T-Shirt Hell : Newsletter: April 28, 2008

HULK RUN FAST. HULK SMASH!

The Pennsylvania primaries are finally over and Hillary Clinton defeated Barack Obama in a tightly contested battle. And you know what that means...but you don't care so let's skip it.

With the economy in serious trouble, President Bush announced that rebate checks would be sent earlier than expected. He also announced that "RoboCop was awesome" and "If it never went 'Moo,' I ain't eatin' it." So expect your check some time in the next couple of weeks. Just in time to pay for your post-spring break abortions.

Speaking of financial crises, gas prices continue to climb and experts are saying they will continue their climb through summer. And they laughed when I proposed my moped fueled by hobo-blood. Well who's laughing now, Judge Welling?

And as if the situation weren't bleak enough, the cost of flying has gone way up, even as customer service is way down. When reached for comment, the President of United said "Yeah, we're raising prices. And we'll continue to raise prices. What're you gonna do, ride a bus? Good luck not getting robbed and sodomized by a drifter when you change buses in Dubuque."

Due to complaints by an increasing number of patients, the FDA is taking a closer look at laser eye surgery. Complaints fell into one of two categories. Either A) everyone the patient sees looks like Charles Grodin, or B) patients can see the future, but only when it involves fat people fucking.

Miley Cyrus has said she's embarrassed by the recent provocative photographs taken for Vanity Fair. Come on. We've watched your show, heard your music, and your dad is Billy Ray Cyrus? But artfully done semi nudes taken by Annie Leibovitz you find embarrassing? This does not bode well for her inevitable future in shizer porn.

Did you hear that? It sounded like muffled screaming, a chainsaw and some random splattering. I think it's coming from that shed over there. You better take a look. Just step softly and approach the door. Now turn the knob slowly and cautiously open it...IT'S NEW SHIRT TIME!

Yeah, I know that was gay. Anyway, our newest shirts have arrived just in time for whatever happens in May. This group includes a great drinking shirt, a shirt for the romantic in you (that wants to be in her), the perfect shirt to draw in the ladies (and, no, it's not about money or the opportunity to crush a man's spirit) and a shirt for sports fans/hymen-busters everywhere.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt_042808_news.htm

And check out TorsoPants.com's new TorsoPants as well:

http://www.torsopants.com/miscpages/ntpn/newtp042308.htm

(warning - if you're not a fan of dry humor, do not go to TorsoPants)

andy The DEA is warning of a new trend in the world of drugs: candy-flavored cocaine. The cocaine, which comes in strawberry, coconut, lemon-lime and cinnamon, has gained popularity in California and federal drug agents are hoping to prevent it from spreading to the rest of the country.

I'd have to give the edge to coconut, but the strawberry does have a certain charm. You know...that certain charm where I feel like I can punch God in the face. But I'll give my full and detailed reviews of all these flavors at some other time. Right now I'd simply like to take this opportunity to raise awareness of all the other new advancements in drugs and drug trafficking.

Of course, coming up with fresh and exciting ways to push product is nothing new to the drug trade. Drug lords can be incredibly clever when they aren't busy killing the whores they thought were giant melting crocodiles, due to hallucinations brought on by "bad shit." So, to bring you the most current and up to date tricks of the drug trade, I talked to my good friend (who is known to me only as "El Blanco Felicidad") about the latest developments. Here is the straight "dope" (ha ha - MY SOUL IS ON FIRE!).

- Since most users get shot, OD, or (if they’re losers) get clean after a few years; getting children hooked on product has always been an important part of maintaining your customer base in the drug business. That is why pushers the world over are creating kid-friendly products such as: Flintstones Chewable 'Shrooms, Hannah Montana's Youthies (roofies for the tweener set), and My First Meth straight from andy Bob the Builder's Meth Lab.

- Drug-sniffing dogs have long been the bane of the drug trade. To combat this, dealers have resorted to altering their product to give off odors which naturally repel dogs. So as long as you don't mind coke that tastes like skunk ass or the musk of the undead, there should be no problem with your shipment.

- Drugs typically fall into two categories: stimulants and depressants. But lately, to open up an entirely new market, dealers have been experimenting with drugs that provide absolutely no sensation. No high and no low, just completely impotent chemicals coursing through your body. While they pose no health risks, they will be kept illegal to retain an air of exclusivity. So the next time you see him, make sure to ask your dealer for some marijuan-eh and some meh-th. You'll be glad (indifferent) you did.

- Of course, nothing has done more damage to illegal drugs than legal drugs. To fight the scourge of prescription drugs that has taken a toll on the marketplace, dealers are experimenting in drugs designed to andy serve the same purpose as the most popular prescription drugs. This group includes ecstasy which battles the very herpes it was responsible for, coke that GIVES erections, heroin that acts as birth control, and PCP that regrows hair. Note: Don't cut off the top of your head because you think your new hair is a bunch of snakes.

- Drug mules are an important part of the business, but they have their problems. In addition to being unable to carry large amounts, they have also become increasingly easy to spot (after they ran across shaky, sweating Venezuelan girl No. 1000, customs started to figure it out). Because of this, all sorts of interesting things are happening in the world of muling. There are morbidly obese girls for loads of up to 100 packed condoms (coat with powdered sugar or Twinkie cream and they can get a few more down), drugs designed to look exactly like poop so they can be carried in the bowels without arousing suspicion, and affluent Caucasian mules who can carry anything, anywhere without customs batting an eye (they've earned a free pass thanks to hundreds of years of being lame).
andy
- Lastly, who could forget about pot (other than everyone who uses it)? Many fresh and exciting things are happening with marijuana. To combat the stereotypical image of the lazy stoner, there is now caffeinated pot, for extra energy and intense focus. While pot-based snacks (brownies, lollipops, etc.) have long been a part of the pot culture, where are the hearty, full-course pot meals? Wonder no longer. There are now pot-steaks smothered with pot-sauce, pottucine alfredo, pot casserole, and pot tilapia just to name a few. I was skeptical about them, but I must say, they are del.....Does anyone remember the Bionic 6? Oh man, I think I'm growing gills.

