The Early June Thing
There has been plenty of insignificant news lately. When you’re as apathetic as me, all news is insignificant, but the past couple weeks are really the epitome of insignificant. First there was that Indonesian earthquake that killed and injured thousands upon thousands of Indonesians. Which may not sound insignificant, but my Voodoo Globe works so well I hardly even notice these things anymore.
In other "news," Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt recently welcomed their first child into the world. Unfortunately they didn’t have long to celebrate. Because upon seeing their new baby sister, Angelina’s adopted children ate it. That’s what Angelina gets for trying to force foreign animals to assimilate to her culture. It’s like the old saying goes . . . "You can take the babies out of Cambodia and Ethiopia, but you can’t make them not eat white kids."
Come for the New Shirts, Stay for the Donkey-Punch
We’ve done our part by making these new shirts, now it’s up to you to buy them and make God cry. Whether you’re a pimp, a tool or just a child predator, we’ve got the shirt for you. So my ex is going to have to buy three shirts. And so is my current boyfriend, for that matter.
Anyway, if none of those apply to you, we’ve got plenty more. A shirt that insults fat girls (because I can’t be everywhere), a shirt with a nun who isn’t satisfied by her relationship with the Lord, and plenty more. Including a brand-new baby shirt. That’s for those of you with babies. For those of you that decided against that, we’re looking to start a line of shirts for aborted fetuses, but so far the market doesn’t look too promising.
All of our new shirts are here:
American Baby-Raping Idol
I have a great idea for a new TV show. This is my pitch to you, the American people. Here’s the show: a bunch of people up on a stage rape babies. Now, you might be saying that this idea is a tad simplistic, if not the worst fucking thing you’ve ever heard, but just stick with me on this.
A show made up of a bunch of people raping babies may seem like a one-note idea that would run out of steam real quick, but here’s the hook: a panel of three judges evaluate the baby-rapers. Throw some judges into the mix and the most repellant, repetitive thing on earth becomes a contest. And who doesn’t love a contest? No matter how boring or nauseating something is, if you turn it into a competition, idiots will watch in droves.
And this idea is hardly without precedent. If you doubt how successful this will be, let me pose this question to you: Do you know anyone that likes, or even anyone that doesn’t hate, karaoke? No, of course you don’t. We all fucking hate karaoke except for the one fucking asshole in the bar that drank until he forgot his wife cheated on him. And yet a constant string of people singing karaoke has dominated television ratings for the past five years. The secret? It’s a competition. This is why I’m positive that my baby-raping show will do well.
Just like karaoke, roughly one in 10,000 Americans like baby-rape. Hardly the kind of numbers that would warrant centering a show around baby-rape, but make it a competition and you’ve got millions upon millions of viewers tuning in week after week to witness the bone-snapping insanity.
"But you can’t compare baby-rape to American Idol. Singing is a talent." My first response to that would be that molestation is a talent, but even if you disagree with that, there still exists a blueprint to prove that my idea can work. Consider the success of Fear Factor for a moment. At its peak Fear Factor was a top 10 show. Now, if you just show a bunch of guys eating cow placenta or giraffe fetuses you would do well to get half a million viewers on "Max X" or "America’s Nuttiest Animal Eaters." But the producers of Fear Factor had the good sense to make it a competition and turn what would otherwise be a Jerry Springer episode into a prime-time hit.
Now that I’ve convinced you this can work, let me give you a more detailed rundown of how the show will go. First things first. The judges will need to be washed-up celebrities and/or have crazy personalities. This isn’t a necessity, but my target demographic is fucking morons, and they eat that shit up. The idea is that the celebrity judges are at least loosely associated with baby-rape, so I have a pretty broad field of people to choose from in Hollywood. Here’s a short list of people I’m looking at right now. Any of the men from Full House, Gabe Kaplan (Welcome Back, Kotter), Bruce Vilanch, Scott Baio, the retard from Life Goes On, Phylicia Rashad and Dakota Fanning. I’ll have to narrow down the list, obviously, but I think it’s a good group.
As far as the show itself goes, there will be three stages to the season. For the first stage I’ll show a bunch of people that aren’t good at raping babies and the judges will make fun of them. People fumbling with the baby, dropping the baby, having trouble getting all the way in, guys that can’t get it up and have to resort to fingering the baby, stuff like that. For example, some guy with a premature baby might blow his load before he has a chance to rape it, and the judge will say something like "Looks like the baby isn’t the only one who came early." That’ll be the funny stage of the show.
