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newsfromhell

It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing

Paris Hilton was recently sentenced to 45 days in jail by an L.A. county judge. Sure, when Paris does it she only gets 45 days, but when I use a pair of nunchucks to sodomize the Pope...

But seriously, this is a sad situation and I wish the best for Paris. If there's any upside to this, it's that due to Hilton's sexual history, she'll barely feel it when her bunkmate fist-rapes her.

In less relevant news, gas prices are soaring to their highest levels ever. If this keeps up, I'm going to have to stop waiting on nature to take its course and just go ahead and kill my dinosaurs.

Lesbian gang rape?  That's hot.

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New Shirts
New Shirts

We've added several new shirts just in time for...hell, I don't know. I'm sure some Jewish holiday is coming up. Included in this group is a shirt for all you Lil' Rascals into group sex, a shirt for all you alcoholics who believe in yourselves, and a shirt for all of you ladies with a dating disorder.

We've also added a brand-new baby shirt for all you parents out there. Well, not specifically for you parents. I meant for your babies, dumbass.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt_051407_news.htm


division

Black is the new off-white.

You don't need steroids to triple in size.Barry Bonds is only a handful of homeruns away from breaking Hank Aaron's all-time homerun record. As an occasionally proud black woman, I am very upset by this development. We black people have worked too hard for too long just to have other black people come along and diminish our accomplishments.

Think about it: For decades now Hank Aaron has been known as the guy that endured racial slurs and death threats all for the sake of sticking it to Whitey. But now that Bonds has passed Babe Ruth and will soon pass Aaron, Hammerin' Hank will become just another guy that hit a shitload of homeruns.

He'll no longer be called "the colored that beat that fat cracker." Instead, he'll be known as a great player. In other words, you'll think of his accomplishments first and his race second. That may be good for humanity, but it's terrible for racists. Particularly black racists, like me.

This man is NOT a fucking Blues Brother.One of the few things black people have in this country is to break down barriers that white people have set up, and the last thing we need is other black people crossing those barriers just because they've been broken down. Once that happens, it's not long until the one who initially broke the barrier stops being considered a trailblazer and starts being evaluated for his accomplishments. From there it's not long until he's considered (gulp) a human.

If you think I'm overreacting, just consider Jackie Robinson. "I don't know who that is," you say? Exactly. For those of you who don't know, Jackie Robinson was the first black man in Major League Baseball. We remember him today, if we remember him at all, as a great athlete. We've become so open-minded and blind to race that none of us reduce his accomplishments to just "first black guy to play."

You do need steroids to look this hot in a strapless dress though.What I'm driving at, my fellow darkies, is that our forefathers blazed trails so they could be known as trailblazers, not so you could follow that trail. They want to be forever remembered as people who overcame racism, not as people who helped end racism.

So instead of going down a trail that's already been well-trod, make your own. Be the first black guy to score a hat-trick. Be the first black guy to disappoint a white woman in bed. It doesn't matter what you do, as long as you're the first BLACK person to do it. So keep blazing those trails and make sure we're never seen as anything more than a color. Peace out, my n-words.


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