06/03/03

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New Shirts:
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This one is for the fat shits (ex-fat shits):
http://www.tshirthell.com

Silly Wigga...Triggas R4 Niggas:
http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=231

For your "special" baby:
http://www.tshirthell.com/store/product.php?productid=232

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Special Announcements Page (HOODIES ARE HERE!):
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We've added a page to the site where you can read all
T-Shirt Hell special announcements, including job postings,
major news and obituaries of tshirthell.com employees who
have been killed by crazed anti-tshirt vigilantes.

http://www.tshirthell.com/announcements.htm

This month we are looking for a few really skilled graphic
artists and WE'VE ADDED HOODIES! Check it out NOW.

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Uncle Gary's Thoughts:
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"That's Not Funny"

The other day I was returning from the commissary here at
T-Shirt Hell in a perfectly good mood. When I got back to
my desk, I found yet another restraining order on my desk.
And I thought, "Those bitches in accounting have no sense
of humor." This got me thinking about the nature of
comedy itself. Are there things that are always,
unconditionally funny? After moments of deep thought, I
believe I have put together the definitive list of ten
things that are always funny.

10. TIE: Farting in an elevator/"Pull my finger"

9. Watching fat people do aerobics

8. Unscrewing the top of the salt shaker at a restaurant

7. Asking the homeless for money

6. Actors discussing their, "craft"

5. Crank calling the White House

4. Anything bad that happens to the rich (not including us)

3. When you're hooking, and you pretend to be a lady

2. A monkey in a diaper

1. Garfield by Jim Davis. Where does he get this stuff?

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T-Shirt Hell Employee #42's Thoughts on Idea Submissions:
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I was standing on the roof of a friend's loft out in Queens
late the other night, watching the hookers walk the street as
a long line of family cars and minivans snaked back into the
night, when it hit me: it is amazing how *little* people are
willing to do for $200.

For years now, tshirt hell has been offering our visitors the
chance to fill the void between snuff-flick masturbation
sessions by writing slogans for our shirts. To sweeten the
pot, we've offered to supplement the money you make from blood
donations with $200 if your slogan is used. After years of
submissions, the experiment has finally yielded some fruit:
it's clear now that you're all talentless, unoriginal idiots.

As I stood on the roof, dropping pennies on the hookers and
blaring my police siren, I thought about the 40,000 or so of
nearly 200,000 submissions I've read through recently and
realized that I had only approved about 500 of them for review
by our all-Jewish panel of editors (between world finance
controlling meetings). I felt bad for a moment - maybe I'm
just too critical? Maybe I need to let love into my heart,
just as many of you welcome gigantic purple dildos into your
assholes?

But then, standing on the edge of the roof and watching the
moonlight play off the gentle arc of urine I was releasing
onto the crackwhores below, it occurred to me that it's not
my fault. I might even be too generous (although the world's
homeless might disagree). The 500 or so ideas I approved
(about .125%) were just about the only ones that did not
include one of the following constructs or ideas:

1. "[Officer/Ocifur], take me [drunk/stoned], I'm home."

2. "[Something] Osama Bin Laden [something]"

3. "I [something] and all I got was this lousy t-shirt."

4. Your mom or my mom.

5. "My other [something] is a [something]"

6. Weak jokes about rape.

7. "[Something]: the other white meat."

8. An inside joke between you and your retarded friends.

9. Clearly plagiarized jokes or articles (how do you fit an
article on a shirt?)

10. "Slogans for tshirts you have seen elsewhere."

11. Shirts involving blurred text.

12. "My honor student [somethinged] your [something] student."

13. "[Someone] is with stupid"

14. "[See the front of the shirt for some reason] [See the
back of the shirt for the same reason]"

15. "[Something: something, Something: something, Something
else: priceless]"

16. "What would [Someone, usually Jesus] do?"

17. "I'm a [dangerous profession], if you see me running, try
to keep up."

18. "Got MILF?"

19. "[Don't talk to my tits/breasts]"

20. Weak attempts at postmodernism: "'Ironic T-shirt'; 'Funny
slogan'"

So here's the thing, folks. We believe in you. We don't know
why, since judging from our whores page, you're a bunch of
fucking hillbillies. But we really want to see what you've got.

So what say we all give it another shot? You've got twenty
examples of what not to do to get $200. So quit trying to blow
yourself for half an hour and give us a reason to give you some
money! And if I see another fucking joke about my mom, your mom,
Osama's mom or anyone else's mom, our team of beatdown
submitters will be knocking on your door.

Disclaimer: No hookers were actually pissed on in the making of
this document.

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Fan Mail:
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----- Original Message -----
From: David has sent you male
Sent: Tuesday, June 24, 2003 11:51 AM
Subject: Re: New Shirt...

this shirt sux so much cock it makes a hooker look good

(editor's note: our shirts charge $100 an hour if anyone is
interested)

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----- Original Message -----
From: ******@aol.com
Sent: Monday, June 23, 2003 12:27 PM
Subject: (no subject)

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

I find your t-shirts very disturbing. I am a handicapped person
and I am not lazy. And sites like this really hurt me. How dare
you make fun of people who are handicapped or anything. Who do
you think you are? This is discrimination. People, even babies,
have feelings..do you have any? Obviously not. And your site is
not hilarious!!!

Thanks!

(editor's note: We were besieged by these kind of e-mails over
last week by complete imbeciles who actually think that we are
calling the disabled "lazy" because of our "I'm not Handicapped,
I'm Just Lazy" t-shirt. The majority of people who actually buy
this shirt are handicapped who simply want to fuck with others.
I promise.)

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----- Original Message -----
From: "leif" <****@babiestastegood.com>
Sent: Sunday, June 08, 2003 3:22 AM
Subject: fuck

Your t-shirts make me poop.
-thx.

(editor's Note: This was our goal with T-Shirt Hell, nice to see
things panning out)

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----- Original Message -----
From: "Charlie" <*****@yahoo.com>
Sent: Thursday, June 05, 2003 3:06 PM

I don't know if this is the place to send opinions, but you
went on a whole rant about how pussy fhm was for toning down
your shirt, and then you let em use it anyway saying "it'll
give us a better chance to rip on em." you sold out big.
you can just say that you're all about making money, which you
are, and that makes it ok. fhm sucks and you're a hypocritical
tool.

(editor's note: We completely agree, now go buy a t-shirt and
contribute to the "we're so rich that we hire bitches to wipe our
asses with their pierced tongues fund" (after the shirts make us
poop, of course)

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Until next time...we love you, even during the times when your
genitals smell like hard boiled eggs.