Attention fellow African-Americans: This month's thing to overreact to is Don Imus.
For anyone who missed it because they don't pay attention to bullshit that gets blown out of proportion, radio personality (and douchebag) Don Imus has recently come under fire for referring to the Rutgers women's basketball team as "some nappy-headed hos."
The whole situation is ridiculous, but it does raise a couple of interesting questions. 1) Why the fuck was a black person listening to Don Imus? And 2) When was it decided that the first amendment should only exist for the sake of irony?
In any event, I'd like to advise all you white people to stop using the word nappy. You can go back to saying nigger until we get this whole thing sorted out. And, as usual, rappers can say whatever they want at all times.
We've added several new shirts just in time for Earth Day. To commemorate this event, we've decided to do absolutely nothing different.
This batch of new shirts has something for everyone. That includes a shirt for people who want to fuck and replace postcoital spooning with more fucking, a shirt for people who want a better view, and a shirt for ladies who have amazing breasts (or just think they do).
But if that's not enough, we've also added a shirt for the pro-choice among you, and a shirt for the mistake you made if you aren't pro-choice. Meaning we've added a new baby shirt. All those and many more.
All of our new shirts are here:
As 4/20 approaches I've only got one thing on my mind: To do everything I possibly can, within the boundaries of the law, to legalize the use of marijuana. But before you filthy stoners applaud my efforts and eat another bowl of ice cream covered in Doritos, you should know that it still wouldn't be legal for you. I propose to make marijuana legal only for those of us who haven't been previously charged with possession or use of the substance.
You may be wondering why I would take such an unpopular and unusual stance. The reason is simple. By obeying the law and depriving ourselves of one of life's great pleasures, I feel that those of us who have avoided the drug have earned the right to use it. Kind of like how women that had numerous unwanted children earned the right to a few abortions after it was legalized.
Potheads, on the other hand, haven't earned shit. They aren't rebels. They're just selfish bastards that are too weak to face the shittiness of sobriety. While the rest of us have resorted to alcohol, prescription drugs, licking toads and huffing paint to make us forget about the pain known as life, they've been blowing their delicious smoke right in the face of justice.
Well no more. It's time for you assholes to face the harsh realities of life while the rest of us toke up. It's your turn to cry yourself to sleep as you realize that you're trapped in a loveless marriage. It's your turn to seethe in anger at the thought of working yet another day at your shitty job. And, most importantly, it's your turn to realize that Cheech and Chong just aren't that funny.
The same thing applies to all laws, not just the ones pertaining to marijuana. Breaking the law, no matter how ignorant and irrational that law may be, is still breaking the law. It's not civil disobedience or any other romantic notion you might have.
It's easy to point at someone like Rosa Parks and say that my point has no validity, but she was nothing more than a lazy criminal. Sitting at the front of that bus was the easy thing to do. If she truly cared about the cause she would've written her state senator or congressman a rational, well thought-out letter on the subject of civil rights. But did she do that? No. She just refused to give up her seat and made a bunch of law-abiding white men endure an incredibly uncomfortable situation.
This whole problem began when this country was founded. Rather than keep their mouths shut and continue to live under oppressive tyranny, our forefathers decided to begin their own nation. Sure, it's great that their actions have allowed us to live in a free society, but they set a precedent that it's okay for someone to break the rules just because the rules are fucked up.
I have one last message for all you pot smokers out there. Go ahead and smoke your weed. Take hits from your bong and eat your pizza. But just remember, while you're feeling mellow and not bothering anyone, the rest of us are out here feeling the kind of misery that only strict obedience to bullshit can make you feel. Happy 4/20, you goddamn hippies.
(Note: If you disagree with any of this, I'd just like you to know that this article was a coded message to my dealer.)
Comments (38) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: Scott F.
Sent: Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Why the FUCK do you insist on not allowing choice of front or back printing?!? Having a big splash of crap on the front of a shirt is gay, while having it on the back is acceptable. What you want, is a small logo on the front breast, with the large print on the back. Make it so.
Editor's Note: Hey, thanks for the advice. Tell me the name of the t-shirt company you run that makes millions of dollars every year and I'll be sure to study your business blueprint.
What's that? You don't have a t-shirt company? That's weird. I mean, I just assumed you knew what the fuck you were talking about because you seemed so confident. In any case, I appreciate your advice. Now go tell McDonald's how to sell hamburgers. I hear they're in trouble and only a business wizard like you can bail them out. And while you're at it, why don't you tell me how to sell crack to inner-city youths?
