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newsfromhell

It don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing
I'M FAT
His name is Steve, he weighs 457lbs, and he’s been a member since last May.  But why are we talking about this fat fuck?  Because T-Shirt Hell is launching the mother of all member programs.  In fact, this is the mother fucker of all members programs.  (Seriously, just ask your mom.) 

If you’re already a member you know that T-Shirt Hell members can create wish lists; save their shipping and billing information; and take advantage of special sales and members only discounts and contests.   Well this week we’re rolling out a whole new set of member benefits that are going to make those look about as exciting as seeing your sister naked.  (Except for you Bill Coleman- your sister is smoking hot.)

THIS ISN'T EVEN ONE OF MY HEAVY DAYSFirst, we’re going to be offering exclusive designs available only to our members.  We’re starting off with 1 but we will be adding many more as time goes on.  Second, a new improved members only free t-shirt contest where we’re giving away 3 shirts a day, everyday.  That’s only for members who also sign up for our newsletter (but I think you have that part covered).    Then we’re launching our Blood Money program.  It’s just like regular money but it’s only good for our products.  But honestly, what else do you need money for anyway? 

There will be multiple ways to earn Blood Money.  Easy stuff you’re probably already doing like sending in pictures, telling your friends about the site, or leaving comments on the shirts. 

So, if you’re the kind of person who likes exclusive shirts, the chance to win free shirts,and the chance to earn even more free shirts; sign up to be a member now.  If you’re the kind of person who doesn’t like that, well you’re pretty fucked up- even for one of our readers.   If you're already a member, login to see the new crap and start leaving comments on shirts to win Blood Money now!

long division

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WORST.GANGBANG.EVER

Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy has been diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor that experts say is almost certainly fatal. What are the odds that this would be the second worst thing to happen to a Kennedy's brains?

A clinic at Children's Hospital in Boston recently offered sex-changes to children as young as seven. So, let me get this straight...I'm not allowed to give your kids heroin but a doctor can get paid to cut off their junk? What a world. (Incidentally, when a Catholic priest was asked about this he casually responded "Hey, a mouth is a mouth. Am I right?")

Lou Pearlman, the man behind the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync, has just been sentenced to 25 years in prison for engineering an investment scam. To recap - the guy responsible for the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync has been sentenced for an investment scam. Man, this is like finding out Hitler got busted for loitering.

The highly anticipated Indiana Jones and the Return of the Beginning of the Striking Back of the Pirates of the Chocolate Factory was released to record-setting box office. Thank God. Now maybe George Lucas has enough money to go back and "improve" the original Indy movies. Move over, Sean Connery. Indy has a brand-new dad in the form of a wisecracking half-donkey half-fish creature named Sploosh-Kibitz. "That's-a my noodle sandwich." Oh Sploosh-Kibitz!

Douche and Bag were recently married. I mean Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson were married last week. I assume God had the good sense to render Ashlee Simpson barren, but I still shudder at the thought of these two procreating. That baby would be little more than a loaf of DNA that emits an unpleasant screech. Hopefully Wentz will be put off by the fact that Simpson has a bigger cock.

Both American Idol and Dancing with the Stars had their season finales. Let me see.....oh yeah, my children. I'm sorry, I was just trying to think of one thing I care about even less than that first sentence.


NEW SHIRTS, PLEASE!
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PAY UP
We are pleased to announce we are accepting PayPal again as an approved payment type. Unlike a real pal, PayPal won't ask for a ride to the airport, or for help moving that dead hooker's body. Man, she looked just like mom.

Summer is finally here and we've got some great new T-shirts for the season. But don't let the weather decide your wardrobe. Buy all of our latest designs in the hoodie style and say "Fuck you!" to 100 degree temperatures. No, I'm not just saying that because hoodies cost more than shirts. I'm just encouraging your individuality and rebellious nature. So buy some hoodies, you douche.

If your shit weighs as much as seven shirts, we've got a shitload of new shirts for you. This group includes shirts about leaving your mark, a shirt about fucking, a pair of shirts about drinking, a shirt for anyone with photogenic fun parts, and a shirt for any guy whose bitch didn't fall off. If none of those appeal to you, we've also got a shirt with Ryan Seacrest getting his brains blown out, and I'm pretty sure even Ryan Seacrest would like to see that happen. Check 'em out.

All of our new shirts are here:

http://www.tshirthell.com/miscpages/nsn/newshirt_060208_news.htm


And check out TorsoPants.com's new TorsoPants as well:

http://www.torsopants.com/miscpages/ntpn/newtp052108.htm

(warning - TorsoPants are only for fans of dry comedy, and lemurs)

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THAT'S WHAT I CALL A FACIALI love comedy. By comedy I mean that stuff people write that creates genuine laughter. You younger kids out there may not know what I'm talking about. 'What is this "laughter" you speak of?' Well let me tell you. In the olden times (over ten years ago), comedians would write actual jokes and comedic performers would actually attempt to be funny, thus causing the audience to produce the manifestation of joy or mirth. The sound made was called laughter.

