Return of the Sweet Chocolate Thingy
Hello swine. Your sweet chocolate princess has returned. I’ll get to world events in a moment, but let me first answer the questions I’m sure you have about my absence. First - “What have you been up to the past few weeks?” Well, pilot season is forthcoming and I was just busy pitching shows to the networks. One was a sitcom about an abortion doctor who moves in with the ghost of Hitler. The other show I pitched was a drama about the exact same thing. No one was interested. I thought I had a deal with the president of NBC, but it just ended up being a homeless guy behind a Denny’s. I guess the Cap’n Crunch box he wore as a hat should’ve tipped me off.
Second - “Why did I return?” I’d like to give you some beautiful, romantic answer, but it was the dental plan, plain and simple. I mean, how many dental plans afford you the right to anally fist Vietnamese trannies on the company dime? I can only think of one other one. And I’m not about to work at Dairy Queen.
Onto the news. Katie Holmes is standing by Tom Cruise despite the fact that he recently raped two black strippers. Duke’s lacrosse team is facing opposition from several former generals due to mismanagement of the Iraq war. And Donald Rumsfeld and George Bush recently gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Suri. That’s the first thing I learned during my hiatus. Transposing the endings to news stories makes them much more interesting.
...And the Lord Cast These New Shirts Out of Heaven
We’ve got several new shirts for you this go ‘round, including two baby shirts. But you people aren’t ready for this shit. The first thing you’ll need to do to get ready for this shit is to consult a gynecologist, regardless of your gender. Next, buy as much apple butter as you possibly can. Then you’re going to want to use a Ouija board to contact Mickey Rooney. Did I mention you’ll need to kill him first?
Anyway, of all the groups of shirts we’ve ever had . . . this is certainly one of them. The group includes a shirt for Scientologists, but will more likely be bought by people wishing to mock Scientology. The rest of the shirts deal with the usual. Sex, drugs, rock & roll, lesbians, Satan, etc. Etc. is the funniest one. There’s also one shirt that’s invisible and exists only in my mind. If you can find it, it’s yours for free.
All of our new shirts are here:
America Fixed in Five Paragraphs
America is currently facing two huge crises. Immigration is the one making all the headlines, but with gas prices passing three dollars a gallon, it shouldn’t be forgotten that we are also in the middle of an oil crisis. And while politicians waste all their time bickering and finger-pointing, both of these situations continue to worsen. That’s why I’m extremely pleased to announce that I have solved both of these problems simultaneously. The solution is very simple.
Cars fueled by Mexicans. I have designed a prototype and I am just amazed at the performance of this machine. Why this technology didn’t already exist, I’ll never know. Even more baffling is the fact that when I contacted America’s leading automakers, none showed interest. Most of them replied with a simple “Is this some kind of sick joke?” and hung up. I’m assuming I got this response because they didn’t take me seriously. But once I send them all a video of me putting parts of Mexicans into a blender, pouring them into a tank and demonstrating the car’s power, I’m sure the offers will come pouring in.
All of this is not to suggest that I don’t support alternative fuel sources. Hybrid cars and ethanol have both made immeasurable contributions to the cause, but they both have their setbacks. Hybrid cars, while environmentally friendly, offer very little power. And ethanol, for all of its positives, will ultimately leave farmland overworked and useless. And neither of these options does anything to help slow the immigration problem.
Cars fueled by Mexicans (CFM’s), on the other hand, provide many positives, and virtually no negatives. First and foremost is the fact that it will do wonders to curtail the illegal immigration problem facing this nation, but there’s so much more. They provide all the power of conventional autos with virtually no harmful effects on the environment. In fact, my design includes something not too dissimilar from a dryer’s lint-trap, which collects the bits of Mexican which don’t go toward fueling the car and make an excellent lawn fertilizer. And I haven’t even mentioned the fuel efficiency yet. My current design gets nearly 1,000 miles to the Mexican, depending on his or her weight. And considering how plentiful and renewable they are, I couldn’t possibly imagine a better option when you take our present situation into consideration.
So there you have it. The solution to not one, but two problems facing America. If I can find a sponsor or an automaker bold enough to think outside the box and back me financially, we should be able to roll these off the production line within six months. And if Congress approves my bill proposing that we ship unemployed African-Americans to other countries to help pay down the national debt, there’s two more problems solved. Keep your fingers crossed for a better America, and a better tomorrow.
A Cup of Sugar, a Pinch of Cinnamon, and a Shitload of Hate
----- Original Message -----
From: Robert E.
Sent: Wednesday, April 12, 2006 10:46 PM
I love you guys tshirts and your sense of humor for the most part...I’m a black guy and none of the stuff making fun of black people bothers me at all in fact, I think it’s funny....I’m pretty insensitive and have a great sense of humor...
But don’t you think the James Dungy shirt is going too far? Is there anyone on your staff that is actually a dad or a mom that has lost a child to suicide? There is nothing worse in the world. If your kid is murdered you can blame someone else...when your child commits suicide, as a parent, it’s something you will blame yourself for, for the rest of your life. The way you guys did the shirt is very personal. What’s worse, the shirt isn’t even really funny. It’s about a group of people who are really sad and left their families with a lot of questions.
I know it’s a Worse than Hell shirt...but I would hope that it’s not making any money and you could at least use that justification to pull it...
(Editor's Note: Sorry to disappoint you Robert, but the shirt is selling like hot-cakes. Well, maybe not like hot-cakes, but at the very least it’s selling as well as the “Support my dead James Dungy” ribbons they sell at Wal-Mart. And oddly enough, Tony Dungy has bought most of them. Another odd thing: this shirt is actually how he found out that his son was dead. So someone owes us an apology. Actually, a few people. You, the devil and Cher.
