Forgive me if I'm not as jovial as usual. It's been a rough couple of weeks for all of us at T-Shirt Hell. I mean, you dedicate your life to spreading fear and hate, and then to have something like this happen...I don't know what else to say. RIP, Reverend Falwell. You're bashing gay angels now.
In non-American news (otherwise known as irrelevant news), Tony Blair recently announced that he will be stepping down as the Prime Minister of...I don't know, some lame country. All I know is that this sucks for President Bush. He's going to have to go back to getting his blowjobs from Laura.
I got your new shirts, right here! No, seriously. This is the new shirt section. Included in our latest batch is a shirt about Jerry Falwell, and a shirt about a completely different kind of buzzkill. And if those don't do it for you, there are plenty of other new shirts which I'm sure will make your genitalia smile. Check 'em out, asshole.
All of our new shirts are here:
Hey, kids. Summer vacation is here and you know what that means...It's time for you to get me my goddamn hot dog on a stick! But seriously, school is out and it's time for all you little bastards to go out and fail at something other than school for a while.
But that wouldn't be the case if I had things my way. If I were running things (which I would be if praying actually worked), school would be a year-round commitment. I know that isn't exactly a new proposition, as any barren teacher or parent of a school-aged child will tell you, but my reason for wanting year-round school is different from any others you may have heard.
I don't want school to last all year because American children are falling behind other nations in education. I'm comfortable with the fact that future generations are going to be dumb. For one thing, they don't need to be smart. All our kids have to do is sit on their asses and purchase things made by the smart kids in other countries.
We may also need to consider the possibility that our children simply can't be taught anything. I mean, you can hold a medical journal in front of a donkey for thirty years and its never going to be a doctor. (And, yes, I'm comparing American kids to donkeys)
I also don't want year-round school to keep kids out of trouble. If anything, kids need to get into more trouble. If no school meant that today's youth were sticking it to us old fogies (meaning anyone older than 17), I would be all for it. But nowadays a day off from school just means a kid is crying in his room and hanging out on MySpace for sixteen hours instead of the usual eight.
So why do I want school to last all year? Let me tell you. As someone who was often picked up and molested after school (because, hell, who's gonna believe a black girl over a creepy, old, white guy?), I think that pedophiles need to regain their sense of adventure.
There was a time when pedophiles had to hide behind bushes, follow a group of kids home until one got separated from the group, and even come up with convincing stories to get kids in their car. But in the internet era, under-aged orifices are practically delivered to their door. And summer vacation is just one more opportunity for them to stay online and offer X-Box games and Bratz dolls that will never be delivered.
I know that year-round school won't completely solve this problem, but it's a step in the right direction. Anything to help improve our sexual predators. So join me in my cause. For better pedophiles, and a better America.
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Sent: Friday, May 18, 2007
Subject: Attempting to clear a possible misunderstanding
Is the fact that you have some shirts up for sale that possibly can be seen as racist/homophobic mean that your company supports homophobia and hate?
Editor's Note: Yes.
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From: Jim R.
Sent: Monday, May 21, 2007
Me and some buddies are getting ready to start our own t-shirt company which we plan to sell online. Can you tell us about some good marketing tricks you guys used to use when you were just starting out. I know you're not into helping the competition, but we're by no means competition and we would REALLY appreciate it. Thanks a million, love your shirts! -- Jim
Editor's Note: The first thing you're going to want to do is make a deal with Satan. And don't think for a second that all you're going to have to do is offer him your soul. With Hell as packed as it is these days, it takes a minimum of 1,000 souls just to get a meeting.
As far as marketing is concerned, there's no fancy trick to it. Just good old-fashioned word of mouth. Our shirts made people vomit and denounce God, they told people what was making them so upset, and the next thing you know we're the biggest shirt site on the planet. It's not that different from the origins of Christianity or the Nazis.
My last piece of advice for you is to simply stop worrying about it, because the bottom line is that you're going to fail. You'll probably buy a domain name, you may even print up a few shirts that say things like "I'm where the beef is" and "I'm a drinker, not a fighter," but after a couple of months have passed and you've sold a total of four shirts to your mom's far-too-gracious friends, you'll give up and go right on being a waste of space.
So stop kidding yourself and see if you can get your job back at the 7-11. Or kill yourself. Whichever one is funnier.
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From: Lance S.
Sent: Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Subject: fuck you
i just saw somebody wearing the dont mess with texas shirt.. well i live in Texas and you can go fuck yourself... if you wore that shit around here you'd get your ass kicked in about 2 seconds. and i'd be the one kicking it... but you probabley don't have the balls to wear it in public. you just sell it and hide in your ofice all day just like the bitch that you are
Editor's Note: I guess what they say is true. Everything is bigger in Texas...even the faulty chromosomes. You may have heard that joke before, because I stole it from reality.
Let me get something straight (even though I'm not). You stated that you were made aware of this shirt when you saw someone wearing it, then you claim that you'll kick my ass if you see me wearing it. So I guess I'd just like to know how that initial ass-kicking went. You didn't mention it in your email, but I can only assume that you whooped 'em good, because you don't seem at all like a dumbfuck that's just talking out of his ass.
That was sarcasm, in case your Michelob-soaked brain didn't catch that. You and I both know you're not going to kick anyone's ass. You're going to go to the nearest establishment that has a mechanical bull (which, in Texas, is probably the nearest church), then you're going to go home, masturbate to NASCAR and/or FOX News, and then you're going to cry yourself to sleep while staring at the George W. Bush poster you have taped above your bed. So spare the rest of the world your empty threats and empty head. Now go fuck yourself. That cow has had enough.
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Sent: Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Recently I saw a friend of mine wearing your 'I should be in the kitchen' shirt. I was appalled that a fellow female would wear such trash that is designed to degrade and debase our entire gender. It's just embarrassing and as long as people like you keep making this crap, men and women will never be considered equal. I wish you'd understand that you're not simply selling a silly shirt. You're helping keep down our entire sex.
Editor's Note: That's an awfully long email for someone that should be getting her husband's dinner ready.
Seriously though, thanks for sticking up for the gender. While the rest of us have become increasingly subjugated and acquired what male chauvinists refer to as a "sense of humor," women like you have been fighting the illogical fight and done their best to make sure that we never laugh about our struggle, just wallow in it.
Kudos to you, Melissa. You're like Susan B. Anthony and Wonder Woman all rolled into one. You know, if they were both PMSing. (Whoa...why does that turn me on?)
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The Buck Stops Here - So Does Your Happiness
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