Jay Leno is scheduled to testify at the Michael Jackson trial today. Reportedly, he will start by telling the jury that he always found Michael to be a kind and considerate lover, and then he'll end with some wacky headlines.
[You are Not Too Sexy for these Shirts]
We have six new shirts that will help you support whatever you want, and
that are guaranteed to piss off every soccer mom you see. Not to mention
we have the usual assortment of midget loving, asshole hating, ball tugging
And we are offering 2 new shirt styles in 11 new colors!
All you could ever want is right here:
If you're an AOL user, or unable to click the link above, copy and paste
it into your browser.
[Sex and the Single Cephalopod]
Seven workers were suspended after being caught ogling sick internet
images of a naked woman with an octopus.
And dozens more could be sacked after bosses at Ford's Dagenham plant in
East London pledged a top-level probe.
What is the significance of this story you ask? Am I going to talk about
anti porn crusaders? Am I going to talk about stupid rules in the workplace? Am I going to ask why they're making Fords in London, or still making Fords anywhere for that matter? No. I am here to talk about Augie the Octopus. Because you see: I am the woman in those pictures.
I take offense at people saying these are sick pictures. These are beautiful pictures of a woman and a cephalopod doing what comes naturally. I'm not going to say we haven't tried some sick shit.
And I'm not talking about the garden variety sick shit like when he puts clothespins on my nipples, hot wax in my ass crack, and sprays oven cleaner in my cunt: I'm talking about some serious twisted shit.
Like this one time, he tied me down and took me from behind while forcing me to watch a "Two and a Half Men" marathon. When he couldn't handle my screaming any longer, he used all eight arms to cover my eyes and ears. But it wasn't enough. We had to burn the television to get the stink of that show out of the house. Then we had to burn the house to get the stink out of the neighborhood. Then we had to... well, you get the idea.
But I want to get back to the internet pictures. What makes them sick?
They better not be talking about my ass! I know my tits are fabulous, and my pussy is divine. I know there's a big movement towards shaving, but I think that's ridiculous. In fact I have gone the other direction and actually have a weave. I fly in Jose Eber once a week to keep it fresh, and my short hairs long and luxurious. Put Gene Shalit in a beanie and you'll have some idea what I look like in my panties. Then put Gene Shalit in front of an oncoming locomotive. I figure as long as you've got Gene Shalit you might as well do something useful.
But I want to get back to me and Augie. When he first asked if he could, "record our love" I admit I was a bit dubious. Fred Durst once made the same request. Fortunately, he had some, "performance issues" so I was spared the embarrassment when he started making his sex videos public. The only positive thing I can say about his sex video is at least he doesn't sing in it. And clearly, he put the limp in Limp Bizkit. But I knew it would be different with Augie, so I allowed the camera crew just this one time.
It was a crew that specialized in bestiality as they had taped a session between Star Jones and her husband. They said they were prepared for anything. Even so, 2 of them had to be hospitalized and one of them told me recently he still wakes up sobbing: it was that beautiful.
Yes, octopus sex is just so fucking amazing I can't get enough of it. He has eight fists for fisting (although I can only handle about six) and when he cums in my face, and follows it with a thick blast of poisonous ink? Girl, you haven't lived until you've had that. And they can call him an invertebrate, but Augie sure knows how to bone!
So, get on the internet and find my picture, along with all of the other wonderful porn. Just be glad you live in today's advanced society. As a child I was forced to masturbate to flyers from the local fish monger and to a single sticky postcard from the aquarium.
[Nothing Can Stop The Hate]
Even the complete removal of the Worse Than Hell section can't stop or slow
the flood of hatemail. Two weeks after we closed it the hate continues to flow...
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Tuesday, May 10, 2005 11:54 PM
Subject: ALL BLACK CONDEMINATION
Hello T-Shirt Hell,
Frequent condemination on black race
We have heard of your regular and uncare attitude towards
the condemination on black race,we will not fold our hands
and wash you destroy this endowed race of ours,
this is a slap on our face and will never be taken lightly.
This fight will be fought with all we have legally,spiritually,
physically with all callousness or how do we categorise
the handcuffe of a black baby with a seal in the mouth.