Comments (14) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Iman Azol 04/30/08 8:25 am

So, what you're saying is, kids shouldn't experiment with drugs, unless they get a government grant and do full scale research?

simon 04/30/08 4:17 pm

the guy who invented LSD died this week...aged 102...god bless him

greenfacedpunk 05/01/08 10:36 am

dude, don't forget about the pot-infused everclear!

Theoneandonly 05/01/08 7:38 pm

I would give just about anything for a well made weed steak...

Oompappy 05/01/08 10:07 pm

Don't forget pot Tacos, never had one? you have'nt lived

Erzebet Bathory 05/02/08 2:26 am

I've been addicted to meh-th for years.

just me i think 05/02/08 5:18 am

Damn it all...what happen to the good old days? Now my drugs have to be color coordinated and my dealer knows how picky I am about my food touching!

Slayer 05/02/08 10:10 pm

I need to get some of those Flintstones Chewable 'Shrooms. Might give me the kick I need to drown kittens for no apparent reason.

i can't think of anything 05/03/08 2:21 pm

Did someone different write this newsletter? The editor has done an awesome job of creating consistently funny and original content, until now.

I couldn't do any better if I wrote it, but thought I should comment anyway, just so you know I'm watching you. Don't let this happen again.

Kitchen Bitch 05/03/08 10:53 pm

You forgot pot tatoes, chicken pot pie, buds in a blanket, and Pot o'chili. And let's not forget Little Debbies Smack Cakes. Did you already mention Blow Pops?

Unaffected 05/08/08 3:52 pm

"To combat the stereotypical image of the lazy stoner, there is now caffeinated pot, for extra energy and intense focus."

It was about time. I'm definitely giving the good news for my husband. He'll be happy to know that he won't need to spend money with pot AND energy drinks from now on.
And I'd absolutely be interested in Blow pops!

Ron 05/15/08 12:53 pm

This is a comment

Ron 05/15/08 12:54 pm

This is a test comment

hmmmmm 05/22/08 8:09 pm

This is not a test

-----Original Message-----

From: Brandon
Sent: Monday, April 21, 2008

why would you put something as stupid as kill yourself all the cool kids are doing it i live in a community where there has been three suicides doing exactly what your product shoes i really disapprove of this and request it be removed im sure that you dont want that kind of weight on your shoulders
unless your just another low life company with corporate greed you need to remove that shirt i was really disappointed when i seen that i have been a fan of this site for a really long time i really hope you read this message and do the right thing what if one of your kids was one of the three in my community

Editor's Note: Sigh. No, that didn't cover it. I need to sigh again. Sigh. There, that feels right.

You are exactly the type of person we made that shirt for. And I'm not talking about as a form of cheap entertainment. It was created as instructions for people like you. Currently, when people speak of you it's usually something like "Oh God. Here comes Brandon, that fucking tool."

If you were to hang yourself, conversations regarding you would go like this. Person 1: "Did you hear about Brandon? He fucking hung himself!" Person 2: "Awesome!" See? With a simple kick of a chair you go from loser to local legend.

But I don't need to tell you the benefits of offing yourself. I'm sure you hear that all day every day. However, I would like to comment on your email. Lord (Ed Asner) knows I don't like commenting on grammar because it's cheap and easy, but seriously, not a single use of capitalization or punctuation? Allow me to show you everything you left out of your email, so you'll know to use them in the future: ? . ! , ' W I U - And let's not forget the phrase "I am the product of an escaped mental patient having sex with a compost heap."

Comments (28) - View Comments - Add A Comment

manther 04/29/08 5:02 pm

when did you guys start selling shoes?

Denise 04/29/08 6:33 pm

THANK YOU THANK YOU For having the balls to say what no one else will. Or no one else is smart enough to figure out.l

Wut 04/29/08 10:57 pm

You didn't close your quotation in the 3rd paragraph, you iliterate fuck.

Tim 04/30/08 12:05 am

lol @ wut. yes he did...

billbudd 04/30/08 12:22 am

These emails are fake.

Dana 04/30/08 2:22 am

Wow. It surprises me that a person that has subscribed to Tshirthell, is still that fucking nieve to think that a tshirt is inappropriate, that Tshirthell actually cares about or is capable of feeling any sort of 'weight on their shoulders' and that the shirt should be removed. I think it's a great shirt and I love the fact it helps point out how fuckin dumb people can be. i.e: those stupid enough to take their own lives and those like BRANDON. :D
These shirts have been made for entertainment mate, its got nothing to do with corporate fuckin greed. Fuck you're an idiot. It's really amusing. x0

Donald Trump 04/30/08 2:40 am

You know, I really need one of those shirts..I
know too many "scene kids" not to have one ---:)-

Iman Azol 04/30/08 8:29 am

Newflash, Brandon: companies without low-life corporate greed go bankrupt fast.

I guess when you get out in the cold, hard world and learn that you have to sacrifice your holier than thou morals to flip burgers for a multibillion outfit, sliding calorie-laden grease to worthless fatties for $7/hr to buy your Che shirts and Starbucks, you really will kill yourself.

Can I watch? I promise I won't jerk off until you stop kicking.

R. Budd Dwyer 04/30/08 1:22 pm

I think it would be great if Brandon emulated me...

Kumca Tcher 04/30/08 7:01 pm

Looks like Dana could use a couple of rounds in the local spelling bee practice herself.

Gregor 05/01/08 3:03 am

Where's the link to get the Tshirt hell shoes? Is there a tshoe hell site? hmmm... could be a marketing possibility.. Dont tell mikey mike.. he might want dog the bounty hunter shoes....

