Value is Dead - Even to Niggers and Cunts
It’s a saying as old as entertainment itself, but it remains as true as it ever was. Nothing is shocking. You may disagree with that statement, citing the fact that people keep getting shocked year after year. But keep this in mind - it’s the same people being shocked every single year. Whether they’re raising a stink over Marilyn Manson, Eminem or Janet Jackson’s sweet chocolate titty, it’s the same group of douche-bags getting upset every year.
This article isn’t aimed at those people. Those people stopped reading after the title of this piece. I’m not interested in offending people that get their panties in a wad over a book about a boy wizard. To call them fish in a barrel would be an understatement. It almost seems as if they just pick something at random every year to be offended by so they can seem morally superior to others. Fuck those cunts. They aren’t worth the time I’ve already wasted writing about them.
No, this article isn’t for them. This article is for people that are at least open-minded, if not smart. I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out how to shock people with a sense of humor. Do I go religious? For example, can I offend people with a sense of humor by writing something like "I cut off Jesus’ head, shit down his throat and fucked the bloody, shit-covered hole while spitting in the Jew God’s anus."? Did that work? No, because you’re still reading.
Do I go sexist? Would a rational person get upset if I said something like this? "I like to date-rape women in bars, go to the park afterward and do some regular rape, then go home and beat my wife for not having my dinner ready. And when she tells me dinner is ready, I hit her for correcting me in front of my dinner." Shocked yet? No, you’re still reading.
Do I go racial? Something like this. "I like to make blacks and Asians fight to the death to see which one will be the fuel for my furnace that night. Then I smack around Jew-babies just to see if I can break my dad’s ‘number of Jew-babies smacked in an hour’ record." You’re still reading, so that didn’t do the trick.
Should I combine all three? I’ll give it a shot. "I put female Mexican babies in the blender, pour them all over the floor and roll around in it while masturbating all over the Bible and the Koran." Didn’t work, did it? This is what I meant by "Nothing is shocking". There’s just nothing you can do anymore. Either people are offended by the sexual content in an episode of Save By the Bell, or they aren’t offended by anything. And if you’re still reading this, you’re the latter. There’s probably nothing I can say to offend you.
That is, unless I attack you personally. Which is what I intend to do. See, what I’ve written up to this point is vague and generalized. The Jew-babies I smacked around could’ve been anyone’s Jew-babies. Those women I raped could’ve been anyone’s sisters (incidentally, they were mine). No matter how terrible something is, if it doesn’t have a personal connection to a person, it’s probably not going to be effective. So, in an attempt to finally offend the even the most open-minded of us all, I’m going to dedicate the rest of this article to insulting INDIVIDUALS, rather than insignificant groups like women. Enjoy.
----Charlie Engels, 7, Glenridge, CO---
Charlie, your mommy and daddy haven’t told you this, but only bad boys get Leukemia.
----Brenda Kashian, 28, Twin Falls, OR----
Brenda, you can chalk it up to bad luck all you want, but eventually you’re going to have to accept that God doesn’t want you to reproduce. How many miscarriages is it going to take to convince you?
----Glen and Sarah Gilcrest, 34 & 31, Sandusky, OH----
Glen and Sarah own and operate a very successful frozen yogurt shop. Fortunately they didn’t open a "Protect our twins from kid-napping" business, because they would’ve gone belly-up in the first year.
----Cindy Klein, 23, Appleton, IA----
Marriage counseling? C’mon, Cindy. What do you think a marriage counselor is going to tell you that you don’t already know? "Chuck, you need to stop beating Cindy." You’re smarter than this.
----Marty Schmidt, 67, Pleasant Acres, FL----
I’m not going to beat around the bush Marty. Just because your wife of 40 years has Alzheimer’s doesn’t give you the right to charge your friends $20 to pretend to be her highschool boyfriend and have a go at her.
----Cody Phelps, 7 months, Ft. Worth, TX----
I know you’re only 7 months old, but seriously, what kind of loser is born with Down’s Syndrome?
----Randall Hawkins, 17, Brockton, TN----
Suicide is never anyone’s fault, but you have to admit Randall, Susie mentioned your name an awful lot in that note.
