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05/21/04
People are always dedicating things to
our brave men and women in the armed
forces serving overseas. Not me. The brave ones can take care
of
themselves, and they don't require a lot of positive reinforcement.
I
dedicate this newsletter to the unsung heroes: all the cowardly
pussies who
are also in our armed forces who are crying for their mommies
and shitting
in their pants. It's about time someone did something nice for
them.
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NEW SHIRTS FOR ALL YOU PATRIOTS
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We have a new shirt about all of the mischief
going on in the prisons in
Iraq. Check out what are boys are up to, those little scamps!
Also,
because you demanded it, we have redesigned our Willy Wonka shirt
for all the men out there traveling down the Hershey Highway.
All of our new shirts are here:
http://www.tshirthell.com/newshirt314.htm
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15 MILLION DOLLAR OSBOURNE LAWSUIT SETTLED
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The gavel came down recently and we have
settled our lawsuit with the
Osbournes. We can not discuss the particulars but don't be surprised
if the Osbournes sign on for a few more seasons of their crappy
show.
I predict you'll be able to enjoy Kellie experiencing the joys
of
menopause. Personally, I can't watch the show. Ozzy was fucking
Iron Man. I can't bear to see them parade him around like a drooling
muppet.Plus he's looking/acting more and more like my grandmother
everyday. I can't watch that.
Thank you to all who supported us and we
hope this will discourage
future pirates. When I say future pirates, I mean other t-shirt
manufacturers who attempt to use our slogans and designs without
permission. I am not referring to men with wooden legs and eye
patches,
I have no problem with them.
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AMERICANS IDLE
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Imagine this scenario: you and your buddies
have a couple of beers. Your
buddy Dan, who's a notorious lightweight, goes to the bathroom
and passes
out. So you and your friends strip him naked, put a pair of panties,
on his
head, and Jimmy (you know how crazy Jimmy is) sticks a cigar up
his ass.
Then you all sit next to him and pose for photographs.
Now the next day; is Dan going to punch
you playfully in the arm, or is he
going to attempt to convene an International tribunal and have
you tried as
a war criminal? This is torture? Are you fucking kidding me? This
is
Saturday night in every suburb in America. What other tortures
are going to
be revealed in the upcoming weeks? That they stuck their fingers
in glasses
of warm water while they were sleeping, so they wet the bed? That
they put
IcyHot in their jock straps? Maybe for female Iraqi prisoners
they soaked
their bras in water and stuck them in the freezer?
I'm all in favor of torture if it leads
to better interrogations. But
instead of threatening to electrocute them, why don't we threaten
them with
something the Iraqis are really afraid of- like soap and deodorant.
And how are we supposed to concentrate
on events in Iraq, when right here at
home those fucking Hawaiians are trying to steal American Idol
from our
blacks? Jasmine Trias couldn't carry a tune if you put it in a
bag and
stapled it to her forehead. Each week, the competition loses another
black
person and you know how angry they'll be if they lose. And you
know what
they do when they get angry. Now it's not all the black people.
Not the
nice ones like Eminem, M.C. Hammer, or Kobe Bryant (one mistake).
The
dangerous troublemakers like Al Roker, Oprah, and Star Jones.
I say we stop dicking around in Iraq and
let the real torture begin. Let's
ship Jasmine Trias over there and make them listen to her wail.
They'll be
lining up for interrogation just to get a break. We'll have our
troops home
in no time.
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HATE MAIL FROM SHE MALES
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----- Original Message -----
From: CATHIE T.
Sent: Friday, May 07, 2004 2:12 PM
Subject: Re: T-SHIRT HELL MOTHER'S DAY SPECIAL NEWSLETTER
I plan to unsubscribe from you, but not
before I say my piece. You should be
banned from the net. You need to be in some back alley shop on
skid row.
You are totally disgusting. I can't believe that the internet
allows people
like you to own a website. Is all this really necessary?
(Editor's Note: A back alley on skid row?
How old are you? 87? 120? What,
we're not funny like that Jackie Gleason? I think somebody is
cranky
because their adult diaper needs changing. Oh..and by the way,
I just spoke to
the internet yesterday and he told me how proud he was of us,
and what a swell
job we were doing.)