Violate ya later! Greg, South Australia

KaylaZombie 05/01/08 9:30 pm

O NOZ IT SHOES!

Cortney 05/02/08 12:06 am

H-E-L-L-O people??! He didn't mean "shoes"... LOL. He meant to say "shows!" (...doing exactly what your product SHOWS...) DUH! lmao! Did you not notice the fucktard can't write!?

alexis 05/02/08 2:28 am

wow... i am not even going to touch on that last one. i hate to point something else obvious out but.... heathers anyone??? movie? made in the 80's? if you havent seen it go right now and watch it... this shirt takes on new meaning

Guppy Gurl 05/02/08 2:57 am

BRANDON when you finally realize what a looser you are and slit your wrist please remember that it’s “Down the road” not “Across the street” I just can’t stand “Cry for attention” fake suicide attempts. Cheers

Arnesto 05/02/08 3:40 am

Hahhaaaahhhahahaaaa!! Wut spelt illiterate incorrectly!! Ohh, the fucking irony . . .

Oh, and Brandon: How in the FUCK are you able to use a computer you incomprehensibly moronic anal wart?

There, byee!

awwfuckit 05/02/08 5:02 am

Maybe allowing access to the inernet in Special Ed. classes was a bad idea...maybe you should fix this for Brandon starting there...and yeah like it says on the front of my bible, some of this content[emails] could be bullshit.

Jake Rupert 05/02/08 8:38 am

You recently posted this message, "I am the product of an escaped mental patient having sex with a compost heap." In response to the tool longing to hang himself from a bathroom stall at a local 7eleven. Please make that comment into a shirt. I know many people who would buy it.

Mikey Mike 05/02/08 12:23 pm

That was my son!!!!
*sob*

Slayer 05/02/08 10:24 pm

What's funny about Brandon's email is that he needed to point out there had been three suicides in his community. People kill themselves all the time, but I guess it's more important in Brandon's little shit corner of America.

Brandon, do me a favor and commit suicide. Please spare us the indignity of your sad, pathetic, shallow existence. Goddamn, what the fuck is happening in our schools today when a kid can't use proper grammar rules? Dumb fuck!

ms cabral 05/03/08 12:10 pm

I didn't know you sold shoes too, cool.

Sarah 05/04/08 12:23 pm

I don't care what anyone says, your products are awsome and funny. People need to learn not to take things so seriously/offensively. Just learn to laugh at it, get the stick out of your ass and enjoy the little bit of humor left in the world.

Bob the Builder 05/04/08 4:09 pm

Until now, I hadn't realized how morally fucked this site is...and now that I know, I feel a need to congratulate everyone who posted something morally reprehensible and/or something as grotesque as Iman Azol because...to tell you the truth, it is common courtesy to start jerking it once they actually HAVE stopped kicking. Oh, and on a less formal note, people who can't use proper grammar are morons...it's called spell check for a reason And, quoting Brad from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, "Learn it. Know it. Live it."

Bob the Builder 05/04/08 4:11 pm

At this point, I feel lame because, I forgot a period in my last comment. And, of course, it happened during a rant on grammar...oh well, shit happens

Unaffected 05/08/08 4:04 pm

"what your product shoes"

Man...it took me awhile to get that.
Somebody give this poor boy a girlfriend. (who may be good at grammar, if this is not asking too much.)

danknstein 05/15/08 1:08 pm

How bout a shirt that says "I'm Brandon and I want you to choke me to death with your huge cock."

stompsfrogs 05/21/08 3:13 pm

I wish I could call Poe's on some of these comments. (Especially: Wut, Cortney) Unfortunately, I only want to believe that.

Jake Malicious 05/30/08 8:07 pm

It always warms the cockles of my uncut manhood when the very first shirt I bought from here has pissed off another who should follow its advice. You wouldn't believe how many glares and stares I receive when I walk around Wal-Mart with this little number. Of course, no one has the balls to say anything to my face about it, but their disgust is noted, and my happiness is elevated by their response. I do hope I become a part of their empty lives during a family outing of buying fish eggs and rice (one of the few things most people do anymore other than either work, sleep, masturbate to internet porn, and watch TV while bitching about gas prices [jesus fuck people, if you didn't volunteer for that shit minimum wage job as the assistant manager of a snack bar and went to college you wouldn't have to worry about gas prices you fucking cheap shits! get a real job, and quit bitching about stupid shit!]), and become the center of an entire family's angered focus because of some shirt I wore that upset their delicate senses. Your outrage excites me. Now, be a good bunch of peons and fetch me that can of pickles from the top shelf just so you're actually doing something instead of wandering up and down the aisles daydreaming about insulting some kid you never met on liveurinal.

-----Original Submission-----

From: Justin M.
Sent: Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Wow,you must be running out of material,as an owner of at least 10 of your shirts,this months new ones suck!!! Maybe this is an Aprils joke,I thought the writers strike was over.

Editor's Note: I respect your opinion and I celebrate the fact that we live in a country where people can andy so easily voice their dissent or disapproval. Your criticism is duly noted. While I do not agree with what you have to say, I will fight to the death to defend your right to say it.

If you don't mind my asking, what is your complaint specifically? You failed to clearly define the mistakes made on our part. I understand that you disapprove of our business practices and/or products, but as your email is vague and unclear, I fail to understand how we can heed your advice. Please respond as soon as possible so that we may resolve this issue.

Oh...and one more thing. Go eat a dick, you taint-sniffing, foreskin-nibbling, cum-guzzler.

Comments (17) - View Comments - Add A Comment

omglol 04/29/08 7:19 pm

You guys should read that message and reply to it again.

Iman Azol 04/30/08 8:34 am

Sorry, I started reading the message, and realized it was another one of those, "This is how you really should run your business. I know you're a millionaire and I'm a little lesbian cunt trying to avoid selling my ass to perverts to make the rent, but if it were my business, this is what I'd do" letter. Then I stopped reading.

