If you've been reading this newsletter regularly for far too long, you may remember a collection of light bulb jokes I did a while back. The reaction was overwhelmingly nonexistent. And since I take indifference as a form of praise, I decided to wait nearly a year to pique interest and try it again.

This time I went with "__ walks into a bar" jokes. It's a proven formula that has delighted drunk assholes and racists for decades - the perfect antidote to today's hip/ironic humor, which consists mainly of unshaven stoners talking about Q-Bert. Feel free to memorize these and share them with your friends. They're sure to make you the awkward silence of the party.

A retard walks into a bar. I guess you had to be there.

President Obama walks into a bar. Everyone applauds. He sits on a stool. Everyone applauds. He orders a beer. Everyone applauds. He says "Shut the fuck up, you sheep! None of this matters!" Everyone applauds. Then he rips off his face and reveals that the president has been nothing but a cyborg who changes his mask every few years ever since Kennedy died. The bar patrons realize freedom of choice has been nothing but an illusion their entire lives. They're fine with that and decide to vote for an Asian mask in 2012.

A hipster walks into a bar. He orders a beer ironically. He tells the bartender his troubles ironically. He picks up a cute girl ironically and goes home and fucks her ironically. The next day he wonders if he ever does anything he genuinely enjoys. Then he blows out his brains. Ironically.

Miley Cyrus walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face? Oh, I'm sorry - Did I say long face? I meant 'face that looks like a retarded girl suffering from a peanut allergy'."

A conservative and a liberal walk into a bar. The bartender says "You can have a beer in a blue glass or a red glass. They're exactly the same, but you fucking idiots will swear one is better than the other. What, the world doesn't put you into a box often enough; you have to willingly put yourself in a box too? Damn it! Why do I keep serving symbolism!"

A fat guy walks into a bar. Again, I guess you had to be there.

A Mexican walks into a bar. He gets himself and his cousins hired on as bartenders, putting the other bartenders out of work. Then his wife has like nine kids in the bar. Goddamn it... This used to be a really nice bar.

A black guy walks into a bar. Every other person in the bar stops saying that thing they were about to say.

A gay guy walks into a regular bar. For the first time in ten years he enjoys a beer because he isn't surrounded by obnoxious queens or religious fanatics handing out pamphlets. He thinks 'If I didn't have to fuck vaginas, I could totally be straight.'

A homeless guy walks into a bar. He starts telling everyone secrets about the government right before people start making him dance for quarters. Everyone in the room has lost a little bit of their humanity this night. Then the homeless guy starts eating the shrimp people are throwing in his beard. Homeless people are funny.

Six million really old Jews walk into a bar and one of them says "We went hiking and got lost for a really long time. I hope no one jumped to any crazy conclusions about us."

A Christian walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets down nothing. The Christian says "Where's my beer?" The bartender answers "Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there." The Christian replies "You've made your point; give me my beer." The bartender shoots back "You have your beer. I don't care how much proof you show me to the contrary, I will always think there's a beer there." The Christian responds "I fucking get it! Just give me my beer so I can go home and beat my wife!"

A little boy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Catholic Priest. "Catholic Priest?" says the bartender. "What kind of drink is that?" "Simple," says the boy. "That's the drink I have to force down my throat and never tell my parents about." [rimshot here]

A Catholic priest walks into a bar and orders a Choir Boy. The bartender says "A Choir Boy? What kind of drink is that?" "Simple," says the priest, "that's the drink I force fingers into until it bleeds and cries. Get it? Because of the molestation thing? I can't believe we're still in business."

A Muslim walks into a bar and the whole place blows up before something funny can happen.

A guy in a wheelchair doesn't walk into a bar.

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-----Original Message-----

From: Thomas

I suspect the people that wear your stupid shirts also go to county fairs. Thanks for promoting ignorance and hate. Idiots.

Editor's Note: And what exactly is wrong with going to county fairs? I contend that if you're in the right frame of mind, attending a county fair is the cultural equivalent of a trip to the Louvre. In fact, I dare to say that it is superior. Watching a four-toothed carnie taunt a little boy wearing thrift store clothes while his 400 lb. mother stands by eating fried cheese says more about the human condition than all of Monet's pretty colors could ever hope to.