----Jorge Ramirez, 29, Santa Fe, NM----
----Brett Kove, 37, Palmhurst, MN----
As a foundation repair specialist Brett is responsible for keeping homes from falling apart. One thing he can’t keep from falling apart is a marriage. He has divorced 3 times in the past 7 years and currently watches 2 hours of internet porn a night. His daughter from his 1st marriage has never met him.
----Martha Forester, 41, Newsom, VT----
As an elementary school teacher, Martha loves molding young minds. You know what else she loves? Running razors across her wrists until she passes out. And although her students are only in the 1st grade, they are beginning to suspect that Mrs. Forester’s cat doesn’t "scratch her wrists up" every single Sunday.
Well, hope you enjoyed and/or were offended by that. Odds are I didn’t get to you, but don’t feel excluded. Just e-mail us your request, along with whatever medical or social problem you or a family member has, and I’ll be more than happy to insult you personally. Unless you’re gay. We’re not even going to waste our time on fags. Sleep tight, loyal readers.
Being Hated Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry
----- Original Message -----
From: Bathsheba B.
Sent: Wednesday, March 22, 2006 11:18 AM
Subject: Arrest Black Babies
While reading the Essence April 2006 Mag, I came across your T-shirt which read, ARREST BLACK BABIES before they become criminals. Well, I’m not laughing. Your quote states that "We design our T-shirts to amuse yourselves. We don’t care if you’re offended by them." Just thought you should no WE ARE NOT LAUGHING! Not interested in purchasing anything from your site and will inform others not to purchase anything from your site.
(Editor's Note: This is just one of the hundreds of pieces of hate mail we’ve received concerning the Essence article that mentioned our shirt. Funny how none of these people mentioned the article in Ebony that praised the shirt. Oh well, to each his own. But this whole fiasco has taught me two things.
First - I had no idea there were words in Essence. I just assumed it was a series of pictures of Fred Sanford and ads for gold tooth polish. And second - Black people have computers. When the fuck did that happen? I mean, computers aren’t covered in diamonds or spinning rims. And they don’t look like fat white women. I don’t get it. So, if nothing else, this experience has been educational. And hilarious. Thanks angry, oppressed minority!)
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Thursday, March 23, 2006 8:29 PM
I am pissed off about your t-shirt that says "arrest black babies before they become criminals". This is a racist ass comment. That’s like saying, "arrest white babies before they become serial killers". Maybe you should put THAT on shirts instead. Asshole!
(Editor's Note: This is easily my favorite response concerning this article, based solely on how ignorant it is. Dozens upon dozens of people wrote something along the lines of "why don’t you have an arrest white babies shirt?" Here’s the thing. We fucking DO have a shirt that says that. In fact, it’s right next to the ‘black babies’ shirt.
But these fucking morons would rather let Essence do their thinking for them than take five seconds to find out what they’re actually hating. I’d like to track these people down and call them coons just so I could see them call Essence and find out whether or not they should be offended. "Someone just called my son a tar-baby. Should I be offended, Essence?" If you want to hate the shirt, by all means, hate the shirt. But know what you’re hating before you hate it. Like I do with women and midgets.
One last message to the people that read Essence. If Essence reports that an old white guy recently whipped Levar Burton, that actually took place around 30 years ago in a mini-series called Roots. And if this response has upset you, we already got your hate mail the first time, so you can fucking save it.)
----- Original Message -----
From: P., Melissa (Arlington)
Sent: Monday, March 27, 2006 8:57 AM
I fail to see the humor in your product slogans as a Caucasian American and as an American in general.
(Editor's Note: This piece of hate mail was a pleasant surprise. This was the only honky cracker that complained about the shirt. I mean Caucasian American. This was the only stupid fucking bitch/Caucasian American that complained about the shirt. The only one that mentioned she was white, anyway. We did get one hate mail from Lateesha Shantrell Jenkins, and she didn’t say if she was black or white, so she could’ve been white. But probably not, because her e-mail smelled like government assistance. Which doesn’t make sense for a couple reasons.
