05/21/04

People are always dedicating things to our brave men and women in the armed
forces serving overseas. Not me. The brave ones can take care of
themselves, and they don't require a lot of positive reinforcement. I
dedicate this newsletter to the unsung heroes: all the cowardly pussies who
are also in our armed forces who are crying for their mommies and shitting
in their pants. It's about time someone did something nice for them.

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NEW SHIRTS FOR ALL YOU PATRIOTS
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We have a new shirt about all of the mischief going on in the prisons in
Iraq. Check out what are boys are up to, those little scamps! Also,
because you demanded it, we have redesigned our Willy Wonka shirt
for all the men out there traveling down the Hershey Highway.

All of our new shirts are here:
http://www.tshirthell.com/newshirt314.htm

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15 MILLION DOLLAR OSBOURNE LAWSUIT SETTLED
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The gavel came down recently and we have settled our lawsuit with the
Osbournes. We can not discuss the particulars but don't be surprised
if the Osbournes sign on for a few more seasons of their crappy show.
I predict you'll be able to enjoy Kellie experiencing the joys of
menopause. Personally, I can't watch the show. Ozzy was fucking
Iron Man. I can't bear to see them parade him around like a drooling
muppet.Plus he's looking/acting more and more like my grandmother
everyday. I can't watch that.

Thank you to all who supported us and we hope this will discourage
future pirates. When I say future pirates, I mean other t-shirt
manufacturers who attempt to use our slogans and designs without
permission. I am not referring to men with wooden legs and eye patches,
I have no problem with them.

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AMERICANS IDLE
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Imagine this scenario: you and your buddies have a couple of beers. Your
buddy Dan, who's a notorious lightweight, goes to the bathroom and passes
out. So you and your friends strip him naked, put a pair of panties, on his
head, and Jimmy (you know how crazy Jimmy is) sticks a cigar up his ass.
Then you all sit next to him and pose for photographs.

Now the next day; is Dan going to punch you playfully in the arm, or is he
going to attempt to convene an International tribunal and have you tried as
a war criminal? This is torture? Are you fucking kidding me? This is
Saturday night in every suburb in America. What other tortures are going to
be revealed in the upcoming weeks? That they stuck their fingers in glasses
of warm water while they were sleeping, so they wet the bed? That they put
IcyHot in their jock straps? Maybe for female Iraqi prisoners they soaked
their bras in water and stuck them in the freezer?

I'm all in favor of torture if it leads to better interrogations. But
instead of threatening to electrocute them, why don't we threaten them with
something the Iraqis are really afraid of- like soap and deodorant.

And how are we supposed to concentrate on events in Iraq, when right here at
home those fucking Hawaiians are trying to steal American Idol from our
blacks? Jasmine Trias couldn't carry a tune if you put it in a bag and
stapled it to her forehead. Each week, the competition loses another black
person and you know how angry they'll be if they lose. And you know what
they do when they get angry. Now it's not all the black people. Not the
nice ones like Eminem, M.C. Hammer, or Kobe Bryant (one mistake). The
dangerous troublemakers like Al Roker, Oprah, and Star Jones.

I say we stop dicking around in Iraq and let the real torture begin. Let's
ship Jasmine Trias over there and make them listen to her wail. They'll be
lining up for interrogation just to get a break. We'll have our troops home
in no time.

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HATE MAIL FROM SHE MALES
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----- Original Message -----
From: CATHIE T.
Sent: Friday, May 07, 2004 2:12 PM
Subject: Re: T-SHIRT HELL MOTHER'S DAY SPECIAL NEWSLETTER

I plan to unsubscribe from you, but not before I say my piece. You should be
banned from the net. You need to be in some back alley shop on skid row.
You are totally disgusting. I can't believe that the internet allows people
like you to own a website. Is all this really necessary?

(Editor's Note: A back alley on skid row? How old are you? 87? 120? What,
we're not funny like that Jackie Gleason? I think somebody is cranky
because their adult diaper needs changing. Oh..and by the way, I just spoke to
the internet yesterday and he told me how proud he was of us, and what a swell
job we were doing.)