I know it would take about twenty speed-freaks with machetes to cut through all that sarcasm, but I'd like to respond to this seriously for a moment. The reason we print on the front of our shirts is very simple. These shirts are all about sharing a moment and witnessing reactions. Whether that reaction is laughter or disgust, people want to see the effect their shirt has on others. Even if that means seeing a mother puke all over her baby right before taking her own life.
And we don't put a little logo on the front breast because we'd like to think that our product, and not our name, is what people are interested in. It's when you start relying on your name to sell your product that you wind up with 50 million douchebags all wearing the same stupid shit from Tommy Hilfiger. I hope I cleared things up for you. I'd hate to think I was going to tie you up and disembowel you while these questions were still weighing on your mind.
Comments (33) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: mar t.
Sent: Saturday, March 31, 2007
This is for the designer of Bush - love him or hate him he's killed a ton of arabs.
It's disgusting how your stupid mind see things. you poor little bastard racist. the only difference really stands up here are assholes like you.
Editor's Note: I may be racist, and I may be a bastard, and I may be an asshole, but...I forgot where I was going with that. Regardless, you're an idiot.
Nice work on that last sentence, by the way. It's obvious that you simply put on a blindfold and repeatedly hit the keyboard with your pudding spoon, yet you still managed to make some words. You didn't create a coherent thought, but with a little work and some patience from the teacher that typically just teaches deaf and blind children how to say "food" and "bathroom," you'll be sleeping in a bed without restraints any day now.
For anyone else that may be offended by that shirt, it may interest you to know that President Bush himself designed it. And the reason it may interest you to know that is because it's not the truth.
Comments (18) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: jufa*** @ ***.com
Sent: Monday, April 02, 2007
Subject: Helping you!
Hello There Kind sirs,
I am taking this time out of my day to helps imrove your company! You are selling shirts that have much lack of respect. You should remove your shirts for the health of all of our souls. When you confront Allah, you shall be judged, and so I am sending this anonymous email to help you later on!
Editor's Note: You took time out of your day to help improve our company? You selfish bastard. Think of all the windows that went unlicked that day. And think of all those poor troglodytes that didn't get their daily boost of self-esteem because you weren't there to greet them at the entrance of Wal-Mart. For shame.
By the way, this email reminds me of a little game I thought of the other day. I made it up as I read through my one thousandth incoherent email. It's called "Retard or Foreigner?" I think the title is self-explanatory, but in case you don't get it, the basic idea is that you have to decide if someone is a retard or a foreigner based on how they speak.
And you can't cheat the way my friend Sheila does. She always offers the participants shoelaces to eat and it pretty much gives away the answer.
Incidentally, you don't need to worry about me being confronted by Allah. I play strip poker with that guy every Tuesday. And let's just say he doesn't exactly need to put on a Magnum before he declares jihad, if you know what I mean. (Allah has a tiny cock)
Comments (44) - View Comments - Add A Comment
From: James C.
Sent: Friday, April 06, 2007
Subject: a certain shirt
Maybe this doesn't concern you, but you lost a customer today. I was apalled to see the 'I'm just in it for the parking' shirt. It's not that I don't have a sense of humor. I think a lot of your shirts are funny. There were a couple I had considered buying, but I won't be doing business with your company if that product remains available.
To be fair, I don't think you are going to make any money off of this shirt. So please remove that shirt. Not only will you be helping your business, you'll also be doing the decent thing.
Editor's Note: There's no maybe about it. Losing you as a customer does not concern us.
Your threat puts us in a bit of an awkward position. You say that you won't be doing business with us if that shirt remains available, so we have a decision to make. Do we appease you and sell you a couple of shirts? Or do we keep the shirt up and sell a few hundred of that specific shirt? A couple...or a few hundred...Goddamn it! I don't know what to do! I wish I wasn't so incredibly stupid!
Isn't it funny how often doing the decent thing is the same as doing the boring, pointless thing? Where would we be if Malcolm X had done the "decent" thing? I'll tell you where we'd be. We'd be talking about how Malcolm X urged black people not to want equal rights. Is that the kind of world you want to live in? I mean, I know I do, but that's one of the reasons I'm shunned by my fellow African-Americans.
Comments (44) - View Comments - Add A Comment
The Fat Lady Has Sung - Now She's Crying and Eating a Turkey Leg
Necessity is the mother of invention.
And yet I have still not seen a baby-killing/orgasm machine.