And while I can't deny that we promote hate (I'm pretty sure our mission statement is "Hate and fellatio"), I will say that it is quite impossible to promote ignorance. Ignorance is a lack of awareness, so the moment you try to promote it you've defeated the purpose. If anything, we promote knowledge. You know, the knowledge that minorities and women are inferior and, therefore, hilarious.

So go fuck yourself you... I wanna say "faggot" but that doesn't seem gay enough. I think you'd like to date a six-foot-tall cock that has a regular size cock where it would be on a dude, so it can fuck you in the ass, but even when all you're doing is making out with it you can still be hugging a huge cock. Also, the mouth it uses to kiss you contains another cock instead of a tongue. Okay, this insult kind of derailed a few miles back. Just go fuck yourself.

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-----Original Message-----

From: Mother of an SBS Survivor

MY daughter's life long struggle isn't so comical to me as it is to you. Maybe you should use your store for awareness rather than promoting the shaking and killing of babies.

Editor's Note: Well maybe YOU should get a sense of humor. Do you really think your daughter wants you to be sad about her condition? I'm sure if she could do anything other than lay there and drool, the first thing she would do is tell you to laugh at her.

I happen to speak "shaken-baby-anese," so let me ask your daughter for you. Let's see... that was "gurgle - gurgle - chew on arm - slam head against coffee table - gurgle - yelp sound." I believe that translates to "Get the fuck over yourself, mom. I enjoy making people feel awkward in public. Now pour some applesauce on my head."

And while I can't speak for everyone at the company, I personally don't want to promote the killing of babies. I suppose they do die as a result of sling-shotting them into mine fields, but that's for entertainment. It's not like I want to kill them for the sake of killing them.

Besides, even if all we do is make insensitive jokes, that's a form of raising awareness. Like if I say you're a dumb bitch and I hope you die a slow and painful death from breast cancer, I may have just reminded all the ladies out there to check for lumps. Although I hope none of them do, because I like it when women die of breast cancer. Am I joking? It's just so hard to tell when you're a stupid cunt.

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-----Original Message-----

Jonas O.

I am a huge fan of any alternative fashions and pushing the edge. I have never been as politically correct as many of my peers, friends, family or co-workers. Me and my friends are fans of your site and products but I would like to mention that your company did finally hit me hard with your "Autism Kids Rock" shirt.

I realize losing one fan/customer maynot hurt you but being an active advocate for autism here in my community and having an autistic son my only option is to cease from visiting your website in the future.

I find many of you shirts humorous but Im afraid this design in particular not only insults my efforts to raise awareness but all the others around the world who work endlessly to help put a stop to this epidemic. I wish you and your company the best.

Editor's Note: Unlike most hate mail we receive, this was well-reasoned and you didn't reduce yourself to a babbling, oversensitive child. I both respect and understand your position.

If more people responded in this fashion to a shirt they found objectionable, discourse on the internet would be far more valuable and perhaps inspire more intelligent debate. No overreaction, no childish name-calling, no extraneous exclamation marks or unnecessary use of caps lock; just a concise and clear expression of your feelings.

I salute you, Jonas. You are an asset to your community and to the internet.

P.S. - I hope your son dies and goes to Retard Hell.

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-----Original Submission-----

Dustin J K.

I've bought about 150$ worth of merch from you in the past, and checked back today to see if there was anything new. Usually I see sardonic wit I admire, today I saw the Bea Arthur shirt. That's just plain poor.

She was fucking cool. If there's a Bea Arthur's death shirt it oughta be her ghost pulling a bird. She's on par with Carlin. Fuck you, too.

Editor's Note: Actually, she had more facial hair than George Carlin. But you're right, she does have a few things in common with him.

#1 - She's dead. #2 - She sucked. #3 - She gained a huge following in the early '70s by playing to an easily led audience that was desperate for an idol and then retained that audience by pandering to them for the next 35 years.

I guess the comparison falls apart on that last one, but you get my point. "And what was the point?" you ask. You know, that dead people are all equally dead and, as a result, equally worthless. If we can manage to squeeze a few laughs out of their corpses before the only function they serve is to be peed on by my "Pee on Forgotten Celebrities" club, then that's what we'll do.

So, as the shirt says: Rot in Hell, Bea Arthur. And just to get it out of the way: Rot in Hell, Betty White. And the one who played the old whore.

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[Close Your Legs on the Way Out]

Don't judge a cripple until you roll a mile in his wheelchair. I'm sure he'll have let go by then and you can safely judge him.