The Pennsylvania primaries are finally over and Hillary Clinton defeated Barack Obama in a tightly contested battle. And you know what that means...but you don't care so let's skip it.
With the economy in serious trouble, President Bush announced that rebate checks would be sent earlier than expected. He also announced that "RoboCop was awesome" and "If it never went 'Moo,' I ain't eatin' it." So expect your check some time in the next couple of weeks. Just in time to pay for your post-spring break abortions.
Speaking of financial crises, gas prices continue to climb and experts are saying they will continue their climb through summer. And they laughed when I proposed my moped fueled by hobo-blood. Well who's laughing now, Judge Welling?
And as if the situation weren't bleak enough, the cost of flying has gone way up, even as customer service is way down. When reached for comment, the President of United said "Yeah, we're raising prices. And we'll continue to raise prices. What're you gonna do, ride a bus? Good luck not getting robbed and sodomized by a drifter when you change buses in Dubuque."
Due to complaints by an increasing number of patients, the FDA is taking a closer look at laser eye surgery. Complaints fell into one of two categories. Either A) everyone the patient sees looks like Charles Grodin, or B) patients can see the future, but only when it involves fat people fucking.
Miley Cyrus has said she's embarrassed by the recent provocative photographs taken for Vanity Fair. Come on. We've watched your show, heard your music, and your dad is Billy Ray Cyrus? But artfully done semi nudes taken by Annie Leibovitz you find embarrassing? This does not bode well for her inevitable future in shizer porn.
Did you hear that? It sounded like muffled screaming, a chainsaw and some random splattering. I think it's coming from that shed over there. You better take a look. Just step softly and approach the door. Now turn the knob slowly and cautiously open it...IT'S NEW SHIRT TIME!
Yeah, I know that was gay. Anyway, our newest shirts have arrived just in time for whatever happens in May. This group includes a great drinking shirt, a shirt for the romantic in you (that wants to be in her), the perfect shirt to draw in the ladies (and, no, it's not about money or the opportunity to crush a man's spirit) and a shirt for sports fans/hymen-busters everywhere.
All of our new shirts are here:
And check out TorsoPants.com's new TorsoPants as well:
(warning - if you're not a fan of dry humor, do not go to TorsoPants)
The DEA is warning of a new trend in the world of drugs: candy-flavored cocaine. The cocaine, which comes in strawberry, coconut, lemon-lime and cinnamon, has gained popularity in California and federal drug agents are hoping to prevent it from spreading to the rest of the country.
I'd have to give the edge to coconut, but the strawberry does have a certain charm. You know...that certain charm where I feel like I can punch God in the face. But I'll give my full and detailed reviews of all these flavors at some other time. Right now I'd simply like to take this opportunity to raise awareness of all the other new advancements in drugs and drug trafficking.
Of course, coming up with fresh and exciting ways to push product is nothing new to the drug trade. Drug lords can be incredibly clever when they aren't busy killing the whores they thought were giant melting crocodiles, due to hallucinations brought on by "bad shit." So, to bring you the most current and up to date tricks of the drug trade, I talked to my good friend (who is known to me only as "El Blanco Felicidad") about the latest developments. Here is the straight "dope" (ha ha - MY SOUL IS ON FIRE!).
- Since most users get shot, OD, or (if they’re losers) get clean after a few years; getting children hooked on product has always been an important part of maintaining your customer base in the drug business. That is why pushers the world over are creating kid-friendly products such as: Flintstones Chewable 'Shrooms, Hannah Montana's Youthies (roofies for the tweener set), and My First Meth straight from Bob the Builder's Meth Lab.
- Drug-sniffing dogs have long been the bane of the drug trade. To combat this, dealers have resorted to altering their product to give off odors which naturally repel dogs. So as long as you don't mind coke that tastes like skunk ass or the musk of the undead, there should be no problem with your shipment.
- Drugs typically fall into two categories: stimulants and depressants. But lately, to open up an entirely new market, dealers have been experimenting with drugs that provide absolutely no sensation. No high and no low, just completely impotent chemicals coursing through your body. While they pose no health risks, they will be kept illegal to retain an air of exclusivity. So the next time you see him, make sure to ask your dealer for some marijuan-eh and some meh-th. You'll be glad (indifferent) you did.