Stage two will be when the competition starts to heat up. Only the truly serious baby-rapers will be left and they will force each other to raise their game. They’ll want to leave something for the final round, but don’t be surprised if you see some contestants go for double penetration. Or a contestant raping one baby with his mouth while he rapes another with his cock.
Stage three will start with the 10 best baby-rapers. At this stage the home viewers will be asked to vote on their favorites. In this democratic process I can’t very well control how you vote, but please vote for who you think is the most qualified baby raper. Don’t just vote for someone because the baby he raped was Chinese or because you liked the crazy Hawaiian shirt he tied the baby up with.
So that’s the show. If all goes smoothly, it should be on the air later this year. I hope you all tune in. And if you’re interested in auditioning please remember that your baby can’t be any older than 18 months and it must be alive. Thanks for your time and I’ll see you all in Hollywood!
Children Are Taught to Hate - My Kids Get Straight A’s
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Wednesday, April 19, 2006 7:11 AM
You say you are protested against. There is a reason. Wow. This site is so uncool, so sick.
I am one liberal, cool chick....but this site....it’s just not right. The people behind these products have issues and NO morals. It’s people like you with products, views, and a web sites like this that allow other lost souls the ability to think that THEIR screwed up actions and beliefs, and lives are okay. WACKED.
(Editor's Note: Rather than respond to this, I’m just going to rewrite the main body of her e-mail, with what she actually means written in brackets.
I am one liberal, cool chick [I listen to Fiona Apple and call the black woman at work "girlfriend"]....but this site....it’s just not right [I noticed some shirt with a gay or black joke and protesting things like that helps me stay on my high-horse]. The people behind these shirts have issues and NO morals [I am retarded and have no idea what a joke is. When someone tries to tell me a knock-knock joke I always answer the door. And since I have no idea what a joke is I assume anyone telling one is being serious and is therefore immoral].
It’s people like you [by which I mean anyone, because I’m better than everybody] with products, views, and a web sites [I don’t know the difference between plural and singular] like this that allow other lost souls [anyone that doesn’t love pachouli and slam-poetry] the ability to think that THEIR screwed up actions and beliefs [Driving an SUV, not being a vegan and doing anything else differently from me], and lives are okay. WACKED [I’ve completed my pointless e-mail and now feel as though I’ve accomplished something, even though all I’ve actually done is waste time that would’ve been better spent petitioning oil companies to design cars that run on happiness and rainbows. Now I’m going to watch Ellen’s talk show and eat organic ice cream with my life partner].)
----- Original Message -----
From: Tabitha B.
Sent: Monday, April 24, 2006 12:28 PM
Subject: Smite you
I have never prayed for evil, but I pray to our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ that he send down Gabriel and his angels of vengeance and all that is right and good to smite you. I pray you will be afflicted with the diseases of all those afflicted, at whose expense you’ve made a joke and made money. I pray to the Heavenly Father that you feel the pain and anguish of families that have suffered - and on top of their suffering, have had to see you reap monetary rewards off of their suffering.
I pray to the Holy Spirit that you feel real, true, unending anguish as some small sign that your practices are not only unholy, not only unthinking, not only insensitive, but exploitative, dishonest, malicious and vile. I pray to the sweet baby Jesus that you feel the fire in your eyes, your loins, your heart and your soul - the fire of interminable suffering, unyielding intestinal torture, indefatigable agony wrought on you by the Supreme, the Righteous, the Heavenly Father, who reigns over us all. It is my sincere desire that you reap what you have sown, that the whirlwind of oppression, of woe and worry, of Fire and Brimstone be heaped in glorious piles upon you all.
You are damned to an eternity in Hell already, so for me to wish you to be damned in this life as well is inconsequential. That being said, may you suffer.
(Editor's Note: Tabitha, don’t feel too bad about your wish for me to be damned being inconsequential. I get the strange feeling that everything you do is inconsequential. Your prayers, for instance. I hate to burst your bubble, but I have thus far not experienced anything you’ve prayed for. It does burn when I pee, but I think that has more to do with being raped by that group of Asian transsexuals than it does with your prayer.
