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05/08/06

The Early May Thing

Hola, mi cunts. Let me get straight to the news. First off, last week hundreds of thousands of immigrants walked off the job and took to the streets to show how vital they are to the American economy. I wish I had a joke about that for you, but my joke-writer, Pepe, didn’t show up for work last week. Also in the news, gas prices are so high . . . "How high are they?" They’re so high . . . that my mom just died of Leukemia. Which is unrelated, but a good punch-line is a good punch-line.

Let’s move on to entertainment news. The film version of The Da Vinci Code is about to be released and, as expected, a bunch of twats are upset about it. Chief among its critics is none other than the Pope himself. Said the Pope, "This is outrageous. Back when I was a child learning how to gas homosexuals and tattoo Jews, I never could have imagined such a blasphemous film. Does anyone remember that? I was almost a Nazi. God, you people are fucking stupid."

My personal advice to the Catholics: if you want to see the movie, see the goddamn movie and give me five ‘Hail Marys’. Jesus, what’s the point of having a superstition if you’re not going to take advantage of it?
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Shirts So New You Can Still Smell the Child Labor

We’ve got more new shirts than we know what to do with. But, as usual, we just decided that we’re going to sell them. We’ve got something for every demographic we care about. Straight white males above or below the age of 30. But if that doesn’t apply to you, you can always buy one as a gift for the straight white male in your life.

But seriously, we’ve got shirts for everyone. Male/female, black/white, straight . . . and I guess that’s it. However, we do have a shirt for anyone who’s ever wanted to piss off Indians and cancer patients with the same shirt. And there’s so much more. Check ‘em out, asshole.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt_050806.htm

If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste it into your browser.
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The Immaculate Abortion

Based on the title of this piece, I’m assuming that you know where I’m going with this. I’m going to start at the beginning anyway, just so you know where I was at emotionally. And so it’ll be easier to pad this article out.

It all started about four weeks ago at a rave I attended. I know what you’re thinking. What was a hot black chick doing at a party that is typically made up of nothing but white teenagers and glow-stick salesmen? Well let me just say this. A coke deal is a coke deal and money from fifteen-year-olds spends just like all the rest.

Anyway, when I arrived it appeared to be like any other rave. Shitty music, those striped hats from the Cat in the Hat, the laser sight from my crossbow fixed on the center of a tie-dyed shirt . . . you know, the usual. It wasn’t until I reached the crudely constructed bar at the back of the warehouse that I noticed something out of the ordinary. At the bar stood a Korean kid that couldn’t have been any older than fourteen, shaving his newly formed pubes and feeding them to an eighty-year-old Russian woman. And standing next to them is what I’m talking about.

Sitting on a stool that he had moved away from the crowd was God himself. And as if the whole "supreme being" thing wasn’t intimidating enough, he also looked like he was in no mood to talk. I decided to approach anyway. After all, when would I ever have this chance again? So I slowly walk toward him, rehearsing what I’m going to say in my head. After what seems like an eternity I finally reach him. And just as I’m about to open my mouth to speak he holds a finger to my mouth and simply says, "No words tonight. Just action."

As flattered as I was, I had no interest in sleeping with God. However, I gladly accepted the drink he gave me. Next thing I knew I woke up naked and bloody in a Motel 6. You guessed it. God slipped me a roofie. My wallet was gone and I had God only knows what done to me. Literally. As I struggled to come to grips with the fact that I had just been date-raped and robbed by God, I decided to get out of there and never mention it again.

Then, about a week later, I realized that I had missed my period. It didn’t take me long to put two and two together, considering that I had only been with women and miniature donkeys for the past three months. So there I was, pregnant and alone with God’s baby. What to do? The issue of abortion raises so many complex questions about morality and life in general. I ran these questions through my head ad nauseam for what seemed like forever.

Five minutes later I was at Planned Parenthood. Turns out all those questions mean nothing when you love getting abortions. I get artificially inseminated just so I can get abortions. It didn’t take date-rape for me to lean toward that side of the fence. Abortions are just so fucking fun. Creating life within your own body and then destroying it is so much easier than hunting down hoboes and transsexual hookers.