Anyway Melissa, since you fail to see the humor in this shirt, let me explain it. It’s actually very easy to understand, so good luck with the bigger words in my explanation. Here goes. It’s a shirt that suggests that babies should be arrested. That suggestion is ridiculous and therefore humorous, depending on who you are. You may still not like the shirt, but I hope you at least get it now. Now stop being so stupid. You’re embarrassing us white people. We’re supposed to be the smart ones you fucking idiot.)
----- Original Message -----
From: Vinnie E. mrchocolate** @ *****.com
Sent: Sunday, April 02, 2006 3:33 PM
Subject: "Arrest black babies before they become criminals"
To who it may concern,
I must say I’m truly disgusted on the comment that was made on T-shirts who would support this. I don’t see T-shirts about any other race except the black race. This is a free country and we do have the freedom to speech but the comment made on T-shirts is just down right wrong and disrespect full. For the record I have never been arrested. From a very concerned black man who was once a "black baby"
(Editor's Note: There are so many reasons I can’t take your hate mail seriously. First of all, you say you’ve never been arrested, but that you’re also a black man. Which is it, Vinnie? It can’t be both. Second of all, you put black baby in quotation marks. Are you implying that you were only figuratively a black baby? Or do you have some freaky skin condition like Michael Jackson in the Bizarro world?
The third, final, and most glaring reason I can’t take you seriously: your e-mail address. Mr. Chocolate? What the fuck? What kind of self-respecting "black man" calls himself Mr. Chocolate? You say you’ve never been arrested, but you certainly deserve to be based on that screen name alone. That qualifies you for at least 5 years of ass-pounding from your fellow "Mr. Chocolates" in the shower. Adding an additional five years for every time that name appears on your car and/or jewelry. Dear Lord, you are a fucking moron. Later, signed Mr. Vanilla)
Sent: Friday, March 24, 2006 2:43 PM
I was on your website and saw the T-shirt regarding arresting black babies because they will become criminals. I’d like to thank you for continuing the satanic web of racism, which effects generation financially, emotional, socially, and all the other eees’ I have a little black boy here at home and it’s a sad that I can’t say the days of disregarding the black males integrity aren’t over. "Let’s continue to exploit certain groups for money- it’s fun yeah we’ll be rich, who cares what people think, it doesn’t matter, I’m not responsible, it’s just a T-shirt" The only excuses you use for what you do are the ones you create......
P.S. What will be your excuse when you have to answer to GOD? Oh that’s right with God there are no exuses Sleep Tight!
(Editor’s Note: I’m sorry, but Satan had to go to his son’s bar-mitzvah this week. I’ll be handling all his e-mails. And just so you know, Satan has nothing to do with a web of racism. In fact, I can’t think of anyone that is more inclusive than Satan. Black/white, gay/straight, whatever. As long as you murder and rape, Satan welcomes you with open arms.
But about your e-mail. The subject heading caught my eye. It simply says NAACP, which tells me one of two things. 1 - you have nothing to do with the NAACP and this was your pathetic attempt to look reputable, or 2 - the NAACP has a quota of its’ own to fill and they put the resident retard in charge of writing pointless e-mails. Congratulations on the gig, if that’s the case. Just get the ketchup-covered Play-Doh out of your mouth for a second and concentrate on this last statement. And this goes out to everyone who wrote us an e-mail about this shirt.
This is over a fucking T-SHIRT. I’m sure Essence and other figures in the black community would have believe this shirt can destroy our society, but the bottom line is that it’s some fucking strands of cotton. If t-shirts wielded the kind of power you thought they did I’d spit in God’s face and rape him. The fact of the matter is, these kind of things only get attention when self-important assholes bitch about them. The time you spent writing about a fucking T-SHIRT could’ve been used to write your congressman or senator about some relevant legislature or bill concerning African-Americans.
But fuck that. You’d rather let Essence tell you to get pissed about a goddamn T-SHIRT all while selling you another subscription and some hair product with the word "Smoove" in the name. And lastly, concerning what I’ll say to God when I answer to him. Nothing. I’ll just hold up this shirt and he’ll commit suicide because he won’t be able to go on after that. Bye, wastes of time.)
The End is Nigh - So Nigh That You Just Read It
Remember the golden rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I’m going to get right on that. As soon as I figure out how to suck my mom’s dick.