Prince Charles got married this weekend to his long time mistress Camilla
Parker Bowles. Prince William and Prince Harry are both said to be
relieved. "I hope this means he'll stop fucking mum's rotting corpse." said
William. "Although if he does, I'd like to have a go at her." The Royal
Rascal Prince Harry quickly added. There has been no official word on
whether or not the Prince of Wales will stop having relations with the
decaying remains of Princess Di, which are still hotter than his new wife.

New shirts that will make you a new man, or cat.

You may not be aware of this, since it has received almost no coverage in
the media, but the Pope is dead. Prince Charles has been fucking his
corpse. (Actually, he has been so busy with the wedding he has not had a
chance.) So, we have added a bunch of Pope shirts, as well as four more
shirts that will make you quit smoking, quit clubbing baby seals, quit
faking it, and quit shaving your snatch. And who doesn't love a quitter?

All of our new shirts are here:

If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste it
into your browser.

Kids Are People, Too? Too Bad

I hate kids.

I yearn for a world without any children. It would be a world of quiet
airplanes, restaurants, and movie theatres: a world without playgrounds,
circuses, and child proof caps. Drug dealers could ply their trade wherever
they wanted, without having to worry about wandering into a school zone.
Adult book stores would just be called book stores.

Nobody wants kids for the sake of having kids. Women want kids to prove
that they have working vaginas. Having babies is the one thing us women
can do, besides field hockey, which no man can do at all, let alone do

Ladies, if you want to impress people with your gash then shoot ping pong
balls out of it; or use it to pick up a stack of quarters. Do you want to
dazzle them? Then combine these two tricks as you sail through the exact
change lane on the turnpike.

Men want to have kids because they were picked last in gym class. Or worse,
they were captain of the high school football team and led their team to the
State Title. But then a freak masturbation accident cut their college
career short. Either way, they are determined to create little champions.
So, they put creatine in their kid's Captain Crunch, and dose their juice
boxes with anabolic steroids.

I don't care if your kid can jump over your house: it doesn't change the
fact that you're still a loser. Now finish pumping my gas, and lick those
bugs off my windshield if you want a tip. Your kid needs a pair of Adidas
1s doesn't he?

People have kids in the hopes that they will take care of them when they get
old. Fat fucking chance. Take the money you would have spent on
orthodontia, college, and rehab; and put it into a nice no-load mutual fund.
You'll be able to retire to a tropical island in your early fifties. Then
let someone else's teenager bring you fruity drinks and give you a poolside
happy ending massage.

If you have kids now, it's not too late to get rid of them. If you're still
living at home, it's never too early to leave and give your parents a chance
at happiness. Sweatshops and street gangs are both excellent options. Both
offer a child the opportunity to learn a trade, and room for advancement.
Both offer lifetime job security. How many people have that? If you're
afraid you'll miss your kid buy a PSP I hear they're awesome. They play
games, movies, and music. Your kid can't play music and they had 5 years of
piano lessons.

Do you know what would happen if everyone stopped having kids? Nothing.
Nothing would happen. The last generation would enjoy seventy years of
peace and quiet. Human civilization would end? So what? Why do you care?
You'll be dead either way. I hear that ferrets are pretty smart let's give
them have a chance to run the planet. If you're the last person on earth
just remember to turn out the lights.

Letters from concerned parents and other idiots

----- Original Message -----
From: Mmoore*** @
Sent: Sunday, April 10, 2005 4:11 PM
Subject: T-shirts

I felt the need to inform you that some of your t-shirts are utterly
disgusting specifically the 2 below. I am a mother of 2 black babies and I
have friends with autistic children. I feel that with shirts like this that
racism and hate will never go away. It is teaching our children at a young
age to hate.