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----- Original Message -----
From: CHOCOLATEDOLL
Sent: Friday, May 07, 2004 11:03 PM
Subject: Re: T-SHIRT HELL MOTHER'S DAY SPECIAL NEWSLETTER

Please do not send any more emails to my mail box. I'm glad I saw your
"niger" lover shirt before I spent money with you ignorant, racist, people.

(Editor's Note: How dare you insult us just because we love Niger? Sure it
isn't as flashy as Chad, or as cosmopolitan as Rwanda, but Niger is still a
beautiful, wonderful country.

We love Niger in spite of environmental issues like overgrazing; soil
erosion; deforestation; desertification; wildlife populations (such as
elephant, hippopotamus, giraffe, and lion) which are threatened because of
poaching and habitat destruction.

Even though Niger is a poor, landlocked Sub-Saharan nation, whose economy
centers on subsistence agriculture, animal husbandry, and reexport trade,
and increasingly less on uranium, because of declining world demand, it
should not make Niger an object of hate.

I'll have you know the 50% devaluation of the West African franc in January
1994 boosted exports of livestock, cowpeas, onions, and the products of
Niger's small cotton industry.

True, the government relies on bilateral and multilateral aid - which was
suspended following the April 1999 coup d'etat - for operating expenses and
public investment. In 2000-01, the World Bank approved a structural
adjustment loan of $105 million to help support fiscal reforms.

However, reforms could prove difficult given the government's bleak
financial situation. The IMF approved a $73 million poverty reduction and
growth facility for Niger in 2000 and announced $115 million in debt relief
under the Heavily Indebted Poor Countries (HIPC) initiative. Further
disbursements of aid occurred in 2002. Future growth may be sustained by
exploitation of oil, gold, coal, and other mineral resources. But since
when has being poor meant you were unworthy of love?

Now who's ignorant? Now who's racist?)

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----- Original Message -----
From: jojo
Sent: Thursday, May 06, 2004 4:40 PM
Subject: last newsletter response to check please

this is a response to the so called rich guy who thinks that being a waiter
is not hard....your absolutely right...the actual job isn't hard at all..yes
you order, we give the order to the kitchen we get the order and deliver
it to your table..the only part that makes it hard is dealing with assholes
like yourself who think that just because your sitting at the table that I
should kiss your ass and do it because I need your whole dollar tip that's
going put me through college.

Well buddy...I just want you to know..that I've never met a waiter/waitress
who is too lazy to spit in your food or wipe their nose on your napkin...
so please keep up the good job being an asshole...And we'll continue
laughing at you when you eat your food and drink your drink and when
you leave your whole dollar tip on your stolen credit card we'll make sure
to add a 50.00 tip to it and give 25 to the cook for dropping your food on
the floor. Enjoy your next meal asshole.

(Editor's Note: Jojo? Your name is Jojo? Has someone finally taken my
advice and trained retired circus monkeys to wait tables? I always thought
they would find the work beneath them. Please let me know where you
wait tables, Jojo. I've got a great big banana just for you.)

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----- Original Message -----
From: "ann h"
Sent: Wednesday, May 05, 2004 9:29 AM
Subject: Re: T-SHIRT HELL MOTHER'S DAY SPECIAL NEWSLETTER

I'm not sure if I've ever ordered anything from T-ShirtHell, but for the
most part, I enjoy your sick humor. However, I think you've gone way beyond
offensive with your Jesus Crucifixion Christmas Wrap. The retarded wrapping
paper is kinda pushing it too--you guys are great, but don't you know when
to stop?

Why not sell Hanukkah wrapping paper featuring skeletons and ovens? Do you
see where I'm going with this?

I don't want to cause trouble for you, I only wanted to point out that some
people may be very put-off by this. And I like a sick joke as much as the
next person, but you guys have gone too far.

(Editor's Note: T-Shirt Hell is proud to announce that we will be offering
Hanukkah wrapping paper featuring skeletons and ovens! Ann H is the latest
winner of our $200 idea contest. Congratulations!)

You can enter our idea contest here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/ideas.htm

If you're an AOL user click on this link:

<a href=" http://www.tshirthell.com/ideas.htm "> ideas </a>

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Peace in the Middle East, Middle West, and Middle North.
But not the Middle South. Fuck them.