OK bitches, it is time for you to prove that your heads are good for something other than accepting the occasional cumshot. We have added the ability for you to leave comments on all our t-shirts. Just click on any one of the individual shirt graphics on the site and you can leave whatever passes for a thought in your sad, little head.
Finally, someone is asking for your opinion- sorry it turned out to be us. It is live and uncensored, just like that show your mom puts on with that Shetland pony.
Another tax deadline has come and gone. I hope you don't mind, but I claimed you all as dependents. I don't think the auditor believes me, so if you could all drop by some time next week and allow me to breast-feed you for a moment or two you'd really be helping me out. Also, lick my pussy. Onto the news.
Plenty happened in music the past couple of weeks. First off, the panties of 30-year-old women all over America were moistened when it was announced that the New Kids on the Block were reuniting. Part of me wants to criticize this as being a pathetic group of grown women wallowing in nostalgia, but I suppose it's no different than me attending reenactments of the Challenger explosion or shoving babies named Jessica into wells.
Mariah Carey recently passed Elvis for the most No. 1 singles and now sits behind only the Beatles. But those numbers are misleading. When you adjust for actual talent, she's somewhere between Kenny G and the Fat Boys. And the Beatles are behind Slayer [holds up metal sign and screams at stranger].
Film legend Charlton Heston recently passed away after a long struggle with Alzheimer's. Heston's last words were, "Get your stinkin' - Mr. Demille, that horse just bit me. - I ate a guy before making 'Soylent Green' so I could understand the character." Get it? It's funny because he had Alzheimer's and he's dead.
It was reported that Pamela Anderson will be getting her own reality show on the E Network. Sounds like great watching. I've grown tired of turning on my TV and seeing young, blonde whores act all vapid and shallow. I like my blonde whores vapid and shallow, but I prefer they look old and haggard. Remember to check that out on E. And remember to wrap your TV in a giant condom.
Our new shirts have arrived, but my period hasn't. Oh well...looks like I'll be making another trip to "Doctor" Hank's Dry Cleaning Emporium.
Anyway, this latest collection includes a shirt for the well-endowed male and a shirt which makes a rational, sensible plea for dirty butt sex. We've also got a shirt just for redheads (or anyone who enjoys seeing Ronald McDonald almost naked) and a shirt that finally reveals the truth about dwarves. I mean, other than the fact that they're hilarious.
(warning - if you're not a fan of dry humor, do not go to TorsoPants)
As the U.S. economy continues to struggle, market experts are casually throwing around the word "recession" as if it were a racial slur and they were in my living room (or kitchen, or basement, or front yard). Personally, I don't understand how anyone can even hint at a recession in a country where people are spending millions of dollars on the work of Billy Ray Cyrus' spawn. I'm no economist, but if the situation were really so dire, I think people would forego spending money to have their child's soul raped.
But okay, let's assume we are on the verge of an economic catastrophe. How does this affect me? Thankfully, even as the market remains shaky at best, the value of my gold bars and secret political sex tapes remains steady. Also, I have people I pay to keep an eye on stocks and do my crying/wrist-slashing for me.
For those of you who aren't so fortunate (ha ha, you're poor), we would like to help. Assuming moving to another country or simply not caring aren't viable options for you, here are some tips on how to prepare for the impending financial crisis.
Sell all of your Patrick Allen Professional Bowling Association memorabilia before the inevitable rape charge causes it to plummet in value.
As gas prices continue to soar, the average American is feeling the pinch at the pump. To avoid this, ride a bike to work. With the money you'll save, you can shove $20 bills in your ears to muffle the taunts of "Nice bike, fag" coming from motorists.
Yeah, you need kidneys and a liver to survive. No one ever said you had to sell YOUR organs.
Tired of paying your illegal work force an exorbitant $3 an hour? You tell those dirty Frenchmen (a.k.a. Mexicans) they'll take your discarded cantaloupe rinds as payment and be damn glad to get it. Then spit on them. Go ahead, they're your property.
Ladies: Don't just think of that thing you're sitting on as a baby-making, waste disposer. Believe it or not, there are men who will pay you to put their penis in it. After you've exhausted its usefulness, your butt, mouth, hands or unusually deep belly button will do in a pinch.
How about you use those food stamps for food instead of 40s and cigarettes; you system-abusing, child-neglecting, filthy piece of...never mind. Hi mom!