Yola King 04/30/08 9:55 am

Ha, got a taste of your own Jizz and it didn't taste so good did it. Fucking wankers can't even take it like a champ and admit your shit is getting lame. Now you just look like douches for ripping the guy.

Kitty 04/30/08 11:30 am

Wow, you idiots completely missed the point of that one. They busted on the author for not having ripped into the normal shit we see in hate mail. Fuckin' fags get it right.

Trakker 04/30/08 12:27 pm

I think the same, I have seen that since the whole "Got Poisoned" thing or some death threaths to the owner of this thing, the shirts lack the dark humor and creativity that once had, even the "Worse than hell" shirt department was closed.
I think they can do better.

Jenna Buah's Booze-Induced Vomit Drying On the Floor 04/30/08 1:29 pm

For one of those fucking psuedo-ontellectuals, Justin M made no goddamned sense.

Reminds me of this asshole named Ben Hicks I went to college with..another moronic fuckwit

Kumka Tcher 04/30/08 7:05 pm

This fucker couldn't punctuate worth a damn. But, he's right. The shirts aren't as good as they used to be. I used to not buy them because they were too offensive. Now I don't buy them because they're just not funny.

matty jack 05/01/08 11:46 am

The guy's right to be fair this months shirts weren't funny

Barklund 05/01/08 3:37 pm

Kumka Tcher is exactly right. I had the same concern about some of the earlier very cool tshirts - I simply daren't wear them as they might offend someone a tad too far. But now, I just don't buy any due to them being boring. Laugh all you want about it, but I'm clearly not alone on this matter.

Taint-sniffing, foreskin-nibbling, cum-guzzler 05/01/08 7:23 pm

Dear Mr. Editor, please dont place dumb fucks like Justin M. with the rest of us taint-sniffing, foreskin-nibbling, cum-guzzlers. I find it hurtful and it is clear that this Justin fuck, is a Halo playing Bro, that wishes he could get pussy. I am sure the only asshole Justin gets near is his own, when he places his head inside it.

Mark golomb 05/01/08 9:14 pm

Isn't that Barrak Obama's minister picturted? I thought so

Guru 05/01/08 11:02 pm

I usually agree with the author, and as funny as the last crack about taint sniffing, foreskin nibbling, and cum guzzling, I agree with him. He failed to clarify why, but I do think closing the worse than hell department was a big mistake. I loved those!!! You guys do need to dig deep and grab some real hard hitters. The political ones are a home run, otherwise theres alot of swings and misses

Steve 05/02/08 12:39 pm

Dude is right! Your new shirts have sucked! But what he's wrong about is JUST THIS MONTH your shirts have fucking sucked for over a year....they are not near as offensive....FUNNY, yeah kind of....but not as offensive as they used to be!!

Slayer 05/02/08 10:30 pm

Justin must take pleasure in fucking goats in his spare time. 10 shirts?!?! Wow! The only fucking joke here is Justin's lame ass email. Go fuck yourself, Justin, you cocksucking little bitch!

NotASniveler 05/03/08 1:27 am

Ya know, nobody said that everyone has to like every shirt. Every single one of them is offensive to some crybaby or other -- that's why we like them. It must be equally true that every single one is fuckin funny to someone. To me personally, maybe 10-15% of it is at least quite funny, which makes the whole site a worthy read. One example that comes to mind, the "...Fuck Idaho" shirt likely doesn't appeal to everyone, but it's one of my favorites. (Idaho is a fucking shit hole, good to know I'm not alone in this opinion.)

Anyways, there is some great original shit here. If it's author[s] don't happen to tickle your funny bone with something new every month, so the fuck what? Is that a reason to snivel? I don't fucking think so. I for one feel god damned privileged to know about this site (even though I do somewhat miss the 15 yr ols coke mule chickies turning up in So Cal, they were uniquely tractable -- but hey, this site is an equitable trade-off.)

And so for all the whining maggots that have this or that to say about this site, and mistakenly believe it's important in the least, why don't you pour yourselves a nice big cup of shut the fuck up?

missnihkii 05/07/08 10:22 pm

well brand-o. just kill yourself. really. now. like slayer( i believe) put it, your little shitfuck town doesn't mean anything. guess how many suicides we've had up here? ha. and by the way, i find this shirt extremely hilarious, and i've tried to kill myself twice. guess i just suck at life all the way around. but unlike some people, i didn't die for a reason, try it. hopefully you'll succeed. and don't most people have a spell check on their internet browser?

clave 05/12/08 5:50 am

and yet..i bet none of you have come up with a funnier, better idea for a shirt than the ones already printed. You think its not funny, get writing, get your 'great ideas for a dark and dirty shirt' out there.. otherwise stop whining.

-----Original Message-----

From: Scott
Sent: Wednesday, April 23, 2008

I normally would not comment about a new shirt, but the new 1 about parking spaces being like women ?? Come on, that is really lame- please do not start printing just to make a buck, keep some form of quality control. A simple 10 person test panel, "is this funny??"

Do some people actually "care" about a parking space ?? Maybe I need help understanding the humor, or the comparison ?? The beauty of it is your selection is great, I will skip any parking space shit though...

Editor's Note: What do you mean, "do not START printing just to make a buck"? You say that as if that notion wasn't the very foundation of this company. You think we give a fuck about providing humorous/offensive clothing to people with a similar sensibility? Don't make me laugh then repeatedly stab you in the face.

We sell these shirts because it's highly profitable. We'd be selling Hello Kitty bags and pumpkin seeds if it made us this kind of money. People seem to like our shirts, and that's great, but the second we start losing money I'll go right back to using 15-year-old Colombian girls to traffic coke.

