I hope you don't mind if I wrap this up quickly. I have a date with someone I met on Craigslist. He asked me to bring piano wire, a tarp and a shovel. He sounds kinky. Hopefully this date will be a cute story we tell our grandkids one day.
Texas recently stated its unhappiness with the U.S. government and threatened secession. This is really bad news. It means from now on we might have to import spousal abuse and obesity.
President Obama is leaving the door open to the prosecution of Bush officials who devised harsh interrogation tactics. You know, because accountability is important. Almost as important as wasting a lot of taxpayer money in the middle of a supposed recession to conduct a trial that will accomplish nothing. Hooray for change!
Speaking of Obama, his family recently welcomed Bo, their new dog, to the White House. There was a cute incident when Bo tried to hump Obama's leg but ended up sodomizing Nancy Pelosi. Just adorable.
The FBI put an animal rights activist on the "Most Wanted Terrorists" list for the first time last week. Although the man in question hasn't killed anyone, he has caused immeasurable damage by bombing two corporate offices in California. Also, he totally lays a guilt trip on his roommate when all he wants to do is eat some fucking bacon in peace. Not cool, man. Not cool.
A new Miss America was crowned last week. I don't know what state she came from, but if you want to find out you can talk to her at the upcoming Jacksonville boat show. She will begin her duties next week. Until Miss Mexico offers to do her job for half pay and only a quarter lifetime's supply of Loreal products.
Speaking of the pageant, Miss California stirred up some controversy when she said she opposes gay marriage. However, she has no problem with the lesbian porn she'll be doing in 3 months. Oh, who am I kidding... She just guaranteed herself a job as the next set of tits that noise comes out of on FOX News.
This week we have a guest writer that we found curled up in the dumpster behind our building.
Hey there, you pathetic residence-slaves. It's your ol' buddy, Stinky Jasper. The black lady who usually writes this (and who I let pee on me in exchange for expired condiments) asked me if I would handle her duties this week. After taking a quick glance at my appointment book (mostly indecipherable lipstick smears on a dead dog), I decided I had nothing better to do and kindly obliged.
She said I could write about anything I wanted. A deal she quickly reneged on when I handed in a story about the dancing dragon with the head of Michael Landon that the government put in my brain. So, I decided to write about a recurring theme I've been noticing in the news. It seems more and more people are coming around to my way of thinking, and I say it's about time. Between Texas threatening secession and the recent "tea parties" held across the nation, it is becoming clear that you "citizens" are tired of this sham known as a "functioning society."
I know what you're going through because I went through the same thing. It was about 20 years ago. One day I woke up, looked around my apartment and thought "Protection from the elements, soft bed, running water, electricity... Enough is enough." That's the day I decided to go off the grid. No more of your "rules" and "laws." No more caring whether or not a couple of rats just fucked on the bagel I'm about to eat. No more having a positive effect on anything, including my own life. Nope, none of that. From now on, it's just Jasper and a life free of responsibility. And happiness.
That's why I'm encouraged to see so many people voice their dissent for the government. You people have become uncomfortable with your own comfort and it's time you let the powers that be know that.
It's time to stand up and declare, "We've had enough! We don't need your regulation or oversight! We don't need power, water, places to get a job, hospitals, schools, homes, places to buy stuff, or any signs that mankind has progressed in the last few centuries! We will all live off the land and begin a life free of your control! Sure, we'll likely resort to cannibalism after there's no more food to loot, but still... You'll get the point! You know, that we don't need you."
Let these government fat cats and bureaucrats know they can't get away with picking your pockets. Not if all they're going to do with your money is give you and your family an opportunity for a decent life. That is YOUR money and you have every right to make sure it doesn't go toward public works, but rather to the construction of your isolated compound where you will live out the remainder of your life clutching your guns and making sure civilization keeps its distance. You don't need the thoughts and cooperation of outsiders infecting your paradise.
So Texas, go ahead and get this secession under way. You've been a member of the Union for nearly 170 years, and in that time what has the government ever done for you? I mean, beside the infrastructure, schools, and everything else ever? Who made you one of the most obese and polluted states in the country? You did that on your own, with zero help from Uncle Sam.
Everyone else can learn from the example set by Texas. Tell the government where they can stick it and join me in my utopia free of oppression and restraints. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go eat a half-eaten cheeseburger that's been soaking in Sprite right before I go to sleep in a big pile of old insulation. Ah, the sweet life.
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About a month ago a homeless person had broken into my apartment, and stolen all of my clothing and a guitar and amplifier. I spent Six Hundred Dollars on your site trying to create a new wardrobe. My question is... Dude, am I a total dumbass, or what?
