Paris Hilton was recently sentenced to 45 days in jail by an L.A. county judge. Sure, when Paris does it she only gets 45 days, but when I use a pair of nunchucks to sodomize the Pope...
But seriously, this is a sad situation and I wish the best for Paris. If there's any upside to this, it's that due to Hilton's sexual history, she'll barely feel it when her bunkmate fist-rapes her.
In less relevant news, gas prices are soaring to their highest levels ever. If this keeps up, I'm going to have to stop waiting on nature to take its course and just go ahead and kill my dinosaurs.
We've added several new shirts just in time for...hell, I don't know. I'm sure some Jewish holiday is coming up. Included in this group is a shirt for all you Lil' Rascals into group sex, a shirt for all you alcoholics who believe in yourselves, and a shirt for all of you ladies with a dating disorder.
We've also added a brand-new baby shirt for all you parents out there. Well, not specifically for you parents. I meant for your babies, dumbass.
All of our new shirts are here:
Barry Bonds is only a handful of homeruns away from breaking Hank Aaron's all-time homerun record. As an occasionally proud black woman, I am very upset by this development. We black people have worked too hard for too long just to have other black people come along and diminish our accomplishments.
Think about it: For decades now Hank Aaron has been known as the guy that endured racial slurs and death threats all for the sake of sticking it to Whitey. But now that Bonds has passed Babe Ruth and will soon pass Aaron, Hammerin' Hank will become just another guy that hit a shitload of homeruns.
He'll no longer be called "the colored that beat that fat cracker." Instead, he'll be known as a great player. In other words, you'll think of his accomplishments first and his race second. That may be good for humanity, but it's terrible for racists. Particularly black racists, like me.
One of the few things black people have in this country is to break down barriers that white people have set up, and the last thing we need is other black people crossing those barriers just because they've been broken down. Once that happens, it's not long until the one who initially broke the barrier stops being considered a trailblazer and starts being evaluated for his accomplishments. From there it's not long until he's considered (gulp) a human.
If you think I'm overreacting, just consider Jackie Robinson. "I don't know who that is," you say? Exactly. For those of you who don't know, Jackie Robinson was the first black man in Major League Baseball. We remember him today, if we remember him at all, as a great athlete. We've become so open-minded and blind to race that none of us reduce his accomplishments to just "first black guy to play."
What I'm driving at, my fellow darkies, is that our forefathers blazed trails so they could be known as trailblazers, not so you could follow that trail. They want to be forever remembered as people who overcame racism, not as people who helped end racism.
So instead of going down a trail that's already been well-trod, make your own. Be the first black guy to score a hat-trick. Be the first black guy to disappoint a white woman in bed. It doesn't matter what you do, as long as you're the first BLACK person to do it. So keep blazing those trails and make sure we're never seen as anything more than a color. Peace out, my n-words.
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From: Josh L.
Sent: Friday, May 4, 2007
Subject: political tees?
what's up with all the political shirts? you recenly added not 1 but 2 shirts with Hilary Clinton and Barak Obama on them. Not to mention the new president Bush shirt. I don't think politicians are off limits, i just think you shouldnt even waste your time on them.
Editor's Note: You're right, Josh. From now on we'll only focus on topics that you are well-versed in. Just send us some shirt ideas about helmets and adult bibs and we'll get rid of those pesky political shirts.
Forgive me for assuming you aren't knowledgeable when it comes to politics. I'm sure you meant to misspell the first names of the two most recognizable Democrats in the country. You were probably making some kind of comment on society that the rest of us didn't understand.
Anyway, despite the fact that next year is an election year, we'll definitely be getting rid of those shirts. But until we do that, you just make sure to avoid any and everything that may mention politics so you don't have to worry your pretty/retarded little head about it. Now go eat the animal crackers your mom bought for you. And don't worry, they won't bite.
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From: mario1*** @ ***.com
Sent: Friday, May 4, 2007
Subject: praying 4 you
I was deeply offended by your new shirt 'I'm doing God's work - Because that lazy bastard never does it'. I have no problem with people mocking evangelists or even religion as a whole, but when you directly insult God, that is known as blasphemy.