So, to make a long story short, I aborted what would have been God’s second child. Well, we’re all God’s children, but you know what I mean. Second child that would have been composed of his actual sperm. Truth is, this decision would have been a slam-dunk even if I didn’t love abortion. I mean, take a look at God’s first kid. You know the one. Not only was his life crap, but things haven’t exactly been peaches and cream for the rest of us since his death. Just think of all the war and strife he’s been the catalyst for throughout the ages. Not to mention our president. If Jesus had any hand in that he can fuck off. Just like the goopy mess in my toilet. And on a personal note, I know that he’s been responsible for me spitting on my mom and stabbing my dad’s prostate on several occasions.

In conclusion: would I do it again? I certainly hope to. But until the day when God knocks me up again, I guess I’ll just have to keep doing what I’ve been doing. Aborting my dog’s babies, switching birth control pills with fertility drugs at pharmacies and developing a drink for women that will cause them to produce poisoned breast milk. Until then, good night and may God bless you. Right in the pussy.
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Don’t Hate the Player - Not Exclusively, Anyway

----- Original Message -----

From: kAyLa S.

Sent: Thursday, April 13, 2006 9:16 PM

First of all, if you are going to run what you call business you don’t need to be cusing at people. Second of all, I think its about time that you grow UP and get what us normal people call "A LIFE"! But go on and make those lame t-shirts that these perverted people make and buy. Be a loser all your life and sell T-shirts. You must not know Jesus as your savor. So just go right on ahead you loser!!!!!

Thank you for your time and have a nice day you ASSHOLE!!!!

(Editor's Note: I suppose you’re wondering why I’ve chosen such a pathetic piece of hate mail to respond to. There’s a simple explanation. This same exact person recently wrote us a piece of hate mail which I included in our last newsletter. Part of me hesitates to respond to this, because a response gives her the attention she is seeking and probably just makes her feel like her stupidity is being validated. I can assure you that it is not. I can also assure you that when she writes again in response to this I’ll just send her a letter-bomb that detonates when it detects a dumb bitch.

Anyway, the reason I AM responding to this is to point out the hypocrisy that is inherent in virtually all religious people. Since religious texts can’t change as the world changes and science reveals new information, it’s impossible for said religion to keep its shit straight. Christians, for example, ignore the fact that the Bible asks us to avoid touching women because they are filthy, just so they can keep feeling superior to people that read anything other than the Bible and have moved on. They pick and choose which rules to follow so they can keep hating fags without giving up getting drunk or watching porn.

Kayla here, while not a very severe example, is an example nonetheless. She calls people that make and buy these shirts "perverted," thus contradicting that whole "judge not lest you be judged" thing. Then she calls me an asshole, which is the sin of lying. I’m not an asshole. I’m a cunt. This is what I’m talking about. Religion demands that you totally ignore your human nature. Kayla sinned a couple of times in a brief e-mail. Just imagine what she does at home with the shades drawn and the little Asian boy she adopted totally lubed up. You’ll have to imagine it, because I’m not giving anyone the tape.)

----- Original Message -----

From: Shauntavia J.

Sent: Thursday, April 06, 2006 8:52 PM

Subject: T-SHIRT

I am very apalled to what you people have written on your t-shirts. To many people they are offensive. You guys only care about yourselves and its not funny to everyone. You need to shut down your company or I will sue you. If you don’t care you better watch out...I mean come on.. "arrest black babies before they become criminals"? Not all black people are criminals...I happen to be a black person and I got accepted to Princeton for goodness sake...so you better stop following stereotypes and GET A LIFE YOU MOFOS!!!

(Editor's Note: First off, congratulations on being selected to fill Princeton’s quota. I’m assuming that you didn’t attend Princeton, despite the fact that they accepted you. If you are attending Princeton, I suggest you have a little talk with your Spelling and Apostrophe Use professor. He seems to be letting a lot of shit slide.

And after you’ve got that problem straightened out you should have a talk with your law professor. He should be able to explain that you’d be unable to sue us for putting some jokes on shirts. Just thought I’d save you some time and effort. I’d hate for you to hire a lawyer only to be embarrassed in court in front of all your fellow Princeton Tigers.

Man, it really seems like Princeton is slipping. I have no idea why they chose you over me. Not only would I help to fill their black and female quotas, like yourself, but I’d also help fill the lesbian quota. But, once again, it looks like they went with retarded over homosexual. Story of my life. Looks like I’ll have to settle for Princeton Beauty College in Lawrence, KS. Wait a second...this e-mail came from Lawrence, KS. Shauntavia, you dirty bitch, you almost had me. I’ll see you at orientation.)