But to answer your question, no, no one on this staff has lost a child to suicide. But that’s just because when T-Shirt Hell hires someone, we force them to kill their children. And if they don’t have children, we force them to adopt some and then kill them. Just as a sign of good faith and loyalty.
And since suicide seems to be such a sensitive issue with you, I’d just like to offer my condolences on the future suicides of your children. I don’t know if you have, or plan on having, any children. But if and when you do, I’d like you to know you have my sympathy when you find their lifeless bodies in your kitchen. Accompanied by a note reading, “Our dad is a stupid fucking asshole that spent all his time complaining about shirts rather than spending time with us. He wasted his own life and we weren’t going to let him do the same to us. Goodbye cruel world. And fuck you dad.”
So hang in there when that happens. You’ll have our full support. And let us know when it happens so we can get started on the shirt and send you one.)
----- Original Message -----
From: kAyLa S.
Sent: Wednesday, April 05, 2006 8:17 PM
I have got something to say about one of your shirts....I know it’s called T-shirt hell.com but you have no right to make a shirt that says “If Jesus comes back (we’ll him again)” That is wrong and you need help. Jesus died on the cross for our sins so that WE could LIVE. You should be ashamed fo your selfs.
Sincerely - Kayla
(Editor's Note: Let me respond to this one sentence by sentence. Sentence #1 - Yes, we do have a right to make that shirt. When something is legal, that means you have a right to do it. And this is legal. I wouldn’t expect someone that consults the Bible for legal advice to understand that, but it’s true. I have the right to put whatever I want on a shirt. When I stomp on your head and puke in the wounds, that’s when you can say I have no right to do what I’m doing. So . . . tomorrow.
As it is obvious that the shirt is wrong and I need help, I’ll skip sentence #2. So sentence #3 - If Jesus died for our sins, what’s the big deal. I realize it’s an old point to make, but if Jesus died for our sins, what’s the fucking problem. All these goddamn Christians are trying to stamp out sin so Jesus’ death will have been in vain. Not me, damn it. I’m out there every day strangling midgets and getting fisted in truck stop bathrooms for the Lord.
Last sentence - This one’s just bad grammar. It’s bad enough she wrote “fo your selfs,” but then she fucks up again by spelling proud ‘a-s-h-a-m-e-d’. Fucking idiot. Oh, I better go. Jesus hates it when I leave him in the sex chair after he already came. )
----- Original Message -----
From: Kimberly M.
Sent: Wednesday, April 05, 2006 8:59 AM
Subject: Autistic Tshirt
I am writing to you regarding your slanderous T-shirt about children with Autism. I’m not sure if you think this is in any way cute or funny. It is a crime that children with a neurobiological disorder have to be made fun of like this. I guess this is a quick way to make a buck due to all of the awareness about Autism. I am the mother of a child with autism. If only you could “walk a mile in their shoes”. Turning profit despite a life longer disorder that children and families endure. I guess you have yet to learn the value of life.
(Editor's Note: Kimberly, go ahead and hate the shirt if you like, but don’t call it slanderous when it’s clearly not. The shirt she’s referring to reads “Autistic kids rock”. How is that slanderous? Autistic kids do rock. In the most literal sense of the word. It’s like the old saying goes. It’s funny because it’s true. This shirt is many things, but slanderous is not one of them. Insensitive - sure. Hilarious - absolutely. Slanderous - never.
And since you called us slanderous without merit, I feel that gives us one free pass to be slanderous, so here goes. Kimberly M. doesn’t seem at all like a stupid bitch who’s angry at God for cursing her with an autistic child and tries to take out her anger on people putting some jokes on a shirt. And never in a million years would I want to cut off her arms and legs and force her to watch a pride of lions eat her limbs. See, now that’s slanderous.
And finally, you’re right. I do have yet to learn the value of life. But I do know the value of a great t-shirt. Only $18 at tshirthell.com )
----- Original Message -----
From: Sean B.
Sent: Thursday, April 06, 2006 5:54 PM
Alright Im here in response to the racist remarks on your shirts such as “Arrest Black Babies Before They Become Criminals”. Then your response is “We design our shirts to amuse ourselves. We don’t care if you’re offended by them.” Im a proud black man of my epople and I don’t think we are all criminals. Your kind has done more illegal things in their past such as kidnappin, raping, and theft. So I think you should look at yourselves before you judge us. That right there tell you why Whites should be called “nigggers” because of your stupidity and ignorance.
(Editor's Note: Well, as a strong black woman I am proud of myself and ashamed of you. Whether or not I’m proud of someone depends on an individuals actions. Being proud of an entire race means you are as proud of Martin Luther King Jr. as you are of MC Hammer. As someone that judges people based on the actions of that individual, I can say that I’m much prouder of MC Hammer. I don’t let race make it seem like MLK Jr. is his equal. And you don’t THINK that we are all criminals, but I KNOW that we are. Didn’t you go to the last meeting? We had a really long discussion about that.
Then you say “Your kind has done more illegal things in their past such as kidnappin, raping and theft.” By doing this you are doing the exact same thing that you’re condemning. You’re holding an entire race responsible for the actions of some. White people are no more responsible for slavery than we are for trying to escape from slavery. And if you don’t think any black men are responsible for kidnap and rape, I’d like to introduce you to my dad and two step-dads.
Lastly, you say whites should be called nigggers, even going so far as to toss in an extra G. Well Sean, two wrongs don’t make a right. Don’t you know anything you stupid nigger?)
This Isn’t the End, It’s a New Beginning - Like Suicide
The best things in life are free. Especially if you’re a rapist.