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newsfromhell

It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing

Forgive me if I'm not as jovial as usual. It's been a rough couple of weeks for all of us at T-Shirt Hell. I mean, you dedicate your life to spreading fear and hate, and then to have something like this happen...I don't know what else to say. RIP, Reverend Falwell. You're bashing gay angels now.

In non-American news (otherwise known as irrelevant news), Tony Blair recently announced that he will be stepping down as the Prime Minister of...I don't know, some lame country. All I know is that this sucks for President Bush. He's going to have to go back to getting his blowjobs from Laura.

I hope these two nice colored ladies aren't lesbians.

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New Shirts
New Shirts

I got your new shirts, right here! No, seriously. This is the new shirt section. Included in our latest batch is a shirt about Jerry Falwell, and a shirt about a completely different kind of buzzkill. And if those don't do it for you, there are plenty of other new shirts which I'm sure will make your genitalia smile. Check 'em out, asshole.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt_052807_news.htm


long division

Black is the new off-white.

Kids really do need a break.Hey, kids. Summer vacation is here and you know what that means...It's time for you to get me my goddamn hot dog on a stick! But seriously, school is out and it's time for all you little bastards to go out and fail at something other than school for a while.

But that wouldn't be the case if I had things my way. If I were running things (which I would be if praying actually worked), school would be a year-round commitment. I know that isn't exactly a new proposition, as any barren teacher or parent of a school-aged child will tell you, but my reason for wanting year-round school is different from any others you may have heard.

I don't want school to last all year because American children are falling behind other nations in education. I'm comfortable with the fact that future generations are going to be dumb. For one thing, they don't need to be smart. All our kids have to do is sit on their asses and purchase things made by the smart kids in other countries.

We may also need to consider the possibility that our children simply can't be taught anything. I mean, you can hold a medical journal in front of a donkey for thirty years and its never going to be a doctor. (And, yes, I'm comparing American kids to donkeys)

Ah, to be young and mutilated.I also don't want year-round school to keep kids out of trouble. If anything, kids need to get into more trouble. If no school meant that today's youth were sticking it to us old fogies (meaning anyone older than 17), I would be all for it. But nowadays a day off from school just means a kid is crying in his room and hanging out on MySpace for sixteen hours instead of the usual eight.

So why do I want school to last all year? Let me tell you. As someone who was often picked up and molested after school (because, hell, who's gonna believe a black girl over a creepy, old, white guy?), I think that pedophiles need to regain their sense of adventure.

There was a time when pedophiles had to hide behind bushes, follow a group of kids home until one got separated from the group, and even come up with convincing stories to get kids in their car. But in the internet era, under-aged orifices are practically delivered to their door. And summer vacation is just one more opportunity for them to stay online and offer X-Box games and Bratz dolls that will never be delivered.

I know that year-round school won't completely solve this problem, but it's a step in the right direction. Anything to help improve our sexual predators. So join me in my cause. For better pedophiles, and a better America.


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