This may all sound very odd, but I assure you it was quite normal. You have simply been convinced by modern purveyors of comedy that things are only funny if you don't laugh at them, or if they were never meant to be laughed at. A viewer response of "I get it. It's funny because it didn't make me laugh at all" does not qualify as laughter.

Somewhere around awkward silence #1000 you begin to realize a writer was just too lazy to think of something funny. Who needs to write something genuinely humorous when you can just say "It's funny because it's not funny" every time you don't get a laugh?

Let me tell you something...if uncomfortable situations are so goddamn funny, every episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm can be replaced by taped footage of rape trials. And the Catholic church is about one hundred times funnier than anything on Arrested Development.

YUMIf it seems like I'm implying modern comedy sucks, I certainly didn't mean to. I'm simply saying that it's enough already. No more of Judd Apatow and his spawn mocking those who make pop culture references while simultaneously both making their own and engendering even more pop culture references. No more of Jon Stewart's knowing winks at the camera. Just be funny, you Jewish cocksuckers.

And let us not forget YouTube - the home of comedy that was never intended to be comedy, so it's funny ironically. "Look, it's a crazy lady describing the hats she made for her parakeets - That shit's unhilarious!" "Well if you think that shit's unfunny, take a look at this old anti-drug PSA with that bald guy from Night Court. Now that's fucking unhysterical!"

As with everything else, a large part of the problem is the British. People say they have a British sense of humor just so they can feel like they have more dignified tastes. Never mind that the country that gave us The Office and Monty Python is the same country that gave us Are You Being Served? and Benny Hill. Yeah, you have a British sense of humor, unlike that idiot Bob Newhart but exactly like the brilliant Mr. Bean.

I'm not saying everything needs to be Larry the Cable Guy level stupid, but there's nothing wrong with telling jokes, despite the best efforts of contemporary comedians to attach a stigma to them. With that said, I would like to share with you some old-fashioned set-up/punchline jokes. Today's installment features light bulb jokes. You know the ones - "How many ___ does it take to change a light bulb?" Feel free to share any of your favorites in the comments. Enjoy.

STOP MIDGET ON MIDGET LOVEHow many midgets does it take to change a light bulb? Midgets don't use light bulbs. They have night vision.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. All she has to do is marry it. Oh, the light bulb will try and convince itself it hasn't been changed, but it has. It'll watch football on the weekends and tinker in the garage during the off-season, but inside, the light bulb will die a little more each day.

How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb? No idea. Every time I asked a junkie to change my bulb, they started screaming at the wall and biting my toaster.

How many Southerners does it take to change a light bulb? Change? CHANGE!?!? Take your scientific and social advancements and shove 'em up yer ass. Where's my shotgun made outta Bibles?

How many kids in a sweatshop does it take to change a light bulb? I don't think about it. I'm just glad my bulbs get changed.

How many guys in India does it take to change a light bulb? My cousin owns a light bulb changing ELECTRIC AVE-A-DOUCHEcompany. Demand American light bulb changers.

How many illegal immigrants does it take to change a light bulb? One, but don't send him home right away. Give him another dollar and he'll landscape your yard while his wife cleans your entire house.

How many meth-addicted trannies does it take to change a light bulb? For the last time, I'm not gonna change your fucking light bulb.

How many pathetic losers does it take to change a light bulb? Twenty; one to change the bulb and 19 to stand around saying things like "w00t!" and "lmfao".

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? One Democrat and one Republican. They need to debate for an extensive amount of time to convince us which one should be chosen to change the bulb. In the meantime, you'll sit in the dark for several months and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

How many light bulb-changing robots does it take to change a light bulb? Seven. Don't even ask how that happened. The whole project was doomed from its conception.

How many religious fanatics does it take to change a light bulb? The bulb burning out is God's will. I won't participate in any action which will disrupt his divine plan. Everything that has ever or will ever happen is God's will and humans doing anything is just interference. LEAVE THAT BULB ALONE, HEATHEN!

YOU LIGHT UP MY ASSHow many presidents does it take to change a light bulb? One. Sir...you're changing the wrong bulb. The one in the hall is out, not the one in the kitchen. It's not a big deal, just admit you made a mistake and change the hall light. No, you're changing the kitchen light again. Just...NO! Get out of the goddamn kitchen!

How many environmentalists does it take to change a light bulb? One. Thankfully you won't have him in your home that often because those energy-saving bulbs last like ten years.

How many poor people does it take to change a light bulb? Just douse them with gas and set them on fire. That's a great source of light.

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MOO!
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-----Original Voicemail-----

From: Some stupid bitch
Sent: Thursday, May 22, 2008



Editor's Note: Sorry, but spending $20 and 66 cents doesn't give you the right to say shit. It gives you the right to receive the shirt you paid for, and from where I stand, you shouldn't even get that.