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----- Original Message -----
From: CHOCOLATEDOLL
Sent: Friday, May 07, 2004 11:03 PM
Subject: Re: T-SHIRT HELL MOTHER'S DAY SPECIAL NEWSLETTER
Please do not send any more emails to my
mail box. I'm glad I saw your
"niger" lover shirt before I spent money with you ignorant,
racist, people.
(Editor's Note: How dare you insult us
just because we love Niger? Sure it
isn't as flashy as Chad, or as cosmopolitan as Rwanda, but Niger
is still a
beautiful, wonderful country.
We love Niger in spite of environmental
issues like overgrazing; soil
erosion; deforestation; desertification; wildlife populations
(such as
elephant, hippopotamus, giraffe, and lion) which are threatened
because of
poaching and habitat destruction.
Even though Niger is a poor, landlocked
Sub-Saharan nation, whose economy
centers on subsistence agriculture, animal husbandry, and reexport
trade,
and increasingly less on uranium, because of declining world demand,
it
should not make Niger an object of hate.
I'll have you know the 50% devaluation
of the West African franc in January
1994 boosted exports of livestock, cowpeas, onions, and the products
of
Niger's small cotton industry.
True, the government relies on bilateral
and multilateral aid - which was
suspended following the April 1999 coup d'etat - for operating
expenses and
public investment. In 2000-01, the World Bank approved a structural
adjustment loan of $105 million to help support fiscal reforms.
However, reforms could prove difficult
given the government's bleak
financial situation. The IMF approved a $73 million poverty reduction
and
growth facility for Niger in 2000 and announced $115 million in
debt relief
under the Heavily Indebted Poor Countries (HIPC) initiative. Further
disbursements of aid occurred in 2002. Future growth may be sustained
by
exploitation of oil, gold, coal, and other mineral resources.
But since
when has being poor meant you were unworthy of love?
Now who's ignorant? Now who's racist?)
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----- Original Message -----
From: jojo
Sent: Thursday, May 06, 2004 4:40 PM
Subject: last newsletter response to check please
this is a response to the so called rich
guy who thinks that being a waiter
is not hard....your absolutely right...the actual job isn't hard
at all..yes
you order, we give the order to the kitchen we get the order and
deliver
it to your table..the only part that makes it hard is dealing
with assholes
like yourself who think that just because your sitting at the
table that I
should kiss your ass and do it because I need your whole dollar
tip that's
going put me through college.
Well buddy...I just want you to know..that
I've never met a waiter/waitress
who is too lazy to spit in your food or wipe their nose on your
napkin...
so please keep up the good job being an asshole...And we'll continue
laughing at you when you eat your food and drink your drink and
when
you leave your whole dollar tip on your stolen credit card we'll
make sure
to add a 50.00 tip to it and give 25 to the cook for dropping
your food on
the floor. Enjoy your next meal asshole.
(Editor's Note: Jojo? Your name is Jojo?
Has someone finally taken my
advice and trained retired circus monkeys to wait tables? I always
thought
they would find the work beneath them. Please let me know where
you
wait tables, Jojo. I've got a great big banana just for you.)
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----- Original Message -----
From: "ann h"
Sent: Wednesday, May 05, 2004 9:29 AM
Subject: Re: T-SHIRT HELL MOTHER'S DAY SPECIAL NEWSLETTER
I'm not sure if I've ever ordered anything
from T-ShirtHell, but for the
most part, I enjoy your sick humor. However, I think you've gone
way beyond
offensive with your Jesus Crucifixion Christmas Wrap. The retarded
wrapping
paper is kinda pushing it too--you guys are great, but don't you
know when
to stop?
Why not sell Hanukkah wrapping paper featuring
skeletons and ovens? Do you
see where I'm going with this?
I don't want to cause trouble for you,
I only wanted to point out that some
people may be very put-off by this. And I like a sick joke as
much as the
next person, but you guys have gone too far.
(Editor's Note: T-Shirt Hell is proud to
announce that we will be offering
Hanukkah wrapping paper featuring skeletons and ovens! Ann H is
the latest
winner of our $200 idea contest. Congratulations!)
You can enter our idea contest here:
http://www.tshirthell.com/ideas.htm
If you're an AOL user click on this link:
<a href=" http://www.tshirthell.com/ideas.htm
"> ideas </a>
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Peace in the Middle East, Middle West,
and Middle North.
But not the Middle South. Fuck them.
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