Former Russian President Boris Yeltsin recently passed away at the age of 76 proof. He led a full life, but those close to him say that he always regretted that he never caught moose and squirrel. Get it? Boris and Natasha? Eh, fuck you.
Another former Russian President, Alec Baldwin, has come under fire for hostile comments that were directed at his 11-year-old daughter. I don't know what the big deal is. My dad constantly threatened me when I was 11 years old, and it just made the sex that much better.
And something happened in Virginia, but I can't recall what. I think it involved a college...some kind of minority was involved...oh, I don't remember. All I know is that I made a shitload of money.
We've added more new shirts than Satan himself deserves, let alone your sorry ass. There's something for everyone this time around. As long as you're into drugs, vagina, donkey shows, or just keeping your vote white and male. Check 'em out. Or eat your own poop. Whatever you want to do.
All of our new shirts are here:
Sanjaya Malakar, television phenomenon and gay teenager, was recently voted off of American Idol. He (?) was a highly divisive performer, lasting well into the late rounds of the competition due in large part to campaigns devoted to voting for the worst contestant. (Kind of like the presidency. That's how it happened, isn't it?)
This upset American Idol fans, who claimed that it ruined the show's credibility. You know, the credibility of the show that made stars out of Taylor Hicks and Clay Aiken. That credibility. But while AI fans grew increasingly frustrated, people who hate the show loved the success of Sanjaya, believing that his victory would help sink the ratings juggernaut. And still others genuinely enjoyed the attitude and over-the-top style of Sanjaya.
I, as usual, came down on the side of not caring. Whether Sanjaya goes on to sell 10 million albums or he ends up doing gay porn before being shot in the head in a coke deal gone wrong, my reaction will be the same - a simple shrug of the shoulders.
It seems that in this day and age of opinion polls, phone voting and leaving comments, people have forgotten that they have the option of simply not caring. Just because two groups are fighting about something doesn't mean one of them is right. If a couple of guys are arguing whether oral sex is better from a badger or a mongoose, you don't have to pick a side.
But I'm not telling you to avoid conflict just because the conflict is pointless. I'm telling you to avoid conflict regardless of what it's about. Whether it's about something as trivial as American Idol or about something as supposedly important as the environment, just stay out of it and you'll come out all the better for having avoided it. And even if you don't, you won't care.
So just remember, the next time you're holding up a protest sign and shouting to let the world know where you stand on abortion, I'm at home eating ice cream sandwiches and laughing at the Three Stooges. At the end of the day we will both have made the same impact on society, but only I will have avoided feeling emotions. Have a good night. Or don't. I don't really give a shit.
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From: Dan H.
Sent: Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Hi there. I have submitted my "go make me a pot-pie bitch!" T-shirt idea a couple of times. Myself and many others think that it's hilarious. Definitely more hilarious than some of the ones I see on your website. I'm just wondering why it hasn't been considered and I haven't been contacted about it. Maybe you're not getting the Email or something??? Just let me know.
Editor's Note: You mean that submission was real? The whole reason I didn't accept it was because I thought I was living in some kind of dreamworld where I had just laid eyes upon the most perfect thing ever. It was as if God had turned himself into a t-shirt idea. I thought, 'Since I'm clearly dreaming up this entire situation I'm not even going to bother accepting it.'
And on the off chance that I wasn't dreaming and that submission did in fact exist in reality, I still dared not turn it into a t-shirt based on the simple fact that it would leave mankind nowhere else to go. We're in a constant struggle to better ourselves and improve humanity, but if that shirt ever comes into existence, we will have reached our zenith and would have no reason to go on.
So rest assured, your email is working just fine and there are no other technical problems you need worry about. I simply passed on your idea to spare us all of the grim reality that everything we know and believe is a sham. The only truth in this universe is that all of this is a sad, pointless prelude to the day "Go make me a pot-pie, bitch!" gets printed on a t-shirt.
Goodbye, Dan H. - Creator of the Universe and King of All Beings Great and Small.
