It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing


OK bitches, it is time for you to prove that your heads are good for something other than accepting the occasional cumshot. We have added the ability for you to leave comments on all our t-shirts. Just click on any one of the individual shirt graphics on the site and you can leave whatever passes for a thought in your sad, little head.

Finally, someone is asking for your opinion- sorry it turned out to be us. It is live and uncensored, just like that show your mom puts on with that Shetland pony.

long division


Another tax deadline has come and gone. I hope you don't mind, but I claimed you all as dependents. I don't think the auditor believes me, so if you could all drop by some time next week and allow me to breast-feed you for a moment or two you'd really be helping me out. Also, lick my pussy. Onto the news.

Plenty happened in music the past couple of weeks. First off, the panties of 30-year-old women all over America were moistened when it was announced that the New Kids on the Block were reuniting. Part of me wants to criticize this as being a pathetic group of grown women wallowing in nostalgia, but I suppose it's no different than me attending reenactments of the Challenger explosion or shoving babies named Jessica into wells.

Mariah Carey recently passed Elvis for the most No. 1 singles and now sits behind only the Beatles. But those numbers are misleading. When you adjust for actual talent, she's somewhere between Kenny G and the Fat Boys. And the Beatles are behind Slayer [holds up metal sign and screams at stranger].

Film legend Charlton Heston recently passed away after a long struggle with Alzheimer's. Heston's last words were, "Get your stinkin' - Mr. Demille, that horse just bit me. - I ate a guy before making 'Soylent Green' so I could understand the character." Get it? It's funny because he had Alzheimer's and he's dead.

It was reported that Pamela Anderson will be getting her own reality show on the E Network. Sounds like great watching. I've grown tired of turning on my TV and seeing young, blonde whores act all vapid and shallow. I like my blonde whores vapid and shallow, but I prefer they look old and haggard. Remember to check that out on E. And remember to wrap your TV in a giant condom.

penis vagina


Our new shirts have arrived, but my period hasn't. Oh well...looks like I'll be making another trip to "Doctor" Hank's Dry Cleaning Emporium.

Anyway, this latest collection includes a shirt for the well-endowed male and a shirt which makes a rational, sensible plea for dirty butt sex. We've also got a shirt just for redheads (or anyone who enjoys seeing Ronald McDonald almost naked) and a shirt that finally reveals the truth about dwarves. I mean, other than the fact that they're hilarious.

All of our new shirts are here:

And check out's new TorsoPants as well:

(warning - if you're not a fan of dry humor, do not go to TorsoPants)

long division


andyAs the U.S. economy continues to struggle, market experts are casually throwing around the word "recession" as if it were a racial slur and they were in my living room (or kitchen, or basement, or front yard). Personally, I don't understand how anyone can even hint at a recession in a country where people are spending millions of dollars on the work of Billy Ray Cyrus' spawn. I'm no economist, but if the situation were really so dire, I think people would forego spending money to have their child's soul raped.

But okay, let's assume we are on the verge of an economic catastrophe. How does this affect me? Thankfully, even as the market remains shaky at best, the value of my gold bars and secret political sex tapes remains steady. Also, I have people I pay to keep an eye on stocks and do my crying/wrist-slashing for me.

For those of you who aren't so fortunate (ha ha, you're poor), we would like to help. Assuming moving to another country or simply not caring aren't viable options for you, here are some tips on how to prepare for the impending financial crisis.

Sell all of your Patrick Allen Professional Bowling Association memorabilia before the inevitable rape charge causes it to plummet in value.

As gas prices continue to soar, the average American is feeling the pinch at the pump. To avoid this, ride a bike to work. With the money you'll save, you can shove $20 bills in your ears to muffle the taunts of "Nice bike, fag" coming from motorists.

Yeah, you need kidneys and a liver to survive. No one ever said you had to sell YOUR organs.andy

Tired of paying your illegal work force an exorbitant $3 an hour? You tell those dirty Frenchmen (a.k.a. Mexicans) they'll take your discarded cantaloupe rinds as payment and be damn glad to get it. Then spit on them. Go ahead, they're your property.

Ladies: Don't just think of that thing you're sitting on as a baby-making, waste disposer. Believe it or not, there are men who will pay you to put their penis in it. After you've exhausted its usefulness, your butt, mouth, hands or unusually deep belly button will do in a pinch.

How about you use those food stamps for food instead of 40s and cigarettes; you system-abusing, child-neglecting, filthy piece of...never mind. Hi mom!

Learn how to prioritize. For example, you actually NEED a new hibachi grill, but does your kid really need that inhaler?

Identity theft is a great source of income. Just make sure you steal the right identity. The last time I stole in ID without doing the proper research I wound up as a French midget with a drinking problem.

Along with gas prices, food prices have also gone way up. One solution would be to grow your own vegetables and buy store-brand items. Or you could just stop eating so much, fatty.

Recycle. In addition to helping the planet, you'll also be able to line your pockets with a cool $1.12 for only a few weeks work. (Note: Homeless people are a great source of aluminum cans.)

andyEver hear of actually doing your job and saving money? Jesus's not the economy's fault you've had three jobs in two months and you spend what little money you have on Old Milwaukee. You piece of human garbage...just look at yourself! FUCK!

I've got a weird feeling. Go to Vegas right now. Put everything you have on 22 black. Didn't work? Sorry about that. Just go give handjobs until you have enough money to get back home.

I don't care what your guidance counselor told you. It's never too late to kill people for money.

While mugging people, don't assume young, black men are broke. The fact of the matter is that they usually carry the most cash. If you (sniff sniff) know what I mean.

Struggling to recover from the ongoing real estate mess? Here's a tip: When holding the shotgun in your mouth, make sure you hold it tilted slightly upward.

Although not as profitable or glamorous as being an actual pusher, there's no shame in being a really good drug mule.

As technology advances, it is becoming more and more difficult to duplicate the look and feel of modern bills. Fortunately, it is incredibly easy to make a passable penny. Just go out and buy massive amounts of copper and get to minting. Now you're on your way to financial freedom!

Warning: mysql_connect(): php_network_getaddresses: getaddrinfo failed: Name or service not known in /home/tshirthell/public_html/miscpages/newsletter/dev/appendComments.php on line 4

Warning: mysql_connect(): php_network_getaddresses: getaddrinfo failed: Name or service not known in /home/tshirthell/public_html/miscpages/newsletter/dev/appendComments.php on line 4
Failed to connect to the database. Please try again.