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picture 1It’s true that Twitter used to suck.  Who wanted to see Shaq’s latest link to his homemade snuff porn?  Who cares if Ashton has Demi squatting over a firehose so there’s a whisper of moisture in her desiccated 60 year old sabertooth cougar snatch?

Lucky for you, Twitter is now going to suck a little less.  Sunshine Megatron, the creator of T-Shirt Hell, has started a twitter account.  If you want to know what an actual rich asshole is like instead of reading some bullshit by someone’s assistant, or some douche from marketing; this is the Twitter account for you.

Plus, there will be plenty of T-Shirt Hell giveaways for twitterers only. And we’re not just giving away free shirts or coupons, Sunshine is going to give away cash, bottles of Cristal, sex and who knows what else. Follow the only real T-Shirt Hell/Sunshine Megatron twitter account at:

http://twitter.com/smegatron

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WORST.GANGBANG.EVER

So... Farrah Fawcett dead yet? No? How about Patrick Swayze? Well damn it; who am I supposed to make an uncalled-for joke about? Let's see... Oh, the guy who voiced Mickey Mouse for the past 30 years just died. His last words were "Abadee abadee that's all folks!" Yeah, I know, wrong character. That's the best I can do until someone you've heard of dies.*

*Note: If Farrah Fawcett or Patrick Swayze die by the time you read this I apologize. Not for being insensitive, but for the lousy timing.

Anyway, congratulations to all the recent graduates out there. It was a long, hard journey to get to this point, but you managed to make it out before all U.S. schools turned into slave labor camps run by whip-wielding Chinamen. But seriously, enjoy being served up for slaughter by a hulking retard covered with spikes in the Thunderdome. I'm gonna go kill myself.

President Obama's credit card reform bill was recently passed by the House and Senate. I've been waiting for proof and now I have it: Obama is a racist. Why else we he only be looking to reform the way white people pay for things? You don't see him going after shoplifting reform or blowjob-for-crack reform. Wake up, people!

Obama is also pushing for stricter fuel efficiency standards, which would require new cars to improve fuel economy by 30% by 2016. I hope this doesn't affect the number of midgets I use to pull me around by dogsled. Any less than 12 and I hardly get any mileage out of them at all.

Phil Mickelson recently quit the PGA tour when he found out his wife had developed cancer. Meanwhile, Tiger Woods' wife is still superhot and cancer-free. You hear that, Phil? Tiger's wife is really attractive and her cell structure is just fine. Also, when he makes it to the clubhouse before you, Tiger pees in your coffee. He owns your life, Phil. He owns you.

Jay Leno is ending his 17-year run as host of the Tonight Show this week. That's gotta be some kind of record. I mean, 17 years in the entertainment industry without ever being entertaining... That is impressive. Anyway, good luck to Conan O'Brien -- You've got big shoes and a huge uncomfortable silence to fill. (P.S. - Fuck Jay Leno)

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If you've been reading this newsletter regularly for far too long, you may remember a collection of light bulb jokes I did a while back. The reaction was overwhelmingly nonexistent. And since I take indifference as a form of praise, I decided to wait nearly a year to pique interest and try it again.

This time I went with "__ walks into a bar" jokes. It's a proven formula that has delighted drunk assholes and racists for decades - the perfect antidote to today's hip/ironic humor, which consists mainly of unshaven stoners talking about Q-Bert. Feel free to memorize these and share them with your friends. They're sure to make you the awkward silence of the party.

A retard walks into a bar. I guess you had to be there.

President Obama walks into a bar. Everyone applauds. He sits on a stool. Everyone applauds. He orders a beer. Everyone applauds. He says "Shut the fuck up, you sheep! None of this matters!" Everyone applauds. Then he rips off his face and reveals that the president has been nothing but a cyborg who changes his mask every few years ever since Kennedy died. The bar patrons realize freedom of choice has been nothing but an illusion their entire lives. They're fine with that and decide to vote for an Asian mask in 2012.

A hipster walks into a bar. He orders a beer ironically. He tells the bartender his troubles ironically. He picks up a cute girl ironically and goes home and fucks her ironically. The next day he wonders if he ever does anything he genuinely enjoys. Then he blows out his brains. Ironically.

picture 1Miley Cyrus walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face? Oh, I'm sorry - Did I say long face? I meant 'face that looks like a retarded girl suffering from a peanut allergy'."

A conservative and a liberal walk into a bar. The bartender says "You can have a beer in a blue glass or a red glass. They're exactly the same, but you fucking idiots will swear one is better than the other. What, the world doesn't put you into a box often enough; you have to willingly put yourself in a box too? Damn it! Why do I keep serving symbolism!"

A fat guy walks into a bar. Again, I guess you had to be there.

A Mexican walks into a bar. He gets himself and his cousins hired on as bartenders, putting the other bartenders out of work. Then his wife has like nine kids in the bar. Goddamn it... This used to be a really nice bar.

A black guy walks into a bar. Every other person in the bar stops saying that thing they were about to say.

picture 1A gay guy walks into a regular bar. For the first time in ten years he enjoys a beer because he isn't surrounded by obnoxious queens or religious fanatics handing out pamphlets. He thinks 'If I didn't have to fuck vaginas, I could totally be straight.'

A homeless guy walks into a bar. He starts telling everyone secrets about the government right before people start making him dance for quarters. Everyone in the room has lost a little bit of their humanity this night. Then the homeless guy starts eating the shrimp people are throwing in his beard. Homeless people are funny.

Six million really old Jews walk into a bar and one of them says "We went hiking and got lost for a really long time. I hope no one jumped to any crazy conclusions about us."

A Christian walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets down nothing. The Christian says "Where's my beer?" The bartender answers "Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there." The Christian replies "You've made your point; give me my beer." The bartender shoots back "You have your beer. I don't care how much proof you show me to the contrary, I will always think there's a beer there." The Christian responds "I fucking get it! Just give me my beer so I can go home and beat my wife!"

picture 1A little boy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Catholic Priest. "Catholic Priest?" says the bartender. "What kind of drink is that?" "Simple," says the boy. "That's the drink I have to force down my throat and never tell my parents about." [rimshot here]

A Catholic priest walks into a bar and orders a Choir Boy. The bartender says "A Choir Boy? What kind of drink is that?" "Simple," says the priest, "that's the drink I force fingers into until it bleeds and cries. Get it? Because of the molestation thing? I can't believe we're still in business."

A Muslim walks into a bar and the whole place blows up before something funny can happen.

A guy in a wheelchair doesn't walk into a bar.


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