You are a racist and we all know,government and everybody
should do something about this,this is totally condemned.
This is no spam nor treat but you will never go unpunished,
for it is directed to you.
God that created right did creat left.
You are a MISLED.
You owe all blackman a public apology on the t.v and radio.
This is just forewarning,after a month we will react.
(Editor's Note: Lastborn? Perhaps you should change your email to Lasttofindout? You fucking moron. Who waits a month before carrying out a threat? I know you wrote, 'treat', but I don't believe this is one of your numerous typos. Instead I chose to believe you're typing with a Jamaican accent. The standard threatening email gives you 24 hours to comply. Did you already have plans? Are you trying to work it into your busy schedule of collecting bottles, huffing paint thinner, and hanging out at the
Laundromat and stealing clothes out of the dryers? I can't wait a month so get your lazy ass on the bus so I can stomp you already. I'll beat you so senseless that you'd walk away from a 50 million dollar contract with Comedy Central. Just like I did to the last black man who fucked with me. Now who's Rick James, bitch? )
----- Original Message -----
From: <whippoor** @ ***.org
Sent: Wednesday, May 18, 2005 2:04 AM
I received an email with one of your T shirt graphics. I saw the
picture of the black baby in handcuffs. It's people like you that have no
idea the effect your biogted products have on society. I am forwarding
your email to many people including the national headquaters of the NAACP.
Your ignorance is shocking and your cruelty is beyond any reason.
Expect more from outraged people.
(Editor's Note: I stand corrected. Lastborn is not the last to find out. The honor goes to this angry file clerk, whose giant wild colored, press-on nails danced across the keyboard as she composed this gem at her latest temp assignment. Did you ever notice how only incredibly ignorant people use the word ignorant? She should go protest West Virginia, I hear they're starting something called, 'slavery' down there. That information may be a little outdated but that's ok, right? )
----- Original Message -----
From: Matthew S.
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2005 10:16 AM
just to let you know, instead of using the the "phi" symbol for the letter
"i" on your shirt that says "frat guys give the best blowjobs," you could
just use the "iota" symbol which is actually just an "i." I didn't want
anyone to think y'all were dumb fucks or anything and half-ass your work.
If your gonna make fun of fraternity men, do it right. Sorry we have money
and are set for life through hard work, while your black ass makes money by
making fucked up tshirts and sue people using the race card. America is
fucked up because of people who don't do shit with their life (which
really isn't you since you do have a business).
thanks for taking it in the ass.
(Editor's Note: Thanks for the tip angry white boy who is set for life because his daddy works hard. I'm glad to see that you have mastered the Greek alphabet between rounds of beer pong, date rape, and projectile vomiting. I'm sorry for my poor attempt at making fun of fraternity men, and would like to make a formal apology. Matthew, in spite of your constant practice, expert advice from your daddy, and your official fraternity position as 'Chairman of Head', you probably still give a lousy blowjob. I'm sure it is punctuated by frequent gagging, biting, giggling,
and occasional, uncontrollable weeping.)
----- Original Message -----
From: "Duncan" <master_c*** @ ***.com
Sent: Sunday, May 22, 2005 1:10 PM
Subject: Possible theft of addresses (I didn't do it)
Any message that seems to come from me with German
looking words in the subject are not from me.
(Editor's Note: Yes, Duncan it's true. The Nazis have stolen your email address. Well, it's either the Nazis or Heidi Klum.)
[Did I mention the Road Rage Cards?]
Sadly, it is still illegal to chase down drivers who piss you off, force them off the road, douse them in gasoline, and set them on fire. These are the next best thing. It is just as satisfying, and somewhat safer, than hanging your ass out the window and taking a shit on their windshield. Take it from someone who's done all three... today.
Aptly named after my recent experience with a Taco Bell Club Chalupa, "Revenge of the Shit" is number one at the box office, even though I thought it was more like number two. If you think the Emperor in Star Wars is powerful, he has nothing on George W. He recently announced he was confident his brother would be elected the next American Idol, despite the fact that he is not entered in the competition. The scary part is it will probably happen.
So I'll love you long time, some time later