Anyway, I like how your solution to prevent us from creating "lame" shirts is to have us hire a focus group. Yeah, that makes everything better. Fuck the results of a singular, creative/twisted mind, whether it comes from us or someone who submits an idea. You know what would make all of our shirts better? Allowing a bunch of housewives from Des Moines or a bunch of hipster teens who think Juno was brilliant to toss in their two cents.

Concerning the shirt itself, it's clear you didn't understand it. It's a brilliant joke. I know because eight of the ten people we asked gave it a rating of "Superior."

Comments (19) - View Comments - Add A Comment

Worthwhile opinion 04/30/08 2:44 am

I fucking hate Juno...annoying, manly-sounding little prego cunt

Iman Azol 04/30/08 8:36 am

That was one of your funnier shirts. The problem is obviously that it was too intellectual. May be try some more turds fucking for this moron.

Bunny 04/30/08 2:06 pm

Don't make me laugh then repeatedly stab you in the face.

Can I have that on a shirt? I think it expresses what I really need to say to people.

Pogo the dancing mule 04/30/08 3:42 pm

First of all, I CARE ABOUT PARKING SPOTS!! Anyone who lives in NYC will tell you that we live and die by the proximity of our spots to our destinations.

And I agree that "Don't make me laugh then repeatedly stab you in the face" would make an excellent shirt!

Macy 04/30/08 5:19 pm

Yeah I really liked that shirt too. Its not the shirts I find pathetic though....its the people who agree just so they wont be bashed.......I honestly like all of tshirt hells shirts....I dont think there is one I dont like.....but some people are ashamed that the web site would have such vulger comments...(which is funny as shit) but then agree to like it.....so odd how the human mind works.........

I kick babies 04/30/08 6:21 pm

Your company should keep the consumer in mind rather than the prophets...you should learn from Enron....:D

I kicked more babies 04/30/08 6:22 pm

Perhaps I shouldn't smoke before commenting...profits**

Breck 05/01/08 5:13 pm

YES! Make "Don't make me laugh then repeatedly stab you in the face" a shirt! I would buy it!

12 pack 05/01/08 11:17 pm

All I want to say is that when I read that shirt, I laughed for some time, then told all of my friends about it and chortled contentedly, then called my parents and told them. I will be purchasing this shirt because it is not only hilarious but also true. I don't really care about parking spots because they mean nothing to me--so yeah, the shirt is my new personal mantra, and whoever wrote it is my hero. Thanks, person who hates women!

awwfuckit 05/02/08 4:57 am

I turned off Juno 10 minutes in because I didn't want to seem like a hypocrite when i kill the first mother fucker who says "honest to blog" to me and means it. I swear I'll stab whom ever that son of a whore is, I SWEAR IT!!!

beau 05/02/08 5:39 am

hmm... i actually had to go back and read the shirt to see what exactly it said... and from my understanding (and what made it soo funny for me and my boyfriend) was the fact that "parking spots are like women.... they're whores and liars" doesnt have anything in common.. it doesnt make sense... and thats why its soo funny.. am i right?! I mean.. i love the site.. and yes, occassionally i come across stuff that either could be offensive, or isnt funny to me.. but that is the point.. and what do i do? i just pass it by and read the next one! I mean COME ON PEOPLE!! NO ONE is going to be happy with everything on this site.. but remember NO ONE held a gun to your head and said... "go to this site and read it and like it NOW!" I mean come on... we have the fucking choice! Isn't that the best part of this country? If ya don't like it that much, don't buy it and don't read it! I swear some people get their jollies off by going to sites they won't like and bitching about how they don't like it... find something you like and waste your life on that instead of complaining all the time!! UGH!

Just Me, I think 05/02/08 5:42 am

Damn son, do you not have any friends who can help translate for you. Oh I get it, you enjoy being publicly humiliated by total strangers. The safety word for today is parking for when you have had enough!

matt 05/02/08 9:54 am

i laughed so hard snot came out of my nose

Bitchassness 05/02/08 11:02 am

"Don't make me laugh then repeatedly stab you in the face."

I've got to be another one to say that you guys have got to put that fucking shit on a T-Shirt. It's ridiculous how often I feel this way : )

IYAOYAS 05/02/08 12:34 pm

"Scott"
I lost my best friend for your right to speak your mind, not for your right to sound like a fucking dumb shit! It's a FUCKING SHIRT!
-IYAOYAS

Slayer 05/02/08 10:39 pm

10 person test panel? That sounds like some shit that would come from a queer who's in group therapy session because they found out that their grandfather was raping the family dog.

Scott, are you a metrosexual? My guess would be yes since a mere t shirt would be so upsetting to you. I find your pathetic idea for a test panel insulting. As a matter of fact, I find Scott offensive and demand he be killed. Asshole!

Lusty 05/03/08 1:46 pm

a PENIS in every poem - that is fucking hilarious! I love it!!!!

Ron Howard 05/15/08 12:20 pm

This is a test

Ron Howard 05/15/08 12:51 pm

This is a test

does this remind you of your favorite pair of panties?

-----Original Submission-----

From: Susie H.
Sent: Sunday, April 27, 2008

Hey, just wanted to let you know that some of your shirts were awsome,however some of them,in my opinion were too extreme.I think some of the shirts endorse a vile frame of thought.I think they mentally molest children of innocence,degrade women,and promote self destruction.I believe that alot of these shirts send subliminal messages of molestation,rape,suicide and homicide.

For an example "Tight like a fifth grader". Tell that to the poor girl who grew up being molested by a family member."I enjoy a good spanking" that also places a seed in people's minds that touching an innocent child in that way is OKAY.You're are helping mold an innocent child's mind into something disgusting and twisted.Do you think people feel good about themselves thinking that way?NO!That hate themselves.

Or the other shirt " Swallow or it's going in your eye" That's forceful sexual behavior "Rape"."Slavery gets the job done"....pride.Do you think you're better that people?Do you think it's okay to molest children?and Rape women?Like to admitt it or not that's what these shirts promote.That's the cold,hard truth.Your concious is responsible personally for all of the above because by making these subliminal messages available to the public you're agreeing with them,you're saying it's OKAY.And it's not.

