BUY SHIRTS
 


04/26/05

We have a new Pope, who used to be a member of the Hitler Youth. The
official Vatican Biographer says, "Let's not make a big deal out of this.
He was very young, and didn't show much enthusiasm for it." Apparently, he
lost interest when he realized just how long it took to cook a Jew with only
his Easy Bake Oven."

[We Have New Shirts For A New You: The Old You Sucked.]

Can you believe George Lopez took his wife's kidney when he found out his
kidneys were failing? Man, those Mexicans will take anything if you don't
watch them.

We have five new shirts this week. If you are not a sports fan, but you're
still a player; if you're hard of hearing, or if you're tired of dead baby
jokes; we have a shirt for you. And did I mention the free lap dance? We
added a new Britney Spears shirt right as we sent the last newsletter. So
in case you missed it, I threw that in, too.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt478n.htm

If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste it
into your browser.

[Family Mind Over Family Matters]

Unless you're an orphan this may be the most important thing you ever read.
And if you are an orphan- ha ha, you're an orphan!

I hate my family and it's not just because all they want is my money. So if
you're a member of my family, and you can read, check it.

When they hired me to work at T-Shirt Hell, I had nothing. When I was
living in a crack den (which was right next to my crack library
on the second floor of my five million dollar crack mansion) you didn't give
a fuck about me. But now that I have a twenty million dollar penthouse
overlooking Central Park you can't wait to come over and kiss my glorious,
lightly scented ass.

Well, I've got news for you. Don't hold your breath. I wouldn't even let
you kiss the ass of the guy I employ, whose whole job is to let people kiss
his ass. And this guy, he doesn't just look like Ed Begley, Jr.: it is Ed
Begley, Jr. I even let homeless people kiss his ass. They love it. He
loves it. And while I know that you're all well on your way to being
homeless; even when you're homeless, I still won't let you kiss his ass.

Let me explain to you what family is. Family is a fake: it's an illusion.
Sharing DNA and coming out of the same drippy hole is no basis for a
relationship. I share 96% of my DNA with a chimpanzee and I'm not ready to
move into the monkey house.

This is not just true for me; it's true for everyone on the planet. If you
woke up with amnesia you wouldn't be able to pick your family out of a line
up. In depth interviews wouldn't shed any light on the subject. And when
the doctors showed you your actual family, you would look around for Ashton
Kutcher; and not just to ask him what it's like to bang Bruce Willis's
leftovers.

Family is a loose collection of people you would not choose to associate
with if society hadn't brainwashed you into believing that you had to. We
don't live in caves, or log cabins, or New Jersey where we have to stick
together for protection.

I have satellite TV, my own bowling alley, and high speed internet. Not
only do I not need my family, I don't need to leave my house.

This is why tigers eat their young. I think I would rather eat my greedy
family before I would talk to them again. Only the potentially artery
clogging impact of their carcasses would give me pause. Even prepared on
my George Forman Grill, his oily nature, and fat content would still just be
too high. Maybe I'll feed them to the pack of bulimic gymnasts I keep at my
summer home. Just to see the look on their faces before and after they are
eaten

And as for my extended family, who can be seen in non singing roles in,
"Deliverance: the Musical", I can't even be bothered to have contempt for
you. I delight in the fact that as much as I hate you, you all hate each
other more. You are all hypocrites. At least I have the decency to hate
all of you consistently. If you didn't expend all of your time and energy
going to endless baby showers, birthdays, and funerals, you wouldn't need my
money.

And when I'm dead, I'm taking all of my money with me. My money and
my body will be placed on my yacht off the coast of Anguilla.
Me, my yacht, and my money will be set on fire in a glorious
Viking funeral.

Take my advice and let go of your family, ideally when you're holding them
by a rope over a cliff. But if that's not possible just cut all ties;
preferably ties that they're wearing, that other people are holding, to
prevent them from going over cliffs.

[Your Letters Light A Fire In My Heart, And It Burns When I Pee]

----- Original Message -----

From: Amanda
Sent: Monday, April 25, 2005 9:19 PM
Subject: comment

Hello,

I was very interested in purchasing one of your shirts that I have been
looking at for a couple years now, but recently I looked at some of your
other sections of shirts and was completely offended. Especially the Hitler
and Jews shirts and the Mexicans shirts.

I am sorry but I will never shop at your online store and I am telling all
of my friends never to shop at your store either.

Your shirts are ok until you completely make fun of some race.

Sincerely,

A.B

(Editor's Note: Amanda has been coming to our site for years and never
pressed the Worse Than Hell button. Amanda also likes to go to Google every
day and not press Google Search. She just likes to stare at the pretty
colored letters. Wait until Mother's Day Amanda, when they make the two
'o's into a pair of lactating tits.

