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newsfromhell

It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing


HULK RUN FAST. HULK SMASH!


The Pennsylvania primaries are finally over and Hillary Clinton defeated Barack Obama in a tightly contested battle. And you know what that means...but you don't care so let's skip it.

With the economy in serious trouble, President Bush announced that rebate checks would be sent earlier than expected. He also announced that "RoboCop was awesome" and "If it never went 'Moo,' I ain't eatin' it." So expect your check some time in the next couple of weeks. Just in time to pay for your post-spring break abortions.

Speaking of financial crises, gas prices continue to climb and experts are saying they will continue their climb through summer. And they laughed when I proposed my moped fueled by hobo-blood. Well who's laughing now, Judge Welling?

And as if the situation weren't bleak enough, the cost of flying has gone way up, even as customer service is way down. When reached for comment, the President of United said "Yeah, we're raising prices. And we'll continue to raise prices. What're you gonna do, ride a bus? Good luck not getting robbed and sodomized by a drifter when you change buses in Dubuque."

Due to complaints by an increasing number of patients, the FDA is taking a closer look at laser eye surgery. Complaints fell into one of two categories. Either A) everyone the patient sees looks like Charles Grodin, or B) patients can see the future, but only when it involves fat people fucking.

Miley Cyrus has said she's embarrassed by the recent provocative photographs taken for Vanity Fair.  Come on.  We've watched your show, heard your music, and your dad is Billy Ray Cyrus?  But artfully done semi nudes taken by Annie Leibovitz  you find embarrassing?  This does not bode well for her inevitable future in shizer porn.

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Did you hear that? It sounded like muffled screaming, a chainsaw and some random splattering. I think it's coming from that shed over there. You better take a look. Just step softly and approach the door. Now turn the knob slowly and cautiously open it...IT'S NEW SHIRT TIME!

Yeah, I know that was gay. Anyway, our newest shirts have arrived just in time for whatever happens in May. This group includes a great drinking shirt, a shirt for the romantic in you (that wants to be in her), the perfect shirt to draw in the ladies (and, no, it's not about money or the opportunity to crush a man's spirit) and a shirt for sports fans/hymen-busters everywhere.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt_042808_news.htm


And check out TorsoPants.com's new TorsoPants as well:

http://www.torsopants.com/miscpages/ntpn/newtp042308.htm

(warning - if you're not a fan of dry humor, do not go to TorsoPants)


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andyThe DEA is warning of a new trend in the world of drugs: candy-flavored cocaine. The cocaine, which comes in strawberry, coconut, lemon-lime and cinnamon, has gained popularity in California and federal drug agents are hoping to prevent it from spreading to the rest of the country.

I'd have to give the edge to coconut, but the strawberry does have a certain charm. You know...that certain charm where I feel like I can punch God in the face. But I'll give my full and detailed reviews of all these flavors at some other time. Right now I'd simply like to take this opportunity to raise awareness of all the other new advancements in drugs and drug trafficking.

Of course, coming up with fresh and exciting ways to push product is nothing new to the drug trade. Drug lords can be incredibly clever when they aren't busy killing the whores they thought were giant melting crocodiles, due to hallucinations brought on by "bad shit." So, to bring you the most current and up to date tricks of the drug trade, I talked to my good friend (who is known to me only as "El Blanco Felicidad") about the latest developments. Here is the straight "dope" (ha ha - MY SOUL IS ON FIRE!).

- Since most users get shot, OD, or (if they’re losers) get clean after a few years; getting children hooked on product has always been an important part of maintaining your customer base in the drug business. That is why pushers the world over are creating kid-friendly products such as: Flintstones Chewable 'Shrooms, Hannah Montana's Youthies (roofies for the tweener set), and My First Meth straight from andyBob the Builder's Meth Lab.

- Drug-sniffing dogs have long been the bane of the drug trade. To combat this, dealers have resorted to altering their product to give off odors which naturally repel dogs. So as long as you don't mind coke that tastes like skunk ass or the musk of the undead, there should be no problem with your shipment.

- Drugs typically fall into two categories: stimulants and depressants. But lately, to open up an entirely new market, dealers have been experimenting with drugs that provide absolutely no sensation. No high and no low, just completely impotent chemicals coursing through your body. While they pose no health risks, they will be kept illegal to retain an air of exclusivity. So the next time you see him, make sure to ask your dealer for some marijuan-eh and some meh-th. You'll be glad (indifferent) you did.

- Of course, nothing has done more damage to illegal drugs than legal drugs. To fight the scourge of prescription drugs that has taken a toll on the marketplace, dealers are experimenting in drugs designed to andyserve the same purpose as the most popular prescription drugs. This group includes ecstasy which battles the very herpes it was responsible for, coke that GIVES erections, heroin that acts as birth control, and PCP that regrows hair. Note: Don't cut off the top of your head because you think your new hair is a bunch of snakes.

- Drug mules are an important part of the business, but they have their problems. In addition to being unable to carry large amounts, they have also become increasingly easy to spot (after they ran across shaky, sweating Venezuelan girl No. 1000, customs started to figure it out). Because of this, all sorts of interesting things are happening in the world of muling. There are morbidly obese girls for loads of up to 100 packed condoms (coat with powdered sugar or Twinkie cream and they can get a few more down), drugs designed to look exactly like poop so they can be carried in the bowels without arousing suspicion, and affluent Caucasian mules who can carry anything, anywhere without customs batting an eye (they've earned a free pass thanks to hundreds of years of being lame).
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- Lastly, who could forget about pot (other than everyone who uses it)? Many fresh and exciting things are happening with marijuana. To combat the stereotypical image of the lazy stoner, there is now caffeinated pot, for extra energy and intense focus. While pot-based snacks (brownies, lollipops, etc.) have long been a part of the pot culture, where are the hearty, full-course pot meals? Wonder no longer. There are now pot-steaks smothered with pot-sauce, pottucine alfredo, pot casserole, and pot tilapia just to name a few. I was skeptical about them, but I must say, they are del.....Does anyone remember the Bionic 6? Oh man, I think I'm growing gills.


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