I hope you will wake up and realize how much this HURTS and NUMBS people and I hope that you will want to change because of it.My husband and I will never purchase from this website even though we thought some of the shirts were funny the others were downright disgusting and I don't want to subject anyone to that and I also don't want that on my concious.

Editor's Note: Wow, this thing is just peppered with tardosity. Actually, "peppered" suggests that it has been lightly sprinkled on. This thing is fucking slathered in retard. As I said earlier, I don't like picking on mistakes in grammar, but I must say, the mistake within a mistake of using "concious" instead of "conscience" is fucking epic.

It was certainly not our intention to send any subliminal messages endorsing molestation, rape, suicide or homicide. It was our intention to make those endorsements well-known and completely obvious. And sorry to disappoint, but I already show our shirts to girls who grew up being molested by family members every chance I get. Which is often, since I live with about twelve of them.

Personally, I feel proud that I contribute to molding children's minds into something disgusting and twisted. If a child is raised and sheltered from the ugly side of life, they turn into...well, you. They weren't desensitized to it at an early age so when they grow up they have no sense of humor about it and spend the rest of their lives weeping for humanity and writing pointless emails instead of laughing and enjoying this roller-coaster ride to nowhere known as life.

I have no problem with that "cold, hard truth." In fact, I prefer most things cold and hard. The ladies know what I'm talking about. You don't? Well, I'm talking about cocks, cash and popsicles.

One last thing before I go; I just wanted you and your imaginary husband to know we haven't changed as a result of your email. Watching an entire congregation blow their brains out after viewing our shirts wouldn't do it; let alone your feeble attempt to describe this fictional blow we've dealt society. Now go pleasure your "husband." He's had a long day of being a lumberjack and an astronaut. Are a BJ and some meatloaf too much to ask for, bitch?

Comments (60) - View Comments - Add A Comment

manther 04/29/08 5:09 pm

why does this bitch feel the needs to speak up for "the children"? no one spoke up for me when i was being molested and i turned out fine. subliminal messages??? puhhleeeze...get some mental boundaries lady. i am sure once you do, the aliens can remove that microchip from your head.

ScM 04/29/08 6:17 pm

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it's not subliminal if its staight forward is it?

mo666 04/29/08 6:35 pm

i didn't even read what she said, I just wanna know who that chick is sucking on the popsicle.

Denise 04/29/08 6:41 pm

This one was a great laugh. Thanks! I find it entertaining when people are so worried about their children being exposed to preversion. Guess what?! If they understand it, the kid is already perverse!

Leishalynn 04/29/08 7:11 pm

Who would assume that spanking is just for kids? Also, there's that great old Zen saying: "All kids come from fucking and to fucking they must return." Get an early start, I say.

Maci 04/29/08 7:57 pm

Holy hell, woman. Get a fucken life. Who has time to sit around and start a debate about some damn t-shirts? Like it's really that big of a deal. My God, they're just jokes! I hate how people will take the media and everything else in the world and blame it for courrupting the children when their kids turn out fucking crazy and have to start taking Xanax cause they just shot up their fucking school or something. Hell, if I'd wasted that much of my time, it would really lay heavy on my 'concious' too.

Capt. Ginzo 04/29/08 9:13 pm

Hmmm, how is "Swallow or it's going in your eye" subliminal?
Dr. Laura's show is great because she tells 80% of the broads who call they're stupid as hell.
I don't know where that came from, but it had to be said.

Mack 04/29/08 9:49 pm

What is this stupid bitch doing out of the kitchen?

Bad Habit 04/29/08 10:27 pm

"Tardosity", I want that on a shirt!

Cake 04/29/08 11:03 pm

I molest children, and I feel great about myself.

Tim 04/30/08 12:17 am

Is that Amanda Bynes?!!!

xopher 04/30/08 1:33 am

Fuck the stupid shirts; give us more Popsicle girl!

Mndjoy 04/30/08 1:50 am

I remember an old newsletter that was sent that said something like "Where you don't draw the line with humor says more about you than where you do. Either everything is funny, or nothing is." I try to live by that now. People need to grow up and realize that NO ONE HAS A RIGHT TO NOT BE OFFENDED. And these shirts are fucking funny.

KY for Kids 04/30/08 2:50 am

I wish this letter was a fake. I really, really do.

Eric 04/30/08 3:23 am

Getting better, lots of explicit advocacy of rape and murder in this newsletter. Bring on the "im going to fuck 'n' kill u" shirts!

Lance 04/30/08 4:07 am

Subliminal means to only register with your unconciense, these shirts are kinda right out there and to blame a persons actions on a shirt is just retarded.
people are a hard wired with a sense of right and wrong which is guided a reinforced by their elders, shirts dont molest people, people molest people.

Wake up and guide your kids, dont shelter them.

oh and free tibet or what ever/

Irish 04/30/08 4:14 am

That Stupid Twat! Who the fuck does she think that she is? I was raised by a family that believes in FREE SPEECH. Maybe she was molested, raped and wanted to commit murder/suicide. If that is the case then find a support group to whine about your problems. There are sober kids in Idaho for Christ sake.

SupaBiatch 04/30/08 5:04 am

HAHA...still laughing. Fucking hilarious!

Emx 04/30/08 8:37 am

My uncle had a try at me, and I still find the shirts funny. If I wasn't stuck with huge custom charges each time I buy from here, I'd own that shirt!

Iman Azol 04/30/08 8:40 am

I really HATE letters like that.

I can't afford to buy EVERY shirt that pisses off a bleeding hear liberal moron, and I just got "I'd Rather Be Waterboarding" to go with "Asshole, the other pussy."

Guess I better break out the plastic again.