----- Original Message -----

From: hakan a.

Sent: Wednesday, April 05, 2006 8:45 AM

Subject: you’re dishonourable

all over the world, all people believe something; Allah, God, Yahuda, sun, moon etc. etc. but no one (if he or she is human) disregard any religion expect you!!! God damned you..

you must to remove that t-shirt advertorial unless I’ll broad this disgusting link everywhere and everybody...

(Editor's Note: I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t like pointing out grammatical errors because it’s so easy, but what the fuck else is there? It’s almost like someone smeared a keyboard with banana paste and let a monkey go to town on it. Next time don’t even bother translating your e-mail from Arabic. I’m sure it will make just as much sense.

Having said that, I did manage to decipher a small amount of what you wrote. The first thing I’ll point out is that you left a couple of key deities off of your list. You mention Allah, God, Yahuda, sun and moon, but you totally forgot about purple hearts and green clovers. And as much as I’d like to call you out for saying God has damned me, I can’t. Because my idea of hell is having to read hundreds of e-mails from retards that had goats do their typing for them, so it is quite clear that I have been damned. But at least I’m not stuck in your version of hell, where I’m forced to read shirts against my will and I don’t know what a joke is. That would fucking suck.)

----- Original Message -----

From: "Andre L." nyc***** @ ****.com

Sent: Monday, April 24, 2006 5:27 PM

T-Shirt promoting violence against rappers??

It’s bad enough that we have a lot of violence in the hip hop world... But to promote violence against RAPPERS?? Some might see this as something funny but I sure don’t....

(Editor's Note: Who exactly would see this shirt as something funny? To even suggest that is perverse. Just because we deal primarily in humorous shirts doesn’t mean they’re all supposed to be funny. The shirt in question reads "Support the fine arts - shoot a rapper." That is not a joke. It is a strong social statement that we could not be any more serious about. We see the condition music is in and it’s a shame. That’s why we’re calling on citizens to do their part to help improve things.

And frankly, we’re a little upset that rappers are the only ones taking the advice of this shirt. They’re doing their part to save art from themselves, but they can only do so much. That’s why it’s up to the rest of us to advance the cause. Because for every Tupac, Biggie and Proof that gets shot, there are a dozen TI’s and Chingy’s waiting in the wings. So go buy yourself a "gat" or a "nina", find a rich black guy that dresses like he’s poor and help save the music.)

-----Original Message-----

From: MrHLa**** @ ****.com

Sent: Saturday, April 08, 2006 11:55 PM

Subject: the shirts

I think 99% of your shirts are funny...but the one about The Blessed Mother Mary and We’ll kill Jesus again...the line is drawn there, Humor is ok...yes, but you are being totally sacrilegious and irresponsible with this type of shirt. Please refrain from promoting a disregard of a faith that is held by so many before small kids see/read that and think it’s ok

(Editor's Note: I’m going to excuse myself from this response and let Jesus handle it. And Jesus writes: "Dear followers, get the fuck over it and get a sense of humor. You’d be surprised how easygoing everyone up here in heaven is. My dad (I think you’ve heard of him) is too busy ignoring genocides and wars to give two shits about what someone puts on a shirt.

Furthermore, if he did give a shit about shirts, it’d probably be concerning the ten-year-old Asians that manufacture them in sweatshops, and not the emotions of a bitch that doesn’t like what he sees on one. Funny how you’re concerned with protecting the feelings of an all-powerful being and people that died 2,000 years ago, but no one else. If anyone can take a joke, I’m pretty sure it’s God and the deceased.

And finally, I’d just like to reveal the one true God. Turns out it’s Vishnu. Allah and I were equally surprised by that one. Sorry to shatter your perception of the universe, but at least now you won’t have to waste your time being concerned with my feelings. And I won’t have to feel so guilty about tea-bagging your kids. Vishnu’s totally cool with that. I’m out like this is Lazarus’ tomb. That’s my new catchphrase. Just seeing if it’ll catch on.")
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Is This a Happy Ending or a Sad Ending? It’s an Ending, That’s Enough

Rome wasn’t built in a day. Not with that attitude, Buster.

Peace