But let’s ignore that for a second and assume that your prayers are answered. Don’t you think it’d be better to pray for the people you mentioned to get better, rather than pray that I share their illnesses with them? Maybe that’s just me. I’d like to think if I had the power to heal someone, I’d do that before I spread disease to everyone I don’t like. I’m kind of like Jesus in that sense. And in another sense, but I won’t get into that (anal rape).
Lastly, I’m glad that in this day and age of war and global suffering that you want to divert God’s resources to punishing someone that sells funny shirts. Maybe that’s why the world is in the condition it’s in. Thousands of years ago someone prayed that God would punish people that make jokes and completely ignore tragedy and genocide. Congratulations, you fucking idiots. By the way Tabitha, millions of people in Africa are starving and I just stubbed my toe and yelled "Fuck!" So get to those problems in any order you wish. I’ll check the news tomorrow, and when I hear thousands of Africans died overnight, I’ll know that you made the right choice.)
----- Original Message -----
From: Distant***** @ ***.com
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 2:52 PM
Subject: tall tees
I am disappointed that you have chosen to sell those stupid ass oversized t shirts. You should be making fun of people that wear those things not catering to them. Every time I see someone I know in one I tell him that if he goes back to the store they will probably help him find one that fits. But I guess everyone sells out eventually.
(Editor's Note: This one is almost too confusing to respond to. Am I wrong, or is he upset that we sell large shirts? It’s good to occasionally hear a complaint that doesn’t question our morality, but still, what the fuck does this mean? The complaint seems to be that people wear shirts that are too large for them.
Well, anonymous douche-bag, we have no control over what size shirt someone wears. I suppose since we do get their addresses when they order that we could go to their homes and make sure the shirt isn’t too big, but we sell way too many shirts to do that. What we could do instead, and this includes you, is not give a shit about what size shirt someone wears and worry more about the fact that you’re a fucking twat.
And here’s a bit of breaking news for you - some people are tall and/or fat. Are they supposed to walk around shirtless the rest of their lives? While you’re at it, why don’t you get pissed at people selling houses with more than one bedroom? Because why would one person need more than one room to sleep in? Anyway, I’m sorry we sold out, but we plan on selling out even further. Our latest t-shirt designs include shirts with two arm openings, for those very few people with two arms. God, you fucking idiot.)
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Tuesday, May 16, 2006 5:56 AM
Subject: Hate Mail
I just want to be in the hatemail section of the newsletter. I’ll give you soemthing to go with here...I’m Canadian.
(Editor's Note: Forget about the fact that your're Canadian. What about the fact that you don’t know how to spell "something"? Soemthing? Seriously? What the fuck? I hope a 300 lb. escaped convict smears his dick with honey and rapes you until you can’t control the anal bleeding. And after he’s finished I hope an enormous bear, attracted by the smell of the honey, hunts you down and literally eats your asshole.
And as you lay there, unable to move and slowly bleeding to death, a pack of wolves gnash and rip at your intestines until you pass out from the pain. Days later you will awaken in the nearest hospital, only to discover that from this point on a series of machines will do your digesting for you. Children will cry in your presence and you will never again experience the love of another. Basically, you’ll be like RoboCop, without the gun or functioning limbs.
Congratulations on making the hate-mail section. And give the people of Canada my best. Which, oddly enough, is what I just wished on you.)
----- Original Message -----
From: Rob H.
Sent: Monday, May 15, 2006 6:21 PM
No offense assholes, I’m wearing one of your shirts now but the immigration shirts SUCK. I mean c’mon FUCK the POLICE...Losers.
(Editor's Note: No offense right back at you, you cock-licking pile of retardation. We get this from time to time. People don’t always question the decency of our shirts, sometimes they simply think the shirts suck. Which I don’t have a problem with. Not everyone is going to like every shirt. That’s why we have a diverse selection. Some are blatantly offensive, some are more obscure or dry, but I’d like to think that they’re all funny in their own way.
Not every shirt can be about clown rape or abortion. Sometimes you need a pop-culture type shirt such as "Fuck the Police." It may not be your taste, but I’d like to think you can still see the humor in it. If every shirt had the same kind of sensibility, pretty soon they would all blend together and none of them would stand out. I hope I’ve explained why we like to mix it up every now and again. Thanks for the e-mail, Rob. Now go mind your mother, my tongue is too tired.)
If We Had Credits, This is Where They Would Go
The meek shall inherit the Earth. Big deal. By the time they get it the rest of us will have fucked it all up.