Learn how to prioritize. For example, you actually NEED a new hibachi grill, but does your kid really need that inhaler?
Identity theft is a great source of income. Just make sure you steal the right identity. The last time I stole in ID without doing the proper research I wound up as a French midget with a drinking problem.
Along with gas prices, food prices have also gone way up. One solution would be to grow your own vegetables and buy store-brand items. Or you could just stop eating so much, fatty.
Recycle. In addition to helping the planet, you'll also be able to line your pockets with a cool $1.12 for only a few weeks work. (Note: Homeless people are a great source of aluminum cans.)
Ever hear of actually doing your job and saving money? Jesus Christ...it's not the economy's fault you've had three jobs in two months and you spend what little money you have on Old Milwaukee. You piece of human garbage...just look at yourself! FUCK!
I've got a weird feeling. Go to Vegas right now. Put everything you have on 22 black. Didn't work? Sorry about that. Just go give handjobs until you have enough money to get back home.
I don't care what your guidance counselor told you. It's never too late to kill people for money.
While mugging people, don't assume young, black men are broke. The fact of the matter is that they usually carry the most cash. If you (sniff sniff) know what I mean.
Struggling to recover from the ongoing real estate mess? Here's a tip: When holding the shotgun in your mouth, make sure you hold it tilted slightly upward.
Although not as profitable or glamorous as being an actual pusher, there's no shame in being a really good drug mule.
As technology advances, it is becoming more and more difficult to duplicate the look and feel of modern bills. Fortunately, it is incredibly easy to make a passable penny. Just go out and buy massive amounts of copper and get to minting. Now you're on your way to financial freedom!
This week I have a special treat for all of you. Anyone who consistently reads our hate mail may wonder if we make this shit up. I wish. For example, you may remember a couple months ago we posted this little gem:
Hey dude, I just want to fucking tell you guys I submitted a t-shirt idea of "I'm bringing nigger back" with Dog the Bounty Hunter and I've got no response no nothing. First of all if i wanted to sell it on my own site fucking tens of hundreds of people would buy that. you're fucking stupid shit. you're dumb fucking assholes for not wanting to buy that. So realize that you're a dumb fuck. Put me on your fucking newsletter. I have somebody trying to claim against you cause I have sent you plenty of emails. I just think you're fucking stupid assholes and the ideas you're using are dumb as shit. They're gay t-shirts nobody wants to buy. You want some t-shirts people will buy? Then use some of your user's submissions that are actually helpful to your company as opposed to this gay fucking shit you're putting up on your website. Go fuck yourself, fuck your mother and fuck all of you.
It didn’t take long for the person responsible for this masterpiece to weigh in.
Comment from Mikey Mike: 01/22/08 7:57 pm
Actually. ...I submitted that idea. This is MY email. Still a fan, BUT YOU GUYS NEED TO KNOW, Not only did they add a bunch of things I didn't say, they completely flipped my words. And all I was saying was that shit was funny....what dicks! NOW YOU KNOW NOT TO BELIEVE THE STUPID SHIT IN THEIR HATE MAILS...They are fucking liars, and tell me that shirt wouldnt be funny. Whatever, cuntbags!
Comment from Mikey Mike: 01/22/08 9:20 pm
Debra and Bethany, You're both dumb whores. I said nothing about "a claim" I didn't say half of the shit they said I did. All I said was "you're fucking stupid for not using my idea...fuck you...and your mother" I was just fucking around, but they added a whole assload of stuff I never said..Fucking idiots.