(Editor's Note: I feel the need to inform you that you are the worst kind
of hypocrite. "Arrest Black Babies Before They Become Criminals", and
"Autistic Kids Rock" are hardly our most offensive items. Yet you found two
shirts with a tenuous personal connection to your life, and for that reason
they top the most offensive list? What about your sister Eileen? You don't
find our, "I Came on Eileen" shirt offensive? I know she allows busloads of
Japanese tourists to cum all over her. She is so much more upbeat than you
and seems to enjoy it. Is that why you have no problem with that shirt?
Cheer up, because once your 'babies' become 'toddlers', and those other
'kids' become 'young adults', we won't have any shirts that are about you!
Then all will be right in your private little world again you vexatious


----- Original Message -----
From: Tonya
Sent: Thursday, April 07, 2005 12:17 AM
Subject: Your shirt should be considered a sin

Hello. T-Shirt Hell Company. my name is Tonya. I am writing to complain to
you about a shirt that you have on your website. it says, "Everytime i
masturbate, God kills the Pope (oops). I think it is wrong and disgustiing.
i am going to try and start a petition on it too. That shirt is sick, and i
will probably never ever go to your site again. Good bye.
An Un-Happy Customer,

PS- To reach me further if you wish to, my main email address is CHYNA* @

(Editor's Note: Please start a petition immediately. I think the subject
of your email is a good starting point. It would be amazing if you were
able to actually get our t-shirt considered a sin! Would they have to
recall all of the existing bibles, or would they just send out an addendum?
Do you think you could get us listed as one of the seven deadly sins? Our
shirt has to be worse than gluttony or sloth. I know I'm proud of the
shirt, and Pride is one of the seven deadly sins. I know it makes people
Angry and Envious when I wear it so that's two more! Is it greedy to want
to be in the top seven? Because as I'm sure you know, Greed is also on
the list. Actually, it seems like all of these "deadly" sins are pretty
tame. I know I can do better if you give me the chance. Please keep me
posted on your progress. If you need me to be Lustful in any way, just let
me know. )


----- Original Message -----
From: Sesna
Sent: Tuesday, April 05, 2005 4:02 PM
Subject: comment...

u, what i assume would call yourselves "people", which u r not, should all
be shot. as for the little boys who like to brainwash perfectly normal
people with their male genitalia t-shirts, which should all be burned, they
should be castrated. someone who posts and sells garbage like this doesn't
deserve to have what u would call, in ur mediocre "language", a "dick". any
supporters should all be murdered, and the freaks behind this
"should-be-illegal" website, should all be murdered along with their
families, or should be cut up into tiny pieces and hidden behind walls for
your husbands, wives, and family to see and laugh at. u should just give up
now, because making literally dirty money is a sign of being a complete
idiot who is about to go homeless if he/she doesn't sell a few worthless
t-shirts. see how stupid and pathetic that sounds? u think it's funny? the
funny part is that if ur laughing at this, ur laughing at urselves because
this is just a mild fact on what u all are. and the fact that u get people
to send in pictures of themselves practically naked is downright sick, and u
r all pedophiles who like little children. have a horrible and gruesome

(Editor's Note: I think in Saudi Arabia, if you buy or create funny
t-shirts that they do cut one of your arms off. But even there the
punishments you're proposing would probably still be considered a bit
extreme. It's too bad we shut down all of the Iraqi torture chambers I
expect you might have had a bright future. Actually, you are such a
deeply disturbed individual I might have a job for you here. How do
you feel about working in Customer Service? I'm not sure where you are
institutionalized, but they really need to monitor you more closely. Please
have them increase your medication. Whatever you're taking now is not
enough. If you can wriggle out of your straitjacket try to take the whole
bottle all at once.)


----- Original Message -----

From: Pete S
Sent: Sunday, April 03, 2005 1:22 AM
Subject: pope death shirts?

you are a freaking idiot do u know that? anyone could sink as low as you do
and sell t-shirts about terri shiavo and the Pope. The reason most t-shirt
retailers don't act like roaches lacking in humanity is because they have
decided to draw a line somewhere...anyone could look to make a few dollars
on every misfortune in life, it's just that most of us aren't pathetic scum.

(Editor's Note: I don't appreciate when people belittle our
accomplishments. While it's true anyone could make a t-shirt about a
misfortune in life, it's not easy to make a good t-shirt about every
misfortune in life. That's hard work. Can you even imagine how hard it was
to add three good t-shirts about the death of the Pope? And we don't make
t-shirts about every one of life's misfortunes. For example, I've had the
distinct misfortune of having to read your vapid email. That's two minutes
of my life I could have spent rubbing my clit or fiddling with my nipples.
You owe me and I better not find you. If I do, I'll have to give you to the
person who wrote the previous email I received. They will cut you up
and feed you to those roaches you mentioned earlier.)


So long, and so short