- Of course, nothing has done more damage to illegal drugs than legal drugs. To fight the scourge of prescription drugs that has taken a toll on the marketplace, dealers are experimenting in drugs designed to serve the same purpose as the most popular prescription drugs. This group includes ecstasy which battles the very herpes it was responsible for, coke that GIVES erections, heroin that acts as birth control, and PCP that regrows hair. Note: Don't cut off the top of your head because you think your new hair is a bunch of snakes.
- Drug mules are an important part of the business, but they have their problems. In addition to being unable to carry large amounts, they have also become increasingly easy to spot (after they ran across shaky, sweating Venezuelan girl No. 1000, customs started to figure it out). Because of this, all sorts of interesting things are happening in the world of muling. There are morbidly obese girls for loads of up to 100 packed condoms (coat with powdered sugar or Twinkie cream and they can get a few more down), drugs designed to look exactly like poop so they can be carried in the bowels without arousing suspicion, and affluent Caucasian mules who can carry anything, anywhere without customs batting an eye (they've earned a free pass thanks to hundreds of years of being lame).
- Lastly, who could forget about pot (other than everyone who uses it)? Many fresh and exciting things are happening with marijuana. To combat the stereotypical image of the lazy stoner, there is now caffeinated pot, for extra energy and intense focus. While pot-based snacks (brownies, lollipops, etc.) have long been a part of the pot culture, where are the hearty, full-course pot meals? Wonder no longer. There are now pot-steaks smothered with pot-sauce, pottucine alfredo, pot casserole, and pot tilapia just to name a few. I was skeptical about them, but I must say, they are del.....Does anyone remember the Bionic 6? Oh man, I think I'm growing gills.
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Sent: Monday, April 21, 2008
why would you put something as stupid as kill yourself all the cool kids are doing it i live in a community where there has been three suicides doing exactly what your product shoes i really disapprove of this and request it be removed im sure that you dont want that kind of weight on your shoulders
unless your just another low life company with corporate greed you need to remove that shirt i was really disappointed when i seen that i have been a fan of this site for a really long time i really hope you read this message and do the right thing what if one of your kids was one of the three in my community
Editor's Note: Sigh. No, that didn't cover it. I need to sigh again. Sigh. There, that feels right.
You are exactly the type of person we made that shirt for. And I'm not talking about as a form of cheap entertainment. It was created as instructions for people like you. Currently, when people speak of you it's usually something like "Oh God. Here comes Brandon, that fucking tool."
If you were to hang yourself, conversations regarding you would go like this. Person 1: "Did you hear about Brandon? He fucking hung himself!" Person 2: "Awesome!" See? With a simple kick of a chair you go from loser to local legend.
But I don't need to tell you the benefits of offing yourself. I'm sure you hear that all day every day. However, I would like to comment on your email. Lord (Ed Asner) knows I don't like commenting on grammar because it's cheap and easy, but seriously, not a single use of capitalization or punctuation? Allow me to show you everything you left out of your email, so you'll know to use them in the future: ? . ! , ' W I U - And let's not forget the phrase "I am the product of an escaped mental patient having sex with a compost heap."
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From: Justin M.
Sent: Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Wow,you must be running out of material,as an owner of at least 10 of your shirts,this months new ones suck!!! Maybe this is an Aprils joke,I thought the writers strike was over.
Editor's Note: I respect your opinion and I celebrate the fact that we live in a country where people can so easily voice their dissent or disapproval. Your criticism is duly noted. While I do not agree with what you have to say, I will fight to the death to defend your right to say it.
If you don't mind my asking, what is your complaint specifically? You failed to clearly define the mistakes made on our part. I understand that you disapprove of our business practices and/or products, but as your email is vague and unclear, I fail to understand how we can heed your advice. Please respond as soon as possible so that we may resolve this issue.
Oh...and one more thing. Go eat a dick, you taint-sniffing, foreskin-nibbling, cum-guzzler.
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Sent: Wednesday, April 23, 2008
I normally would not comment about a new shirt, but the new 1 about parking spaces being like women ?? Come on, that is really lame- please do not start printing just to make a buck, keep some form of quality control. A simple 10 person test panel, "is this funny??"