I find most of your shirts to be in poor taste, but that one really crosses the line. If you don't remove it, I'll be telling my church leaders about your site. Have a blessed day. And remember that God still loves you.
Editor's Note: I sure as hell hope God loves me. I'd hate to think that thing he did with his fingers was an act of lust. What? I was talking about him touching my heart. Oh, and he fingered me.
I don't understand how people like you have such a hangup with blasphemy. I can understand how someone would think our shirts encourage substance abuse and irrational hate, especially since that's what we're trying to do, but I don't get the need to defend an all-powerful being.
God is supposed to be the creator of all things, but to hear you people defend him you'd think he's up there crying like a bitch anytime someone calls him a fag. Which I do every time I go to mass. My point is, God is a big boy. He doesn't need some twat like you defending him like he's a four-year-old girl I just kicked in the cunt.
Lastly, thanks for mentioning our site to your church leaders. Be sure to tell them about our "2 for 1" special for any clergyman that has molested at least two children in the past year.
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From: jrobin*** @ ***.com
Sent: Thursday, May 10, 2007
A friend of mine just gave me a b-day present that was wraped in your "funny" clown giftwrap. Aparently she doesn't know me that well or she would've known I'd be disgusted by it. I didnt find it funny at all. It was just gross and you should be shut down.
Editor's Note: For future reference, there are two P's in wrapped. It didn't really matter in this instance, but you could do some real damage if you ever put out a classified ad and you want to tell people that you love rappers. There are also two P's in apparently. Do you have some kind of strange fear of double P's? I hope not, because I want to pee on you twice.
Anyway, I'd just like to say sorry to your friend. Not for any unpleasantness the gift-wrap may have caused, but for the fact that she has a fucking idiot for a friend.
When I get these emails from people that say they're offended by something they received from our site as a gift, it makes me wonder how the friendship came to be. Have your bitchy ways left you so lonely that you've taken to calling polite coworkers friends? Or did you accidentally wind up with a cool person in your family tree and you think saying "friend" instead of "brother" makes you seem less pathetic?
Whatever the case may be, I'd like you to know that you don't have any real friends. You have tolerant relatives and a bunch of people that can't bring themselves to tell you that you weren't invited to that party. That may sound harsh, but it's better you hear it now, rather than when one of your "friends" finally snaps and says "None of us want you here! Get the fuck out of here, mom!"
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From: Lisa P.
Sent: Monday, May 7, 2007
Subject: your site
I was walking with my 8 year old daughter when I saw someone wearing your How dare I wear this goddamn shirt in front of your fucking kids? shirt. Very funny. It's easy for you to sit back and sell this garbage without thinking about the affect it has, but the reality is that there are those of us who don't want our kids seeing this crap.
You have the right to sell this filth, but don't I have the right to raise my daughter how I want? I do have that right. And whether you're aware of it or not, shirts like the ones you sell infringe on those rights. Consider other people for once.
Editor's Note: You have an 8-year-old daughter? What's she wearing?
But seriously, we get this complaint a lot, and I can assure you that we take it very seriously. In fact, I'd like to tell you how to deal with the situation when your child sees something that you object to them seeing. You could cover their eyes, but the damage has already been done.
When your child is exposed to something you disapprove of, my suggestion is to punch them in the face as hard as you can. They will either forget all about what they just saw or heard, or they will forever associate it with pain and avoid it for the rest of their lives. Either way works. Just ask any one of my five stepfathers. The added bonus is that you get to harm a child.
As far as us infringing on your rights goes, you've actually got a good point, so I'll make you a deal. We'll promise to stop making offensive shirts, if you can guarantee that I'll never again see any of your stupid, ugly kids in public. In summation, I'd just like to say "Blow me." I have a vagina, but you know what I mean. (I mean blow my vagina.)
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Twist Ending - You're Dead... And Gay!
Live each day as if it were your last. In other words, die.