Comment from Mikey Mike: 01/23/08 3:32 pm
I'm not going to bother posting a comment again because NOONE FUCKING LISTENS. All I am saying is THEY MADE UP MOST OF MY EMAIL. I never said shit about "filing a claim" (what purpose would that even serve..that's just ridiculous) I ALSO NEVER SAID A SINGLE THING ABOUT "Selling it myself on my own site" I DONT OWN A FUCKING WEBSITE (nor do I have the means to make t-shirts or even have a clue how to press them, etc..) I don't care who thinks the idea was funny or not. They just distorted what I said and I think it's fucked up. So comments about "what I said"..scratch em, cause I didnt...I fuckin dare them to post my original email. THE REAL ONE..it'll just show their douchebags..FUCK T-SHIRT HELL IN THE ASS. LYING FUCKS
Comment from Mikey Mike: 01/23/08 4:04 pm
UN-EDITED-ORIGINAL EMAIL- Hey dude, I just want to tell you guys I submitted a shirt idea of Dog the Bounty Hunter saying "I'm bringing nigger back" and think it's shitty I got no response. I haven't seen a funny shirt in a while from you guys. Maybe it's not the best Idea but I think plenty of people would think it's funny. Instead you accept submissions of fucking stupid shit. Either that or ideas you're dumb fucking employees came up with. So realize that you're a dumb fuck. Put me on your fucking newsletter. Some of your shirts... granted are funny, but some of the recent shit is just BAD. My suggestion if you want some t-shirts people will buy? Use some of your user's submissions that are actually helpful to your company as opposed to this gay fucking shit you're putting up on your website. (That was the end of my REAL - so believe what you want - I'm out - Mikey Mike)
Comment from Mikey Mike: 01/24/08 11:40 am
I figured SOME douche would point that out. I meant that was the end of the email itself with my complaint...(The fuck you, your mother blah blah blah shit was my "signage"...with a comma after it LOL, followed by my name..Mikey Mike..."Mikey Mike is a liar" or whoever the fuck that guy was probably works for T-shirt hell HAHAA...I am actually enjoying people finding out the truth about the shit heads at T-shirt Hell. I wonder how long til' they take my posts down.
Editor's Note: Now here’s where it really gets funny. If it was an email it would just be our word against the lunatic ramblings of this pinhead. But it wasn’t in fact an email: it was a voicemail!
Transcribing was difficult due to the fact that his words weren't perfectly clear because of the cock in his mouth, but I did my best to capture the essence, if not the exact words, of his douchery. But here it is so judge for yourself.
There you have it. Say what you will about the shirt idea. I'm sure there are more than a few people who find it hilarious. "Dude...it says 'nigger'! That shit is hysterical!" I personally think it's fucking lame. It references a news story that was dated even when we first received the idea, and a Justin Timberlake song which jokes about were played out several months before we got the idea. "But dude...it says 'nigger'!"
Yeah, I get it. Some people are always going to think something is funny if it contains "cunt" or a racial slur. And I'm sure you'll point to instances in our past and say this is hypocrisy. But things change. And I'm not talking about bullshit like "growing" or "maturing." I'm talking about recognizing when a certain type of comedy has grown tired and evolving. At least in the field of T-shirts, we were at the forefront of all that outrageous shit, but now there's no shortage of sites with brilliant jokes like "I stab queers" or "Go back to Africa." Edgy is no longer edgy when fucking everyone is on the edge. And if simply saying "nigger" is funny, my stepfather is funniest mother fucker ever.
But back to Mikey. As I said, think what you will of the shirt idea, but you have to admit that this guy is King Tool. First he lies by calling us liars; then he lies, not once, but twice, by posting again after he said he wouldn't; then, and this is the topper, he goes so far as to create this "original" email when no such email ever existed because it was A FUCKING PHONE MESSAGE.
So why am I posting this now, as opposed to when it actually happened? The answer to that is simple. I don't care. If I had any desire to clear the air I would've done it the very next day. I'm only doing it now because I find it to be fucking hilarious. Not that I don't hold Mikey in high regard. You have to respect a guy who tries to cover up the fact that he's a dick by lying about an email and whose idea of saying "Fuck you!" to a corporation is to check the comments section of their newsletter every 30-60 seconds.
Maybe he only thinks we fabricated what he said because he can't believe anyone could be that goddamn stupid. Well Mikey, they can, and you are. Mikey, if you're reading this (and I know you are, because it's not like you stopped being a human queef and started getting laid a lot in the past couple months), I look forward to your comments.
Make it something along the lines of "That's not my voice. They totally just recorded that to make me look stupid. And I never wrote those comments, even though you can clearly see them in the newsletter. They're fabricating the whole internet." Just remember to use a different name when you rip on us this time. You don't need further evidence to prove you're a dool (douche/tool, you're the best of both mashed together).
You know what...I think this is fuckin pathetic. This is sad that you are goin around condoneing this type of hate at this day in time. and i hope your goddamn house burn down you son of a bitches. I would call you a racist name but you know what I'm not gonna balittle myself for all the ignorance. If you feel like this i wish god had made your ass die in the 1950s and 60s.