I think the truth is it took you all of these years to find that button.
So, how many years would I have had to wait for you to actually figure out
how to place an order? And you expect me to believe you could find the CVV2
code on your credit card? You couldn't find your own ass with both hands.
You said our shirts are OK until we make fun of some race? Does that mean
other races are fair game? Do you actually have no problem with our shirts
about Blacks and Asians, or should I ask you again in five years when you
finally find them? I'm not worried about you calling your friends. First
you'd have to find the buttons on your phone and I don't see that
happening.)

----- Original Message -----

From: "Amanda N." <anow*** @ ***.com>
Sent: Wednesday, April 13, 2005 9:37 AM
Subject: Baby Seal T-Shirt

A friend fowarded me the link the the "Stop Clubbing Baby Seals" t-shirt,
and I am deeply disgusted. Why on earth would anyone try to make something
clever and funny about the horrendous masacre taking place as I type? Would
you have created the same sort of shirts if the seals had been humans?
Unlikely. And it doesn't appear that the 18 dollars you're charging is going
toward any effort to stop the baby seal killings, which is pretty shameful.

You should seriously consider whether or not it is ethical to make light of
a violent, terrifying situation; it just might affect your business.

Amanda

(Editor's Note: What is it with these people named Amanda. Why can't they
be more like that nice horse faced stick figure Amanda Peet? This fucking
kills me. You're offended by a shirt that says Stop Clubbing Baby Seals?
I'm sure many a despondent seal hunter, on the verge of quitting and taking
up macrobiotic gardening, has taken one look this t-shirt, and with renewed
blood lust, jumped back in to the slaughter. I wish they could find a good
use for your hide so they hunted you to extinction. I'd use it to line my
toilet so I could shit on you three times a day. Yes, I'm that regular. I
eat a lot of fiber and drink plenty of water. But people like you are like
cockroaches. There never seems to be any shortage. Even though you do seem
to scatter when exposed to the cold hard light of reason, you always come
back. You think making fun of violent, terrifying situations will affect
our business? That is our business. And would we make a shirt like this
about humans? Absolutely. In fact, our next shirt is going to be 'Start
Clubbing Dumb Bitches Named Amanda')

----- Original Message -----

From: "dejaye p." <gothicprincess65 @ ***.com>
Sent: Wednesday, March 02, 2005 10:15 PM
Subject: RE: The Early March Thing

fuck u you just ran a virus though my whole computer sistem when i fined u i
m going to kill u

(Editor's Note: Hey Gothicprincess65, after typing in gothic princess 1-64
I would think you would have given up. Did you ever think it might be time
to come up with a different name? Might I suggest gothicretard01, or
perhaps gothicdeadfromtheneckup? I'm glad we gave you that virus.

The next virus I send will be a brain eating virus. It will dissolve your
brains and they will dribble out of your ears. Then when you look up,
your eyes will fall back into your empty skull and roll around. And I'm
not worried about this brain eating virus getting loose: because in your
head it will surely starve to death in a matter of seconds.)

----- Original Message -----

From: Bronxbark @ .***.com
Sent: Monday, April 18, 2005 9:19 PM
Subject: ARREST BLACK BABIES

I was insulted to see that tee shirt being marketed. I just hope that you
have come to your senses and removed that from stock and burned the
remaining ones. If not i hope one day that your daughter or granddaughter
gets fucked real bad by a black man and produces a child and then you can
let them wear it.

(Editor's Note: I don't know why you're insulted. You want my daughter to
be fucked really bad by a black man. How about you? I'm sure that you're
a black man who fucks really bad. I'll bet that you're quick, that you cry,
and that your tiny limp dick would get you laughed out of the steam room in
Chinatown. Jackie Chan would snicker and point at you in the shower, and
then fuck you in the ass while doing a back flip off of the ceiling. Since,
I'm black, all of my offspring are automatically black no matter what you
say about being 'multiracial' Mr. Tiger Woods, you white chick banging, self
hating mongrel. But nobody is going to fuck my children but me. And once
they turn five and stop being so sexy; they're going straight to prison
where they belong.)

[Don't Forget About Road Rage Cards]

True Story: I was driving yesterday, and some dick head is tailgating me
and trying to make me pull over. I grabbed my Road Rage Cards and flashed
him the one with the picture of the gun on it; the one that says, "I wish
this was real." At the next stop light he actually got out of his car and
walked over to me. So, I picked up my Road Rage Cards book, and beat him to
death with it. It's just one more reason to love your Road Rage Cards.
Stupid bastard, no wonder people hate cops.

If you haven't bought one yet, or need to replace a badly blood stained
copy, check them out here:

http://www.roadrage.com

[The End]

Ex-American Idol contestant Corey Clark claims he had sex with monkey faced
Idol judge Paula Abdul. In fact, to support his claim, he promised he can
accurately describe an unusual birthmark located near the tip of her penis.
Paula Abdul could not be reached for comment, as she had Reuben Studdard's
enormous black cock in her mouth.

That's all we have for this week, but if you read it backwards there's an
added message from Satan at no charge.