How about one that says, "Stop being a sensitive cunt so I can stop buying shirts just to piss you off"?

tori 04/30/08 9:26 am

does that woman think we are retarded kids? why does she feel the need to explain each joke on each t-shirt? is she german? i think she is the only one retarded enough to think they are subliminal messages

Kitty 04/30/08 11:37 am

I thought subliminal messages had to be,well, subliminal? So pull out the dictionary or go take a psych class and learn what subliminal messages are while you drink your Coke and eat your Dorito's while shopping on Old Navy at your Dell computer...Oh look perfect product placement...

Bill Clinton's Penis 04/30/08 1:35 pm

What? This douchebag has a husband? I'll bet her "husband" wears a "strap-on"

I went to school with man-hating fatigue-wearing dykes like her. The types that saw a PENIS in every poem and story we ever read in a class.

Bet she went around taking guys names from the student directory and said they were potential rapists, too...

Stupid politically-correct CUNT....

Karl 04/30/08 2:15 pm

Seriously, who's that chick with the popsicle?

Bugsike 04/30/08 2:22 pm

I'm going to be a popsicle when I grow up.

Some guy 04/30/08 2:33 pm

It's women like her that makes me glad that we're all going to die....hopefully in a large explosion of some sort.

Etherean 04/30/08 3:30 pm

Who told her she could leave the kitchen and get on the internet? Although I'm a woman and on the internet, I've been a good little bitch and my wonderful boyfriend has been kind enough to let me out of my cage so I can read the t-shirt hell thing. I only have a few more minutes so I'll leave it at this, don't be so stuck up. Have you seen the school systems recently?I've heard elementary school kids with foul mouths that would make a sailor blush.

Bruticus 04/30/08 5:35 pm

@Etherean: It's good to know that some slavegirls are well behaved.

Laz 04/30/08 10:04 pm

Actually, I think popsicle girl is Keely Hazell (I think)

Log 04/30/08 11:41 pm

I mean we can debate the moral arguments for and against slavery all we want, but the evidence speaks for itself. Great Wall of China...slave labor. Pyramids...slave labor. Roman Empire...slave labor. The ability of the U.S. to develop as quickly as it did...slave labor. Pretty much every battle prior to the 16th century (roughly)...slave labor. The fact is, slavery gets shit done. You may not like it and it may or may not be immoral (usually depends on your perspective) but it does get "shit done". Find me an example of slavery failing to get "shit done" and I'll become your slave and prove that it really does get "shit done". Well, I'm going to go blind some poor bitch because she couldn't take a few more calories.

Chief 05/01/08 12:02 am

I usually laugh out loud at everything you write. But this last "End of April" sucked big time.

Stevo 05/01/08 4:45 am

Why not make subliminal t-shirts, I have one for the bitch:

K eep niggers as slaves
I 'll buy one
L ynch a nigger today
L ock up your gimp
A ss fuck him first
K ill Hillary
I nseminate minors
D ie cunt bitch

Keep it real>

JarJar 05/01/08 5:45 am

What is it with people speaking up for shit they haven't got a clue about? I was abused as a kid, and guess what? I still find those shirts funny, cause it's says to me "fuck you- You haven't screwed the rest of my life up." How about you let the ones who have actually been affected by this shit decide what's offensive.

Dale Mulligan 05/01/08 6:37 pm

Hey Guys, When are you gonna start doing some doing some really offensive T shirts LOL ....and when are you gonna tell me you love the ideas I sent ya and that the cheques in the mail? I don't think your shirts are at all offensive to women - we get lots of American girls here in Oz backpacking around the country and they give head THEN ask where you're going! God bless American women, they're so loose they're ONE SIZE FITS ALL. We also have some used politicians over here (you'd say DOWN HERE) from our last elections, so it ya want to give Osama, whoops, I mean Obamama and the suckers wife the flick, just let me know.

Keep up the shitty work and hurry up and tell me I won your competition - then I'll buy one of your shirts.

Seeya

Dale

Erevis Cale 05/01/08 7:19 pm

I hope every one who goes to this site is offended by somthing here. it would make my day. i love reading these letters. it brings tears of joy to my boring nights at work. i dont care what you guys say the editor is a funny cunt.

***Nick "SHOOTS" Blank***

ford 05/01/08 8:49 pm

Hey susie! your email was very funny. and i think you missedaspace ( space ), maybe even a few times. subliminal messenging? you people still believe in that shit? if thats true, ill see you right about 9:00 at my door with a warm hotdish, and you in nothing but a thong. ITS A JOKE OR PHRASE ON A T-SHIRT, GET OVER IT!

Emily 05/01/08 9:59 pm

"I think they mentally molest children of innocence,degrade women,and promote self destruction." Nope, high school does that.

Amber 05/02/08 11:32 am

I absolutely love reading these comments and your responses. Thank you tshirthell.com!

White Nigger Bean 05/02/08 12:50 pm

What's wrong with "slavery gets shit done"?

Slavery is capitalism at it's finest, fuck the wetbacks getting minimum wage to pick strawberries! They only need half that to survive!
If they want to live in America let them sell each other to the highest bidder just like the Africans did. Not only will they be glad to be out of Mexico but the price of produce will go back down!
Hell, then the niggas can own a few and maybe stop bitching about the whole slavery bullshit... It was black folk selling black folk, whitey was just trying to make a buck in the "new" world!!!

Sean 05/02/08 12:56 pm

You guys are awesome!!! Why anybody like that retarded bitch who says you endorse molesting children would even look at this site is beyond me. Keep up the good work, and keep telling retards where to shove it!

Fresh 05/02/08 5:10 pm

What's with all the bullshit about baby shirts? If your three year old can read what that shirt says, he's a fucking GENIUS and he'll certainly understand it's a joke. I love how the Constitution only applies to shit you pathetic assholes aren't offended by. Some kid killed himself, don't blame a t-shirt, blame the asshole that made that kid hate life. Oh, it was probably you're spoiled little hypocrite kid throwing shit at him on the bus. Keep making funny shirts, I'll keep making fun of these assholes.