This is sad that you actually have...you feeling the need to balittle people that...I mean people, just because they different. Are you that much in the back country that you can't accept change? You can't accept people for who they are. You lowdown white cocker spaniel son of a bitches...You are the son of a bitches in the worse place in the highest positions of goverment.
You really feel like this and this is sad. Its sad. Who the fuck you think you come from - you think you just come from your mama pussy and your dads stankin ass dick? Let me tell you something...this is a sad state and I am apalled and looking on this actually thinking looking on this website and looking at all this disgusting racist jokes. it is none of it's funny. none of it at all when people have seriously died over this and theres still hate going on in the world. Why are you adding to it?
This is some sick disguisting shit. There are no coons - there are black people. There are no niggas - there are negroes. And unfortunitely some of them cannot conduct theirselves but you cannot judge a whole group by what a few do. Even nowadays, I figure that everybody wanna talk about love peace and happiness. No, this is not love peace and happiness, this is fucking stupidity. Fucking ignorance and racism is alive and well just like I thought. Even more prevelant than back in the day.
Editor's Note: Before I begin, I'm going to give you all a moment to reread that and let it all sink in. ("Dumpty dum...[whistling sound]...doo dee doo...[twirling hair]...") Okay, if I gave you an extra hour and humans used 100% of their brains there's every possibility this still wouldn't sink in, but I've got to move ahead.
Where to begin...I could point out the mistakes in grammar and spelling, but that would be like complaining about the pickle slices not being evenly distributed on my donkey poop sandwich.
I could point out the irony of someone like this complaining about racism and simultaneously setting her race back about 200 years. What a gay pride parade accomplishes for homosexuals, she accomplished for the black community in a single email.
I could also polish off the old chestnut that her passion and rage regarding her race could be put to better use than by writing to a shirt site. There are countless things I COULD mention, but in the end they all pale in comparison to her own words. It would be like adding an extra brush stroke to Michaelangelo's "Creation of Man." I'd just fuck it up.
You're welcome to say whatever you'd like in the comments, but I'm just going to sit back and let this masterpiece of supreme idiocy wash over my body. Ahhhh....
-----Original Message----- From: Rita B.
Sent: Saturday, April 12, 2008
Subject: new shirt
The new shirt - "Women are like parking spots. They're whores and liars." Is that supposed to be funny? Near as I can tell, there's no punchline. It's just degrades women. I'm no feminazi, but this just seems like a blatant insult.
Editor's Note: Incorrect. A blatant insult would be "Rita is an ignorant cow and, even more than the Holocaust, she is an example of everything wrong with humanity." You see the difference? The shirt is a new take on a tired joke, and a blatant insult is just someone being offended by the truth.
From: Chris A.
Sent: Friday, April 11, 2008
Subject: Very upset
Dear Mr. or Ms. Hell,
I recently bought a shirt from your company. I was terribly embarrassed when I went to a party only to find another party patron wearing the same shirt! Naturally I turned a deep shade of red and ran screaming for the door while all those around me pointed and jeered with great veracity. Oh, woe is me, woe is me.
Fortunately, I thought fast: I found a heavy black magic marker in my car and drew a mustache on the cute but indignant cartoon character adoring my marvelous new shirt and rejoined the party, vindicated. In the future please don't sell the same shirt to more than one person in the same state. Thank you for your consideration in this serious matter.
Bermuda Mudflap Magnito Jesus Smith
Editor's Note: It is currently Ms. Hell, because I'm not wearing my special attachment.
What's this about you defacing a flawless work of art? I understand your need to avoid a potentially embarrassing situation at a party, but there are better ways to go about it. Instead of marking all over the T-shirt equivalent of God, why not just turn it inside out? This makes for an extra bit of fun if you're at a party with a black light, as the Swastika stamped inside all of our shirts will be prominently displayed.
Better yet, why not just go topless? That's what I do when I go to court and the prosecutor is also wearing nipple clamps and chain mail. If you simply must have a humorous phrase or image on your person, just tattoo one of our many shirt designs on your chest.
Yet a third option would be to simply murder and dispose of the body of anyone wearing clothes similar to yours. A word of warning though: This method kept me plenty busy at my most recent Klan rally (I filled their quota).