Do some people actually "care" about a parking space ?? Maybe I need help understanding the humor, or the comparison ?? The beauty of it is your selection is great, I will skip any parking space shit though...
Editor's Note: What do you mean, "do not START printing just to make a buck"? You say that as if that notion wasn't the very foundation of this company. You think we give a fuck about providing humorous/offensive clothing to people with a similar sensibility? Don't make me laugh then repeatedly stab you in the face.
We sell these shirts because it's highly profitable. We'd be selling Hello Kitty bags and pumpkin seeds if it made us this kind of money. People seem to like our shirts, and that's great, but the second we start losing money I'll go right back to using 15-year-old Colombian girls to traffic coke.
Anyway, I like how your solution to prevent us from creating "lame" shirts is to have us hire a focus group. Yeah, that makes everything better. Fuck the results of a singular, creative/twisted mind, whether it comes from us or someone who submits an idea. You know what would make all of our shirts better? Allowing a bunch of housewives from Des Moines or a bunch of hipster teens who think Juno was brilliant to toss in their two cents.
Concerning the shirt itself, it's clear you didn't understand it. It's a brilliant joke. I know because eight of the ten people we asked gave it a rating of "Superior."
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From: Susie H.
Sent: Sunday, April 27, 2008
Hey, just wanted to let you know that some of your shirts were awsome,however some of them,in my opinion were too extreme.I think some of the shirts endorse a vile frame of thought.I think they mentally molest children of innocence,degrade women,and promote self destruction.I believe that alot of these shirts send subliminal messages of molestation,rape,suicide and homicide.
For an example "Tight like a fifth grader". Tell that to the poor girl who grew up being molested by a family member."I enjoy a good spanking" that also places a seed in people's minds that touching an innocent child in that way is OKAY.You're are helping mold an innocent child's mind into something disgusting and twisted.Do you think people feel good about themselves thinking that way?NO!That hate themselves.
Or the other shirt " Swallow or it's going in your eye" That's forceful sexual behavior "Rape"."Slavery gets the job done"....pride.Do you think you're better that people?Do you think it's okay to molest children?and Rape women?Like to admitt it or not that's what these shirts promote.That's the cold,hard truth.Your concious is responsible personally for all of the above because by making these subliminal messages available to the public you're agreeing with them,you're saying it's OKAY.And it's not.
I hope you will wake up and realize how much this HURTS and NUMBS people and I hope that you will want to change because of it.My husband and I will never purchase from this website even though we thought some of the shirts were funny the others were downright disgusting and I don't want to subject anyone to that and I also don't want that on my concious.
Editor's Note: Wow, this thing is just peppered with tardosity. Actually, "peppered" suggests that it has been lightly sprinkled on. This thing is fucking slathered in retard. As I said earlier, I don't like picking on mistakes in grammar, but I must say, the mistake within a mistake of using "concious" instead of "conscience" is fucking epic.
It was certainly not our intention to send any subliminal messages endorsing molestation, rape, suicide or homicide. It was our intention to make those endorsements well-known and completely obvious. And sorry to disappoint, but I already show our shirts to girls who grew up being molested by family members every chance I get. Which is often, since I live with about twelve of them.
Personally, I feel proud that I contribute to molding children's minds into something disgusting and twisted. If a child is raised and sheltered from the ugly side of life, they turn into...well, you. They weren't desensitized to it at an early age so when they grow up they have no sense of humor about it and spend the rest of their lives weeping for humanity and writing pointless emails instead of laughing and enjoying this roller-coaster ride to nowhere known as life.
I have no problem with that "cold, hard truth." In fact, I prefer most things cold and hard. The ladies know what I'm talking about. You don't? Well, I'm talking about cocks, cash and popsicles.
One last thing before I go; I just wanted you and your imaginary husband to know we haven't changed as a result of your email. Watching an entire congregation blow their brains out after viewing our shirts wouldn't do it; let alone your feeble attempt to describe this fictional blow we've dealt society. Now go pleasure your "husband." He's had a long day of being a lumberjack and an astronaut. Are a BJ and some meatloaf too much to ask for, bitch?
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[Happy Ending - Wipe Off Your Keyboard]
Honesty is the best policy. You fat cunt.