But that's what makes this country great, right? Cunts like you get to buy cool shit even though you don't deserve it. You get to open boxes at Wal-Mart while a supervisor keeps an eye on you and you receive a paycheck just like those of us who bust our asses in jobs which require a functioning brain. And here we are. The rest of us are kind enough to make the meaningless feel like they have meaning, so without contributing to society, you get to reap its benefits. It's fucking bullshit.

And what's this about us trying to be "cool" like the teenagers? Have you seen a teenager lately? You know, the monosyllabic spawn of the internet and pop-culture? Yeah, we want to be cool like that. And how are you going to tell us to grow up in the same breath you say "effing" instead of "fucking"? Fucking fuck, man...Are you tattling on us to us?

You're right, we do think you're a stupid mom, because you're a mom. But simply calling you a stupid mom does a disservice to the other stupid moms. You're like the fattest kid at fat camp; you've earned the blue ribbon in the stupid mom category.

Anyway, I hope you'll call again. I'll probably only be able to masturbate to this message another hundred times before I'm desensitized to it.

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joy division

-----Original Submission-----

From: Galen
Sent: Saturday, May 24, 2008
Subject: Fuck the Colorblind doesn't work

Hey guys, I like your "Fuck the Colorblind" tshirt. Very clever. Just one problem. I'm completely colorblind (it's called Achromatopsia - I see in only shades of gray) and I can read the shirt. Since I can't read any other colorblind tests like those, I have to assume that you guys did something wrong.

Or maybe you never intended for it to really be invisible to colorblind people. MAYBE that's the whole joke; that color-sighted people will wear it, thinking they're real fuckin' smartasses, only to have some color blind dude get pissed at them. Just thought I'd let you know that this colorblind guy can read it just fine.


RAINBOW COALITIONEditor's Note: We've actually been contacted by dozens of people with color-blindness who say they can't read that shirt, so either you're lying or I don't care. Whether or not the color-blind can read that shirt isn't the point. The point is that T-Shirt Hell desires to herd the color-blind into our labor camps and force them to build our weather-controlling station before ultimately turning them into fuel for our new line of jet-packs.

I would just like to assure everyone that I am not color-blind, neither literally nor figuratively. I can distinguish red dots from green dots and I ONLY see people in terms of color. And if two people I'm judging are roughly the same color, I make them both stand next to my color wheel long enough for me to find their match so I can measure and see which one is more inferior.

I suggest you all do the same. Color-blindness is a serious condition and we should separate things according to color as often as possible. And I don't want any of you assholes using my "Burnt umber-only" water fountain.

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division of labor

-----Original Message-----

From: William L.
Sent: Saturday, May 24, 2008
Subject: bonjour

i'm french and i would like to kno how to do to be a member of hell shirt...everything is written in english on your website!!! very hard to understand for us! do it in franch please...


MAID TO ORDER SEX FROMEditor's Note: Don't think that I'm so stupid I don't know this is fake. But I have to respond to some douche's email, and this is just as good as any authentic one. So let us proceed based on the presumption that this is genuine.

We won't be changing anything on our site or making a French version available any time soon, but I would like to respond to this in French. I hope it will suffice.

"Le douche tool, tool le douche. Cheese, frog legs, croissant, beret, Marcel Marceau, female pit hair, cigarettes, Jerry Lewis, body odor, I SURRENDER! Vive la France!"

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Ken  06/03/08 12:00 am
And go suck a fag!

 


does this remind you of your favorite pair of panties?

-----Original Submission-----

From: Scott Y.
Sent: Sunday, May 25, 2008

Hey I just wanted to let you know I entered an idea not once, but twice to you guys and now, months later, the exact concept for the shirt (although executed in much a more minimalist and thus less enticing fashion) was just posted for sale at Busted Tees.

My concept was for a shirt playing on the "do you smell what barack is cooking" pun and although they ignored the visual component that would no doubt make the shirt a best seller, they have started to sell the shirt and will no doubt make loads of cash. wait to go guys, I bet you never even read my submission.


IF YOU RECOGNIZE THIS YOU'RE A SUPER NERDOTRONEditor's Note: Actually, Mr. Smartypanties, I personally read both of your submissions. They stood out because your submissions of that idea marked the thousandth and millionth time we got it.
With the glut on nonsense that exists on the internet, it is virtually impossible to produce original nonsense. But you could at least take five seconds out of your already wasted life to Google something.

Here's an idea - Travel back to 2004, when the not yet famous Obama was first trotted out to be the Democratic party's show pony. Now share that joke with the world and you might be one of the first two billion people to say it.

There you have it. As hard as it may be for you to accept, you're not original. Oh, you'll tell yourself you are. "I don't care what this asshole says. I never heard anyone else say that. I thought of it by myself." No you didn't. We're not falling for it and your friends are rolling their eyes while forcing a chuckle every time you spout another catchphrase or pun from 5-10 years ago. Get the fuck over it. And stop submitting "Hoof hearted."

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division of labor

[Your Money's on the Dresser]

Gather ye rosebuds while ye may. Actually, make that "Gather ye bud while ye may." When's the last time you got high on roses?

Peace

 

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