McFeely 05/02/08 5:35 pm

First and foremost, I would like to congratulate you on the literary ass-pounding you bestow upon all those who oppose you. I think your shirts are FUCKIN' (oh, by the way, emphasis on fuckin')hilarious! However, I must inform you that your t-shirts are corrupting America's youth. It's not the fact that 10 year old Susie's alcoholic father beats her fat-ass unemployed mother for burning the pizza crust, neglecting Susie of attention and forcing her to give hand jobs to boys in the school bathrooms to feel loved...and a little sticky. Nay, it is the t-shirts. Oh, and the drug cartels battling with Tijuana police? You guessed it, your shirts! Your pro-drug propaganda displayed on your shirts has caused an all out war. Thank you for being the pimple on the asshole of America! Don't stop reaching for that rainbow, sunshine!
Your brother in Christ,
Mr. McFeely

Slayer 05/02/08 10:54 pm

Apparently, Susie H. is a sheltered, narrow minded cunt who lacks a sense of humor. She must live in the Bible Belt of this country. You know, those fucks who spout only the shit from Revelations in the Bible because they're scared of going to hell? Damn it! When will the moral majority in the fucking country just give up their lost cause? It's stupid fucking whores like Susie H. who make it difficult to enjoy the liberty that the First Amendment allows us.

In closing I would like to state that I wholeheartedly endorse the rape and molestation of Susie H. for her blatant and calculated butchering of the English language. Fuck you, Susie H.!!!

Jerk 05/03/08 10:30 pm

lol, why people complain about the shirts? they only tell the truth,thats why is so funny, like the "Slavery gets shit done" its the truth,can you imagine our world without it? and fuckin a whore isnt rape ,you need to pay for it xD , and prostitution is a clean job, they arent stealing or killing =D

duncan 05/04/08 2:10 pm

iam with mo666 I want to see more of popsicle girl. Is she over 18 yet or do i just flip her over and play in the mud.

El blanco diablo 05/04/08 9:50 pm

Hell all the kids today are peverse and sick anyways, and i'm one of them..lol. I've know about all this shit since i was like five, i even lost my virginity when i was 7, take that you dumb bitch, and by the way, learn to spell you stupid cunt. P.S. I love to wear your shirts to school to help corrupt the other kids and piss of the teachers haha..........fuck highschool.

jess 05/05/08 5:01 am

I am sooooooo tired of people coming on here and, obviously knowing that this isn't where "everyone" shops, and being offended. If you come to a site called tshirthell, chances are, the tshirts aren't going to be hanes beefy t's with smiley faces on them. My first time on here was to find the Hitler shirt. I knew what I was getting in to. This isn't a site you just stumble onto. And if you don't think it's funny-just don't come back. Don't beat down those of us, with senses of humor, with you're close-mindedness. Nobody cares, so piss off.

atthefeetofthedragon 05/05/08 4:31 pm

"Swallow or it's going in your eye" isn't rape, its HAWT!!!! Tell me, baby, where you're going to put it!! Sad little sex life you must have there

jewels 05/07/08 11:59 pm

I agree with Iman Azol in putting out a shirt with "Stop being a sensitive cunt so I can stop buying shirts just to piss you off?". That shit's great. Also, learn your grammar and spelling people.

Kiddy Vaj Lover 05/08/08 4:21 pm

I'd like to send a few offensive things her way.
Like a strongly worded letter....

....or my cock.

Unaffected 05/08/08 4:40 pm

This woman is definitely a closed minded freak who doesn't know how to interpret sentences and how to have a good sexual life.
When you guys are sending a shirt with the saying: "Molestation, Rape, Suicide and Homicide." for her? I think she would dig it.

Ron Howard 05/15/08 12:01 pm

This is a comment

Ron Howard 05/15/08 12:10 pm

That's coo

Stan 05/15/08 4:28 pm

That popsicle is making me hungry

Steve 05/16/08 1:17 pm

I want some of what she's eating

pickle 05/16/08 3:59 pm

that's obscene. Take that down.

Steve 05/16/08 4:22 pm

Take it down? How lame are you?

howeird 05/18/08 8:47 pm

thank you so much for the entertainment of shopping,never liked the fuckin mall anyway..
Thanks for the heads up on flavor coke,I have always had a sweet tooth,or two,or three,is there any other country like this ??? Thanks for the time you people spend on this site,are you hiring old hippies ? howeird

Jake Malicious 05/30/08 8:28 pm

"Swallow or it's going in your eye" That's forceful sexual behavior "Rape"."

No it isn't. It's the kind of "gray rape" that is used to make men 3rd class citizens in this country. When a chick presents her asshole and the guy accidentally sticks it in her pussy, that isn't rape. Maybe I should rape you so you know what the fuck rape is? Fucking college-brainwashed cunt. Yet another who needs to follow the advice of my first T-Shirt Hell shirt.

MeanDonnaJean 06/03/08 8:48 pm

For all of you whiney ass lil' bitches out there who gotta come here just to bitch 'n moan cuz ya got some kinda "personal issues" with some of the tees ya see here, getta friggin' grip....or go getta damn life somewhere else besides the WWW. Better yet, why dontcha go grab yerself a nice big blunt, take a nice big toke (or two or three or four or more), and THEN stop back on by again 'n give it another shot. Maybe, just maybe, you'll getta lil' giggle (or two or three or four or more) outta at least one (or two or three or four or more) of these uniquely exquisite tees. And if ya don't, we don't really give a shit about ya anyway. So like the ol' sayin' goes....click it, or die!

[Happy Ending - Wipe Off Your Keyboard]

Honesty is the best policy. You fat cunt.

Peace