Editor's Note: I'm sorry to say you are a total dumbass. The minimum amount you need to spend to avoid that title is $1000. I believe that is the technical definition according to Webster's.
"total dumbass (n.) - person or Mexican who has not spent at least one thousand dollars at tshirthell.com - See also: people who believe in God or buy anything with soy in it"
So, yeah, you're a dumbass. But buck up, you only have to spend $400 more to join the "Smartest Mother Fucker of All Time" club. There is one other way to join that club, but frankly, I doubt you can hold your breath long enough for us to perform what I call the "Backwards Birth."
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Worst humor I've ever seen. Only a teenager really can posses such crude sense of humor to buy a t-shirt from you.
Editor's Note: I congratulate you on having never seen anything by Martin Lawrence or Tyler Perry. Or Woody Allen. Geez, how did you dodge that bullet?
Anyway, I'll have you know you couldn't be more wrong about our fan base. According to our fan surveys, the average T-Shirt Hell customer is a 99-year-old white male whose religion is drinking and who likes to "rock out with his cock out." Also, they all like to do meth on Jupiter and kill dragons.
Wait a second... dragons don't exist anymore. DAMN YOU, RIGHTS TO PRIVACY!!!
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Hey, I've been a fan of your site since round about 2000. We used to send the New Shirts around the office. I laughed my gay ass off then - and have pretty much always done. Until tonight.
Maybe I'm getting older and losing my sense of humor but the "It's not gay if you beat them up afterwards" isn't just a politically incorrect slur - it's a call to violence. I find that abhorrent.
And here's a quick courage check: substitute the word gay for black and see if you have the balls to post the same tee-shirt. I didn't think so. Good luck with your site. You crossed the line with this former fan.
Editor's Note: Okay, so... "It's not black if you beat them up afterward"? I guess we'll go ahead and post the shirt. I'm pretty sure we'll all get our asses kicked by black people though. Not because they'll be offended, but because they'll be fucking confused. Anyway, I don't think you're giving black people enough credit. Just like credit companies. Mutha fuckin' ZING, yo!
But the reason we insult the gays more than the blacks is because black people could easily kick our asses. But what are the gay folk gonna do, spit sperm at us? Seriously, I'd sooner make fun of gay people than I would blind midget amputees. Unless you throw a bag of your AIDSy blood at me, I just don't feel that threatened by you.
And FYI, you're not losing your sense of humor because you're getting older. You're losing your sense of humor because you're a tool. People like you use this supposed "maturation" to explain the fact that you're boring and no fun to be around, but you need to admit the truth to yourself: you're not mature, you're just a fucking loser.
There are no act-your-age police standing around waiting for you to turn 26. You're just a bunch of assholes who have realized you can't make anyone laugh so you do your best to make yourself more "adult" than them. Well congratulations, Captain Big Boy Pants, you have successfully made everyone want to avoid you.
Point being, getting older has nothing to do with your ability to take a joke. I mean, my grandpa is 87 and he still laughs every time I rip open his colostomy bag and pour it on him. At least I think he laughs. It's so hard to tell since he's been in that coma.
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Gay Jesus Offends Christians--is not only a stupid idea but I wonder how having an open shirt means you're gay, because most people I have met with an unbuttoned short are actually trying to pick up girls. That picture makes Jesus look like he's trying to be macho not gay.
I also want to say right now that shirt isn't really funny and might actually get people beat up who wear it. I think it's a safety hazard. (Not to mention I don't agree with it, but sheesh, this t-shirt could be the cause of a lawsuit and it doesn't really matter if I don't agree with it personally).
Editor's Note: Actually, it is a proven fact that men who wear unbuttoned shirts are gay. You're probably confused because so many of them hit on you, but that's just because they all thought you were a dude. And shame on you for disappointing them. All those gay guys thought they were about to get a mouth full of cock and when they get down there it's like "Hey, that's not a cock. It's just a patch of unwashed hair and some organ that looks like it's never been used."
Besides, that shirt is based on the actual Gay Jesus I met when I visited a parallel universe. In that universe, Jesus is gay, dolphins rape people, and you aren't an unloved sanctimonious cunt.
As for the shirt getting people beat up, I can only hope. I look forward to the day when that shirt starts a simple scuffle and inexplicably it erupts into an orgy of violence that claims the life of every human on the planet. That's why we do what we do. That and to tell you to fuck off.
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[Frankly My Dear... Okay, One Last Blowjob]
All that glitters is not gold. It might be a stripper who just got off work.