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From: roman*** @ ***.com
Sent: Friday, April 20, 2007
I am writing to tell you how offended I am at the wording you put on the top of your receipts. Here's your ------- receipt. It is not business like at all and very crude. I know this means nothing to you and I usually never write people but this one was to much. My son ordered two shirts from your business and I so this and was very offended. Thank you for your time.
Mrs. Catherine H.
Editor's Note: Uhh...thanks? I don't know what you want me to do with this. Usually when people complain about something they ask us to make a change concerning said complaint. You just kind of complained and left it at that. You didn't ask us to change the phrasing on the receipt or send along blindfolds and earplugs so you can shield your child from the horrors of curse words. You essentially just said, "I don't like naughty words and my son bought some shirts. Byeee!"
You mentioned in your email that you never write people, so it's good to know that on the rare occasion when you do write someone, you make it really meaningful. I suppose you could muster up enough brain cells to write a local politician about something relevant, but it's much easier for you to write the producers of 'Two and a Half Men' concerning that terrible joke about "ladies underwear." I swear to paint-huffing God, this email couldn't have meant less if you wrote to tell us you like potato soup and Jenga.
You also mentioned that you're aware that your email means nothing to us, which is true, but it makes me wonder why people like you go to the trouble of sending these emails. You might as well write to Hillary Clinton to see if she can make the Matrix sequels better. That's about how much weight your complaints carry with us.
The thirty seconds you spent writing this (or several hours, depending on how long it took you to figure out that the 'Shift' key makes letters big) could have been better spent on your usual activities. You know...removing your tongue from mousetraps and screaming at the TV when you see a fire on it.
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From: Janice H.
Sent: Friday, April 13, 2007
Subject: harmful shirt
Please get rid of the 'kill yourself.....all the cool kids are doing it' shirt. I have a teenage daughter and one of her best freinds recently attempted suicide. Thankfully she's okay but teenage suicide is a serious problem. i would think that in this day in age you would know better than to make light with of something like this. So please remove that shirt.
Editor's Note: First of all, tell your daughter's friend to try harder next time. These damn kids today give up so easily. The doctor pumps your stomach to prevent an overdose and you just give up? That's not the American way. That's the Mexican way.
Second of all, instead of complaining about that shirt, why not just follow its instructions? Think about it. If you had the good sense to end it all, you wouldn't be around to be concerned about it today. The logic is so simple, yet so many people fail to grasp it.
Anyway, we won't be getting rid of that shirt. It was created for the sole purpose of spreading the message of the highly underappreciated act of suicide. And until we stop getting letters like this from people like you, I'll know it hasn't fulfilled its mission. In short, this shirt will go away when people like you go away. Be sure to bring that up at the next 'Ignorant Cunt Convention.'
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From: Cliff M.
Sent: Monday, April 23, 2007
the pro-choice stork shirt is in very poor taste. And I dont' say this as some bible-beater. In fact i support a womans right to choose, but that's why the shirt shows poor judgement. if people like your company are going to keep making jokes about abortion and suggesting that it ends the life of a baby it's just going to make it that much harder for pro-lifers to take us seriously and except our position.
You may think your just selling a funny shirt, but for people that are against abortion it just gives them another thing to get angry about. Stop making it
Editor's Note: But abortion DOES end the life of a child. That's what makes it so awesome. You think I've had two dozen abortions just to save money and avoid neglecting my kids? No. I did it so I could experience the thrill of taking human life while keeping it nice and legal.
I didn't always need to resort to abortion. I used to kill fully grown humans all the time, but then somebody told me I could go to jail for it. Even if they were drifters and illegal immigrants. Can you believe that shit? Anyway, what do you care if some hayseed disagrees with you on abortion? We have the right to disagree in this country. That's what makes Grenada so great. I mean America. I spend so much time overseas watching illegal dolphin fights, sometimes I forget where I am.
But part of me sees your point. If treating this subject with the sensitivity it deserves could've prevented your birth, it'd totally be worth sacrificing a few jokes. The good news is, no matter how ignorant and closed-minded these backwoods hillbillies remain, they can never take away our dumpsters.
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The End - Now Without Nuts!
Give a man a fish and you have fed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll probably just say "Fuck it" and go buy a sandwich.