The End of May Thing
The news headlines look pretty much the same as they did the last time I wrote a newsletter (immigration, Da Vinci Code, Nebraska legalized rape, blah blah blah), so instead of reporting on the news I’m going to request that our faithful readers MAKE some news.
Quality satire doesn’t come from nowhere. It requires relevant and timely news stories. That’s where you come in. Kidnap a pretty white girl. Sodomize a senator. Use steroids to enhance your computer tech skills. I don’t care what you do, just get it done. You want quality laughs and we want to help provide them. So don’t just sit there hoping for a good news story. Take some action. The president’s anus is waiting for you.
I Got Your New Shirts Right Here, Buddy! No, Seriously . . .
It’s a veritable explosion of new shirts. That was supposed to be an emphatic statement, but my exclamation point key isn’t working. What? You don’t believe me? Well fuck you. No, I mean it. Fuck off. I’m not joking, you asshole. This isn’t working. Damn emotionless periods.
Anyway, we’ve got several new shirts including 2 that are sure to piss off our border-hopping friends to the south. The ones that can read English anyway. We also have a shirt aimed at our all too often ignored friends to the north, because hate travels in all directions. And what I’ve mentioned is just a drop in the bucket. We’ve got plenty more. Wanna see ‘em? Find them your damn self! Hey, it’s working again! Fuck off!!!!
All of our new shirts are here:
Save Darfur! Whoa! Did You See That Ladybug?
This section of the newsletter is usually reserved for an article that has a humorous or satirical take on something in the news, but what I’m about to write about deserves nothing less than utmost respect and serious discussion. By now I’m sure you all know about the ongoing genocide in Darfur. The true tragedy of this situation is- "Excuse me for a second, my phone just rang."
Okay, I’m back. Sorry about that. Anyway, as I was saying, the true tragedy of the mess in Darfur is how easily we forget about it. It seems like every other month this story is in the news for 2-3 days, only to be quickly forgotten again. It was only a few days ago that George Clooney- "Oh, just a second. My pizza’s here."
Alright, where was I? Oh yeah, George Clooney. It was only a few days ago that George Clooney used his celebrity to raise public awareness of the tragedy in Darfur, and it already seems as if he never mentioned it. Now, you can say what Clooney did was egotistical self-promotion, but at least he made an attempt to get us thinking about a huge problem that our government has been ignoring for far too long. This problem isn’t going away just because- "I almost forgot. It’s time to feed Biscuits. Biscuits is my English bulldog."
Let me see . . . ah yes, Darfur. This problem continues to worsen while we address issues that are far less dire. Nearly half a million people have already died in this conflict. And more than five times that number have been forced from their homes and now face starvation. That is simply unacceptable. The first thing we need to do, as a nation, is to- "Scotty just IM’ed me. I’ve gotta take this."
Okay, I’m going to focus now. No more distractions, this is too important. Now, I don’t mean to sound pompous or elitist. The reason I bring this up is not to lecture, but to inform. And I only do so because I think we can make a difference. We can donate money, obviously, but we can also contact our government officials. In doing so, maybe we’ll show them that we care about something more relevant than gay marriage or prayer in schools. Then, and only then, will our government do something valid and worthwhile. But first, we’ve got to- "Angelina’s going to name her baby WHAT!?"
Geez, I’m sorry about that. You would think I’d be able concentrate on something this important. Anyway, I think when it comes right down to it, we have an obligation, as the most blessed nation on the planet, to do something about this. I realize that we have our own problems, and we’re not the world’s police, but I don’t see how anyone can justify what we’re doing in Iraq, or even here at home for that matter, with our tax dollars while people in Darfur- "American Idol eliminated WHO!? Goddamn it! Do my 100 votes per week mean nothing!?"
In summation, duh . . . I like to eat poop. I don’t care about three million Africans dying, but I want Becky to be able to pray in school and I don’t want boys to kiss. Duh . . . ca ca poo poo. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to register to vote. Because in this great system of ours, I have just as much say as a professor or a scientist. Now I’m going to go pee in an electrical outlet.
"Hate Thy Neighbor" - Reality 3:16
----- Original Message -----
From: jessica r.
Sent: Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Subject: "Arrest Black Babies"
I understand the need to make jokes and have life not be such a serious thing. However, as a 17 year old black girl who doesn’t fit any black stereotypes ( I have all A’s, I hate rap and listen to Classical and Jazz music, and I don’t have a black boyfriend who sags his pants below his ass).
I’m sure you could understand why this shirt is offensive. For a girl like me who doesnt fit the black stereotype, tshirts like these are yet another thing to have people make judgments about me before they meet me.
I’m sure i’m not the only one who feels this way. Please reconsider the marketing of this shirt.
(Editor's Note: Part of me doesn’t want to respond to this one because she’s only 17. Most of the people that complain about our shirts are uptight, 40-year-old cunts that have been defeated by life, so not only are they easy to destroy, but they NEED to be destroyed.
