I hope you all had a fun Cinco de Mayo. Personally, I got wrecked. Granted, I also got wrecked for Obama's 100th day, Mother's Day and when Mine That Bird won the Derby, but you know what they say: If it's a celebration it isn't alcoholism. I just can't wait until later tonight when I celebrate the one-month anniversary of my last haircut.
Supreme Court Justice Souter recently announced his retirement. Anyone worried that Obama will replace him with an ultra-liberal judge can relax. I happen to know he's going to select my cyborg, the Left-Wingotron-3000. All it does is kill fetuses and marry gay couples, but it is strictly apolitical and acts only out of cold robot logic.
Senator Arlen Specter recently switched to the Democratic party. The first issue Specter is looking to tackle? His new nickname. He's narrowed it down to two choices; either "Rat from a Sinking Ship Specter" or "Arlen the Bandwagon Jumper."
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi says allegations made by his wife that he had an affair with an 18-year-old girl are lies. He later added, "Which is kinda fucked up when you think about it. I mean, I'm the goddamn Prime Minister of fucking Italy. I should have my dick in an 18-year-old's mouth during this denial."
Brett Favre may soon be a Minnesota Viking. I think this will be a much better fit for Favre than New York was. People in Minnesota are used to disappointment.
Michael Phelps three-month suspension from competition ended last week. "That was really tough," said Phelps. "If I hadn't smoked all that pot I probably never would've gotten through it. Oh man... I wish I could swim in pot."
JJ Abrams' highly anticipated Star Trek reboot opened last weekend. Fans loved it. After suffering through the suck-fest that was the last three Star Wars movies, sci-fi fans were looking forward to something positive in their lives. And as sex was not an option, this movie managed to fill the void. Live long and eat me.
Beloved fat person Dom Deluise died recently. And since no one under 30 knows who the hell that is, just pretend I said something insensitive about him and go about your business.
Twitter's popularity was manufactured a couple months ago, so it's time to move on to the next internet fad. MySpace, Facebook and now Twitter have shown us the lifespan of internet fads is growing increasingly small, so by the time you read this two or three websites may have already become super-popular and super-lame since Twitter. Despite that, I'm going to try and predict the next big thing on the internet. Here are a few candidates.
Incredibly-needy.com - Using the "begging" points you can purchase on the site, send "begs" to all the imaginary friends you can purchase on the site. From there you simply share your blog, music, pictures and videos with all your new "friends". Sure, all these friends only exist as a bunch of code and pixels, but if you can delude yourself into thinking you mean something, that's all that matters.
Blogless-blog - Type in the subject of your blog and this site calculates how much time you would've wasted writing it and tells readers how much time they would've wasted reading it, thus enabling you to chill for a bit instead of getting in a huff for no reason. Also shows you the college professor or liberal journalist you would have paraphrased or stolen from directly.
World-of-Warcraft-nonplayer-updates - Companion to World of Warcraft, this game shows WoW players updates on the type of people who typically make fun of them. Players will see a screen scrolling messages such as "Guy who beat you up in school currently stuck working in a Tulsa Denny's because he knocked up his high school girlfriend" or "Guy who called you a 'sad little virgin' last week just got syphilis from his girlfriend's roommate."
You'll-regret-this.com - The sole purpose of this site is to allow the user to post anything that will cause problems for him or her later in life. Naked pictures, xenophobic rants, video of drunken lesbian makeouts... If it'll get you fired or booted out of an organization, this is the place for it. Because no part of your life should be private. Potential employers and voters have just as much right to your life as you do. Thank god so many people understand that these days.
Amish-conduit.com - As the Amish aren't allowed to use modern technology, this site hooks up Amish individuals with members of normal society. On behalf of this Amish person, a normal person will participate in all the activity of an average web user. Once a month this proxy will report to this Amish person everything worthwhile they've done on their behalf. Reports will be incredibly brief.
Half-twitter.com - Who has time to read 140 characters? You've got to get to work and several other places you don't want to be; you don't have 2.7 seconds to read what someone poured no heart or soul into. Half-twitter has you in mind. They only use the top half of letters to save you time. That none of it makes sense doesn't matter; it's still just as worthwhile as Twitter.
Thatslame-thatsucks.com - The site dedicated to allowing any horse's ass with an internet connection to mock and ridicule the accomplishments of others. Musicians, politicians, whoever; if they do something, make fun of them for it. Being informative or even entertaining is discouraged; just say things suck while never actually doing something yourself. Take that, people who do stuff!
Fill-in-the-blanks-tube - Like YouTube, but instead of making a video you just type a couple words and a program creates the video for you. For example, you would type "frog dancing watermelon hump" and before you know it the site creates a video of a guy in a frog suit dancing while humping a watermelon. After that you simply sit back as your video inexplicably gets 1 million views.
