ROT IN HELL BEA ARTHUR
HIGH ROLLER
I'D FUCK THE GREEN M&M
CLEARLY AMBIGUOUS
UPSIDE DOWN SYNDROME
I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?
I AM THE NINJA YOUR PARENTS WARNED YOU ABOUT
DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE - GET ME A BEER
I TAKE THE
I BETA TESTED YOUR GIRLFRIEND
BAD SAMARITAN
YOUR SISTER IS HOT BUT YOUR MOM DOES THAT THING WITH HER TONGUE
BY THE TIME YOU READ THIS YOU'VE ALREADY READ IT
CLIT 'R' US
POP A SMURF
DISNEY ON ICE
FREE HUGS (WORLD CHAMPION SLUT HUGGER)
FUCKING CLASSY
THIS T-SHIRT IS 100% ORGANIC
NOT TONIGHT LADIES I'M JUST HERE TO GET DRUNK
I FUCKING LOVE TO CUDDLE

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newsfromhell

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WORST.GANGBANG.EVER

I hope you don't mind if I wrap this up quickly. I have a date with someone I met on Craigslist. He asked me to bring piano wire, a tarp and a shovel. He sounds kinky. Hopefully this date will be a cute story we tell our grandkids one day.

Texas recently stated its unhappiness with the U.S. government and threatened secession. This is really bad news. It means from now on we might have to import spousal abuse and obesity.

President Obama is leaving the door open to the prosecution of Bush officials who devised harsh interrogation tactics. You know, because accountability is important. Almost as important as wasting a lot of taxpayer money in the middle of a supposed recession to conduct a trial that will accomplish nothing. Hooray for change!

Speaking of Obama, his family recently welcomed Bo, their new dog, to the White House. There was a cute incident when Bo tried to hump Obama's leg but ended up sodomizing Nancy Pelosi. Just adorable.

The FBI put an animal rights activist on the "Most Wanted Terrorists" list for the first time last week. Although the man in question hasn't killed anyone, he has caused immeasurable damage by bombing two corporate offices in California. Also, he totally lays a guilt trip on his roommate when all he wants to do is eat some fucking bacon in peace. Not cool, man. Not cool.

A new Miss America was crowned last week. I don't know what state she came from, but if you want to find out you can talk to her at the upcoming Jacksonville boat show. She will begin her duties next week. Until Miss Mexico offers to do her job for half pay and only a quarter lifetime's supply of Loreal products.

Speaking of the pageant, Miss California stirred up some controversy when she said she opposes gay marriage. However, she has no problem with the lesbian porn she'll be doing in 3 months. Oh, who am I kidding... She just guaranteed herself a job as the next set of tits that noise comes out of on FOX News.

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picture 1This week we have a guest writer that we found curled up in the dumpster behind our building.

Hey there, you pathetic residence-slaves. It's your ol' buddy, Stinky Jasper. The black lady who usually writes this (and who I let pee on me in exchange for expired condiments) asked me if I would handle her duties this week. After taking a quick glance at my appointment book (mostly indecipherable lipstick smears on a dead dog), I decided I had nothing better to do and kindly obliged.

She said I could write about anything I wanted. A deal she quickly reneged on when I handed in a story about the dancing dragon with the head of Michael Landon that the government put in my brain. So, I decided to write about a recurring theme I've been noticing in the news. It seems more and more people are coming around to my way of thinking, and I say it's about time. Between Texas threatening secession and the recent "tea parties" held across the nation, it is becoming clear that you "citizens" are tired of this sham known as a "functioning society."picture 1

I know what you're going through because I went through the same thing. It was about 20 years ago. One day I woke up, looked around my apartment and thought "Protection from the elements, soft bed, running water, electricity... Enough is enough." That's the day I decided to go off the grid. No more of your "rules" and "laws." No more caring whether or not a couple of rats just fucked on the bagel I'm about to eat. No more having a positive effect on anything, including my own life. Nope, none of that. From now on, it's just Jasper and a life free of responsibility. And happiness.

picture 1That's why I'm encouraged to see so many people voice their dissent for the government. You people have become uncomfortable with your own comfort and it's time you let the powers that be know that.

It's time to stand up and declare, "We've had enough! We don't need your regulation or oversight! We don't need power, water, places to get a job, hospitals, schools, homes, places to buy stuff, or any signs that mankind has progressed in the last few centuries! We will all live off the land and begin a life free of your control! Sure, we'll likely resort to cannibalism after there's no more food to loot, but still... You'll get the point! You know, that we don't need you."

picture 1Let these government fat cats and bureaucrats know they can't get away with picking your pockets. Not if all they're going to do with your money is give you and your family an opportunity for a decent life. That is YOUR money and you have every right to make sure it doesn't go toward public works, but rather to the construction of your isolated compound where you will live out the remainder of your life clutching your guns and making sure civilization keeps its distance. You don't need the thoughts and cooperation of outsiders infecting your paradise.

So Texas, go ahead and get this secession under way. You've been a member of the Union for nearly 170 years, and in that time what has the government ever done for you? I mean, beside the infrastructure, schools, and everything else ever? Who made you one of the most obese and polluted states in the country? You did that on your own, with zero help from Uncle Sam.

Everyone else can learn from the example set by Texas. Tell the government where they can stick it and join me in my utopia free of oppression and restraints. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go eat a half-eaten cheeseburger that's been soaking in Sprite right before I go to sleep in a big pile of old insulation. Ah, the sweet life.


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