A 17-year-old black girl, on the other hand, has some potential. She could be anything. A dancer(not ballet, the whore kind), a baby momma, a quota filler, a white parent pisser-offer, or even the fat, loud lady that yells at you when you call the phone company to complain about your service.
Having said that, I’m responding to this because she’s a filthy liar. She said she doesn’t fit any black stereotypes, but she admitted to one right in her email. She’s black. That’s the worst stereotype of all. Also, when we got her email it was eating watermelon and neglecting its kids. Oh, snap!)
----- Original Message -----
From: Julie W.
Sent: Tuesday, April 04, 2006 4:41 PM
Subject: autism t-shirt
I hope and pray you don’t have children. There are better ways to make money you know... you don’t have to exploit women, girls, and children. I have an autistic child and seeing that shirt....... made me furious.
you make my skin crawl......
you should be arrested for pornography.........
(Editor's Note: What a coincidence. I hope and pray I don’t have children, too. But I guess I’ll stop since I know you’ve got me covered. Oddly enough, I prayed for your child to be born with autism, so it looks like we’re batting a thousand with prayer. Are you praying for the genocide in Darfur to continue, or am I alone on that one?
And, you’re right, we don’t have to exploit women, girls and children. That’s just a wonderful bonus. I mean, when I drive by Bingo halls I don’t have to go in and club the elderly with a sack full of D batteries. I do it because I love it.
And finally, a couple of things about your last comment. First - I don’t consider what we do to be pornography. Pornography, by definition, has no artistic or creative value. I like to think our shirt about clown rape is loaded with both. Secondly - Even if our shirts were pornography, you couldn’t arrest us for it. Porn is legal. And I should know. I make a killing with my "Autistic Anal Rangers" line of tapes. Later, meaningless husk of a human.)
----- Original Message -----
From: tariq s.
Sent: Friday, April 07, 2006 10:15 AM
Subject: what the fuck!!
once again the enemys of afrikan people use subliminal tactics and proporganda to show their hatred for afrikan people world-wide.everday western civilization is being proven that its foundation is built on lies conquest and the theft of non-whites historical accomplishments!! it,s time for whites to dismantle the disease of whitesupremancy before you destroy yourself!!
(Editor's Note: I haven’t seen grammar this bad since Kelsey Grammar raped my mother’s lifeless body. But seriously, he did that.
Anyway, since Ahmed McNospellcheck here didn’t mention anything specific, I’m going to assume he’s pissed off about our proposal to crop-dust Africa with skin bleach so we can at least pretend those people are white. Tariq, I can understand how you’d see this as racist, but nothing could be closer to the truth. So close that it is the truth. And what are you going to do about it? Not a goddamn thing. If all my fellow darkies had joined the winning side when I did none of this would be a problem. You all got the offer in February of ‘02 just like me, so don’t be all pissed just because you weren’t smart enough to grab the offer.
Lastly, I’m offended by the suggestion that white people use subliminal tactics. Nothing could [you’re a douche] be further from the truth. The fact [you’re a huge, fucking douche] of the matter is, they don’t need [lick my asshole, you douche] to use subliminal tactics. They have all the [kill your mom and rape a goat] money and power, so why would they need to resort to subliminal messages? In conclusion: eat my cunt, you douche [eat my cunt, you douche].)
----- Original Message -----
From: Victoria G.
Sent: Sunday, April 16, 2006 6:38 PM
To whom it may concern:
I find your shirt that says, "My Mexican works for less than your Mexican" highly offensive. It is that kind of material that keeps racism and discrimination alive. Urban Outfiters had a shirt with similar conotation towards Mexican people and they were smart enough to take it off their inventory.
(Editor's Note: It’s moments like this that I truly cherish my work. I work my ass off day after day (but not a third day) and wonder if it actually means anything. I often get the feeling that we’re just selling some funny shirts, but to know we’re keeping racism and discrimination alive makes it all worthwhile. Conversely, I’d like to thank you, Victoria, for keeping ignorance and stupidity alive. People like you, who are unable to laugh at life and fight pointless fights rather than ignore the ineffectual, help strengthen racism and discrimination more than a shirt ever could.
And a brief message to the good people at Urban Outfitters: thank you for being pussies that give in to pressure from the public. In doing so, you expose how ball-less you are, thus making it appear as if we have balls to spare simply because we do what we want. That’s the thing a lot of people don’t realize. We of T-Shirt Hell don’t have huge balls. It’s just that everyone else has no balls, so ours look huge when compared to that empty space between the legs of others. And, yes, I do realize ball-less isn’t a word. Disrespectfully, the black chick writing this.)
It’s Over - You Can’t Hear the Fat Lady Because Diabetes Killed Her
I don’t see people in terms of color. Probably because I’m blind. But I still feel noses and hair to make sure I’m not hanging out with Jews or blacks.