Babyster.com - The internet is doing its best to infantilize humanity, and Babyster wants to finish the job. It's the networking site where you interact with your fellow "babies" as an infant would. Drop a "goo goo" to your friends; send a "cry" to your virtual parents requesting an "e-burp" or an "e-didey change." The beauty of it is that unlike actual babies, you never have to grow up on Babyster.
Please-don't-like-me.com - A social networking site where the point is to have as few people as possible be your friend. Everyone starts with zero, but the coolest members don't even join. Until, of course, so many people have not joined that they all feel mainstream and join just to avoid that label, thus creating a contradiction that destroys the internet.
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From: THe Pope
you're all fucking stupid republicans and your shirts aren't funny..they're just sexist and prejudice and ignorant!
Editor's Note: Sexist: check. Prejudice: check. Ignorant: check. Alright! I just won my sorority's "Horrible Personal Traits" scavenger hunt. I took care of "violent" and "substance abuser" on the first day when I choked Tiffany to death with her own panties and snorted coke out of her vagina. I think everyone else kind of gave up after that. Come to think of it, I may not be in a sorority. Anyway... I WIN, BITCHES!
Just so you know, we're not all fucking stupid Republicans. We fuck stupid people of any political affiliation. Can a nigga get a rimshot on that!
Seriously though, I don't care if you think our shirts aren't funny (because I don't care about anything), but you make it sound like they're not funny BECAUSE they're sexist, prejudiced and ignorant; not despite that. Something can be both, you know. Take my stepdad; sometimes he puts out cigarettes on me because he's sexist and sometimes he does it because he's racist, but whatever his motivation, that shit is just hilarious.
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I find the T-shirt with the words fuck the colorblind to be very offensive. I, myself, am colorblind and feel that you shouldn't be selling a t-shirt that makes fun of someone's disability.
Editor's Note: You're right. Why should we resort to making jokes at the expense of the handicapped when the facts are so much funnier?
For example, you are colorblind. And while I could spend all day thinking of clever gags or witty puns to address that, they could never be funnier than the basic truth that your eyes don't function properly. That you can never be a pilot probably doesn't bother you much, but I bet a day never goes by where you don't think "Why me? What did I do to deserve this?" That's where true comedy lies: in your sadness, not my pathetic little jokes.
I'd like to thank you for opening my eyes to this. My fully functioning eyes. As a result of your email, allow me to share with you some of our upcoming shirt ideas: #1 - A lot of people have cancer. #2 - Millions of black kids are starving to death right now. And #3: Women get raped.
That is just great. All the laughs, half the effort.
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From: John R.
hey you aids infested cocksuckers I've been a member for over 2 years and havent won a free t-shirt yet I think all those winner names are fakes to get us hopeless bastards to keep buying t-shirts from you bastards so as my one shirt says to whom it may concern FUCK YOU
Editor's Note: Wow. Who knew John Ritter had such a potty mouth? And that he would breach the barrier between our world and the netherworld for something as trivial as some free shirts? But then, that Jack Tripper always was a bit of a wild card.
In case this is just some random John R. and not the manifestation of John Ritter, allow me to correct you. You have been a member much longer than two years. I mean, in the other sense of the word. You know... "member." Get it? Oh, forget it. You're a huge fucking tool.
Anyway, I don't have a free shirt for you, but I have something much more valuable. It's a little piece of advice. Kill yourself. I suggest soaking yourself in gas and setting yourself on fire so the coroner can't write things like "Enjoyed licking balls" and "Also enjoyed rusty trombones" on your corpse. Which he will totally do if he wants all these free T-shirts.
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From: Enlightened One
Whomever came up with that Bea Arthur Rot in Hell shirt most def. has some problems. Not a funny shirt in any kind of way. And certainly a website that will not be getting my $$$$$$ for speaking ill of the DEAD.
Betcha who ever came up with that shirt didn't do Estelle Getty like that when she die. But as you guys website says you'll DON'T GIVE A F**K. Just wanted to rant and say that.
Editor's Note: You are correct, we didn't make fun of Estelle Getty. That is because she was a beautiful human being, whereas Bea Arthur was a filthy, 'gina-chomping whore.
If I could be serious for a moment, who ever came up with this idea that we shouldn't speak ill of the dead? Speaking ill of the dead is the last chance we have to get some use out of them. You think Bea Arthur would rather spend all eternity slowly rotting away while her 10 living fans accidentally refer to her due to the onset of dementia, or be laughed at by a bunch of insensitive stoners from now until whenever some other loser dies?
In response to all of this, a word from Bea Arthur: "(silence) (sound of bugs chewing on human flesh) (more silence)" Oh Bea, you are such a card.
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[Go Get Tested]
A bird in the hand is worth however many diamonds I shoved in its ass.